Weekend Update

Softball Game:  We won.  My first time up to bat I struck out. I was so embarrassed.  I wanted to run away. Our turn on the field and I played first. I did pretty well.  The infield are all males and have good arms. The short stop has a strong arm but a killer curve on it and it's kinda all over the place.  Kinda drives me crazy because I don't like anything getting past me on first.  One of his balls went over my head.  grrr.  Second time up to ball and I hit an infield fly. Automatic out.  Way to go.  The next 2 times I walked and scored twice.  I got a good snap at first to my right side and no one to throw it to on first. I need to talk with the second base guy and see how much to my right he expects to cover and me to cover. He can't get to first to back up like I'm use to.  Overall it was okay. I had ups and downs and I'm going back.  I got out there and I'm doing it and I'm proud of myself.

Color Me Rad 2012:  It was a mess but a fun time!  I'm very blessed to have genuine friends in Jacksonville. It was a good group of mothers and kids in our group.  The mom's all stayed together and the kids ran. I was glad that Ethan participated and Nate & Lulu came to cheer us on.  The course was difficult because it was uneven and just a mess.  I didn't run as much as I wanted too but I stayed with our team. I decided before the run since this is more of a fun run I wasn't going to time myself or push myself. These ladies joined because of me and I was going to run or walk with them no matter what.  It was a good way to start my 5Ks.  I still have lots of training to do but it felt great to be out there. Doing something.

We are resting now.  I have a birthday party in 2 hours and I'm not sure I can move. 

Goal update: I WEIGH LESS THAN MY HUSBAND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! Of course it's not officially until the Monday weigh in but I weighed in at 204 and he was 206.  Go Bre!!!

Blah

Eating on the go is probably one of the toughest things you have to face. Today I had to get lunch on the go.  I stopped at Zaxby's which was one of my favorite fry places back in the day. Pay $8 for a full size meal?  I hate to waste money like that.  If I bought a full size grilled chicken sandwich I could eat half of the inside but not the bun. I just felt like it was a waste. Kid Menu option, grilled cheese or chicken fingers. I figured chicken fingers would be a good treat with the Zax sauce. WRONG! It tasted nasty! Greasy.  I didn't enjoy the glorious french fries like I thought I would.  I should haven't have been a cheap ass paid for the grilled chicken sandwich and given the other half to Ethan when he returned from school.  Lesson learned. Adios Zaxby fries!

Friday Update

First and foremost before & after picture:  I asked my dear husband last night and he told me to wait till Monday since that is my official weigh day anyhow. I will do it first thing after work.

Softball: First game is tonight.  I'm nervous especially because my sister in law said she wouldn't miss it for the world. I don't need an audience to see me look like an ass.  I did go to the batting cage but I'm worried about catching and throwing.  Please say a prayer for me!

5K:  The run is tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it actually. It's the first 5K that I actually feel prepared for.  I know that Chrissy & I can do this at the pace we've set in the mornings.  I didn't run this morning because my phone wasn't charging and was dead. I feel bad about that but I know it was an accident.  Tomorrow will be great.

Food:  After my post this week about food and how I thought I missed it it's really changed my thoughts on it. The post was going to be an Ode to Food and ended up being an eye opener.  This is why I love doing this. I love blogging and writing my thoughts out because it made me see how disgusting my eating habits were.

Nate:  Nate woke up Wednesday morning and announced that would be his last 4:45am run.  He was going to run on the elliptical at night from now on. He hates the mornings and hates waking up.  I tried to point out to him that trying to work out after we get home, make dinner, help homework, work on projects, get kids bathed and in bed we are exhausted. That it was going to be harder to get off the couch after the kids are finally in bed for the night.  Needless to say he didn't get on that elliptical at all this week! lol  He will be joining us in the morning again.  It's just too hard to workout at night. Especially for parents. 

Family:  No new update. My older sister went through some stuff this week and my heart goes out to her.  I know what she went through was a scary experience and I'm hoping it was also an eye opening experience.  I'm keeping her in my prayers.

That's all for now.  A busy fun weekend planned. Softball, 5K, and a Jaguar game!  I'm cooking so here is the menu:  Beer whiskey pulled chicken on wheat buns (no bun for me), BBQ beans, and chips for everyone else.  Same plan as before but I'm going to STOP drinking when I walk into the stadium. I'm bringing my chickpeas and some chicken into the game with me.  Wish me luck!  Go Jags!

I forgot :(

I forgot all about Girl Scout cookies! God help the poor soul that comes to my door. I might just punch her in the face! I will miss my samoas

Oh I miss you....wait no I don't

This is not easy.  I would be a liar if I said I love eating my egg muffin instead of this beauty every morning.   Almost every single morning I would stop and get a chicken biscuit with a side of hash browns and a diet Dr. Pepper. You know because that wouldn't make it so bad.  700 Calories and 35gs of Fat and it wasn't even 8 o'clock yet. 

While looking at the picture I can just taste it. I know how pathetic I must sound but we I built a relationship with food.  I loved a good plate full of Tostados from Tijuana Flats. OMG with the sweet sauce it's so good.  Countless numbers of lunches with Yaritza and John going to TJ sometimes 3 times a week.  Chips with queso and more sweet sauce of course.  A dab of sour cream, dab of salsa, and a dab or heap of sweet sauce and these things were Heaven. A little nacho party in your mouth!  I did make it power lite (low fat cheese and sour cream) because that wouldn't make it so bad.  975 Calories not including the gobs of queso I dipped the chips appetizer into and the sweet sauce.

Dinner time wouldn't be so bad IF I was cooking at home and I cook at home 80% of the time.  The biggest chunk of not cooking is on the weekend.  Let's pretend it's a Friday night.  No cook Fridays= Pizza or Chinese food!  Panda Express it is!  Orange chicken with Kung Poa Chicken, fried rice and 1 and 1/2 chicken egg rolls. 1490 calories and 69 grams of fat!  Oh, and duck sauce. Lots of duck sauce.

For my Friday my grand total if I did not eat an entire bag of Doritos with cheese dip when I got home (which my husband has had the pleausure of watching me do) is 3,165 calories and approx 139 grams and fat.  In one day!  A normal person should eat 1,600 calories a day and 53 grams of fat.

This post was to be about how much I miss all of this beautiful food but really it's ended up disgusting me.  It was going to have beautiful pictures of the food and be an I miss you letter to them.  I'm disgusted about my old eating habits. I had no clue.  Really I didn't.  No exercise and shoveling food into my mouth. No wonder why I tipped the scale at 282.2 pounds. 17 pounds away from 300 pounds.  What was I doing to myself?  I got my before pictures ready for you guys yesterday and I felt like I was going to throw up. I had no idea how much better I look right now but what I looked like on June 3 at only 266.6 was awful.  I didn't see it!!! I knew I was fat but I didn't see what I took a picture of that day.  I'm so glad that I've been a hypocrite to my kids about eating and they are healthy eaters because I was giving them an awful example for so long.  I'm even more happy that I realized this before I turned Lorelei into a fattie for life. I hope she can learn from her Momma and live a healthier lifestyle.

So, what do I eat now?  I'll give you my menu from yesterday.

I started off with a 45 minute run/walk.  Sweat pouring from my face and hair. Shit, I even took of my shirt halfway through because no one is awake at 5:30 in the morning to judge. The distance is a little under 3 miles now.  I get home and drink a bottle of water while getting ready for work.  On the way into the office I drink 2 oz of Intek Protein Shake. It provides me with 160 calories, 1 gram of fat, and most importantly34 grams of protein.   When I arrive at work I work up if it's been at least 30 mins since I've finished my protein drink I warm up an egg muffin.  This week's egg muffin is egg, low fat cheese, red bell pepper, and zucchini.  I can eat one and feel full and that provides me with142 calories, 10 grams of fat, and 10.7 grams of protein.  I drink water all day long. Mostly with a crystal light package in it.  Caroline came over for lunch yesterday. She brought Tijuana Flats!  Don't worry. :) She brings 2 soft chicken tacos with black olives, shredded lettuce, tomato, and cheese.  I dump out the contents of the tacos and eat only the inside with a tab of sweet chili sauce on it.  According to TJ's website that's 233 calories for 2. So I get about 115 of that.  She gives me 4 chips and I dip it. Yesterday I finished 3 of the 4 chips. Lets say 50 calories for those bad boys.  I still feel like I'm getting to enjoy normal life eating without the 975 calorie lunch I was before. I love Taco Tuesdays!  After lunch more water! And a snack. I had about 7 almonds. Remember the ones we fought over Charlyn? I ate 7 of them and not the whole can! Again I get to feel like I am eating what I like but not overdoing it.  Dinner last night was leftovers.  I had the insides to a stuff bell pepper. Made with lean ground turkey, black beans, zucchini, and low fat cheese.  Topped with mango salsa.  I don't know what the calorie count of those are but most importantly it is protein packed!  The meat, the beans, and the cheese so very good for my protein requirements!  If I valued that at 300 calories, which I doubt, that puts my calorie count at 717 per day. Compared to 3,165 from May.  Now my calorie count is low. Eventually I need to eat up to 1400 calories a day and I will get there by my 1 year anniversary but for now protein is most important. I need to aim for 50-70 grams a day to stay healthy.  I need to add an afternoon shake in and I will be perfect there.  I also take vitamins. B12, Iron, Calcium, and a Multi Vitamin. When I don't I can feel my lack of energy.

7 years ago I met with a doctor who looked at me and told me I was killing myself. I started to cry and I got into the car and thought what an asshole. I'm almost 90% positive I had a whopper with large onions rings with a diet coke for dinner that night.  But he was right.  I was killing myself.  Every single bite I took was not for the benefit of my health or desire to watch my family grow up it was to satisfy this relationship I had with food.  I loved it. I needed it. Big celebration?  Food.  Bad day?  Food. Crying?  Food.  Movie theater. popcorn dipped in cheese dip.  Oh, yes with a Diet Coke.  As much as I love my little family and I want to spend every moment that God will gift me with them, I was taking away from that. statistics say that I will live a longer life now. I will get to see my Grandchildren. Maybe Great Grandchildren. I will get to hold my husband's hand longer. I will get to enjoy this life that I love so much and I respect so much more now.   So, I don't miss you. I always think I do but when I actually stop to think about the relationship I had with you before it disgust me!  How's that for an ending to a relationship? :)

 

3 month checkup

I weighed in at 207.5 at the doctor's office with all my clothes on.  Not bad. the lady said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight." But I'm pretty positive she says that to everyone.  My blood pressure was 110/70.  I no longer need blood pressure medicine!  11 years later and I can say I no longer have high blood pressure.  What! What!  The doctor came in after a 20 minute wait, looked over my chart quickly and said I was doing great.  Asked me if my energy was coming back...yes.  Was I taking my vitamins...yes (well most of the time. I remember during the week but forget on the weekends)  And that was it.  I always feel so rushed with him and hate his bedside manner.  I want C doctor.  He made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  No blood test this time.  Next appt is Dec 18 and we will go over my blood work then.  We talked about eating and drinking. Told me it was bad because it will either A.) fill up your pouch with water and you won't eat or B.) wash all you food away.  32 years I've had a glass of milk with dinner or lunch this is going to be a hard habit to break.  I have to do it though because it's been making me feel nauseous and get overheated.  Not a good feeling.  Yesterday I had to take my shirt off in the car on the way home. My poor son was embarrassed but I was so freaking hot and sweaty.  My plan to fix this is to A.) stop ordering water when we go out to eat. I've been doing it because if you say no drink the waitresses look at me weird but then I drink the water and regret the feeling.  B.) tell Ethan to smack my hand when I try to take a drink of his milk or Lorelei's.  I'll keep you updated on the progress.  He asked if I had any restrictions and besides this most recent drink/food issue I haven't. He said no dumping means I'm following the rules.  I guess that was a pat on the back. 

So 2 thumbs up for me.  I can't believe I'm 8 pounds away from weighing less than 200 hundred pounds. This feels like a fairy tale.  It feels like I'm going to wake up and realize this was on a possibility but not reality.  I wish I would have done this sooner in my life.  I would do this surgery again in a heart beat. No regrets.  My original weight loss goal is 170 &  I can taste it!  It taste like protein and lots of running but it's so worth it!

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

4 years ago I found a place to vent.  A place of my own.  My blog was my ability to get my thoughts out, scream at the world, scream at myself, speak from my heart, sometimes from my head, and of course safe a bunch of interior designs. I type. I cry. I cry as I type but after I hit publish I felt so much better.  If you know me at all you know that I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I like to process things. I like to think about things and this blog allowed me to do it. I would get all this crap out of my head and then a few days later I would come to terms with things realize I was right, realize I was wrong, realize what direction I would move forward in.  I guess I should follow through with that train of thought here on my blog but I didn't need to since I had it all figured out.  So, I can see how some of my blogs can see bipolar to some.  Now in the last few weeks my blogs have been more public.  Shit just this morning it's been viewed 6 times and I didn't even post this morning!  I've been questioned on my blog postings. I've been high fived on my postings.  I've made people cry and hurt people's feelings.  That wasn't what this was suppose to be. This was suppose to be for me.  Not a gateway to conversations and feelings I wasn't ready to discuss.  That's the selfish side of me screaming STOP! STOP READING THIS! THIS IS MINE! I know it's like trying not to look at the carwreck on the side of the road though. Or checking your boyfriends email or voicemails. Once you start you just can't stop. lol We've all been there before. On the flip side when I told my sister I was going to cancel it or move to another place she gave me a sad face and said she liked reading it.  My other sister told me it helped her understand me more and understand my weightloss journey.  I know that's a good thing but it also makes me very vunable.  Your thoughts, your heart, your feelings are the best ammunition to use against someone.   Remember I choose what I let the Grayson's see or know.  They were on a need to know basis. Kid updates, family updates, but never my heart. Never my feelings.  Am I willing to risk that?  Or is it time for Bre to move on. Or is it time for Bre to open herself up.  In the end no one can really hurt me.  At the end of the day the mean thoughts, emails, phone calls, judgements don't matter.  I have my family.  My husband, my children, my life in FL and they can't touch that.  But maybe what I can do is rebuild something I worked so hard to remove from my life. .  My relationship with the rest of them.

So what will I do?  Oh, you know I have no fucking clue.  Blog, think, process.  That's my thing.  My husband let me crawl into a warm tub yesterday and listen to love songs.  Today's slacker radio station: Love songs. Somehow the sad songs heal my heart. I think I got that from my mom. I remember how she woudl sit on her computer and listen to the sad songs, that I know by heart now, and cry but it made her feel better.  It makes me feel better.

Weight Update:  207.2 this morning!!! Can you freaking believe it!  I'm so close to under 200 pounds for the first time since 2001.  What did I pick as an reward?  New asics running shoes! I know it amazes me too.  My goal of weighing less than Nate?  He weighed in at 204.2 (butthead!) I have a doctor appt in one hour. I hope to hear that the last 3 months I've been a good girl.  God knows I'm trying.  I'm not dieting. I'm just being a healthier version of me.  I'll update you on what he says.  Also the status of my before and after picture?  I want to be honest the reason I have posted it is because of you!  lol Whoever you guys are.  The before is not pretty.  It's me.  In my bra and panties not sucking in, all 266.6 pounds of me.  IT'S NOT PRETTY.  Shit, I'm not sure if 207.2 of me is that pretty either but it's an improvement.  When I realized more people were reading this I didn't want to post the picture. I didn't want them to copy and paste it on their computers and mail them out with their Christmas cards. lol I decided last night if I'm going to keep this blog I'm going to do it. I'm going to put myself at your mercy.  If I'm going to move forward with my weight with my family I have to trust. I have to canonball into the deep end.  This is how I'm going to do it.  Sun glasses recommended because my belly was WHITE!

Also, if I'm going to keep this I might as well apologize for my grammer and writing skills now.  My husband is the brains and I'm the beauty.  I don't want to put too much thought into this.  Just the ramblings of a 32 year old girl not a New York Times editorial. No judgements please!

Accountability

Please help me. The people that are reading this blog. I need accountability. Words are just words & a waste of time if I don't follow through. Whether its on my family or personal relationships or weight loss please push me to keep my word. Don't let me get pissed in a week & blame it on someone else. This isn't a pity party. Hold me accountable!!!

No boogieman

I really hate people who play the victim. Who like to blame everyone else for the bad things that happen in their life. Imagine how I felt when I realized this no excuse momma had her very own boogieman to blame. Bad trip home? Boogieman's fault. Fight with my father? Boogieman's fault. Crossing the line? The Boogieman pushed me. Bad relationship with my Mother? Boogieman's doing. Regardless if the Boogieman has had a small hand in any of it I always put the full blame on her.

Stop blaming the boogieman Sabrina! Stop saying your ready to forgive & move forward but pull out the same old blame card. Why can I be so forgiving with all the rest of them but not her? I guess reality is I blame the current strain of my relationship with my mother on the boogieman. I feel like she has been working behind the scene against me instead of the way I worked to get her sister/kids to her wedding to help her. The way she didn't work to mend things for my wedding. I think that was the creation of the boogieman for me. To know that on the one happiest days of my life she was still trying to be hurtful & say mean things about me on my wedding day. But are you really holding onto that Sabrina? Are you that pathetic? It was 4 years ago. It didn't ruin your day, move on. Then, during my 7 months of pregnancy the day of constant beatings. Over 100 text messages. "Your parents hate you. Your own mother can't stand you. You're father thinks your disgusting." Laying in bed sobbing. feeling defeated bc I couldn't fight for myself because I had to fight for my baby. My husband calling her asking her to stop & her reply being, "oh, are you going to go into labor? Hehehe". Are you still holding onto that? Still blaming the Boogieman for that Bre? You didn't go into labor. You called your father & had a great conversation with him & your mother. You gave birth right when you were suppose to. You said you forgave. Did you? And now the little things. You blame the boogieman. Lets not act like you don't remember you made choices Sabrina. You choose to shut yourself off from all of them. Yes, it might have been to protect yourself but it was still your choice. Not hers. You decide what & when they can be part of your life. If they don't know you it can't be their fault you shut down a long time ago. If your relationship is strained with your mother it's your fault. You show no desire to fix it. You decide to live your day thinking you are fine without her.
You can't then go back & blame the boogieman. & maybe the blame is because of jealousy. mostly because of your mom. you wish you could go back at the same time you refuse to give in. I'm not asking you to look past the parts the boogieman has played in your hurt but its time to move on. Its time for you to stand by the choices YOU made & continue to make. but you cant blame someone else for everything. No excuses, remember?

Did I just give myself a lecture? Lol I must be losing it! I love & hate moments like this. The moments when I feel like I have everything figured out & realize I have a lot to learn. I thought this next year would be about my weight loss. I have a feeling it will be a whole lot more. Closing some doors permanent. Opening new doors. Whatever they might be I must remember that they are my choices.

2 pounds

208.8! 2 pounds from last week. I know I keep saying I'm ready for the stall but I know it will mess with my head. 4 pounds away from Nate. 3 month appointment tomorrow. I hope my labs come back okay. 1 more day of at home vacation with my hubby. Happy Monday

I think it's real this time

I think this will be my first stall or gain this Monday. I weighed in at 210.6 last week. I've done everything right this week but I haven't lost any weight. Not going to let this get me down. It's weird that for some reason I feel fatter than I was a few weeks ago even though I've lost weight. A large part of this is so mental. I have my first softball game on Friday & I'm so nervous. I don't want to suck. I hat the attention of my at the plate. Then the 5K Saturday. I still don't have that I love to run feeling but I want to keep pushing through. Fingers crossed for even a couple ounces of a loss tomorrow!

What a weekend.

48 hours of Husband & Wife time. Not our roles as momma/dada, providers, caregiver, responsibilities. Just us. The two that built this family enjoying each other. We started off by riding with the windows down which I never do for 40 miles. It sounds like such a little thing but my husband loved it & I loved doing it for him. Hate my hair after though. For on a scooter for the first time because I wasn't worried about being the fat girl on the scooter. Walked hand & hand down the streets of St Augustine. I got to tell him how much I love & appreciate him over the candlelight of our favorite restaurant. How the time we have together never feels like enough. I don't know what I did to deserve this man but I'm so thankful. I'm in love with my husband more today than I was 4 years ago. Our marriage & relationship has evolved just like we have. We are growing up together & we are in this 100%. Not for our children but because we love each other. I love him. For all of him & he's a saint for loving me just as I am. We have one more day of hooky before the real world starts again Tuesday & then we get one day in November to take out pics (our photographer had a death in the family) & then it's Vegas in Jan!!!

I know you don't read this often Nate but if you do happen to read this thank you. Thank you for being the man who changed my heart. People give me so much credit for the changes & improvements in your life but I don't think they know how much I needed you. How much I need you. You are my strength. my straight line. You fill my heart & soul with unconditional love even when I don't deserve it. You give me the strength to face the hurt in life & to be the mother I want to for my children. And you blow my mind away 9 years later. I love you Mr. Brigance. Always.

Balance-self torture??

In my quest to be a better whole person I always find myself getting hurt. Why am I always trying to give others the benefit of the doubt? It's at my expense. Who do I value more? Me or them? The truth is they are mean ugly people. Inside & out. That hasn't changed. It probably never will at this point. Why do I always force myself to be the better person? A few weeks ago my sister (big shock) blocked me from her Facebook bc she didn't believe "my post contributed to her life." AKA she didn't like watching me achieve happiness. She doesn't like watching my life improving. The difference between a Brigance & Grayson. How many times can I say it, "thank God for the Brigances." She then blocked my page from her view & my mothers. Always trying to get in between any type of relationship between me & my mom. Where does her extreme insecurity come from? From being ignored as a child? To never being good enough for her mother before she had money? Or is it just her? Just this evilness inside her inherited by the games my father & mother have taught? Why should I be the one trying to find the right balance between being strong & protecting myself to being forgiving no matter how much they INTENTIONALLY try to hurt me? I know better. You would think I would have learned my lesson but my sister, dad, mom they go in the same category as Matt & I'm always trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt. I like pain maybe? No, really it comes down to my children. To teaching them forgiveness & not harbor ing the ugliness inside of you. I could not live my life festering the constant ugly & evil that they do. Don't they get that it's just not worth it? No, I don't think they do because some people enjoy hurting other people. No matter if its their daughter, sister, or son's mother.

Since I know longer know who or how someone is reading my blog I must add this disclaimer: this is my blog. Not for the sole intention of anyone else but ME. My therapy to release the thoughts inside my head. If you don't like the words or thoughts Inside Bre's Head I apologize but remember these things: 1. Nobody is forcing you to come & read my post 2. They are my words not facts. Just my thoughts. 3. they aren't meant to hurt anyone but my therapy & process of letting stuff go.

Don't Judge

What a great picture and words. Something I really need to do. Like my post mentioned yesterday the fantasy of a big home and picture perfect life can be deceiving.  How can I judge someone when I don't know what they are going through right now or in their past. Even me and my husband. No one knows the storm that brewed in our house for almost a year.  Outside I did what I was taught as a kid and that was to put on a smile.  It's funny how I can think I have my shit together and I see something like this and I know that I'm guilty of this exact thing.  So even though I thought I had learned my lesson about this because I don't blast my opinions about people on facebook or other ways and 90% of the time I'm accepting of people's choice.  Whether it's something I would have done or not I can support someone. Give my opinion and be by their side.  But I still judge.  Is that something that humans can stop doing?  I don't know but I'm going to try to be better at it. To being less critical of people in my head and heart.  Always a working process this girl is. :)

Run update: Jog 3 mins, walk 90 secs, job 5 mins, walk 2.5 mins, jog 3 mins, walk 90 secs.  More running than walking.  The last 5 mins felt like 10 minutes but we made it through without stopping. Some cussing but no stopping and my husband was there by my side.

How do you measure yourself?

Is it by the amount of money you make?  The size of your home?  The laughter in your house?  The size of your pants?  The amount of love in your heart?  The strength of your family?  The car you have?

How do I measure myself?  I was raised in a house by a father that had a nice home. That had nice things.  We didn't want for much.  Behind the close doors was a heavy hand and a mean mouth.  A father that told me that I was a loser. I was a bitch. I would never become anything but a loser.  I couldn't tell you the amount of time I heard those things from my father.  How many times I felt the wrath of his anger on my face or behind.  My stomach or my throat. But we had a nice big house with a beautiful yard.  On some weekends I was raised in my mother's home.  I watched her drink beer/wine from breakfast until sleepy time. I watched her beat herself up because husband molest her children and try to drink her pain away.  Boy did I love her though.  In my eyes she was perfect.  She let us do whatever she wanted. She never said a mean thing to me or my little sister.  We were the pretty ones, the tall one, the smart one (her not me lol) but my two older sisters were never good enough.  It wasn't until I was older that I realized unless I followed a strict line that I would never be good enough either.  That it didn't matter if I was the pretty one, the tall one, the one who could make her laugh, that as long as I stood my ground that I would never be her daughter.  But if I take away the inside of the homes I grew up in and just measured based on had. What we had I guess you could say we measured out pretty well. 

I have a nice home. We have 2 decent cars. We both have 2 good jobs.  We are blessed with 2 beautiful children.  I guess we measure out really well on paper.  When I measure my life it's based on so much more than the numbers on paper.

I don't measure myself based on my haves. I measure myself mainly on my children and my husband. The home not house we have built. The way we all hang out together as a family.  The laughter and memories we are building together. I fail sometimes. I have to regroup sometimes.  When I try to be a sterner parent and I see or hear my father. I step back. I apologize to my son.  Always and I readjust.  I'm a work in progress and we as a family will figure this out together.  I've learned more patience and understanding through my son.  He is such a wise and warm hearted boy and sometimes I can't believe I made him. He will be a good man one day.  A good father.  A good husband.  I know this and I tell him this all the time.  I always remember to praise him for his achievements and stand by his side and support for his misses.  He is punished. He has consequences but I could never tell him that he was a loser.  My daughter.  My sweet baby girl. I feel such a huge obligation to her and my success as a parent will be measures largely on the woman, sister, mother, wife, friend she grows to be.  I think because I was raised in a house full of women I know what I want and don't want for my daughter.  I don't want her to have to go through the things I did to be able to look herself in the mirror. From the moment I found out I was having a daughter I knew my job was about to get harder.  If I could pick anyhow as her role model it would be my younger sister and my stepmother.  To be a fighter and maintain her dignity and grace.  That would be something worth pouring into my measuring cup.  My husband.  My "drives me up the wall" love of my life.  I wish so badly that I met him before I did. So I could truly have spent a lifetime with him.  The time we were given just doesn't seem like enough for me.  My job as a wife is always in a 'Needs Improvement' status.  I could always do better.  I could always remind myself that I love him for who he is and everything that he has not for the faults that drive me crazy.  That's the good thing about me. I'm willing to admit that I'm a work in progress. I'm far from perfect and every year if I can become a better wife or mother or friend then I've had a good year.  I want to be a better wife. It's so hard for me to be a laid back wife.  I'm trying. I really am. My strengths are my husbands weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths and I need to celebrate that more.  Our marriage as a whole is an excellent. Thank you Jesus.  We really did work so hard to almost destroy it 3 years ago.  One thing that never changed during that time is I loved him and God did he love me.  We did it. We were able to beat our demons and now we are stronger than I could ever imagine.  After spending almost 9 years with this man I can honestly say that I like him.  I LIKE HIM!!! I enjoy the moments I get to spend with him. I get giddy when I see him walk into my office still and feel this flutter (which I thought was made up before) when he kisses me still.  Because I like him I can't help but be head over heels in love with him. In love with the way he makes me feel and in love with the fact that we are happy.  I'm sure on facebook it seems cheesy or over the top but I'm thankful.  I've been in an unhappy unhealthy marriage and I'm so thankful that I was given Nate as my husband. 

I measure myself based on my friendships.  Can you believe one of my closest friends tells me how nice I am?  I feel like saying, "are you crazy?  You must not know me. I'm not nice." I guess the reality is I am. My sister somehow read a blog post that was up for 30 minutes and I said some not so nice things.  Reality is; it's my blog. It's my thoughts. I could say whatever I wanted to but now I feel bad.  Just because it's in my head and in my thoughts or maybe even the way I feel doesn't mean that I want to use those words to hurt someone.  To hurt her.  So if you are still reading my blog post. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I said those things about you.  The truth is that maybe just like I believe you don't know me I probably don't know you.  And if you would ever like to work on that I would be happy to get to know you again. 

I measured myself that day when I found out she had read it.  I didn't like how I felt knowing I had hurt her feelings.  It's not my intentions through this blog, through my facebook, through my words to hurt any ones feelings.  This blog is how I learned how to get my thoughts out.  They are my thoughts and not rules or facts just the rambling of a 32 year old girl who is trying to keep her shit together.  I measure myself by my mirror and the way I see myself emotionally and the world perceives me. I want to be a good person. I want to be a loving person. A nice person. On the other side I want to fight with dignity for what's right and wrong. I want to be a strong woman that my children can be proud of. A provider and lover for my husband.  I want to make mistakes.  Lots of them and learn from them. Every year I want to say I did better. I improved this and I learned this.

If I lost my house, my car, my job tomorrow I could still measure my life in a large cup.  As a wife, mother, friend, family member I'm always trying to improve and be the best I can be.  As my life physically keeps changing over this next year I excited to see how these relationships will change and improve.

Before and After?

Here you go. courtesy of my virtual model. I know you want a real one and I will do it on Oct 4th. My 4 month anniversary promise!!

266.6   (June 2012)                                      210.60 (current)                                    160 (gasp!)

First Jaguar Home Game

This is my rny plan.  I just had a protein shake and I'm about to take my vitamins.  During tailgating I want to drink.  I'm going to drink Bacardi Sangria and not eat because I can't eat and drink at the same time.  You can not bring food into the stadium so I have a can of roasted chick peas in the oven that I'm going to bring as my snack during the game. Marie is bringing chicken for tailgating so I'm gong to bring a piece of chicken with me into the game and eat during the game. I'm also going to switch to water during the game. I'm hoping this plan is a good balance of football shenanigans and rny surgery.  I'll edit when I get home.


So how did it go? Great until I forgot the stop drinking when you get into the stadium part. I had 2 more beers & felt eww the rest of the game by the time I switched to water. I did snack on my chick peas but didn't eat the chicken. Nate put such a large piece in the bag it turned me off. After the game we order pizza and I had a slice of pizza. Gasp! No not really. It's on about moderation according to my nutritionist & I needed the fat & calories today when I barely at anything. So overall a good plan. The next game is the 30th & I'm cooking a rny friendly meal. Tomorrow's my official weighin day. I hope it's 209 again!

Shorts

Cross one more thing off my goal list. I'm wearing shorts today to the Jaguar game. My husband said. "wear them. You don't h e cottage cheese legs." boy does that man have a way with words! Lol

Oh & I just broke 210! 209.6!!! So close to under 200! I have to think of a good reward for me? Massage??

ARHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so thankful that I can be so mad at my husband & he upset with me one moment & an hour later this is our conversation:

Him-"are we okay?"
Me- "always"

Man how our marriage has changed in the last 3 years.

Goal Check

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (12 pounds away!)

1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)

1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.

2. Weight: 170.
3. Take Family pictures

4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :) (couple pictures with Nate schedule for Sept.!)

5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters

6. Go iceskating

7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)

8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!

9. Wear shorts

10. Dance in a club or bar

11. Run a 5K, SIGNED UP FOR A 5K IN September training every morning at 5am.
      10K,       River Run
      Half Marathon
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):)

13. Go to a costume party

14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)

15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room

16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!

17. Wear knee high boots

18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.

19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed

21. Go horseback riding

22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate

Fatties for life

I wondered if this would happen. I wondered if when I started to lose weight if some of the people in my life would be jealous. If they found comfort in me being a biggie with them or them being the thinner one.  I know that for me the first time I got to spend time with my lifetime BFF and I saw how fabulous she looked and how she got to shop at the stores I couldn't, I felt jealous.  Well kinda. I was jealous with a good spirit because I know how much losing the weight meant to her. Spending our vacation with her last year is what pushed me to finally make the same choices she did. To reach for that physical happiness I had the pleasure of watching her achieve.

I hope that my family and friends can feel the same way that I did and do for my BFF.  That they can be inspired by me the same way I was by her.   I love the support I've received from my family.  I'm elated that they have started working on their own fitness.  I can just imagine the adult cruise with all of us looking fabulous and in bikinis!  We are tailgating on Sunday and my sister in law is making something with my restrictions in mind and something healthy for them. That makes me dealing with the thought of chips and hot dogs so much easier and I love her for that.  I'm truly blessed to have met a man with an amazing family.

I love how my husband loves the transformation. That he loves to see how far he can wrap his arms around me and I love even more that he waited to tell me that he couldn't a few months ago. 

I love the random text messages I get from Charlyn cheering me on.  When I run and prepare for 5Ks Charlyn and Buffie are two people that inspire me. The message from my little sister Caroline saying that I've inspired her to get into shape.  These next few years are going to define her next decade and I hope that I can mentally and physically help her be the young lady I know she can be. 

I have another good friend that I believe feels towards me as I did to my BFF.  She is now on the road to her own weight loss surgery. I'm so happy that because she has stood by me as a support member she was inspired by me and her own BFF and has chosen to move forward with RNY.  To put herself first and her health first for the first time.  I can't wait to be there for her in the next couple months just as she was & is there for me.  I can't wait even more for us to go shopping together and run more races together and to look like those healthy women that jogged pass us one day.

As this journey goes on I know that I will face people that have a mean spirited jealous attitude towards me. That will point out my faults rather than my accomplishments.  Eww looks at her saggy arms instead of man look at her thin waist. Or even, "You wear happiness well"  I know it's coming. I know that in certain people it's there right now.  I don't flaunt every success to the public because I don't want to encourage jealousy.  I just hope that those people that found comfort in me being a fattie for life that will find some motivation from my life and my current struggles and use that to motivate them.  We all deserve better than this. We did this to ourselves. I made myself fat and I deserve more.  It feels great to be selfish and to say that out loud. I deserve to feel good.  Is weight just a number?  Are big girls beautiful?  Yes, but don't lie to yourself. We aren't happy.  I wasn't happy. I knew I was beautiful but 9 times out of 10 I felt ugly. I felt fat. I felt like I wasn't good enough for myself, my kids, or my husband.  Especially my husband. I deserve happiness and to be comfortable with my own shadow.  To be able to smile at that reflection in the mirror.  As I watch my family and friends start to make the choice I did, whether through surgery or a healthy lifestyle change it makes me happy. 

Okay sorry I got off track. lol So, what do I do about the mean spirited jealousy?  What can I do?  I live my life. In the words of those great Jersey Shore kids, "I do me."  I can't change how people feel.  Believe me I've tried!  I can only fix me. I can only control how I deal with things. The "haters" will have no impact on me because I expected it. I guess the good thing is that before going into this I had realistic expectations. I am 85-90% mentally stable (lol) and I'm able to emotionally work on these people or incidents without letting it stop me from my goal.  This girl will not be a fattie for life.

Here's agreat excerp from an article I read. "If having others believing in you and your dream was a requirement for success, most of us would never accomplish anything. We need to base our decisions about what we want to do on our goals and desires, not the goals, desires, opinions and judgments of your parents, friends, spouse, children and co-workers.  Quit worrying what other people think about you and follow your heart."

I'm doing it!

I joined a softball team! I'm going to be playing first base on a middle level team.  EEK!!!!! I had ever reason why not to do it. The games are too far away. I'm going to be out of town 3 of the games. I'm not ready. I'm not sure I can throw a ball worthy enough.  I don't think I can run. I don't want to look like an ass running. BUT I'm going to do it. I told the coach I was onboard and I'm going to suck it up and do it.  I'm not going to be scared of putting myself out there anymore. I'm doing it!!!

Who's out there????

I just checked my blog stat's and I saw that my blog was read 168 times last month.  Who the heck is reading this????  You guys are creeping me out! Come out the bushes and announce yourself. :)

I'll take it!

Official weigh in this morning was 213.  Down 1 pound from last Monday and I will take it! So total loss since surgery 53.6 since the very beginning of this journey in August 2011- 69.2

I feel fat this week. I'm sure it's because of my cycle   We woke up and ran this morning. It was much harder but it felt good.  I just wish Nate was as pumped about this as I am.

First-Nate gave me a piggy back around the house this weekend and I didn't kill him. :)

My first

I think tomorrow morning will be my first no weight loss morning. This week I've really stayed at 214 & not less. I have eaten more this week. Not unhealthy just felt more hungry a few days but I've also been running in the morning so that can be adding muscles & burning food faster right? I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for my weigh in tomorrow & remind myself that everyone has stalls. For even a month at a time around this period. Stay positive & stay on track. Please don't get down on yourself tomorrow Bre. You are doing so well.

Do Better

Surgery wasn't a do-over it was a do-better.  I've been given this amazing opportunity to become a new person.  To enjoy my life in a way I haven't been able to do in the past 10 years. To have extra time with my babies, with my love.  It isn't a magic trick. Well, I take that back. I can sit back and do nothing and eat what my stomach allows and still lose weight but that's not what I want.  I said from the very beginning I was doing this to be healthy and to become active. I don't want the magic of the pouch to do all the work.  This is my opportunity at a do-better. To make better food choice, to know my limits, to get off the couch and move. I wanted a new life and I've been given the opportunity to make it the life that I want.  I think so far I'm doing pretty good.  I've been exercising.  I walk in the mornings with Nate & Chrissy.  This morning we started 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking.  It's an app called couch to 5K and the running will increase.  I'm not to the point when my alarm goes off at 5am that I'm super excited to go outside and during th run my hips were hurting!  But I didn't hate my shadow that I saw when I was running and I felt like Rocky when I was finished.  3 1/2 weeks until my first 5K since 2009.  Once I start running more I will set a goal for me to beat. For now it's just to finish!