I did something I never thought I would do and I lead my first Al Anon meeting. I didn't do it because I'm all knowing and healed but to face a fear. I've been sitting in these meetings for over a year and I haven't said a word except for my name when required. When they asked for volunteers to lead a meeting in May I quickly put my name on the calendar and then immediately dreaded it. How was I going to lead and meeting when I wasn't cured? When I had no idea what I was talking about? I sat down one afternoon and looked at different topics and decided to talk about Choosing Not to Fight. I was going to bare my soul to these people for my 15 minutes and tell them who I was and why I was here. I picked a topic that I use now regularly but struggle with daily.
How did it go? I did it. I bared my soul and I told these strangers things that most don't know about me. I told them about my relationship with my qualifier and how it has affected my daily life. The best thing I haven't gotten from Al Anon is know that I have a choice not to engage in arguments with people. I'm tested everyday with it.
We all know I have a battle going on at work. Daily I get to choose to fight with this person or to make it work. I've chosen to make it work and if I leave in the long run I leave.
Currently I'm battling whether or not I show my sister in law what a bitch I can really be. Up until this morning I was going to. Then I started thinking about my training in Al Anon. What would I accomplish with confronting her? Would I feel better? What would it do to our family? The truth is it doesn't matter. If I can find peace in her faults then a confrontation doesn't matter. There is a slogan in Al Anon ..THINK. is it? Thoughtful. Honest. intelligent. Necessary. Kind.
If it's none of those things then it's not necessary for it to be said. And I have peace in that.
I saw this quote that said, "Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others." What good would me going into bitch mode or even expressing my unhappiness do? To hurt someone is to hurt yourself in some way. What would that accomplish?
Sometimes dealing with things by not dealing with things make me feel weak with serenity. I feel like a weakling. Why shouldn't I step up and tell her that she was out of line and needs to get into check. Why shouldn't I put her in her place? The truth is it's just not a big deal. I have a line with every single person in my life. My line in the sand. It use to be very close. Imagine me in the end zone and my line was at the 5 yard line. In the past 4 years my line is more in the other end zone. I haven't had a full on argument with anybody in years because after some time I just don't feel like it's necessary. Does that mean that an argument isn't ever happening? No. If it continues I will say something but at this moment I am okay with moving on. And does it have to be an argument? No! That's the best part. In the past 4 years I have had differences with people but I've learned to talk about it whether than arguing about it. I can remain cool, calm, and collective and have a disagreement with someone. I can respectively listen to their difference or problem with me. When a disagreement can end in a hug then both people can leave with respect and dignity. That's the property way to leave a disagreement. I've never once in my life felt good after getting into a full on screaming match with someone and I refuse to allow myself to get there again.
The best part about my sister in law is she's actually very similar to me and we respect that in each other. I respect that she is a bitch. I respect that she likes to take control. Our methods are different but we have had this conversation before. We are the bitches of the family. What's kinda funny is if you ask outside people they think I'm so sweet and nice. But an Alpha knows an Alpha and we both know who the stronger women are in the family and who are the weaker ones. How can I be upset with someone who really is no different than me? Her methods are just different. Which is okay.
So, what's my plan? My plan is to go to the beach tomorrow and wear a smile on my face. My plan is to go to Snooker's tomorrow night and wear a smile on my face. My plan is to Let Go. I've spent 2 weeks thinking about this and I'm ready to move on. And with that serenity I'm in peace. Just typing that out I feel a weight off my shoulder.
