Updated Goal List

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)
1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
BEAT Nate in a 5K
10K
River RunHalf Marathonl
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate (Ulta in Miami)
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
32. Buy an outfit from Black & White Market, J Crew
33. Paddle Boarding
34. Cartwheel
35. Hula hoop

My reality

My reality might be a little different than yours. Tomorrow when my husband has a colonoscopy I have more fears than a normal wife.  It's such a simple process but my husband's life and health is anything but simple ever. After his mother's death which started with a colonscopy and his brother's recent diagnoses of colon cancer my fear factor is up a bit. I know when they roll him away for this simple procedure I will be holding back fears and tears. Counting down the moments when I can look into my husband's eyes again.

Exagerrated fears right? Fears of a wife that has seen cancer, heart attacks, and nightmares of a future that doesn't contain my best friend.  I'm looking forward to fast forwarding past tomorrow.

I'm expecting and sick.

2 weekends ago while visiting friends in GA I was asked how far along I was. Seriously 140 pounds and I still get asked that question?  I told the lady I wasn’t expecting and that not to feel bad it was just the dress. A dress that I wear all the time. So, do most people think I look knocked up when I’m in that dress. I’m 148 pounds and a size 8 but the extra skin around my stomach makes my belly stick out. I went from feeling like the hottest girl at the party to the fattest girl at the party.  I can’t wait to get a tummy tuck.

 

Then last weekend we had friends over at our house. I’m sitting around with 4 girlfriends laughing and having a good time. One of the friends look at me and said, “Don’t take this wrong but you are too skinny girl. My kids having been asking if Mrs. Sabrina is sick.” I laughed awkwardly and then started to cry. So I’m either too fat, pregnant, or too skinny. I can’t win. Maybe I don’t look as good as I think I do. Do I look sick?  I felt like I was punched in the gut. I don’t understand how she could say that to me.  These people have been in my life on a daily basis. They’ve seen the transition. How could they ask if I was sick?

 

I don’t know what to think about it. I just cried and went to bed and everyone went home. She sent me a text the next day apologizing for the timing. I feel like if she was concerned about my weight she should have approached me privately and asked me about it. I haven’t lost weight in months. I’ve actually fluctuated 1-4 pounds over the last 2 months. I’m not trying to lose weight. I eat! I actually get concerned with my freedom of eating some days and have to take a step back to make sure that I’m making healthy choices on a daily basis with some free days.  

 

Most days I feel skinny but I wonder if that is in my head. Now it makes me wonder if I’m not as skinny as I think. I do hate my stomach. I think my stomach makes me look fat. So then is it the opposite do I think I have a fat stomach but I actually look really sick to people?

 

I think the part that hurts the most is that at 148 pounds I still have to question my weight and looks. I wasn’t expecting that.

I can sing I can sing I can....

Saturday night I had a nice buzz going on. Boot and Bottles Karaoke night here we come. The SEM loaded up with Randy and Crysta in tot and headed over. It was Nick's birthday and he's a karaoke man.

He sang The Thunder roll and the crowd of 11 people cheered on.

The 4 other people in the bar went up and took their turn. No future Voice winners but they did their thing. Nick asked me if I would sing a duet with him. Me? Um no. C'mon, you can do it. Crysta then volunteered to sing with me and I whispered yes. Nick ran up and put our name on the list. I looked at Nate and asked him if I could do it. Whiskey Lullaby was the song of choice. He said, "You could do anything you wanted to. But will it be decent is the right question." Or something like that. I went to a separate table to listen to the next karaoke singer shout her song and I started to cry.

I really really wish I hadn't.  I was so scared. I had so much fear in me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get up there and sing in front of all these people. (11) Nick saw me and went up and removed our name. I walked up to him and told him not to do that. I told him that singing karaoke was on my goal list and I needed to do this. "Great," the DJ said, "Y'all are next!" GULP

"Cassie's passed out in the bathroom."

"Sabrina and Nick you're up!"

Just as they were calling us up our friend passed out in the bathroom and we had to take her home. Saved by the ????

So what about my goal list? I have to face my fear. I have to get this feeling of defeat out of my head. My plan is to practice 1 song and get up there and do it.  When? I don't know but I'm not going to let my fear beat me. I've overcome and done so much. I won't let fear win.

Prayers Request

Please pray for Howie this morning. If that's not your thing cross your fingers and toes. We were told yesterday that he has colon cancer. The exact severity to be determined this morning at 11 o'clock.   Please pray that his road to recover is the same or similar to Nate's. Howie is the head of this family. We are use to him leading us during time of despair or crisis. Nobody is prepared for this. Prayers please. 

First Grayson Family Camping Trip

It was amazing! The moment I got home I missed it. I missed my sisters. I missed their kids. I wanted to go back to the woods. With a working air mattress.

I was so nervous heading up there and the week before I kept thinking how much I wished it was over with already. I told Nate that I needed him to be the positive one. I needed him to talk me out of being upset and to be the ying to my yang. Ends up I didn't need that.

From the moment we got there everything went off great. Debra & Katherine got along great. I loved seeing them laugh together. Katherine is so funny and she really cracks Debra up. (And yes I think you're funny too!) You could tell how much Debra missed her family. She was emotional all weekend. Especially around Dad. I feel bad for not going to visit her more often and plan on making a better effort from now on. It's only 3 hours away.

Watching my sister's with their families was very nice. I've been the mom the longest and playing this roll as a grown up the longest. It was nice to have them all in the same boat as me now. Debra is amazing with her 3 kids and does a great job with them. They are very well behaved and I just adore them. Katherine and David are great parents too. You can tell what a great team they are together with their daughter, cooking, and more. David too find's Katherine very funny and she cracks him up. (And yes I think you're funny too!) And their little girl is so edible! I could eat her up with a spoon!

Christina is Christina. My mini Charlyn. Such a wise and responsible girl. I can't wait to see where her road leads here. Her possibilities are endless.

I have a new found liking for my step mother Lynn. She's been married to my Dad for 5 years now and this is the most time I've ever spent with her. She came walking up in a long moo-moo and red hot flat wheels with feathers on it, manicured toes and nails, and red lipstick. I loved it! It was who she was. She didn't go anywhere without the lipstick. Even at the beach I noticed the tube in her hand. lol My kind of lady. And she was a lady. Just like my step mom Carol. She was well put together and up for almost anything. She's funny and sarcastic. I realized that everything bad I thought about her I was told from other people. I based my opinion on her on other people's bad updates. And I should know better than that. Nobody ever reports the good only the bad. I'm not saying we left as BFF but I do have a new founded respect for her and I liked her. She put a lot of time into planning the trip with my father's best interest at heart. She bought stuff for the Grand kids to keep them busy, planned a menu to meet every body's needs and really just impressed me.

Her daughter Liz...blah. She wasn't friendly at all. Which caused Caroline to not participate a lot. We hardly saw either one of them. Seeing the 2 of them together reminded me of the time when they verbally attacked and bashed me on FB. 7 months pregnant and taunted me about going into labor. Maybe one day when they are mothers they will realize how much my husband wants to punch them all in the face. I forgive easily. He doesn't. It was a bit ironic that for the 3 or 4th time my father forgot to call Ethan on his birthday right before the trip. He called the next day and said he didn't forget that he didn't get home until 9pm and I would have loved to point out the fact that when I didn't call to wish him a Happy's Father's Day by 5pm I was viciously attacked from all his hounds. But I didn't. I'm sure he thought about it. At least I hope he did.

Forgiveness. I spoke to my sister about forgiveness that weekend. Who we forgive and who we don't. I forgive Katherine. I forgive Caroline. I forgive Debra. I forgive Rodney. I forgive my mother. It's harder for me to forgive my father. I'm not sure if he realizes what he did. Not just the physical abuse but the verbal abuse. I have a hard time being lovey dovey to him. Or to bow down to him. The last time I did that was the summer of 1998 and I refuse to go back. I think that kept me distant as some points of the camping trip. Just my own internal struggle with my father. I think I kept it undercover though. I hope. I do admire him. I admire his strength and perseverance. He was served a shitty hand and could have gone down a different path. I'm proud of what he was able to accomplish as a young orphan. So it's a struggle for me.

Overall the camping trip was great. I seriously sat at my desk Wed, Thursday, and Friday and wished we were back there. I can't wait for the next one.  When is the next one???

1 year Update

I'm a little behind on my blogging. Life has been going so crazy fast since May I haven't had the time to sit down and put my thoughts down.

June 4 was my one year mark for surgery.  This past year has been amazing. More than I ever imagined. I thought I would be a size 14 at my smallest. I thought I would weigh 180 at my smallest. I reached those goals and exceeded them. I'm a size 8 in pants and currently weigh between 148-150 pounds.  It all feels surreal. Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and it will all be back. That this life isn't only temporary. I doubt my ability to sustain it.  Ugh stop being negative Sabrina!

First my updated Goal list

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)
1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :) (schedule for the summer)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
BEAT Nate in a 5K
10K
Gate River Run (signed up and ready to go!!!)
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate (Ultra in Miami)
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets I'm crossing this off this list because I'm too cheap to buy a bra from VS but I do own 3 bra's now and 1 is red and sexy. Plus Nate bought me some panties from VS so I think that counts.
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
32. Buy an outfit from Black & White Market, J Crew
33. Buy a pair of jeans at a regular store other than Old Navy.

Pretty impressive. I'm so very happy with how the past year has gone.

Reality Check:  I need to stay focus. I don't want to lose any more weight but I also don't want to go back to being fat. I feel like lately I've been eating more so I'm setting my timer and going to stick with my schedule. I'm actually okay with gaining 10 pounds back but you get what I'm saying. I don't want to forget that it's very easy to gain all this weight back and I never want to go back there.

Running. I haven't been running because of a lack of a partner. The Green's were nice enough to include me one day which was nice. I enjoyed the run and it felt great. I made a commitment to Chrissy starting today to start running again. I don't want to run 5+ days a week anymore if it doesn't fit in my schedule but I do want to run at least 3 days a week including a long run of 8 miles or more.  I can't seem to wake up in the morning so we are going to run right after work.  I'm signing up for the Wounded Warrior 8K this fall and the MC half marathon. I thought I was going to sign up for a Marathon but because of all the other stuff we have planned and our future changing I'm not sure I can commit to it.

"You're so skinny" I don't know why I hate hearing this. I guess because I assume that people mean it in a bad way even if they don't. Or if they are heavier than me I don't want them to hate me for it. Or judge me for it. I feel better. I feel more confident but I in know way think that I'm better than my friends or family that are struggling with their weight. I don't want to be an outsider to them. The big girls. Those are my girls. I understand their battle and what's in their heart. I understand not going out places because you are ashamed of yourself. I understand holding yourself back from living the life you want because of the weight. I don't want to be an outsider to them.

The skin- What can I say? It's there. It's not awful but I know it's there. It could be so much worse. So so much worse. So I'm thankful. I do want some cosmetic surgery but that will come when it's the right time financially for my family.
I can't even put into words how amazing this past year has been. I'm a happier person. My family is happier.I look back at those pictures of me and I really had no idea. I didn't know I looked like that. I don't ever want to go back.

Facebook Before and After

Right: 05/12              Left 05/13

Quick update!

Can you believe that I'm less than 1 week away from my surgery anniversary?!?  I can't believe it's been 1 year already. Time is flying by.

I've had a very busy 2 weeks. I went to our annual seminar in St. Pete last week.  This is the first time I've seen everyone since October.  I was around 200 pounds in Ft Lauderdale and in a large and XL pant. I'm now 149 and in a size 8 pant and S/M shirt. The dark hair also threw people off. Every time someone said something to me I would reply, "Oh, it's the hair." ;) Overall it went well. I told one lady who kept asking me and telling me I was her inspiration. I felt like I was misleading her if I didn't tell her about my surgery.  A few people didn't recognize me and even the president of one company told me all night at dinner that it was a pleasure to meet me. Um, I've had dinner with him twice before. I felt great. I bought some new dresses at Steinmart and spent a small fortune ($200) but it was worth it. I felt put together. I felt professional. It was a good trip. I'm glad to have that over with and now they all know what Sabrina 2.0 looks like.

A new thing. My husband loves me. He knows I love him but for some reason he is scared to death that I'm going to leave him. And it isn't just because I'm skinny he's always had this fear that our forever would end. And no matter what I tell him he always says, "You better not leave me." Every blue moon. During this business trip we stayed very busy and I didn't get to talk to him as often as I would have. The very last night I spoke to him around 4ish and went to the rest of the seminar, followed by the cocktail hour, followed by dinner, and then drinks with some colleagues. I didnt' get home until 1:30am and I didn't have my phone on me. I put it in my purse at dinner and didnt' pull it back out until I got back into my room. I had missed 3 calls from him and a message saying he wasn't happy with me. I called him when I got into bed and spoke to him and then called him again that next morning. He said he wasn't happy but he was okay and just had a bad feeling. That I was smokin' hot and didn't want someone to take me. He told me he went as far to check my cellphone text messages and noticed that I had messaged 3 out of state numbers and the times of those messages. Of course it's nothing juicy and I told him who they were and why.  We didn't argue about it we just talked. I told him that I felt like crying because I felt hurt. That the whole situation felt weird. Like he didn't trust me. I've put 9 years into this relationship and have been honest to a fault with him and never once cheated on him. Then in a weird way it felt good too. It felt good to know he loves me that much and thinks I'm that pretty that someone would snatch me up like that. So we talked it out and everything is okay. I understand where he's coming from. I'm flattered but I also don't want him to think I would every do anything to risk our marriage.

VA: This weekend I also went home to visit my family.  I haven't been home in a year and I was excited to see everyone again. Well you know what I mean. Most. lol When asked how the trip was the best I can explain is they are who they are. If I expect any less or more I would be disappointed. I've learned from years of arguing and tears to just accept them for who they are.  Especially my parents and I'm okay with that.

My niece was just as expected. Adorable as ever and Lorelei could have eaten her with a spoon. It was nice to see Katherine and David as parents.  They are both wonderful with their daughter and you can see the love they have for her runs over.  I did get a few "first time parent" giggles from them but every first time parent goes through that. I can't help that I'm an old ass lady with a 12 year old son. I enjoyed seeing Christina. I wish I could have spent more time with her. She's such a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. She reminds me a lot of Charlyn. Christopher wasn't able to make it and him & Charlyn were missed. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Caroline and I wish I could. That girl really pulls and erks me at the same time. I just don't think she knows who she is and the way people treat her really pulls at my heart string. I feel so bad for her that she is dealing with my father all on her own. I hate that she isn't an honest person but she is very much her father's daughter. When I hear him or others judge her it makes me giggle because she is a younger version of him. He isn't honest. He will twist a story to get people upset. But again it is who he is and I just ignore it. With her though it's hard to ignore. I want so much more for her. I want her to like herself and be proud of herself. I want her to be successful. I wish she felt like she could trust one of us to be 100% honest with us. It's strange but I realized this week that she is actually closer to my son's age than she is to mine. Isn't that a bit weird?  No wonder why her and Ethan get along more and relate a little bit better. Ethan really likes her and she is a very good aunt to him. Which I of course like and appreciate.

So what did they all think about my weight loss. I think my mom likes it a lot. She kept looking at me and laughing and saying how skinny I was. We laughed at my onesie. We laughed at my little boobs. She seems really happy about my current weight. I noticed her at one time looking at the side by side of me and her that charlyn made and she said, "Oh, I really like this picture."  She also showed me the outfits she thought I would look good at and when I showed her my belly she said that it wasn't bad at all so I could wear more. She brougth me some tank tops that we too small for her now so I could wear them during the summer and she said she would take them back when she loses more weight. lol Carol told me she didn't want me to lose anymore weight and that she loved me just as much now as she did when I was heavy.  What do you expect it's Carol. Always so sweet. My Dad said, "Oh you have lost a big of weight haven't you." Um yeah I would say so. That's all he said though.  Caroline told me how she is working out too and in between sizes just like me too. Christina told me I looked good and was skinny. Katherine didn't say anthing! lol I think she has read my blog too much and was worried that whatever was said would end up on the blog! LMAO I know it's hard for Katherine to bite her tongue so I really appreciated the effort she made. But I do want her to know that it's okay to say stuff. I have a thick skin and I know her thoughts or jokes are coming from a good place. Dave and her did ask a couple questions or maybe it was just was Dave and mom but she was present when I answered them.

Soooo. that's my quick wrap up. It was a great trip. We did a lot in a little time. I hate that. I wish I had more time up there. I need to plan another trip where we spend a week up there and just pretend to be tourist again. In 3 weeks is our first Grayson girl camping trip. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a great time hanging out with my sisters and Dad.  Oh, by the way Lynn was very nice too. That's the most time I've spent with her and she's actually kinda funny.

Zaxby

Yuck!! Just ordered a boneless wing basket. So gross. I wish I has ordered the chicken sandwich.  This is my second time being grossed out by their food. Should I give up on it?

Blood work

I got the call from the doctor. Blood work is okay!! Next up EEG.

Half glass full

There are moments in life that you are require to have a positive outlook but you still fail.  And when you fail your imagine and worst nightmares run away from you.  There's something wrong with Ethan. Exactly what we don't know and I'm not even sure I can explain it to anyone without actual verbal words. I'm going to give it a try.

2 weeks ago on April 17, Ethan called from school and said he had a fever and didn't feel well. I picked him up and brought him home. He had a temperature of 101.4 with no other symptoms. I gave him Tylenol and he went to bed for the rest of the day. The evening of April 17 he woke up around 11pm and came into our room. He was very upset. He said he had a dream and he didn't feel right. He was very calm and zoned out but very upset. He laid down in my bed and he just single tears coming from his eyes and a blank look on his face. I was rubbing his head when he asked me to slow down. He told me I was moving really fast. I told him I wasn't and laughed it off. He kept asking what was wrong with him and I assured him he was fine.  He feel asleep in our bed.  The next morning he stayed home again and woke up saying he was feeling like he did last night. I told him to lay down and he would feel better. He did. He went to school the next day no fever.  The weirdness I shrugged off to half asleep and fever. It was just a dream I thought.

Fast forward to April 26. He came home from school and told me that it happened again. That feeling happened again during class. While he was awake and fever free. "What feeling," I asked him. The feeling that everything is moving faster and all the noise are louder. He said that he was finished with his FCAT and all the kids were sitting around waiting for the exam to end. He felt good about the exam results. He said there was a student tapping his pencil and it seemed like the student was tapping his pencil super fast and the sound of it was very loud. Everything was magnified and sound was increased. He had to put his hands over his ears and put his head down to make it stop. And it did.

I called the doctor that afternoon and set an appointment. I thought maybe it was anxiety or panic disorder.  Even though he wasn't in a state of panic or anxiety when it occurred. We set an appointment for Wed.

Tuesday I picked Ethan up and brought him to my office like our everyday routine. He went back to do his homework. A simple crossword puzzle and was in good spirits. He came back into my office around 4pm and said he was happening. His personality had change. His face looked frightened. He laid on my couch and put the pillows over his head. I had my boss come in and look at him and we tried to get him to crack a smile. He wouldn't. I tried to ignore it and let the moment pass and I worked on my computer. After the episode he told me that my fingers typing seemed like it was going super fast and the striking sounds were super loud.

Wednesday, we had our appointment. They physically checked him and everything came back fine except for his eye exam. Suddenly his eye exam from last year went from 20/20 to 20/40. He couldn't see the most simplest lines.  They requested blood work and ordered an EEG.  His pediatrician told me it could be a handful of things. It could be nothing. Just a strange thing that never happens again. It could be a seizure.  They asked me to check his pulse when it happens. That it could be a surge of adrenalin or racing heart. It could be left over symptoms from his virus but we would figure it out or we might never figure it out.  Encouraging, huh? This is the part I don't want to type out. The moment I saw him fail his eye exam I thought about his brother. His half brother that has brain cancer. Whose cancer effect his eye sight. I spoke to the doctor out in the hallway and reminded them of Brycen. I told them when he was first diagnosed that they (Ethan's ped) told me Ethan was fine. It wasn't heredity and even if it was I think it's from his mother side not Matt's. But I couldn't ignore the fact that this is all in his brain and there could be a smallest tiniest chance.

I then took him straight to the hospital and did the blood work. We had lunch and came back to my office around 2:15pm. 3pm Ethan comes into my office and says that it's happening. He sat down on the couch and John check his pulse. 80. Which is normal. We can mark off racing heart.  John walked out and Ethan asked if he could leave the room. He came back 4-5 minutes later and looked upset but said it was over. He said that when John walked in and out of the room the sound of his jeans rubbing together was super loud.  A sound that I didn't even hear.  He said he asked to leave my office because of all sounds in my office. I called the doctor's office and updated them on the latest episode and result of his pulse.

The doctor called me this morning and said again it could be left over from his virus but it could also be nervous system issue.  She said it probably wasn't seizures or his recovery time wouldn't be so quick.  She said that she would have the blood test result back this afternoon and would call me back with the results. We would also schedule an EEG sometime next week.  I also scheduled an eye exam for him for Tuesday. I'm thinking now though that the failed eye test is a result of this issue.

I hope all of this makes sense. My head is telling me everything is alright. It's just a freaky thing and we will laugh and poke fun at it one day. My heart is a little scared.  What's wrong with my baby? What if it's something serious?  What if it's cancer? What if it's a tumor affect his head? What if it's seizures?  What about epilepsy? I think a cousin of ours had that? See I can't stop the negative. I need to know what's wrong with my little boy.

Eat a freaking hamburger!

I get it! You can see my collar bones. Do you think I can't?  I lost weight not my eye sight! I always knew that I would lose too much weight during this surgery. Typically people lose too much and then gain another 10-15 pounds back. I reached my goal weight a few weeks back of 160 pounds and I'm trying to maintain in. I'm trying to increase my food intake and eat higher in calorie foods. I'm trying. This morning I weighed in at 150.8. I'm not trying to lose weight anymore. I wish I could lose my stomach gut. Gosh do I hate it. But losing weight won't change my belly. Only surgery will.

I'm not sure how I feel about people pointing out my flaws. My mother called me just to point out my collar bones. I guess it comes with the territory. Or how I feel when my friends tell me I need to eat. I do eat. I ate freaking taco bell this weekend.

I guess when it comes to my family they will just have to wait and see. I'm sure they will all be watching me when I come to visit. How much is she eating. How little is she eating. What did she eat?  The Brigance's do it and I'm okay with it and they are use to it now. They know they won't see me at the dessert table and my portions are smaller but they also know that I am eating.

So am I annoyed by it? No, not really. I think people have the best of intentions. I think people get worried when they know so little of my daily habits.

Am I happy with myself right now??? Yes and no. I think I look too thin sometimes like my upper half. I think my stomach still looks fat. And I wish my hair was back to normal. This month will be 11 months out and I wouldn't change a single moment of it though. The life I'm living now is one that I wish I could have been 10 years ago.

Oh, and for the record during my conversation with my mother last night I found out that she has bigger boobs than me now. Wow.

Drowning

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming feeling that I'm drowning. That my arms and legs are tired and I don't have the strength to keep treading water. I need some relief. I need things to just go smoothly for once in our lives. I have no idea how to fix it. How to feel like I'm in control of my life again?

What I do know right now is that I can't let my fear and overwhelm feeling pull me away from my husband. We need each other right now. We need to be able to lean on one another when our fears are getting to us. Don't pull away Sabrina. Lean on him. Let him know your fears. Take a deep breath girl. Everything will be okay. Everything that you have worked hard for come to you. Everything you have dreamed of will be yours. Your life is so very blessed and that is the reason these moments seem so overwhelming and dramatic.

Believe in yourself and Nate.

Nate the Skate

Nate is playing on a team tonight for the first time in years. Super excited for him & nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for him!

Is it real?

Is my life real or am I playing a role in some Real Housewives of Jacksonville episode. Will you suddenly  find out I've filed for divorce and started a love affair with my 24 year old pool boy?  The truth is the love and affection I have for my husband on FB is 100% real.  We are perfectly imperfect for one another and after 9 years have found a way to live happily ever after. Do I think it will last forever? Yes and no.  Are you freaking out now??? Following along with me. I believe in me and my husband. I believe in the commitment we have in one another and our family. I believe in the genuine respect and friendship we have for one another. I believe that I love this man more than any person I've ever loved before. I believe that he would give his life for me and I would do the same for him.  I don't believe that anyone is untouchable. I don't believe in fairy tales. I think that if you walk around thinking that you are untouchable you will suddenly be knocked on your ass by some big surprise. That you will start to get sloppy in your marriage and start mistreating or taking advantage of the other person.  I think this realistic view on love and marriage makes us better partners to each other.

Do you know that as many text or messages I get about my weight loss I get as many about my marriage and relationship with Nate? 

"Please tell me that I will find someone that loves me as much as Nate loves you. I see the way he looks at you across the room and I want that."

"I love seeing your FB posts. You guys are a perfect example of 2nd chances. You are friends, companions, parents, and lovers. I know it's not always perfect but you work through it and make it look easy. Don't ever change. I hope you have a great day!"

"You guys make me believe that there is a chance for me to be in a happy marriage." (This one came from a man!)

It makes us tear up. We know how very lucky we are. Well I take that back it wasn't lucky. We've worked our butts off and have broken each others hearts several times to get here.  We've even uttered the "D" word in the first 2 years of our marriage. There were moments when I wondered if we could make it. When the thoughts of life without him would over power my anger I knew I had to find him and be in his arms.

Sometimes I wonder if we are still to new to give tips on a happy relationship. After all we've only been married for 5 years BUT we've been together for 9 years this April. And if you could have been a fly on the wall in our home you would know we've been through it. We've been through crazy exes, insecurity, weight issues, money issues, debt, chemical dependency, physical and verbal violence, lose of love ones, crazy family drama, and we are still here. And we love each other more than we did 9 years ago. In spite of it all.

So my tips on love and relationships.

• Don't look for the perfect guy. He doesn't exist and your not perfect either. However know your boundaries. If you can deal with reminding him to take out the trash or feeling like the mom but at the end of the day he respects you and treats you with respect then aren't you better off with him?
• Make a commitment to commit. You are there to stay. Arguments no matter how big don't equal divorce. You are two separate people and it's okay to disagree. And you don't have to solve the issue at the end of the day again it's okay to disagree and respect each others point of views.
• It's okay to argue in front of your kids. Respectfully. As much as your children need to see you guys kissing and loving on each other they need to see you disagree. They need to see that it's okay for you both to have an opinion and to see one or both of you apologize to one another. You are ultimately teaching your children the kind of love they should be expecting or looking for.
• Say your sorry. If you are sorry then say it. It's amazing how quickly someone's anger goes away once you say those words.
• Say I love you. Show affection. As much as we think men don't want to be hugged or loved they do.
• Feed their egos. Your man needs to hear just as much as your do that he's hot. That you want him. But expect the same. A woman needs to know that she's on her man's mind.
• Have SEX!! Marriage is nothing without sex. Don't go weeks without it. If you can't remember the last time you and your partner had sex you better do it tonight! And keep it fun. Blow his mind every now and again. Your partner's had a bad day. Hook the man up with some booty as soon as he walks in the door! Send him a naughty picture one day. Keep it hot ladies!!!
• Put your marriage before your children. Yes you heard me right. I've been Ethan's Momma for 11.5 years but I'm Nate's wife first. And in the next 10-15 years our children will be gone and we will be left with just the two of us. If you are just mom and dad how awkward do you think the house will be when the children are gone?  When we hug each other and our kid's try to push their way into it I remind them that I'm Daddy's wife or he's my husband. We take our weekends away together to refocus on us. To strength our marriage. We take days off together just to be able to have sex all morning or lay in bed with one another. We make sure to take date nights and not just plan family nights. Without a strong foundation our home is nothing.
• Don't let the world know. I bet from my list of things we went through up there you are wondering when the hell did this happen? There's a reason why you don't know. We confide in a handful of people but I don't put our problems on blast for the world and my entire family and friends to know. The reason isn't to protect a perfect life picture but to protect my husband or him me. To not allow people to judge us or our marriage based on private mistakes. If I put on here the things that happened in 2009 and before someone of you wouldn't like either one of us. 
• Talk about it at home. So you went out with Nate and I the other night. Do you know I wanted to kill him or we were annoyed & arguing with each other right before you walked in the door?  Probably not. We both believe that our issues are to be dealt with at home. I don't want to be the bickering couple out with our friends or get in an argument with my husband in front of our friends. The funny thing is by the time the night has ended because the plan was to deal with it later we both realized we were being bull headed and we hug and kiss and say sorry before we ever get back home to finish the fight.
• 
  Be partners. Treat each others as equals. Your status in this marriage is not anymore less or more important.
• Respect. Be respectful of one another.
• Try to make them happy. Nate thinks of me before himself 100% of the time. He is always thinking of things to buy for me. I'm always thinking of things to do for him. Plan nights out that he will enjoy or surprise him with a night at his favorite place. If you are both working to make each other happy can you see how easy it is to just be happy.
• Talk! Nate and I talk to each other about everything. There are no secrets between us. I tell him every single thing I do or I'm thinking. The good and the bad. He is my ultimate best friend.
• Allow time apart. Guys night out. Girls night out. Out together but you let him hang with the guys while you gossip with the girls. You give each other hugs and kisses throughout the night but you are independent people.
• Value & protect your marriage. Hold it dear to your heart and protect it. Don't let people, men, girlfriends, family penetrate it. It's so easy to get a divorce these days but so much easier to just protect what you have and work at it.

So those are my tips! Do you agree with them? Is there something you could work on? There's things I need to work on. I think my husband is a better husband than I am wife. I'm always trying to be better for him. Better to him. Funny thing is he thinks the same about himself. Can you see how that is working in our benefit? We are working to be better people/partners/lovers/friends for one another. It just makes it easy to have a happy marriage when you are both putting one another first.

Spring Break and Easter Update

We are finally coming off our Spring Break and Easter high. We had some ups and downs this past week but they were mostly highs. I got to spend time with my best friend and also deepen a friendships with a set of neighbors and tested friendships with others. We spent most of our spring break with Jamie and her son and our neighbor's the Greens. The week was filled with pool time, Legoland, Adventure Landing, an almost trip to the zoo, an adventure downtown via the skytram, a Sabrina free trip down to St. Augustine, wine, beer, good food, and most importantly good times!

I loved having my best friend here and I wish that she lived so much closer. I felt awful for her because her second day here she got a really bad sun burn and she spent most of the week miserable. She was a good sport though and shuffled her way through all the activities. It was kind of hard on me watching her eat knowing that she had the same surgery as me. She's is great with her portion controls and eats much slower than me. I had to keep reminding myself to slow down and watching her eat helped me do that. She eats sweets though and that was hard to watch. I know that my body could probably handle a small amount of sweets like hers but she has told me not even to try it. Once you know your limit you will eat it and I don't want to do that.

My eating throughout the week was okay. I ate a lot of turkey, cheese, some snacks but nothing crazy. I'm out of my protein shake and I need to go get it. I know that I'm not getting enough protein without it. I HAVE to get out there this week before it starts to mess with my hair again.

Watching what you eat at an amusement park? Possible! I googled some reviews on Legoland before we went and I found a restaurant in the park that served a 1/2 rotisserie chicken with roasted veggies and potatoes for 9.99. The review said it was enough for an adult and child to split. It tasted great and a $5.00 meal for each of us and was enough food for 4. We ordered 2 for lunch and Ethan and I split one and Lorelei and Nate split one. Win. Win. Win! We ate breakfast before we left the house and I brought snacks in our bag to nibble on during the day.

When wine does not sit well. Friday night we had the Green's over for a BBQ and I had only eaten 4 chicken nuggets that day. We started drinking wine and 3 bottles later I was dry heffing my brains out and it happened so quickly. One moment I felt fine and the next I was sick and drunk like a dog. (like a dog?) They yelled good night outside of the bathroom door and I crawled into bed. The next morning I woke up with a headache from hell and super thirsty.


Easter was a gorgeous day filled with family and friends. We went to GA in the morning and stopped at Hardees for breakfast. I split a pork chop gravy biscuit with Nate. It tasted great but sat funny in my stomach. I'm glad I only ate half of it. In GA I ate less than half of  hamburger loaded with cheese and veggies and a spoonful of coleslaw, bbq beans, and potato salad. I skipped dessert. On the way home though I had to hold the leftover raspberry filling lemon cake for 1 1/2 in my lap. I took 2 pinches of it and it tasted amazing! Like a jelly filled donut. When I got home I tossed the entire cake in the garbage can. I didn't want the temptation left int he house. Later that night the Green joined us for a sit down Easter dinner. The food was typically Easter dinner food split between the 2 families. It was a fun time and a perfect ending to a long week.

The weather is starting to warm up here and I can't wait to start spending some time in the sun with our friends.  I'm also looking forward to shopping! I have to control myself though. We are trying to save about $9,000 between now and the end of the summer and this new found love of clothing I have is getting in the way.

Current weight: 155.6

Here comes the TMI

And this would be the moment you wished you weren't stalking my blog.  The ewww moments of gastric bypass.

One word.

Hemorrhoid.

Please feel free to run away now.


I've never had one before and I didn't know I had one until my husband confirmed it for me.  (Imagine a scene from a comedy) When you eat so much protein you tend to have issues going to the bathroom and you might have to push harder than normal.  And POP Hemorrhoid problem!

I think it's better now but while I was in denial it was a pain in the ass. Literally! Thanks to witch hazel and some maxi strength Preparation H it is all better.

What did a learn from this?  Hmmmm. add more fiber to my diet or drink coffee in the morning???

Easter

There's an entire basket of Kit kats outside of my office door right now and it's driving me crazy.

I've been racking my brain on what to put into my own Easter basket this year. My husband said to still fill it with candy and him and the kids will take care of it. I said to fill it with some fun costume jewelry and I would take care of it.

Instead I think I'm going to fill it with some RNY friendly snacks.  Here are some of my ideas

• Blue Diamond Habanero BBQ Almonds
• Crystal Light Packets
• Sugar Free gum
• Beef Jerky
• Pork rinds

Any other thoughts? Maybe some fun new running socks?

Post race feelings

First of all let me just say I bought 5 new dresses yesterday all in medium and one in a size 8!!! Are you freaking kidding me??? Never in my life did I imagine I would be a size 8!!!

Saturday was the Gate River Run and I did it! 2.10 time. The easiest run I've had to date. Despite the pain in my knee the rest of my body felt great. I felt like it was a 5K. It almost seemed too easy. (The knee is a strenghting thing and I know it's something I have to work on.) I didn't cry until I was relaxing in the bathtub at home. And I like to say that I can't believe I did this but I can believe it. I wanted to do this. I set my mind to it. I have an amazing supportive husband and a great group of family and friends. It's like just my favorite running song says. "You can have it all Anything you want you can make it yours. Anything you want in the world, Nothing too big or small, What you get is exactly what you give, never really know until you try" I believe in those words. I can do anything I set my mind to. A 9 mile run is nothing compared to half the shit I've conquered. I won't doubt my abilities again.

The race was amazing. The crowds were amazing. Charlyn was amazing. She just blows me away and B is a lucky person to have her and I'm a lucky person to be able to call her my sister. Her enthusiasm throughout the race was great. She was high fiving people and cheering the crowds on like every single person was there for her. It was great! Then she barely had time to shower, rub down with icy hot before she flew back home. I hope she got to rest on Sunday.

Stats according to my Nike+
Fastest 10K 1.21.15
Fastest 5K 38.39
Longest Run
Farthest Run

So now what for me? I don't know. Strength training. Mud run next month with Chrissy, Jenn, and Meaghan. Tap N Run 4K next month. Half marathon or marathon in my future? Maybe. We shall see :)

Squats I would start with only using your body weight. 15 times 3 sets


Lunges; alternate sides 15 on each side: 3 sets

Dead lifts, do you have weights? (Id start with 5 pounds in each hand) keep knees soft and only go down until you feel your hamstrings. Keep back flat.

15 times/3 sets

Weight: 158.4

Heartbroken

My heart the last 2 weeks has been very heavy. I might poke fun at at the fact that Ethan is in trouble or grounded. Or that my closets are all organized and bathrooms cleaner than they have been in years but whenever I'm near my son I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know why I'm taking this so personally. This is to be expected right. Our children will disappoint us. They will lie to us. They will make mistakes. Why does it hurt so much? 

I think what hurts is that he's growing up and I know that things are changing. The fact that he doesn't want to dance and act crazy in the car all the time. That there is a cool factor there and that carefree boy is gone. That it's not all fun and games anymore.  I'm also disappointed in him. I'm not a lazy person. I wasn't raised to be a lazy person. My father expected chores to be done and he expected them to be done correctly. He also didn't stand for excuses. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you ask someone and question and the answer isn't yes or no but this long drawn out reason for no. Just say no. Ethan has been doing the dinner dishes for almost 6 months. Why do I have to ask him if he's wiped down the counters? Why do I have to remind him to clean out the sink? It drives me crazy. Do it the right way. I don't want him to grow up to be a lazy person full of excuses and maybe I've raised him the wrong way and that is why he has problems remembering. Maybe this whole time that I thought I was doing a good job I really wasn't. Maybe I haven't taught him enough about discipline and organization, accountability.  I feel like I've yelled so much the last 2 weeks and I haven't gotten anywhere.

The other part that is driving me crazy and keeping me from moving on is he hasn't apologized. He hasn't come up to me and said that he was sorry for disappointing us and lying to us. I've made apologizing a big part of our lives. If Nate & I argue we always apologize to one another for saying something that was in appropriate and apologize for the kids if we need to. And we do it in front of the children.  We hug it out and we all move on. Saying I'm sorry and meaning it makes everything better. At least in our home it does. Why hasn't he done that. I read a quote one day that said something like, "A good man knows the words I'm sorry." Am I not raising a good man because that's all I've wanted for my son. I don't care if he is a genius. If he is the cutest but I want him to be an honorable good man one day. To be true to his word. To be able to say the words I'm sorry. So maybe he's not sorry. Maybe he isn't the boy I thought he was. And if he isn't then I have to keep fighting. I have to keep punishing him until he gives in. Not for me but for him.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could rewind to 5 years ago when he was still a little boy. I miss him.

Must. Slow. Down.

I must slow down my eating. This last week I've been eating too fast and it makes me feel so uncmofrtable. Thankfully I haven't been sick but it is causing me to get hot flashes which is a sign of dumping.

MUST. SLOW. DOWN.

Monday weigh in

I can't believe it has taken me over 48 hours to post this but I did it! I hit my final weight loss goal. Yesterday morning I weighed in at exactly 160 pounds. I've officially lost 106.60 pounds.

I feel strange. I feel like there should have been some type of celebration but it didn't really faze me. My goals have shifted so much and it's not about my weight anymore. In a way I think that's good but I also think it's scary. I don't want to ever not care about my weight and start gaining weight. I'm so scared that this is all so temporary and I will get fat again.  But then again maybe that fear is good. That fear will keep it from happening.

I'm not sure what my body will do from here. My body's goal weight and mine might not be a match. I might lose more weight. I know for sure when I have a tummy tuck I will lose this squishy belly and my surgeon said about 10-15 pounds.

So if I don't care about my weight what do I care about. The Gate River Run. I want to do it. I want to finish it. I can't believe it's 2 weeks away.  Some days I have all the confidence in the world. Other days I'm scared of miles 6-9. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Layering

Limited jeans eBay
Flannel shirt- Old Navy
Express cardigan- thrift store under $3.00

Friday outfit

Thank God it's a warm day finally! I had to enlist Chrissy help for a picture this morning. I'm feeling super casual & I like it ;)

Limited capris
Limited tank top & jean jacket

Thursday Cashmere

J Crew Cashmere Sweater- $14.98

Limited Jeans- $15 (same as yesterday)

Ann Taylor Loft Tank too-$8.50

Express Peacoat- $23.27

change of location today! I wasn't dressed before my husband left so he waited at my work for me and snapped a couple pictures. Such a team player!

The wedges are from my sister in laws wedding. I want to try this sweater with a rolled up jean shirt under it like this one.

Horizontal running

Tonight I'm horizontal running 3 miles & cuddling with my hubby & Felix.

Hump day

Ann Taylor Loft tank top $25
limited Jeans- $15.25
Earrings- Valentine Day gift from the man

I think this is my most expensive outfit.

BFF hookup

All jeans in size 10. 2 pairs gap jeans, one pair express jeans, one pair american eagle jeans, 8 cardigans and the green tank top like shirt. $35 from her local thrift store!

I love my BFF! I can't wait until she comes to visit next month & we can hang out.

Monday Blues.

I know it's Tuesday but it feels like a Monday.

Here's my outfit. It's in the 50's this morning but will get up to the 70's by lunch so I added tights & boots to this $10 Express dress. Excuse the face & hair. I wasn't finished getting ready & I feel super awkward taking pics lol

Weight: back down to 161 (this weekend it showed 159.6 at one point!)

Training: fail last week. Not a fail I just took it easy because I wanted to give my knee time to heal. It feels much better & I'm back at it today!

Thursday outfit

Limited pants- $6.00
Buckle t-shirt- 9.00
Jean jacket from the other day

So my review on yesterday's outfit....Blah. I didn't like the shoes with the pants. I didn't like the length of the t-shirt & the loose fit of the khakis. I'm going to have the pants altered. I'm undecided on how the jean jacket looked or if a longer one would look better along with a cute pair of flats.

Wednesday Outfit

Express purple tank top- $5.00
Banana Republic jeans- $15.25
Jacket, jewlery, and shoes already owned.

Added a jacket for work.

My outfit today

Express brown tank top- $5.00
Express jean jacket- $15.00
Limited cropped pants-$10.00
Jewelry & shoes already owned.

I did it. Kinda

I ran the Run 5 for life this Saturday. I was really nervous starting out. It felt weird and lonely to be in that group of people without a friend or partner. Underneath my sunglasses I was holding back tears. I was gripping onto my hands. When the gun went off I just like Forest Gump started running. The first bridge was the Acosta and even thought it was steep I made it over. I made sure not to get carried away with the momentum of the downside and after the bridge leveled out I was able to keep my stride. Them main street bridge was cake. The grating was a little wonky but the incline was nothing. The overpass to Riverside? Holy hell!!! I kept shuffling and pushing through and again controlled my speed on the way down. I made it to the Fuller Warren and on my way back to the finish line. I was drinking and gargling water at the proper stations. I was over 4 miles in and I felt great. The weather was perfect. My hip was not hurting at all. My side was not hurting at all. My Nike + announces that I have less than .5 a mile to go and I'm going over the incline that goes over the railroad track. Up, straight, up, straight, up straight. It was then when I started to feel a pain in my left knee. I must have made a noise because the guy behind me looked back at me. I made it to the top and now was the curvy downhill fun part. Last stretch to the finish line and i couldn't run. I tried. Every step or shuffle I took with my left knee it would give out underneath me. 4.79 miles.  I stopped and I cried. I cried not because of the pain but because I had to stop. I was so close. I could hear the music. I could see the finish line and I couldn't run. Finishing the spiral was painful. I didn't think I could even walk the rest of the way. I held onto the rail and cried my way down. 30-40 people and each one felt like a knife in my heart. I had them. When I got down to the straight away I called Nate crying. I told him I didn't think I could finish. He told me he was there waiting for me and I could do it. Just walk it Sabrina. Be proud of yourself you did it. So with my pride as low as it could be and my knee burning underneath the knee cap I walked the rest of the 5 miles to the finish line. No strong finish for me but I finished with my husband standing at the end waiting for me. So I did it. I finished a 5 mile race by myself. I didn't run the whole thing but I finished and according to my husband that means I was successful on my goal.

How do I feel now? I looked up the location of the pain and have self diagnosed it was runner's knee. An article from Runners World said that it is irritated by hills and downward runs which would make sense since I went over 4 bridges for the first time. It recommends icing the knee for 2-3 hours. Using pain reliever. All I can use because of surgery is Tylenol and rest. It also recommends strengthening your thighs to help support your knee and gradually increasing your hill work out. The pain now is come and go. I felt fine during my newborn session yesterday but when we went to the beach the stairs hurt my knee. What I did like is after my 5 miles last week I felt like an old as sore woman this time I felt good.

Emotionally I feel a little bummed. I have a hard time being proud of myself if you haven't been able to tell. If I set a goal I want to do it. This will not be my last visit on that track. I will show myself that I can run that without stopping. I'm also nervous. Will my knee be okay for the Gate?  I'm going to be a good girl and follow all the rules and not push it. And then there is the thought of what if this happens during the Gate?  Thankfully there are less bridges during the Gate. The main street bridge and then the big dog during the last mile. I'll be okay. 4 more weeks until the Gate River Run. 4 more weeks until I can say I did it!

Oh, and today's weigh in. Yeah I gained weight. lol I knew it was going to happen though. When I weighed last week it was very low at 161 but on Tuesday and throughout the week I was weighing in around 165. I stay honest with my weight chart so I knew there was no weigh the 5 pounds would just disappear. It seems like 165 is where I should have been. Again how do I feel? lol I don't care! I'm a 165. I'm 8 months out from surgery and 5 pounds from my goal weight. I'm wearing a size 10 pant today. My temporary wedding ring is now too big for me.  I didn't eat bad last week. I didn't do anything to gain weight. I'm A OK with weighing 165 and having a weight gain this week.

New goal

I want to be able to do a cartwheel & use a hoola hoop.

The Run 5

The course for tomorrow's 5 mile run. No fan fare. No team mates. No big deal. Running on my own just to prove to myself I can.

High five

I was out to lunch today & saw my RNY surgeon at the restaurant. I walked up and said hi & he replied, "Wow you look great!" He asked me how much I've lost & I told him I was 2 pounds from my goal & weighed 162. He whipped up his hand & gave me a high 5!

Thrift store fail but Ebay SCORE!

Yesterday morning as I thought about my 4 shirts and 2 jeans I decided it was time to go shopping. I have to own more clothes. I have to come of that cash and spend it. I immediately head to my favorite online sites. Banana Republic, Gap, and Express. All of which are having 25% sales. I put 3 shirts and 2 pants into my cart at BR and use my coupon code and the grand total was $180!!! For 3 t-shirts and 2 pants. I don't think so. The same basic formula happened at the Gap and Express too. I couldn't do it. What if they didn't fit long? I would be pissed.

I went across the street to my local thrift store where I scored my 3 jeans a couple weeks back. I searched for work pants and a work blazer and came up with NOTHING! I thought it would be easy. Size 12 is a general size right? Not a single damn thing. I wanted it too. I wanted those $4.00-$7.00 Banana Republic gently used pants. But I walked out of the thrift store with nothing.

So I ventured to Ebay. I've purchased cruise dresses on Ebay before but not anything too major. Let me tell you I scored! I spent more than I would at a thrift store but less than if I bought them from the store even with my 25% coupon. On average I spent about $11 for each item. Some items being valued at $80 new!

Here's my stash.

 $14.50 Limited Cargo Capri Pants

 4 Ann Taylo Loft Cami, Teal, blue, white, black $8 a piece

 Express Stretch Cropped Work Khaki Pants $9.99

 Cashmere J Crew Boat Neck Sweater $14.98

Express Womens Dress Tunic $10.50

 Express peacoat $23.27

 Express cropped jean jacket $14.73

 The Limited Casual Dress Pants $6.00

 Ann Taylor Shell $23.28

 6 Express Tank Tops $25.00

Buckle T-shirt $9.00

You're my inspiration

No, I'm not referencing one of my favorite Chicago songs. Even though every time someone says it to me I start singing this power ballad in my head. I'm referring to text, emails, and post on Face book I receive from friends telling me that I'm such an inspiration to them. That my weight loss journey has inspired them. That my workout schedule has inspired them. It's all very nice but it makes me uncomfortable and the biggest reason is because I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've cheated and none of them know that. That I don't deserve to be there inspiration. That if they knew I had surgery none of them would be saying that. Am I a fraud?  Will someone get mad at me one day and then blast my secret to the world on face book. Will everyone think I was a liar?

Then again should I feel like that. I am doing more than anyone in my RNY support group. Nobody else is running this race coming up. Nobody is working out. Even they have told me that I've inspired them. So should it matter. Yes, no matter what I would have lost weight but this surgery was made to help lose 60-80% of your excess body fat and thanks to exercising I'm less than 2 pounds away from losing 100% of my excess weight. I did that. I didn't have to. I made goals and I stuck with them. I've pushed through the voices in my head and I'm battling the some negativity as everyone else. Why can't I just be as proud of myself as everyone else is?

Something I never thought about

Something I didn't think about before I had surgery. That it would feel different to sit on my butt. It's almost uncomfortable. Lack of padding perhaps? My driver seat is the worst now. Too embarrassing to carry an inflatable donut around?

Because I'm a blonde

Yea yea yea! STOP!!! No I'm not. Not anymore. I'm a brunette again! I bit the bullet Saturday & dyed my hair brown again after 8 years of being a blonde. I love it! It's a nice break for my hair & something I wanted to try for a long time. I don't know how long I will keep it like this but for now bye bye blonde hello brunette!

Here are some pics from my phone!

And the aggravation begins

It's going to be a record high of 84 degrees today. Absolutely beautiful. The problem? I have nothing to wear! I have plenty to wear for cold weather. Leggings, boots, sweaters. I have nothing to wear for warmer weather to work. I can't come in leggings and a tank top. It was so frustrating this morning and no different than a year ago when I had nothing to wear because everything too small. Nate says, "Let's go buy you new clothes." Oh yes, let's go waste money on new clothes. The A&F size 12 jeans I bought last Friday are even a little baggy in the butt already. Do you know how pissed I would be if I spent $79 on them instead of $3.95 (Oh yes under $4 for A&F jeans be jealous!) Let alone how hard it was to find 3 pairs of jeans in a thrift store. It took me an entire hour to search 2 long ass racks of jeans to find 3 jeans.

I want to look nice. I don't want to look like a slob but I also don't want to spend $300 on new clothes and new shoes. I know this probably sounds like blah blah blah blah blah. Whine me a river Sabrina. You're too small for your clothes. I promise you it's still a problem. A problem that I need a cheaper alternative to solve. I think I need to go thrift store shopping on a Saturday or Sunday and actually spend some time there. No kids. No husband. Maybe I could take Chrissy to help me dig?

Weight loss goal!!!

I've been so focused on my running goals I didn't even realized what happened when I registered my weight today...165. Thats 100 pounds since my surgery date!!!

It's funny how my goal priority has changed. I'm more focused on my running goals instead of my weight goals. I'm still nervous about the Gate but I know I can do it. I ran 4 miles without stopping. That's almost halfway there. I can do it.

I went to the thrift store Friday and I bought 3 pairs of jeans. 1 size 12 from Banana Republic and 1 from Abercrombie and Fitch. A&F is the skinny bitch store! I can't believe it. I also got a size 10 trouser jean and it fit. All for $21 I might add!!! Crazy to think when I get a tummy tuck I will be around a size 8. I thought before this journey started I would be a 14. I was happy at a 14. I have a hard time realizing that I've done this. There's no telling where I would be if I wasn't running. Would I be thinner? Of course. But would I be a size 10? Probably not. I've earned this.

4 miles down

Last night I ran 4 miles without stopping on the treadmill. I ran it in 54.37 according to Nike+. It felt good to be back out there. My right hip did start to hurt but I just pushed through. I think more yoga would help stretch that out. I felt good running. The most difficult part was the last half a mile and I think that's just because I knew what was coming. The end!

Music really helped me. I've learned my lesson. I use to run to the kind of music I like. Slow songs, slow country songs. All wrong! When a good beat song came on I ran faster. I've changed my running play list and I'm adding more beat/running appropriate songs.

I worked hard to slow my breathing down like Charlyn kept reminding me and like yoga teaches. That helped me with that feeling of  panting. I also remembered to shake it up and loosen up like my sister kept reminding me. I'm glad that I was able to run with her those couple times in Dec. I feel like she taught me things that will make me a better runner. I'm very excited for her and Katherine to come down and run/walk the Gate River Run with me. I don't know what this run means so much to me. I almost signed up for the Donna half marathon the other day which is next month and longer but doesn't frighten me so much. Maybe it's because it's such a big deal here in town and I've always wanted to do it. I'm weighed in at a 100 pound weight loss this morning but that doesn't excite me as much as completing the Gate River Run.

Tonight's training is 40 minutes of cross fit. I'm going to run 2 miles and then work out in Chrissy's gym. I love the punching bag! Thursday is a 3 mile run, Friday rest, and Saturday another 4 miles! I'm back on track and pumped up about it! 7 more weeks until the Gate!!!

Honesty

This blog won't help me if I'm not honest with it. There's no therapy to my thought process if I'm holding it in. I've never held anything back from this blog so much so it's gotten me in trouble at times but I have for the past 2 weeks. I've posted the good and not the bad and it's because of the accountability and the shame. So here is its. I haven't ran outside or on the elliptical since Jan 7th. I've still been doing yoga but I've fallen off the wagon for my 15K training program and it hit me last night that I'm failing. It has become so hard to do it without a partner. Chrissy is out. Whenever she starts running again she will be starting the process over from sqaure one and Nate doesn't like to run and even though he says, "Oh, I will run with you." He's not pushing me.  He's not making me get out of bed to run. Or he's offered to ride his bike next to me. How awkward would that be? This will be a challenge for me. If I have no one here to push me I have to be the strong one. I have to push myself. After all this is my goal not anyone elses.  Chrissy said I could use her treadmill tonight so no excuse of not running in the dark by myself or it being too cold. I have to do this.

Ice skating

I went ice skating last night! We had fun as a family & my weight wasn't holding me back! Time to mark that off my goal list!

"Momma works"

My fabulous friend and daycare provider came over last night to catch up. We hadn't seen each other since we came back from Vegas and had some family issues to both discuss. We sat on Lorelei's floor while Little Miss played with her baby dolls before bedtime. We started talking about how much Lorelei has been talking and that it seems like just in the 5 days I was gone her speech has developed more. Chrissy was telling me that Lorelei talks about Daddy all day. That her Daddy does this and this and she asked her what about Momma. Lorelei replied, "Momma works".  It broke my heart to hear that. She's right though. Momma gets up earlier than she does and is out the door before she wakes 5 days a week to take Ethan to school.  If I have sessions or meeting with BMC after work then some days I don't see her at all.  On the weekends if I have a session I'm gone for 3-4 hours at a time. Sometimes multiple times a day.  Momma does work and maybe it's too much.  I don't want to miss out on things in her life. This is my last baby. My last chance to enjoy every moment of her life and Ethan's. How do I find that balance of providing for my children and being there for them. At the end of the day I know that the name brand clothes won't matter to them as much as my undivided attention.

I say all the time that I'm going to slow things down, plan less, have less sessions. I increased my prices last year and figured it would slow down. I made almost $12,000 last year in photography. That's a lot of extra work. I obviously didn't keep my word.  I'm making the statement again. I can't do anything about the sessions I currently have planned but I'm doubling my prices in the hopes that I will do 50% less session. 

I'm also going to switch weeks with Nate on dropping Ethan off. I want to be able to say good morning to my little girl. 2012 was really a year for me. It was a year I was making goals for myself and being selfish for the first time in 11 years. That time has come and gone though. I need to find a balance of time for me, time for us (Nate & I), and a time for we (my family).  Everything else just doesn't really matter.

Updated Goal List

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)

1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)  (schedule for the end of April)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
BEAT Nate in a 5K
10K
Gate River Run (signed up and ready to go!!!)
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate (Ulta in Miami)
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets I'm crossing this off this list because I'm too cheap to buy a bra from VS but I do own 3 bra's now and 1 is red and sexy. Plus Nate bought me some panties from VS so I think that counts.
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
32. Buy an outfit from Black & White Market, J Crew
33. Buy a pair of jeans at a regular store other than Old Navy.

I'm sexy and I know it

No not really. Vegas was a whole new world for me. A world where Sabrina dresses up in 3 inch heels, short shorts and dresses, and sexy tights. A world where men stopped and pointed to their friends to check out the legs on this giant walking down the aisle. A world where a man asked me to dinner 2 feet away from my husband. A world where 50 year old men stopped to tell me how great my legs were and how lucky my husband was. A world where my husband noticed a man stop in his track and my husband gently put his hand on my ass and stayed by my side.

I would be a liar if I was to say it didn't feel good. It was flattering. I've never considered myself an ugly girl but I don't know if I was as pretty as these men were making me feel.  Is that a bad feeling? To say that these men made me feel pretty. I don't know why but that statement makes me feel like a betrayal towards my husband.

Vegas was a different world. In my real world I wear boots, leggings, jeans (when they fit) and my favorite go to sandals. But it was nice to live in this world of dressing up for a few days. I've asked Nate to take me to places in Jacksonville where I could actually get to use those clothes again. We will see if that happens.