The answer

While sitting at home last night in the darkness of the living room, the kids in bed and the man at hockey I could help but think about our debt and what we are going to do about it. I can't feel helpless because being a victim isn't going to fix it. I did what any girl of 2014 does and I looked up debt on Pinterest. There a found a link to this article. http://www.thedebtmyth.com/paying-off-more-than-147000-in-debt/. It explained the journey of Jackie, a woman just like me that was once in debt. Unlike Jackie I have a job and have had steady employment for over 10.5 years. If Jackie could pay of debt while unemployed at some points I could do this. Or should I say we could do it.  I understood her process because it mirrored Dave Ramsey's book which I read a few years ago. You pay the smallest amount first and put all extra money into that card. Once that card is paid off you take that regular payment and put it all on the next smallest card, once that card is paid off you take those 2 monthly payments plus all extra money and put it all into the next card. The process is slow at first but once you have freed up a couple items of debt you are throwing larger snowballs at the next item. I've done it before and it worked.  I'm going to do it again.

 

I downloaded the app and imputed all of our debt into the app. This includes car payments and all monies owed. It does not include his student loans or our home loan. Once we conquer these items we will focus on his student loan and then hopefully pay off our house!  I feel relieved to have a plan. And to have it all organized now. To be able to see it and know that it's actually not that bad. Credit card wise it's very manageable.

 

Step #1 was to organize it.

Step #2. Pay minimums to all debts except for the lowest. Put as much as you can into that card until it's paid off. That includes any photography money or side work Nate and I do. I have approximately $600 coming in on Oct 1st for photography. That will payoff card #1 and half of card #2..starting the snowball effect.

Step#3. Stop using credit. This was something I did before last year and a standard we lived by. If we didn't have it in cash we didn't do it. We lost sight of that and debt quickly built up.

Step#4. Cut out extras cost and put toward card #1. For example I sold our Jaguar tickets for the next game last night. $126 in our bank that I can pay towards that account. Nate also found some items around the house he could sell and I'm going to push photography more. I've enjoyed the time off but I need to hustle if I want to see these snowballs flying at this debt!

 

Nothing major has happened and my bank account has $29 until the first but the thought of having a plan now is a small life ring in this mess.

I'm not an alcoholic

FYI: I don't have a drinking problem. These past 3 weeks have been cake. Now I just have to control my intake vs my weight. Finishing up the month alcohol free and will work on that. 

Drowning and I don't know how to stop

I'm over this. I'm over of negative bank accounts and wondering when we will run out of money before pay checks. I'm tired of debt. Of credit cards with no available balance. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems so out of control and I have no idea how this happened.

Nothing is different in our lives. No added expenses. The only thing I can pinpoint it on is taking my sister and her kids in. That helped drive up my credit card debt. School shopping, grocery shopping, dinners for 8, activities for 8, gas for 3. Very slowly the balance went up. In some ways I wish I never let them move in because now I'm the one left with the bill and no thanks on top of that. No relationship on top of that. A big $300 a month bill and a fuck you to go with it. Thanks.

Then buying the house because our only card now had a large balance we had to open other cards to do things that were priorities to the house and yard. My fucking neighbors and that fence. The backyard improvements happened way before we wanted them too.

Now I have no idea what I've paid and what I haven't. I'm scared because of the large amount on my card they are going to cancel it. I just have no idea how to fix any of this anymore. How can I be so broke when we make more money than we have in the past?  I even stopped keeping a checkbook balance because I just don't want to know.

I feel like I need to cut things off but I really have no idea what. We have tried to keep things to a minimum and it still isn't helping. I just feel like I'm drowning and I haven't felt like this since my separation from Matt.....I'm put no this smile and I'm trying to act like everything is okay but it's not. I'm just tired of dog paddling with no sign of shore ahead.

First Weekend Update

Okay here is our weekend update. Weekend number 1 no alcohol.

Friday night was our club social for the propeller club. Nate and I signed in and headed down the porch to the party. At the end of the porch was the drink table. Beer and wine were the only two options. We both looked at each other and talked ourselves into not doing it. "Do you have soda?" I asked.  Soda and a bottle of water it was. After the social instead of going out we stopped at Publix and headed home to our kids by 9pm.

Saturday we hung around the house and did chores. We also got some home improvement jobs finished. It only seemed natural to pull out the drill and a bottle of beer. We both chatted about it while we were completing the work but didn't do it.

Sunday we did yard work and watched the Jaguar game. Again it only seemed natural to finish the yard and sit in a chair and enjoy 1 beer but we passed. And passed again during the Jaguar game. 

Red Gatorade in a wine glass. Still feels like summer. Lol

We honestly thought about it all weekend. Does that mean we have a problem? No, I think it's just an adjustment and since it's a restriction now it's on our mind. It's like when you go on a diet and say you can't eat chocolate. All you think about is chocolate. We made it and we are committed to this challenge. I'm glad we are both on the same page right now. It makes it so much easier to ignore those 4 Sweetwater IPA's and Pumpkin Ale in our fridge.

Update: I'm going to a painting party tonight at a get this...Winery. Okay, stop laughing. They will be handing out free wine samples every 10 minutes for 3 hours. I told Jenn I would be the DD and she had to drink my samples.

I went inside

After my last post I left my computer and went to an AA meeting. I spoke to my husband on the way there about the things I had been feeling and thinking and told him I just wanted to go inside and see what it was about. I had to introduce myself but I didn't say Alcoholic because I don't think that is the right label. I didn't take a chip because I don't know if that is the right step for me. I enjoyed the meeting and the lady speaking was someone I actually knew and assumed all the wrong things about her. The meeting was about humility and it was a great topic to listen to. I left there feeling like I wasn't an Alcoholic but that I was going to stop drinking for 30 days. Not a single ounce. IF that proves to be a problem then obviously I need to take a step back and rethink things.

Just like with Al Anon AA is an amazing thing. For $2 a meeting you get an awesome counseling session.  I think I will attended a couple more. What harm will it do? None but it could enlighten me greatly.

The best part is after pointing out things to Nate about what I considered our bad choices during the past 9 months I could tell it really hit home with him too and he is on board. He didn't argue with me and told me when I said it all together it sounded pretty bad.  We need to make better choices for our family.  I use to be the girl that had 2 or 3 beers but maintained my dignity and grace...now I'm drunk Sabrina. I want to go back to that girl.

My challenges around..a club social tomorrow night, football games, and various dinners. No cheating.

Thirty days starting Sept 9. Ready Set Go!

Taking a step back

I've always had 1 goal and that is to become a better version of myself year after year. Up until the last year I think I've succeeded. Looking back at the last 9 months of 2014 I think I'm failing. How do I fix that? There's only 1 way I know how to and that is to STOP. Stop the things I'm doing that are being toxic in my life. #1. Drinking. Do I have a problem? No, but drinking regardless if you have a problem or not is at a root of a lot of evil and strain in life. I think that my behavior when I drink is disgusting. I think that up until this last year I was able to say my kids haven't seen me drunk and I can't say that now. I don't care if they can tell or not. I can and it's not okay. Drinking cost money which I'm trying to get a hold of and it puts on weight which I'm trying to maintain. Drinking equates to a midnight stop at McDonald's or a greasy breakfast the next day. Drinking is fun in moderation but when it becomes too much of a focus then it's time to say STOP. I don't know how to drink without going overboard because the beer I'm drinking is too strong for my body. I hate the way I feel physically and emotionally afterwards. Maybe I do have a problem. Drinking is a problem for me. If you wake up regretting something the next day doesn't that make it a problem? Now this is the part that scares me. My husband likes it too.  There is no in between for him either. I told him Sunday morning I was done. I had to take a step back and he was very casual about it. If we question a $40 movie night with our son but not $40 in beer that is a problem. I hope this isn't like 2009 for us. I hope this is a problem we can solve together and be on the same page. I'm not saying we are Alcholic but I'm saying I can see where this is all heading. And I want out.

It's going to be hard because our lives are filled with drinking. Jaguar games. Family gatherings. Dinners with friends. How do I avoid those situations without causing a big Sabrina doesn't want to hang out with us fight again? Do I make a declaration? Or does that make it obvious that I think there is an issue? Or am I avoiding a declaration because I don't want someone to hold me accountable? After all there is a Jaguar game in 2 weeks and of course I want to drink.

Ugh I hate this. I hate that there is a persona of Drunk Sabrina. I hate that I've let my guard and class down. What do I do now? How do I move forward but still live in the same settings. The reason I like this blog is because as I type by the end of a blog I come to some realizations. I've realized by the end of this blog there is a problem. Drinking is a problem for me. I can't believe I just typed that.

Expectations

I lead my 2nd Al Anon meeting today on expectations. I had very high expectations of other people. I expected people to behave a certain way and to carry themselves in a higher manner. I use to say, "Who does that?" all the time. It was my phrase when talking to my husband about people. Over the past several years I've adjusted my expectations of people and the results have been amazing. I think my parents are better parents because I've adjusted my expectations. My sister's are better sister, my friends are better friends, my children, and so on. I used the example of  Ethan's birthday party. I invited my family with 0 expectation for any of them to show up. When I got the email from my older sister that her and her family plus Christina would be attending I was shocked. They were taking time off of work for my son. It really touched my heart. Then when I got the call from my Dad you can say my floor pretty much hit the ground. Not having such high expectations of people really allows me to enjoy who they really are instead of what my will is on them.

My mom also called me on my birthday this year. I don't expect that and I honestly still haven't listened to the message but the fact that she called me is enough for me.

Lowering my expectation has also improved my marriage. I don't know when I became so damn perfect but in my mind I was and I put so much pressure on Nate. He was constantly disappointing me and I would equate that into him not loving me enough. He would lie to me or avoid the truth because of all the expectations I put on him. I made myself up to be perfect and him to be the one who needed improving. The truth of the matter was I was the problem. I was setting him up to fail. I was setting him up and destroying his self worth. I'm still not cured of that but I do believe I'm better. I've said it hundred times he is a better partner to me than I am of him. He allows my flaws and never punishes me for them. He's allowed me the last 10 years to be a work in progress. People are crazy when they think he married up or what would he be without me. Shit, where would I be without him? I have someone to love me unconditionally. He never made me feel like I had to be perfect. He just loved me. As broken and shattered as I was when he met me. Even now when my healing isn't finished he lets me work through it on my owns and doesn't put pressure on me or expectations. When I started to allow him to be himself and lowered my unreasonable expectations our marriage and the unnecessary fights stopped. Even typing this though I know that I could do better when it comes to my husband.

What's funny is that during the meeting I realized I have to work more on isn't my expectations of others but my exceptions of myself. I hold myself up to a very high standard. I must pick up my house before people come over, must have this big party for Lorelei because that is what people expect me to do. I'm expected to do that. It's not my party and it doesn't matter if my daughter wants box mac n cheese and it doesn't matter what it appears to look like on FB. What matters is I'm giving my daughter the day she wants. It's okay for me not to be perfect. I have to release myself of my own expectations.

I ended today with this quote: "I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open."  What a great way to live day to day. It's okay to have boundaries. I've set boundaries with my mother. Not dictated boundaries but boundaries I've set mentally. I've sent my expectations low. I can't expect her to be things shes not and will never be and that's okay. And my heart is wide open. I can accept any type of love she wants to give me and appreciate it without resentment. What an amazing feeling.

Meeting 2.0

I'm leading my 2nd Al Anon meeting this week. I've picked the topic on expectations.

It was inspired by a quote I saw last week. "The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectation low, and my heart open."

I will let you know how it goes!  If you see post about expectations this week it's my inspirations for my meeting on Monday. If you would like to share your thoughts on expectations and how it can ruin or improve your life I would love to hear about it.

Peace with Serenity Follow up?

So, what happened last week and why was my Face Book shut down for 48 hours. I typed up a big long story but the bottom line. There was displeasure, there was hurt, there were words exchanged, there were tears shed on all parts, there was a steak dinner followed by apologies and understanding. It's the reason why I love this family. Before last week I held this family up to an unrealistic standard. They are my save place. The family that most families should try to model in my opinion but the truth is that no family is perfect and we all make mistakes.What I learned last week is that from our disagreements we can become a stronger more united family. And I can tell you that even though the argument was between Diane and I last week it did finish with us coming together. I have a deeper respect for her now and knew that we would hash out any bad vibes that were happening between us this summer. Funny thing is the things that were hurting our feelings was that we both felt like the other had other girls and we felt left out by each other. We love each other. We are very similar and want to hang out with each other. How can we hold that against each other. What I love about her is she can call a spade a spade and if she's wrong she will let me say she's wrong. What I love about her is she can do the same with me.We are the no bullshit ones in this family. I respect that.

At peace with serenity

I did something I never thought I would do and I lead my first Al Anon meeting. I didn't do it because I'm all knowing and healed but to face a fear. I've been sitting in these meetings for over a year and I haven't said a word except for my name when required. When they asked for volunteers to lead a meeting in May I quickly put my name on the calendar and then immediately dreaded it. How was I going to lead and meeting when I wasn't cured? When I had no idea what I was talking about? I sat down one afternoon and looked at different topics and decided to talk about Choosing Not to Fight. I was going to bare my soul to these people for my 15 minutes and tell them who I was and why I was here. I picked a topic that I use now regularly but struggle with daily.

How did it go? I did it. I bared my soul and I told these strangers things that most don't know about me. I  told them about my relationship with my qualifier and how it has affected my daily life. The best thing I haven't gotten from Al Anon is know that I have a choice not to engage in arguments with people. I'm tested everyday with it.

We all know I have a battle going on at work. Daily I get to choose to fight with this person or to make it work. I've chosen to make it work and if I leave in the long run I leave.

Currently I'm battling whether or not I show my sister in law what a bitch I can really be. Up until this morning I was going to. Then I started thinking about my training in Al Anon. What would I accomplish with confronting her? Would I feel better? What would it do to our family? The truth is it doesn't matter. If I can find peace in her faults then a confrontation doesn't matter. There is a slogan in Al Anon ..THINK. is it? Thoughtful. Honest. intelligent. Necessary. Kind.

If it's none of those things then it's not necessary for it to be said. And I have peace in that.

I saw this quote that said, "Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others."  What good would me going into bitch mode or even expressing my unhappiness do?  To hurt someone is to hurt yourself in some way. What would that accomplish?

Sometimes dealing with things by not dealing with things make me feel weak with serenity. I feel like a weakling. Why shouldn't I step up and tell her that she was out of line and needs to get into check. Why shouldn't I put her in her place?  The truth is it's just not a big deal. I have a line with every single person in my life. My line in the sand. It use to be very close. Imagine me in the end zone and my line was at the 5 yard line. In the past 4 years my line is more in the other end zone. I haven't had a full on argument with anybody in years because after some time I just don't feel like it's necessary.  Does that mean that an argument isn't ever happening? No. If it continues I will say something but at this moment I am okay with moving on. And does it have to be an argument? No! That's the best part. In the past 4 years I have had differences with people but I've learned to talk about it whether than arguing about it. I can remain cool, calm, and collective and have a disagreement with someone. I can respectively listen to their difference or problem with me. When a disagreement can end in a hug then both people can leave with respect and dignity. That's the property way to leave a disagreement. I've never once in my life felt good after getting into a full on screaming match with someone and I refuse to allow myself to get there again.

The best part about my sister in law is she's actually very similar to me and we respect that in each other. I respect that she is a bitch. I respect that she likes to take control. Our methods are different but we have had this conversation before. We are the bitches of the family. What's kinda funny is if you ask outside people they think I'm so sweet and nice. But an Alpha knows an Alpha and we both know who the stronger women are in the family and who are the weaker ones. How can I be upset with someone who really is no different than me? Her methods are just different. Which is okay.

So, what's my plan? My plan is to go to the beach tomorrow and wear a smile on my face. My plan is to go to Snooker's tomorrow night and wear a smile on my face. My plan is to Let Go. I've spent 2 weeks thinking about this and I'm ready to move on. And with that serenity I'm in peace. Just typing that out I feel a weight off my shoulder.

4 weeks post op

Pictures taken late day around 4:30pm after binder wearing. 

5:30am freak out

It just hit me what I'm about to do. I'm in tears. I love myself. I love Sabrina 2.0. I don't want anyone to doubt that. The reasons behind this surgery is so hard to explain because I love who I am at this very moment. I just don't like 2 parts of it. Weird huh? I'm laying in bed crying and let the nerves and doubts wash away. I've got this. 

Before with a dress on

Sucking in...donde esta mi boobs?

Not sucking in and hanging forward...

Not sucking in 4 months pregnant

2 more weeks!

I'm at the 2 week mark. Surgery has been paid in full and now I'm just waiting. I'm hoping the next 2 weeks fly by because I can't think about anything else. I'm so scared it's not going to work. I know this is how I felt before gastric bypass and I'm being silly. I'm so focused on my tummy tuck. I'm borderline obsessed with looking at stories on realself.com The good and the bad and the in between. Is there anything I can do now to help? Did I lose enough weight? Blah blah blah. 2 more weeks!

I'm going to stop drinking beer from here until surgery. I don't want anything contributing to bloating and swelling. Beer is so bad for your body anyhow and especially now that I'm drinking IPAs. I need to go back to wine, mix drinks, or ultra light beer. I'm also going to try to eat extra clean between now and then. I want to do everything I can to make sure he can take away as much skin as possible.

Ahhh 2 more weeks.

Boob Preview!

Here is a preview of my new girls. On the second picture try to imagine a flatter stomach. These are 550cc Silicone implants. I will have somewhere between 500-550cc. Not too crazy right?

Around the corner

2 weeks and 2 days until my surgery day. Ahhhh! I'm super excited. Super nervous. Can't wait to have 3 weeks off of work. Should I post before and after pictures here? As PG13 as possible?

I bought my first bra the other day. A zip up sports bra high compression D cup :) Could come at a better time either. I own 2 bras currently. One strapless nude and one strapless black. The black is too big and 100 padding. The nude was chewed up a big by my dog but not enough to stop wearing it. Then 2 days ago he really got to it. It's basically holding on by a thread but I have to wear it! Stop judging me people. I couldn't justify buying a new bra 2 weeks before a boob job. It's kinda itchy though.....

Shopping. I caught myself off from going clothing shopping a few months ago. I didn't want to waste money on shirts and pants if I don't know what size I will be when I've recovered. Financially it's been a good move too. I feel like a crackhead though. There are so many cute clothes that I want right now! 

Like this romper from Victoria Secret and dress from Venus.com



I've also been thinking about bathing suit options. Will I be brave enough to wear a bikini? I'll tell you I'm honestly worried to. Not because I'm not confident enough but because of what other people will think. I don't want my sister in laws to think I think I'm the hot shit.  On the flip side of that I want to be able to wear the clothes that I haven't in so long and not hide myself because of other people. I don't know why I'm worried about them because they've been nothing but supportive through the last 2 years.



What do you think about these 2 bikinis?  Wide enough bands on the bottom to hide my scar and enough coverage on the top to not embarrass the shit out of my son. Thoughts?

I went for my last visit with the surgeon two weeks ago. I was feeling very nervous about the size of the breast and if a tummy tuck would really work. I had this bad feeling that I was going to have monsterous size boobs and still a chubby belly. I felt better after talking to him. I'm still nervous especially but I have hope too. I couldn't have even imagined my body would look like it does now 2 years ago and I'm happy with it. Hopefully I will have the same feeling about my tummy tuck and implants in a few months!

Surgery is scheduled for May 21st at 7:30am. Please keep us in your prayers and toes/fingers crossed for us!

A post about nothing

I don't really have a topic in mind so I thought I would just check in. What's going on that's good. What's going on that's bad. And things in between.

Quiet: I don't know why but lately during my Al Anon meetings the moment of silence has been bugging me. I don't like silence and I start to cry. Why am I so afraid of the quiet? What is it that's making me cry? It's not just a cry it's a pain. Something hurts but I'm not really sure what. So I feel the silence with thoughts. Thoughts to distract me and to get through the 60 seconds. I think I should figure that out! lol

House: Things are moving at a steady speed. We are investing into our home and we couldn't be any happier. It's such a great feeling to be homeowners. And even better we are spending more time at home. More time at home means less time out spending money and more money to put into our house..Good thing!

Nate: I don't know why but I feel myself pulling away from him. Not emotionally because I love that man with all my heart but physically. I give him a check or a quick hug. we don't have sex as often as we should and there is less something there. He said something to me about it the other day and I need to fix it. I don't want it to be like that. It's not that he's a sexually driven gotta have it all the time man but he is an affectionate person. He likes to be hugged and cuddled and I need to put my phone down and make time for him.

Weight: I can get lazy. I weighted 158 the other day! Not good. Not because I'm fat but because its gaining weight. I got fat pound by pound so I need to keep an eye on this. I'm tracking my food right now and watching what I eat more. Less beer would be helpful. I caught myself on the couch the other day with a bag of chips. I've since made Ethan eat all the leftover chips in the house.  I can't forget that I can get fat again.

A bikini: Can I actually wear a bikini again??? I'm so excited to see how things will shape up for me after May 21! What will I look like????

My sister:  Most of you that read this knows that she's moved out of our house. I still have mixed feelings about this. I miss them but I like having our house to ourselves again. It's weird though not having them there. Wherever she is I hope that she is okay. I had an awful dream about her last night and I just pray that she is okay. That the kids are okay. That she knows that I love her. That I would do it all again for her because she is my sister and I believe that is what we should do for each other.

Work: Saturday is my 10 year anniversary. I have mixed emotions especially because of Roger. Have I wasted the last 10 years of my life year? Can it last? Have I boxed myself in? Will I feel appreciated again? I need to be more vocal. I'm not the 23 year old girl that they gave a chance I'm the 33 year old woman who made them a few million every year. Respect that bitches! lol

Ethan: About to lay the boom on my C's and a D. If that kid gives me one more excuse about his teachers I'm going to chop his fishing poles into tiny tiny pieces. I'm waiting on report cards on Tuesday and he's going to have some new homework and studying structure through the end of the year. I've prepaid for his college the boy is going to use the opportunity that I was afforded and go great places with it. Whether he likes it or not! (Or his sister will get it! lol)

BFF: I got to see my best friend today. A best friend is probably too informal. She's my sister. Not a doubt about it. We've been friends for 17 years and regardless of our disagreements we have remained true friends. We can call each outher out on our shit and be there for each other. We both have disfunctional families and parents. I'm so glad I got to see her for 1 hour and I wish she lived so much closer to me!!!

Nate: So proud of him for busting his ass at our house. I think I'm going to move him from a month to month to a 6 month option. I agreed for him to get another dog the other day. Nick backed out but if he changes his mind I think my husband deserves it. Remind me of that months from now!

Parents: I talk to both of them this week about Debra. I didn't want to because last time something with Debra I'm the one that got shoved under the bus. To say I've learned my lesson is an understatement. I tried to keep it very simple and factual and less opionated. I feel like they have the right to know but I'm an adult and it's my home so I don't really need them involved. I tread very lightly when it comes to my parents. I hope that I did a good job.

Adoption: Nate and I have discussed adoption. I don't want to carry any more children but after having Debra's 3 kids for 9 months I feel like we have more room in our home and heart for 1 more child. A boy or girl elementary school age. We are going to let things cool down and discuss it with Ethan sometime at the end of summer. If he is on board we will look into it with the county. From the research I've done it's pretty low cost to adopt a child in duval county. Unfortunately there are so many kids out there without parents.

General life: It's a balance. Good days. Bad days. Mostly good days. My life on FB is pretty much accurate. We are all very happy with some hiccups. It could be worse and it could be better but I'm happy. I'm more good than bad.  I feel very blessed with my family. I'm happy with the honest circle of friends we have. I feel like we've elminated the trouble makers and we are young parents raising families and enjoying life.

The past

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with Tim's little brother. The last time I saw him was 1997 during Conga & a movie a movie I took him to after his brother died. How will tomorrow go? I don't know. I still see his brother on my dreams. I wonder how I will feel tomorrow. 

My rice boobs

1 cup of white rice equals 250cc.

Here's 500 CC in each side. 

Initial House Cost

New house poor- Being broke after purchasing a new house.

We closed on our new house December 31, 2013. It was a goal of mine for the past 10 years and I was so proud of me and my husband. We purchased a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2313 square foot house for $163,000. It was a previous foreclosed home and had some minor issues that needed correcting and missing items that needed purchasing upon closing.

Our first required purchase was new locks. Since this was a HUD home and all HUD homes have the same key we were required to change the locks moments after closing. We considered changing the locks but found it would be cheaper to have the locks re-keyed and 4 keys made. $149 an hour after closing.

The next purchase was a vent and appliances. The dishwasher was broken and the kitchen was missing a stove and vent. We owned a stove but decided to trade that stove for prorated rent for the extra week we stayed in our rental home. It was a 15 year old stove and not in the best condition. Lowes was having a 15% off appliance sale plus an additional 5% off if used our Lowes credit card. We decided to buy a used white fridge from a friend for $300 instead of spend close to $2,000 on a new fridge. On the other appliance we decide to buy new. We felt with the savings compared to use we wouldn't be making a wise long term purchase. My goal for purchasing items for this house is to think long term vs temporary. If I can make a quality long term wisely is my goal without breaking the break.

We purchased a microwave vent, stove/oven, and dishwasher. After saving we spent $1,665.34 for the 3 items.

The house was also missing the ggarage door opener- $162.75.  We use the garage door opener as the primary entrance to our office. Especially for the kids after school.

Garage shelves. Going from a 3 car garage to a 2 car garage was going to be a challenge for us. Anybody who knows our garage knows that we have a messy garage! We were going to have to fit all that stuff into a smaller garage. Our solution was to purchase 4 gorilla shelves and plywood out the attic for storage. The shelves for the garage totaled $300.39 and the attic consisted of 5 sheets of plywood and attic stair totaled $247.00

We added an outside flood light out back. $50 from Home Depot.

Mini blinds. 6 of the windows were missing mini blinds. $159.42.

Linc pees on the carpet. We invested in a carpet cleaner. I'm refusing to let things settle and the carpet in this house to get damaged. $182.

Fire alarms. 5 alarms were missing. $50 (I believe)

Piping under the kitchen sink- $60

And I would guess approx $300 of odds and ends.

I've currently the Foursquare mayor of 2 Lowes in this town. I feel like we go there every weekend or multiple times a week.

And this is how a family becomes new house poor!

So what's next: We have a few items that we need to address from the inspection. Specifically Ethan's shower. Cost to repair approx $150. After that we are saving to pay off some debts. We have some debts that we want to pay off before this summer. We are going to put everything else from the house on hold until these debts are settled. Fixed emergency items only and save save save. After the debts are taken care of focus on the dock this summer. I would like to have it in by end summer. I think that is a more reasonable time frame.

Kitchen hardware...all about the bling

This weekend with the help of a friend my husband finally installed our kitchen hardware. I thought for sure this would be one of those jobs that stayed in the box for months but I was proven wrong. Originally Nate and I thought we would wait to hang the hardware. It's an expensive item that wasn't a necessity however after living in the house for a few eeks we realized that it was necessary. Our cabinets and drawers are very large and close together. Getting them opened without the hardware was been very difficult. You have to wedge your fingers into the tiny spaces and try to hook it open. The cabinets about the microwave was the worse and the silverware drawer. My concern was that we would damage them while trying to open them.

So I started looking at hardware options. I knew from my dear friend Kristi that I wanted silver hardware. See Kristi owns her own kitchen and bath design company (lucky me) and has done beautiful work for clients like the previous owners of the Jaguars and several players. My kitchen was small scale to her but she was kind enough to let me pick her brain! When we originally purchased the home I thought because of our dark sink and faucet I would go with black appliances and hardware. Kristi recommended the opposite. To go with stainless appliances and silver hardware. And boy was she right! I love how it has lighten the kitchen up. All the dark stuff would have been too much.

Kristi send me several ideas that she liked from a magazine and I instantly was drawn to this knob.

I liked the color and finish of this knob along with the shape of the knob. I liked that it was unique but not overly modern. I also found these pulls. In 2 different sizes. A 8" for the upper cabinets and a 6" for the lower cabinets.

This image was loosely my inspiration for the pulls. I liked the way the cherry cabinets looked with the stainless appliances and pulls. So, I was ready to order! 10 knobs, 14 6" pulls, & 8 8" pulls...total of almost $400!!!! eek!  I waited a few days and searched for coupon codes or alternative sites to help reduce the cost. I had no luck. Kristi, text me one day to check on my final choices and I told her I was still searching for a cheaper price. She them told me I could order from her company and pay direct prices..new grand total $188!!! I ordered them!

Once they arrived we both got very nervous. We were going to have to drill into the cabinets to add the pulls and then the knobs required 2 small holes instead of one. The thought of drilling into the cabinets scared the crap out of of. The typical hardware templates did not match our cabinets or hardware. After several YouTube videos my husband figured out that he was going to need to make his own jig as the template. 

Our friend Chris offered to come help. Together they made the jig you can see below and started adding the hardware.  It was love at first install! It took several hours and of course some of the existing holes weren't even but the guys figured it out! I was very impressed by my handy man and his skills. He's done such a great job of getting stuff done around here and I'm very proud of him! 

Our kitchen is almost semi complete for now. We want to add 3 bar stools to add extra seating and then we will be done for now. 

This is what we are on the hunt for in terms of bar stools.

Cover up!

Added blinds to the bedroom. They were $20 off at Lowes this week. $27 x 6 plus free shipping. I love the texture it's going to add to each finished room. 

Marshalls Love

A family of 4?

This morning while getting ready for work Debra mentioned me having another baby and Nate replied, "No, she's having a tummy tuck. We won't have anymore children."  I guess I had forgotten that.  This surgery makes it final. That I wouldn't go through this just to gain weight again and stretch out my stomach. I asked Nate if he was okay with that and he said yes. Then he said I don't know and then he said yes. We both have had the urge to have another child at one point or another. Especially when I see how quickly my daughter is growing up. Or that the car I just paid off today will be Ethan's in 3 years. But then the majority of the time I feel like our family is complete. The 4 of us. We are able to provide a good life for our children and ourselves and why push that.  We were also blessed with 2 healthy children so why risk that? Then sometimes I think about the baby that could have been but wasn't. He or she would be running around with Lorelei right now. The best of buddies. I wonder if Nate wonders about that too. If he's urge to have another child is stronger than he's letting on. And again I start to wonder if I'm being selfish. He can't have another child without me and if my choice is no and his is I don't know then should I wait until he is on the exact same page as me?  Will he resent me for going through with this and not having another child.  I know that I need to sit down with him and talk about it. I don't want to move forward until I know that my husband sees our future as I do.

Went to the doc...now what?

Last week I was finally able to meet with the plastic surgeon and have my consult. I had planned on meeting with 2 different doctors. One recommended by my bariatrics group and that I had watched a seminar from and then one recommended by a girl with big boobs at a bar! The first plastic surgeon Dr. C put me through the runaround and made me come to the appointment, pay $2.00 for parking and then was able to see me. I wasn't impressed. Dr. D. was the next doctor. He came to one of our monthly bariatric meetings and was recommended by our lead, Jodi. After waiting an hour my blood was boiling. I'm so impatient. When it was finally my turn the staff was very friendly and apologetic for my long wait. Dr D. was very nice and asked me questions about my desired size and overall appearance. I explained to him that neither one of us know the exactly what we wanted except for my stomach to be flat and my boobs to be up and womanly. We discussed the difference between silicone and saline. I decided to go with silicone. And then it came to the size. My instructions were womanly, professional, but not porn star professional. We looked at a few images online and then I got undressed.

First the tummy tuck. Easy peasy. I would have a scare similar to my c-section but from hip bone to hip bone. I would pull on the skin down but leave a little soft spot about 5 inches from my belly button. That skin is stretched but can only be fixed with a vertical scar but he said he thought that was too much of a scar for the minor area. Then it was onto the fun part. Boobs.

I don't need a lift with is excellent. That less surgery and less money out of my pocket. The sizing was next. I put on a cross your heart on bra and he gave me the first pair of fake boobs to try on. From the pictures Nate and I flipped through we thought around 350cc would be perfect. So in goes the 350cc and I put my sweater back on. They looked exactly the same as the bra I've been wearing the for past year that's empty (My boobs don't fill it at all!). Boo! Nate and I both say no. He hands me 450cc pair next. I slide those bad boys in and take a look. Errr. better but not it. Nate confirms. He hands me the next pair 550cc and explains to me that I'm 5'9" with a medium frame I can handle a higher CC. I take a step back and look in the mirror. Not exactly Laura Croft but perfect! Nate also gave it 2 thumbs up. The doctor asked if he could use his discretion during surgery to see how my skin fills the 550cc and aim between 500-550cc. Nate and I told him yes. 500-550cc would equate to a small D. He said big enough but not to big to bother me when running or excersising.  Here are some examples. First 2 girls are 5'9"

Now this girl is 5'5" and has 550cc. See the difference? Way to big in my opinion.

The next step was the pricing lady. She came in with her type up proposal and it was much less than Nate and I were thinking. Still an investment but not the price of a new car. I left feeling very excited. I could have it done as early as February! I could be on the road to feeling skinny and better about myself.

Let me just take a moment to say that I know that I'm skinny. I know that I'm no longer fat. I know that I'm a size 8 and shit even fit into a size 4 the other day at Express. But as long as my stomach looks like this I won't feel as good as I could.

Okay back to boobs and tummy. When am I going to do it? I'm thinking May 28th. It works out with Lorelei's schedule and I could take 2 weeks off to recoup. The only problem I'm having is the money. Do I really want to spend $10,000 on myself? Can I justify doing something so selfish? Is it selfish? Would it put us in a financial bind? Am I making the right choice? That is what I'm struggling with now. Am I making the right financial choice for me and my family? I'll let you know what I decide.

No longer feel fat

Today is my first consultation with a plastic surgeron. I'm looking into having a tummy tuck and boob job. Until I get rid of this belly fat I will always feel fat. I'm ready to stop feeling fat.

I will let you know how it goes!

I'm not brave enough to show my before but this is a close before & after I found online. 

List of all list

As you all know we are officially homeowners again! Our first home purchase together and we could be any happy.  You know what that means for me...design time! You know my head and Pinterest is blowing up! The blank walls are screaming at me to get started but I want I to go slowly and do it right.  To help the process I figured I would make a list of all list to help me focus and on track.

Here we go! Enjoy the links to my pinterest board!!!

The Front Yard (0% completed)

• Lights on side of the garage
• Fix stucco issue from inspection
• Repaint House (cost and stucco determined)
• Aerate and seed the yard
• repaint the front door
• DIY door mat
• clear out pushes in bed
• Mulch beds and plant flowers
• Upgrade porch light
• Replace mail box
• Replace sprinkler system throughout yard
• Build Jasmine trellis around trash cans (side yard)

The Backyard (0% Completed)

• Add rain gutters
• level backyard
• clear trees and underbrush
• expand backyard to neighbors fence line
• Install iron fence
• purchase a shed for yard equipment
• expand patio
• fire pit
• new patio chairs and stain table
• build dock including kayak railings

Garage (85% Completed)

• Add shelving
• Build tool bench with peg board
• Create a fishing corner

Living Room (0% Completed)

• Paint a greige color
• Room inspiration
• Corner gallery wall to right of TV like seen here
• Add curtains
• Install Nest thermostat

Dining Room (0% Completed)

• Paint accent wall
• Purchase 2 wing chairs for end of table
• curtain
• Paint room
• DIY art
• Coffer ceiling like seen here
• Upgrade lighting (possibly spray paint chandelier and use in Master bathroom)

Office (0% Completed)

• Curtains
• Wooden accent wall
• Paint desk and add trim
• Add storage to desk
• Paint shelf. White outside pop of color in the inside like this
• Hang wire for hat and props like this or the one from ikea

Laundry room (0% Completed)



• Add cabinets/shelving
• Paint
• Add Art
• Change floors to match kitchen
• Eventually new appliance

Kitchen (15 % Completed)

• New stove/microwave/dishwasher
• Purchase new fridge
• Install deep sink/faucet
• Install hardware
• 2 bar stools
• Add light in pantry
• Install back splash here
• Change flooring (wood or tile)
• Install granite counter tops
• Add bench or here to eat in kitchen nook
• Curtain
• Paint kitchen chairs
• Add art (from a brewery)

Master Bedroom (0% Completed)

• Paint
• Curtains
• Blinds
• Recover old chair
• New lamps
• Art work
• New bedding
•  

Master Bathroom (0% Completed)

 



• Tile
• Tile shower & expand
• Mount TV
• Purchase hardware
• Change faucets
• Upgrade lighting
• Change mirror
• Fill closets with shelving

Hallway (0% Completed)

• Add board and batter wall
• Change lights
• Add artwork

Closet

• Install shelving

Lorelei's Room (0% Completed)

• Paint
• Install closet shelving Like This
• Add a reading nook
• Paint dresser ombre and small table
• New bedding
• Add blinds

Lorelei's  & Ethan's Bathroom (0% Completed)

• Paint cabinets (?)
• Upgrade lighting
• Upgrade faucet
• Change mirror
• Tile bathtub

Guest Room (0% Completed)

• Make headboard
• Purchase Double Mattress
• Paint tall dresser
• Upgrade light
• Paint
• Purchase blinds
• Curtains, art
• Install closet shelving

Ethan's Room (0% Completed)

• Install board and batten wall
• Paint Inspiration
• Purchase blinds
• Upgrade lights or install fan
• Install closet shelving
• Paint dresser and shelfs