Brrr

It was below 40 this morning & freezing! I didn't run because it was too cold. I don't have clothes to run in that kind of weather. This cold front took me by surprise. What do you do during cold weather & exercise?

I had to pull out my winter jacket that was too small last year & now too big this year. I can wrap it around my waist. You would think I would love shopping but I hate spending money. I'm sure y'all are over hearing that but buying a new wardrobe sucks. It's not just a few items. It's new underwear, bras, socks, pants, jeans, t-shirts, pjs, jackets, my fancy dresses for cruises, my go to cocktail wedding attire. It's freaking expensive!!!! I call this formally fat girl problems & it's a good problem to have but still a problem.

Good morning Monday

Holy moly was it cold this morning. So cold that I wished today was a running day instead of a walking day.   I guess it's time to invest in some winter running gear.

I'm going to use this post as a quick update.

Business trip rating: Not so bad

Some people were louder than others. Some asked questions. Some didn't recognize me. Some asked other people about what I had been doing instead of asking me.  Food wise because we eat at fancier restaurants it was easy to eat healthy.  I had fish most nights.  I did get a lot of "You aren't hungry?  What's the matter you didn't like it?" I would just tell them that I ate a late lunch or ate to much xyz.  It seems to work.

Here's a pick of me I took for my hubby for the Great American dinner Wednesday night.

When I got back from our business trip Nate & I had  a date to see the Zac Brown Band in concert.  I had a slice of thin crust veg pizza before we left the house and then 2 mixed fruit drinks during the concert.  We had a great time and I loved being out with my husband. I had really missed him and we glad to be in his arms again.  He said that my hands felt little now. Like he could break my hands. I guess I had man hands before! lol  Here's a picture of us before the concert started.

The next morning Chrissy and I go up and ran the bridges downtown.  This time we ran over the Acosta and then back down to the landing. We did a lot of running but it felt easier maybe because of the cool weather.  The run up the main street was brutal and I'm not sure if I will try that part again for awhile. It toasted my legs for a bit.  Probably not a good idea before a 5K since your suppose to take it easy before race day.

Late that day Chrissy and I went shopping for our family pictures this week.  I fit into a size 14 dress which is great. I bought a new bra for only $25 compared to $50.  I finally found the right shirt at Dillards. Thankfully it was on sale and once I put it on I loved it. I'm going to wear it with dark jeans rolled up and my flat black sandals. I also got some cute jewelry to wear with it.  This is the shirt. I love the color.  Family pictures on Thursday!

After that we had a Halloween party with the neighborhood crew.  Nate & I were dressing up as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler. As I was getting dress I started to regret our costume choices because i knew all the other ladies would look pretty but I'm glad I dressed the way I did. Going for a pretty costume or sexy costume would be too easy. It was outside of my comfort zone to make myself look dorky.  It was fun and we had a good time. I guess neither one of us were up for partying though because after a couple hours we collected the children and all crawled into bed.

Finally Sunday.  Are you exhausted yet?  Sunday was the morning of the Pumpkin Run 5K.  Bat girl suited up. My family looked great. We were good to go.  However my running partner was not answering her cellphone.  We she finally woke up she was um not hungover but still intoxicated from the SE street bash the night before.  I knew getting her to run might be hard. I was glad that she was determined to just come out there.  We ran the first 9 minutes straight and I felt like I could keep going forever. My legs just kept going and going.  The 2nd portion was harder than the first. Chrissy wanted to try running hard for a minute and then walk for a minute and I hated it. The first few minutes always suck. I think I do better on distance running.  We finished the race at 44 minutes.  Not the best but it gives us a starting point. We immediately picked the next 5K on Nov 11 for the Vet Day Run.  I'm having my doubts about my ability to run the Gate River Run and just want to keep pushing myself. My goal is to increase our time each race and just improve little by little. I remind myself that this running thing is new to me. I've only been running for almost 3 months and have lots of room to improve and grow.
This was the superhero team for the Pumpkin Run 5K.

So, what's next?  Work and prepping for the holidays. I have a session every weekend until the middle of December. I need to start planning for Christmas gifts and dinners. The next 2 months are going to fly by.

Homesick

I miss my family. I miss my husband. I wanna hug my son. I want to pick up my baby girl. It just hit me & I want to go home. Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.

First

This morning was the first time I ever ran on a treadmill.  Even though I owned one for years I never ran on it and it made a great towel rack.

This morning was the first time I had the courage to run in front of workout guys.  Thankfully I arrived to the gym before everyone else but with 20 minutes left in comes 3 guys to work on their muscles.  I didn't slink off like a shy girl. I kept jamming to my Miley Cryus song and did me.

This morning was the first time I saw myself run.  I imagined in my head I looked something like Pumba from the Lion King running.  This morning I had to face myself in a mirror and I didn't look like Pumba at all.  I actually looked like a runner.  Like the people I passed on the street yesterday and thought man they make it look so easy.

Today was also the first time I've worked out by myself.  JB ditched me already and I didn't get up with my alarm at 5am but by 5:30am I was dressed and out the door. I knew I just had to get onto the machine and I would stick it out.

A morning of first.

Business trip update.

This morning JB agreed to run with me. We drove down a couple blocks & ran along the beach. The first 1.5 we ran into the wind which was difficult but not impossible. The beach & shore was the perfect south FL picture. We finished just as the sun was rising.

We then went to breakfast after enjoying the sunrise & I had my normal scrambled egg breakfast. Oh, I drank my shake today before running. Big mistake. On my 3rd 8 minute running I could feel it in my stomach. I'll stick to drinking it after from now on. Today is our chill day. We saw about 7 clients yesterday & the crazy week starts at 6pm to tonight so we like to take Tuesday easy.

First food: We laid by the beach from 11-1pm & I brought water & almonds with me in case I needed a snack. We then met a few company reps for lunch & I ordered a chicken quesadilla from the appetizer menu. I hate 1 3/4 of the 4 squares but thankfully the men said nothing. During the reception I didn't eat or drink alcohol. Dinner was another company rep & this time I ordered Salmon. It was huge! So I hade maybe half. Probably not. A couple bites of spinach & 2 calamari. I also had half a glass of wine someone did ask why I didn't eat so much & also the guy next to me asked if I liked it & when I told him yes he gave me a funny look. I'm glad I didn't pay for the $40 plate bc I left about $25 of it behind. Lol. No dessert for me. I do love their desserts. Normally I would have been all over the creme brûlée. Overall I think I did good.

Question wise I got a few. The room was so loud it was hard to speak. Tomorrows seminar will be much more quieter & I'm expecting more questions. I did get a bunch of holy cow you look greats. I just said thank you. Some men & women kept saying it over & over making a big deal about it but I just laughed & said thank you. For the questions I just deflected. I didn't want to talk about it. & these people gossip. A few asked of I had been working out so I told them about my running & some asked if I watched what I ate & I told them yes. I wonder if people wonder. It has been a year. Maybe not. One lady that knew told me I seemed nervous & I guess I was in way. I didn't know what to expect. Funny thing is this lady is my FB friend calls me at work & tells me how great I look but didn't recognize me by the pool. Lol

Vitamins: got them! Thanks babe!

I'm working out on the treadmill tomorrow bc I don't want to run alone outside in the dark. I went & located the gym so I know exactly where I'm going tomorrow morning. I know the FB pics made it look like an easy day but these business trips are exhausting. It's 10:45pm & I've had 15 mins to myself for the first time since 6:30am. I'm tired of smiling! Good night.

Business Trips & RNY

This is my first business trip since my surgery. I have about 30% of the control of what we eat & when. This is going to be a challenge for me. I started off bad by forgetting my vitamins. Nate is going to FedEx them to my hotel. Our out of town routine starts with Starbucks & chick fil-a. Today while JB was at Starbucks I ran across the street for 2 scrambled eggs. we just stopped at 7-11 & for the first time ever I didn't get a Slurpee or Taqeto. Water, almonds, & beef jerky for me. Some snacks to get me through the in between.

I did get up & run this morning. I plan to run everyday this week. I will keep you all updated. It's going to be a long week of food challenges & questions.

So immature

I drove past Lane Bryant today & I flicked it off! With both hands! I'm on the way to buy new underroos & I can finally buy the cheaper ones in the bag & not pay $5.25 a pair from LB! Remember the ones Santa use to bring us? For the record my husband is trying to get me to upgrade my cheap bag pair but just like them I'm too cheap.

Speaking of underroos I went to Vas yesterday and got measured. I was a 42 D & now I'm a 38 C. Did I buy a $50 bra??? Hell no! But now I know what size I am to find a cheaper version some place else!

This girls gone country

My Zac Brown Band outfit

Skinny jeans (omg) size 14
Shirt large
And I bought killer riding boots!

Shopping. Barf!!!

I'm sorry in advance for you not so into this people but I put way to much thought into this kind of stuff and then second and third guess myself through the process.

I need to go shopping!  For real this time.  I have 2 big events coming up.  First is the Zac Brown Band concert next Friday.  I really want to wear a pair of tall knee boots.  It's my reward for getting below 200 and will also take wearing knee high boots off my goal list.  I could wear something like this.

 

I have the brick color dress I got from Target while we were in St. Augustine. I could buy a pair of black cowboy boots and borrow someones jean jacket.    Like this outfit:

I can't decide between cowboy boots which I won't get as much wear out of or I really want a pair of riding boots. I can wear those with leggings (also on my goal list) or skinny jeans.  (Can't believe I can look good in skinny jeans.)

Something like this:  

I just love that.  Or something like this one these girls without so many layers. It's just not cool enough yet in Jax. 

I have 2 days to find the perfect outfit for the concert because I will be out of town the rest of next week and returning a few hours before the concert..  I despise shopping in store. I hate trying stuff on and I've been dreading this part of it. 

The 2nd even is our annual family pictures!  It's been a year since this picture was taken by the wonderful J. Halstead Photography

Look at my face and my husband.  I didn't see it before. I didnt' look at this picture and thing gosh we look fat.  If I had to guess my weight it was somewhere between 270-280.  In a 22 jean and a 22/24 sweater.

This year we are doing something a little different. My BL BFF owner of Caroline Momberg Photography thought of the idea of having a family session at the Jacksonville Fair.  I'm all about going outside of my homemade box so I jumped on the offer.  It's a change of outfits and scenery and nothing we had every done before. She's amazing with children and will be able to get wonderful smiles from my sassy girl.

Check out this family's session done at a local carnival below.  This is the general idea. Don't you just love it?



http://www.shannonkaedingphotography.com/blog/2012/08/30/washington-county-fair-family-session-family-photographer-st-george-ut/#



My color pallet inspiration for this family session was this photograph right here. I love the use of soft subtle colors and how fun and fresh it feels.  (I don't remember the source of this photography but I did not take it.)

So off to Old Navy and the Gap I went searching for the 2 littles first. (.com of course because I don't go to stores on the weekdays)  I found this shirt in the top left for Ethan.  It has the perfect mix of colors to help be the "pull from" source of our outfits. (Like Lorelei's tights were for us last year.) 

Okay, so back to Ethan. That great shirt, with a lighter seafoam blue/green t-shirt under it.  The button shirt will be either partial unbutton or not buttoned at all. He will wear khaki shorts and his boat shoes.    Miss. Lorelei will be wear the pink skirt shown below over the aqua tights. I'm on the hunt for a white shirt with some hints of silver in it so she can match it with her silver Mary Jane's.  She will probably wear one of her chunky beaded necklaces just to add another layer. I LOVE the jacket the little girl is wearing above but she would probably hate it and fight me on it.  My stud muffin will be wearing his yellow Banana Republic button up shirt with lighter jeans and his flip flops.  No cardigan sweater for my man.

Sounds good so far, right?  Now what about me???  I can really wear any color combination pulled from Ethan's shirt which is great. I'm not limited to finding one color.  Unlike the mom above I won't be in high heels. I'm a tad bit (2 inches he says 1) taller than my husband and I like to wear flats most of the time. Also with my kids being shorter it would just make me not proportion well for the photographs. 

I think I might wear a dress. :-\  With a cardigan sweater.  For example. I could wear this dress from Dillards.  Find a coordinating color. Maybe a blue to go with it.

I also like this dress. I don't care for the price.  $150? I don't think so Ms. Simpson! But I do like the color and how the ruffles go with Lorelei's skirt.

Or I could wear pants.  Like these colored jeans from Old Navy with a tank and a coral color cardigan.

I have 2 weeks to figure it out. I have no choice but to put myself out there in stores, grab stuff off the rack, and try stuff on.  I need to take the time to do it without anybody rushing me.  Do most women hate shopping for clothes?  I didn't use to and I love when my sister comes in town and we shop for her.  I think it's the size thing and that feeling that nothing fit rights and nothing looks good.  When we are shopping for her I don't have to worry about that part of it.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Say happy shopping prayers.  Pray for good hefty sales.  Did you make it through this blog post Char? Or did I lose you?

I miss you

Nate & Linda at our wedding 03.08

I've never really lost anyone before. I've been very fortunate to be from a pretty healthy family.  My parents even with their unhealthy habits are pretty blessed.  My husband on the hand has not been that lucky.  He lost his father within the first 6 months of us dating.  I didn't really know Howard. I met him the first time on Father's Day and he passed away a few days after Thanksgiving.  What I did know was that he was loved and respected by his children.  And that he accepted Ethan as his almost immediately upon meeting him.

He left behind the love of his life, Linda.  Nate's mother and Ethan's Gran Gran.  The death of Linda was probably the most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to be a part of. She was a fiery woman with such pride and grace.  A true spit fire well mannered southern woman.  She went into the hospital for a routine medical procedure and spent next 4 months in the hospital before she passed away on November 8, 2009.  I can't believe it's been almost 3 years. It feel likes yesterday when my husband, Marie, & I were spending almost every lunch break at the hospital with her.  Sometimes talking to her. Sometimes just sitting there.  Her struggle was so up and down. I remember trying to figure out if I should travel to the Panhandle at one point and when I came to the hospital she was sitting up.  Just gotten a new haircut. Was talking about joining the weekly Wii activities.  I felt like it was okay to travel for the week.  Things were finally turning around.  When I came back from the trip things were different. She was back on the machines and back in bed.  She missed her Granddaughters wedding.  She spent the evening in the hospital while the rest of us went and watched Dena get married.  She was miserable. She hated being stuck in that bed. No windows. No freedom.  It's not the kind of woman she was. Her nails looked bad. She hated the way her skinned looked. 

During all of this my marriage was falling apart.  My husband was dealing with the thought of losing his mother. He was angry. He was scared. He was grieving. He was trying to be hopeful. I was trying to stay in control. To plan. To Organize. The only things I know how to do. Among the other things going on this put a huge weight on our marriage and our relationship with one another. The struggle of possibly losing his mother and our struggle of not being able to conceive along with the other was too much for us.

Eventually Linda made her choice. She was tired. She wanted more than the life she was going to have.  She wanted to go home. To our home. She wanted to pass away the way she had lived her life. With dignity.  That caused the biggest rift in our family.  Nathan and I understood what his Mom wanted and we supported her.  Understandably some of his brothers and sisters did not.  They wanted their Momma to live.  They wanted to be able to go to the hospital and visited her.  I'm not sure that even on the day she was transported to our home that some of them were at peace with her choice. 

This is where things changed for me. After being in the 10x10 hospital room with a room of children watching them hear from their Momma's doctor and herself that she was done.  Watching their hearts break as they realized the end was coming. I got in my car and I called my mother for the first time 7 months. I needed my mother. I called her and I cried on her voicemail.  I told her Linda was dying and I needed her.  That Ethan was about to lose his Grandmother and I didn't know if I could handle it.  I never received a return phone call. 

The day she came home I remember how happy she was.  We had decorated our guest room with her curtains, her pictures, her artwork. The grand kids drew pictures and we hung them on the wall.  "We Love you Gran Gran"  She was wheeled into the sunlight for the first time in 4 months and as she came into my foyer she said, "oh, it's so beautiful."  My cobwebbed ceilings were beauty to her compared to the hospitals she had been stuck in.  A frosty!  She wanted a frosty that night and the Hospice nurse said she could have whatever she wanted.  I've never seen anyone eat a spoonful of a Wendy's frosty with such pleasure.  The entire family was there.  We all lived in our home for 3 days. Air mattresses filled the living room.  Kim brought us dinner and did what a true friend would do and tried to bring some laughter into our hearts.  A typical and appreciated Kim move.  The days she was home were again an up and down journey.  The doctors had told us 24 hours.  We were on our 3rd day. We took turns sitting in the room with her.  The wonderful Hospice nurse was there almost the entire time.  Sunday morning of November 8th all the grandchildren were out of the house. The men except for Nate went to a Jaguar football game. It was my turn to sit with Linda. I was holding her hand and she opened her eyes for the first time in hours. I called for Nate and Marie. They came in and each held her hands. She looked at them like she was taking it all in for one last time. Diane & Amy told her it was okay. Her family would be okay and she slowly passed away. 

It was the most beautiful and heart wrenching moment of my life.  The day Heaven got a little more beautiful. 

During this time we had struggled with conceiving a baby.  We had given up during this point and 6 weeks after Linda's death after quiting the fertility medicine months before we found out we were pregnant.  A few short months later we found out we were having a little girl.  A fiery little southern girl she would be just like her Gran Gran. Given the same initials after her Gran Gran. I struggle with the fact that Lorelei just like her father never will know her Gran Gran.  But I also know that the choice Linda had to make would have been 100x's harder if she knew that her baby was about to have a baby.  And a girl. Oh Lordy would she be over the moon to have a little girl.  She would be broke by now spoiling this child.  I know there was a reason for the way things happened but it still makes me sad sometimes. It amazes me at times when I'm in my car and I hear a song that I will start crying. That all those emotions from those 4-5 months come back.

I think losing Linda is what changed the way that I held onto things. In the hospital one time Linda asked me about my mom and I told her I hadn't spoken to her.  She told me to forgive her. Even though my phone call went unreturned I forgave my mother. I forgive her now. Life is too short to add people to your "I'm not talking to them list"  There is no winning in a war like that. Love your loved ones. Forgive them.  Enjoy the moments you are given and move on from the moments that hurt you.  I use to make such a big deal over things. We have some stuff going on now and I'm more likely the one to say, "uh whatever. Don't make a big deal over it. Let's just move on."  With my husband I think it's been the opposite. In some ways it's harden his heart and that man can hold a grudge better than anyone right now.  I hate to see him like that because it's not in his true nature to be grudgeful.  A Brigance is typically a laid back person.  Just like their father. Where I use to think it was a weakness I know find it admirable. It brought a lifetime of peace to their family that most don't get to enjoy.

A new ring

My wedding ring is officially too big for me. I actually stopped wearing it a week ago.  I hated it. I felt like it was disrespectful to my husband to be going around town without my wedding ring on.  I was dying for a new one.  Not a new one. A temporary one.  I don't want to resize my current solitaire and band yet because I'm worried about it messing up the ring in the long run. I want to wait until I get my final size before I mess with it. 

My husband was very sweet. He didn't want me to order a ring. He wanted to buy it.  I'm sure it was a man thing but I appreciated it. I didn't want to spend a lot of money because I'm cheap.  Y'all knew that was coming right?  It just doesn't make sense to spends hundreds or thousands of dollars on a temporary ring.  Or to go crazy and get some bigger one when I love my ring. So $50 was my budget! Yes, a $50 wedding band. That's all I needed. Timeline was before this coming Monday. I leave for Fort Lauderdale on Monday and I don't want to be caught down there without my wedding ring on.  Can you imagine the gossip?  Trouble at home?  Sabrina's got a her groove back?  Yep, wanted to avoid all of that.  The good thing is my ring size is standard now. I went from a size 9 to a 7 and they carry that size in stores.  Yippee!

My husband took off searching after work yesterday while I went home to take care of the kids.  He stopped at 5+ jewelers searching for the perfect temporary ring.  I would receive picture text from him and he sent me some beautiful rings.  I almost fell for it.  I almost said, 'GET IT! That one with all the sparkle!!!" But I showed restraint.  Nope, obviously not within our $50 budget. 

Finally, he found it. A basic temporary wedding ring.  Something that can be placed on my finger and hold my other's ring place until I can put my ring back on.  A ring that will remind me that I have a commitment to the man that I love. To remind me of our vows and promises to one another.  A symbol of those commitments and respect that I have for my husband and our marriage.  And a big red flag for my husband's peace of mind that says, "Step off this girl is married!"


It's simple 4.00mm wedding band.  The best part it was only .28 over budget! Which included a resizing warranty!  So, he came home with my new ring got down on one new in front of Ethan & Lorelei and asked me to stay married to him. I told him I would have to let him know. lol

One-der Land!

It's official with the Monday morning weigh in. I'm under 200 pounds for the first time in 12 years!  I remember 200 vividly. We went to the OB/GYN for a checkup while I was pregnant with Ethan. I stepped onto the scale and it went passed 200 and my ex-husband and I just looked at each other.  I never was able to reach below 200 again.  I was 20 years old.  I'm now 32 and today's official weight is 199!!!!

Goodbye to the 83.22 pounds I've lost since August 2011!  We are never ever getting back together.  (Did I just quote Taylor Swift?  Gag me! PLEASE!)

In the 19 weeks since surgery I've lost 67.6 pounds.  I don't know the average. I actually think they stray from averages because every one's weight loss is so different.  I'm very happy with where I'm at. Sometimes in my head I picture myself to be smaller during these points but that's just because I've got a good imagination.  I'm feeling pretty good.  While brushing my hair today I noticed what seemed to me lots of hair coming out.  My protein is up and I take my vitamins (during the week. I need to take it on the weekends too) so I should haven't much to worry about there. My energy is up. I feel good. I can wrestle and play with my husband more. The clothing thing kinda bums me out. I pulled out a trash bag full of clothes last night that are too big. I hate spending money or wasting money so I dread buying new clothes. I know I have to. I tried to look in the thrift store a couple times but my time was limited and I didn't put the time into it that is required.  I don't want to spend a fortune on temporary clothes.

I wonder what size I will end up being?  Right now depending on the brand an XL is too big and a Large is perfect.  The size 16 jeans I bought from Old Navy are now a tad too big but the 14 BR pants I bought won't button.  I still have 30-40 pounds left until I reach my goal of 160-170 and I hope that weight comes from my belly.  When I first started this I thought the smallest size I would be was a 14 but now I think it's possible it might be smaller.  One things I didn't expect to get so itty bitty are my girls.  I bought 5 new bras this past spring in large C and small D sizes and they are all too big. Not just around but cup size big time!  I could fit a whole panera bagel in one of my cups.  I think I might splurge and buy myself a Victoria Secret pushup bra.  I've been to big to shop there in the past and I love that I'm not limited to just one store.   I could actually buy a cute small bra that my daughter's head won't fit into. Ugh, I just looked up the cost and I don't want to spend $50 on a stupid bra. lol Why do I have to be so cheap?

One-der Land feels great.  I can't believe I'm here. I can't wait to get away from the 200 border line.  I wonder sometimes how much running is helping me and where I would be without it.  The ladies I know personally with RNY do not exercise regularly and look fantastic and sometimes it passes through my mind that I could do that too.  The difference is I promised myself that I wanted to be active not just skinny.  I want to ice skate, rock climb, rope course, canoe, everything and anything I want to do with my children and my husband.  In order to live that life I need to be in shape.  Not psycho fitness queen but I need to build my body up.

Speaking of husband's can I just tell you how amazing he's doing!?!  When I'm curled up in bed I can hear him out there working on the elliptical.  He thinks twice before he puts anything into his mouth and he's making great choices. I can't wait until he reaches his first goal he's set for himself and gets to reward himself. I'm looking forward to seeing what we will both look like in Vegas in January.  I asked him the other day which Bre he prefers Bre 1.0 or Bre 2.0.  You know that man wouldn't say 2.0. I know he does. I know he likes seeing me happy. That he liked chasing me yesterday and he told me he like being able to wrap his arms around me now. swoon. I just love this man.  I get so nervous sometimes and I feel like this world is going to be pulled out from underneath me. 2 beautiful children. An amazing husband.  A partner in life that loves me for me. The good and the bad.  A wonderful family and life here that I wouldn't change. Can it be real?  Or will someone take it away from me?  Will I mess it up? Will I wake up and realize it's all a dream?  I remind myself to stop. Don't over think. Enjoy this life you have built. 

Today I celebrate in silence that I've hit a big goal for myself.  I've thought about it posting it online. It's funny I don't care if people know what I weigh anymore. I'm proud to shout from the top of the Facebook feed I weight 199 pounds! But I don't want to upset the people that are still struggling with their own weight on FB. I don't want to sounds like I'm bragging or showing off.  But I am proud of myself and I'm celebrating the hard work I've put in the last 19 weeks.  Way to go Bre!!!!

My husband

He's making this goal for me even harder but I'm very proud of him. He weighed 195.6 this morning!!! He even got on the elliptical at 10pm last night. He's only missed 1 day on that thing so far.

The not so little things

After my softball games I took Lorelei & Ethan to the park to play for a few moments. They took off & I stood down below trying to yell instructions at my crazy brave girl. Before I knew it I was up on the juggle gym running, climbing, & sliding down the slide with my littles. My husband stopped me as I was climbing up this bar & said, "you would have never down this before." That's the moment when I realized I was doing what I had wanted to do. One of my reason for having this surgery. I was participating in my children's life instead of standing down below. From that moment on Nate & I played with our children & I hid my tears. I'm doing it. I'm achieving the life I wanted. Regardless of the numbers I'm living the life I always wanted. This one moment made my surgery & 4:45am morning runs worth it.

Speaking of numbers check this out! Please ignore my toes. They were having an ugly moment. Under 200 pounds!!! For the first time since I was 20 years old!!!

Current BMI and a zucchini lover???

Holy hell we ran for 8 minutes straight today!  And I didn't pass out.  We did the full 3.2 miles running 8 minutes and walking 5 minutes.  I think it took us just under 40 minutes.  After yesterday's inhaler I didn't think I was going to be able to do it but I did.  Whoop Whoop!!! 

I had a bad reaction to my lunch yesterday. I ordered a fat free turkey no carb wrap with honey mustard from Jersey Mike's. I think I ate it too fast because before I could finish half of it I felt sick.  I took off half of the wrap and it was the first time I ate something so wrap/bread soft so it could have been a reaction to that but I really think it was because I ate too fast. Lesson learned.   

BMI update.  In August of 2011 my BMI was 41.7 and my current BMI is 29.7.  I've gone from obesity to overweight!  Small victories people!

I'm working on some new recipes for next week.  What do you think? I've enjoyed cooking since I've had surgery. It fun to cook stuff other than hamburger helper all the time. The other night I cooked in my Batgirl cape.  Momma the superhero! Ethan got a kick out of it.  If you have any healthy family recipes you would like to share pass them my way!  Check out these recipes I found with my new favorite ingredient zucchini and squash.  My sister in law is so proud of me for this new zucchini obsession.

Zucchini Chips.  http://www.tablefortwoblog.com/2012/08/06/zucchini-chips/

Pre surgery I didn't eat zucchini UNLESS it came from a Japanese restaurant and wad dipped in shrimp sauce.  These days I eat them all the time. I like to use them as a filler instead of rice and add them to browned turkey and black beans. I put them in my egg muffins.  They really aren't that bad. At our seafood boil Paulette brought some zucchini chips over and they were very good.  I tried to make them a few weeks ago and I didn't dry them out enough. I'm going to retry with this recipe.  These will make a great snack.



I'm going to check out the farmers market and see if I can find a deal on zucchini because I have another recipe I wanted to try.  Check this out.
   
Fun right?  It's called Pizzucchini.  http://dashingdish.com/recipe/pizzucchini/
 Healthy and fun for the kids.  Ignore my grocery list but I need turkey, 4 large zucchini, grated parmesan, and mozzarella.

What about this?  Spaghetti Squash & Meatballs?  http://www.alaskafromscratch.com/2012/09/17/spaghetti-squash-meatballs/

No carb spaghetti.  Costco has some chicken meatballs that we are dying to try.  Where the heck do you find squash this big? Hopefully the farmers market.  When are squash and zucchini in season? I want to eat the vegetables that are in season and on sale to help save money.



and one more zucchini recipe!  Gosh I hope they are in season!  Zucchini Lasagna!


http://www.skinnytaste.com/2009/02/zucchini-lasagna.html
My sister was making lasagna for her husband's birthday and she had my craving lasagna but typical lasagna is loaded with no so healthy goodies.  I need one of these slicers. http://www.amazon.com/OXO-Grips-V-Blade-Mandoline-Slicer/dp/B001THGPDO?ie=UTF8&tag=ginsweiwatrec-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969 


I think these look like wonderful hearty fall recipes. I hope the weather keeps cooling down around here. I'm dying to eat some warmer meals and buy a pair of boots and leggings with sweaters! 

Happy Tuesday

Another weekend has zoomed by and I was exhausted by it.  Thanks to the rain I didn't have to face the softball issue. Our game was cancelled and I felt like I could breath again.  Up until I received the text that it had been cancelled I felt anxiety like I never have before.  Isn't that weird?  It's something that I could have done in my sleep before. I was about to write I don't know why but the truth is I do.  I don't like the attention.  I don't like standing at home plate and knowing all those people are looking at me. I don't like the feeling of everyone looking at me when I'm at first and the ball is being thrown in my direction.  I've worked so hard to blend in the last 10 years I'm scared and embarrassed to put myself out there.  I have a double header on Friday and then 2 weeks off. I'm going to suck it up and go to the game. So what if it's 2 hours of me making an ass out of myself. I need to put myself out there. I need to overcome this feeling of hiding.

I also decided to do a photo session with just me.  It's scheduled for 5 weeks from now.  The theme is "Strength & Freedom".  I've been in contacted with an amazing photographer who will do an awesome job helping me figure out how I want to demonstrate the theme.  I want to be able to look at these pictures when I feel like I can't go any further. When I feel like I can't run another step or wake up another morning and see the strength in my eyes.  The free part come from this feeling of me being in a box. I've worked so hard not to stick out that I want to be free! I want to play in puddles, dance in the rain, twirl in circles and be free.  In my last family sessions I've always had someone to hide behind. My husband or my children.  This time it will be just me.  I've already thought about backing out but I'm going to force myself to do it.  I need to do this to get outside of my head. To see me the me that I am now and the me I want to be.  Nov 16th is the date so stay tuned!

Whizzy returned today during running. I had to use my inhaler for the first time and wasn't able to get my breathing under control during our 3 minute walk time. I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm digressing instead of progression but again I'm just going to push through.

I'm 2 weeks away from my annual Fort Lauderdale business trip.  Last year I hid in my room most of the time because I felt fat and I wanted to be invisible.  I almost passed out at the cocktail reception because I was overweight and overheated.  This year I'm hoping will be much better.  My boss asked me how I'm going to handle the questions and silly me asked, "What question?" The "wow what have you been doing?" question.  I hadn't thougth about that. I've seen these same 100 people for the past 9 years and they've never seen me weigh this little.  Sometimes I think people won't notice.  I'ts 64 pounds Bre not 10! Of course people will notice and of course people will want to know how I did it.  What do I say?  I've googled this online and most articles say it's no body's business and to say hard work.  Which would be 100% true. This is not easy. Nothing about it has been easy but I don't want to mislead people either. I don't want to say diet and exercise and you can do it too!! That would be a lie. At least for me it would be. I wouldn't have been able to do this without surgery.  I had weight loss surgery.  I'm not ashamed of it at all but I'm also not sure if I want to have the same conversation 100 times.  I'll let you know how I handle it. I'm just going to wing it or avoid the actual subject as much as possible.

Weight loss goals. I weighed in yesterday morning at 202.4  3 pounds away from my under 200 weight loss goal.  Nate's current weight is the 199! Obnoxious! Only slightly because I am very proud of him. He is still keeping track of his food and using the elepitical every night.  He's going to make it harder on me than I thought!

Feeling normal

It's amazing how a small cup of popcorn can make you feel normal. It's not the large bucket with a side of cheese like I was use to but it is something. It feels big to me & it makes me feel like I'm really watching a movie.

I can't do this

I don't know what has happened to me the last few days but it's like Sybil in my head.  I've almost all but convinced myself to quit softball. I just don't know if I can do it or if I'm up for doing it. The late games sound exhausting to me. The hour drive to and from the field. Tonight's game is at 10pm and I won't get home until after midnight. Seriously, I go to bed around 9:30pm :(  It's every Friday for the next 2 months. I look so forward to Friday evenings and now they are taken.  Nate keeps telling me not to quit. That he won't allow me. I just don't know if I want to do it or if I can do it.  I'm sure psychologically it's mostly because I'm scared I'm not good enough and if that is my legitimate reason I must push on. I must set a good example for my son and Nate.

And now with running every morning this week I have dreaded it. I've prayed for Chrissy to sleep in or rain.  None of which ever happens.  During the run inside my head is awful. I can't do this. This hurts. I can't make it. Let's just stop. It wasn't like this last week or the weeks before that. I want to adjust the timer and knock a couple minutes off of it. I want to stop running and just walk the rest of the way.

I don't know what is happening. I don't know what switch went off. As I was pushing myself this morning I kept reminding myself that I'm less than a handful away from under 200 for the first time in 12 years. PUSH Sabrina!  But it's still mostly negative stuff.  How do I change the crazy negativity inside my head?

Help me! Has this ever happen to you?  How have you fixed it?  How do you stop the negativity monster?  I don't want to quit. I know that I will feel like shit if I quit. I hate feeling like this.  I've been so down the last couple days when I have so much to be happy about. :-\

Nate update: He got up and worked out this morning and used his calorie counter yesterday.  Way to go hot stuff. I'm very proud of you.

Proud Wife

My husband kept track of his food journal yesterday and got up this morning and did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. I proud of you baby.  Keep up the good work.

This morning Chrissy & I went running and the little bitch (that's my name for the Iphone app we use) tricked us. I thought it was going to be 5 minutes run 3 min walk. WRONG. I was running (use your Forest Gump accent) and my legs started to burn.  I looked down at the app and I was 6 minutes in.  6 minutes! Is that bitch crazy?  Today it switched to a 8 min run and 5 minute walk.  Was not ready for that so we lowered it down.  I want to push for 6 mins tomorrow and 8 mins Saturday and a day to rest on Sunday.  Run for 8 mins straight?  Can you believe it?

I don't think he understands and he never will

My husband and I don't fight much.  We argue. We bicker. I tell him I'm not speaking to him while I'm trying to hide my smile and we move on.  We've done enough fighting in the past to get us through the next few years.  The one thing we do fight about is his health.  During my run with Chrissy yesterday I told her that he will die.  That I realize that. If he doesn't change he will die before me.  I didn't cry. I didn't get choked up. I was stating a fact.  Yesterday when John and I were talking about age differences and Nate being so much younger than his brothers and sister he said he was going to have to face a lot of heart break watching his family pass away and I said no I didn't think. Nate will pass away before them.  Just stating a fact. I know this in my heart. I've been dealing with this fear for over 5 years and I guess I've accepted it.  At this moment I believe that I will be a widow before any of my friends.

It' makes me so mad. It makes me mad that I have to remind him to go to the doctor. I have to remind him that he has an issue. He isn't like everyone else. He has to eat better. He has to be active or he will die.  I hate that I have to yell and scream that at him.  Doesn't he love us?  Doesn't he want to see his son and daughter get married. See them become parents.  Doesn't he want to grow old with me and do all the things we've talked about?  Or is he just so selfish and lazy and accepting of his fate that he would rather do what he wants and enjoy the time he has. 

Today he went to see Dr. Joe (aka Dr. Love).  A doctor's appointment that was about a month overdue. He said Dr. Joe was tough on him. Told him no heart attacks on his watch.  He wants him on a 1800 calorie diet. No potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, deserts.  He wants him exercising every day. He told him to come back in 3 months and he wants him down 5 pounds. He told him everything in his belly is from the carbs.  Nate told me all of this and what he "has" to do but I think by lunch time he will forget all about it.  I told him to download the MyFitness app and keep track of his calorie and activity dairy for an entire month and he can by himself a gift at the end of the month.  I'm almost willing to bet that by Monday he will forget about all of the above. I'm sure at this point some people are thinking, "Give him the benefit of the doubt."  I have. I've listened to all of this before. I'm his wife. I've listen to him complain about himself and what he "needs" or "has" to do. I've never seen him stick with it.  Not even for a week.  I'm tired of hearing just words. They lose their value.  I'm not like that with him. When I tell him I'm going to do something I do it. My words hold value to him and others. I think my heart has done what it needs to do when he couldn't do what he needed to do. It's harden.  My world will shatter one day.  My husband will have another heart attack.  Nobody has just one.  It could kill him or it could scare him straight.  But at this point from what I've seen it's what I believe will happen.

You could also say, "C'mon Bre. He stood by you." We are not equals. He has heredity issues that could drop him dead right now.  When I'm mad at him and I don't kiss him goodbye I instantly regret it in the car because I fear that today can be the day. If I don't hear from him for hours at at time. I always go there. The thoughts the fears are always in my head. He is not equal to the guys he's eating lunch with, his heart is broken. His cholesterol is broken and he has to work harder than all of us to be healthy. I know it's unfair but it's his life. I tried so hard to yell and argue to make him see it. To make him care but I can't.  I can just do me and prepare. Prepare myself for the day I lose my husband and my children lose their father.  If he doesn't do something that day will come sooner than later.

Goal List Update

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)

1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
   Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
    Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back!  It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
     10K,
     River Run
     Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate
23.  Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29.  Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in

Reaction?

Reactions to the before & after picture?  Mine?  Disgust was first. Especially when I was editing the before picture last week.  And let me clarify the word editing for you.  I take these pictures with my son standing on a table holding a black curtain up behind me. I set the camera settings and hand my camera to my husband. I upload the images sharpen and add the full black background.  If not you would be able to see the rest of my living room in the picture. I don't mess with me.  I don't warm the picture up. (obviously by the paleness of the before) I don't take out stretch marks or make anything better or worse. Editing is simply making it a clean shot to focus on me :)

Okay back to my reaction.  First: Disgust.  I'm disgusted by what I allowed myself to get to.  This isn't heredity.  I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I did that.  All of that to myself. I'm disgusted by it and I will never ever allow myself to treat my body like that again. Second: Disbelieve  I HAD NO IDEA! I walk out of my shower everyday with a mirror on my left and a mirror in front of me and I never saw it. I walked out of the bathroom with a mirror directly in front of me and I never saw it.  When I went to edit the before pictures I was in disbelieve. That was me. Not even at my heaviest but 20 pounds lighter than last August.  Third: Thankful I'm so thankful for my husband.  I'm so thankful that he could love me just as I am.  Not just in the inside but on the outside.  The he was turned on by me. The he was still calling me sexy.  Once in 9 years did he call me fat.  Out of ALL the arguments we have had he said it once.  I'm so thankful for that because he could have used that to hurt me and he didn't.  Fourth: Excitement.  The after!!! OMG. I'm not even at my goal weight yet!   This is when I actually started to dissect the picture.  Look at the front and my neck.  I have a neck now!  This is the exact bra and panties I wore as last time and do you see how my cups are running over.  Now it's too big. You can't even see my itty bitties in there.  Backside, first I noticed my bar again. Do you see how it was thinned out from being stretched to fit and you can see my skin under.  (this is a brand new bra so this isn't wear but just pulling too tight) It also was on the first set of hooks and now it's on the last and straps pulled as tight as they can.   Then moving to my back roll. One side is almost gone!  The side, 9 months prego to 5 months prego! OMG no clue my stomach was poking out that far. No wonder why my husband says how skinny I am now when he hugs me. He can actually reach me! And look at my legs. How much thinner they look in the after.

My husband's reaction: "Did you enlarge the first picture?  You didn't do anything to it?  OMG you look like a man.  I feel like Shallow Hal right now and never saw that.  Good job baby."

Ethan: "bahahahaha Momma you were so pale! Why are you so white?  And you shrunk!  Have you gotten shorter? OMG." 

Friend: "OMG Sabrina!!! That is totally awesome!! your tattoo has even moved! Amazing!! The instant you have your tummy tuck, you will probably go down 2 more sizes. You are looking small as it is!! So proud of you!! 2 different people! Seriously!! No way!!! I never saw you like that. Oh, and I've deleted the pictures"

Sister: "You were pale! Big difference! I can tell a difference all around....so whens the next picture?"

Overall, I feel pretty good about this.  I'm not embarrassed at all.  It is what it is. I was what I was but the bottom line is it what I was and not who I am now or who I will ever be again.  I'm not ashamed of these pictures. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the work I have put in and continue to.  It's not easy.  It's not magic.  I deserve to be proud of myself at this moment. The good, the bad, and the ugly this is me and I'm okay with that.

Before & After

Here goes nothing.  Picure on the left is 266.6 on June 4, 2012.  Picture on the right 204 on Oct 1, 20012.  62.6 weight total weight loss.  I had no idea what I looked like. I never saw the girl on the left. I also didn't realize how much sun I had been missing.

 

 

Self Image

This is me and E-Diddy before our 5K this weekend.  Weight around 204?  I know most people would look at this and say you look great girl. & all those other positive comments people leave on Facebook and you would think I would have a huge head by now but I don't. What I see when I look at this picture is that inter tube sitting around my waist.  It's seriously all I can look at.  I know my sister is going to kill me about this post because she gave me shit about it this weekend when I pointed it out via text and reminded me of all the good things I've been able to do since June.  Don't get me wrong. I understand I wouldn't be playing softball or running every morning if you added on 80+ pounds.  But in my head all I can see is the fat around my stomach.  My face, my shoulders all look slender my that gut sticks out in my eye. I don't even see Ethan when I look at this picture.

Before surgery the psychologist told me I had a healthy self image. I looked in the mirror and I didn't see a almost 300 pound girl. It wasn't until I saw facebook post of me and was disgusted or shocked. I would immediately untag myself. I hate unapproved FB pics. lol  She said that when I started to lose weight I would see the same thing. I would see FB pics and be amazed at the thinner image I see.  Sometimes I do.  The first group picture posted that day I was shocked about how thin my upper body looked.  I know this is in my head. Well kind of. The spare tire is there but allowing myself to feel proud of this body that I'm working my ass off for is a challenge.  I think time will help ease these negative thoughts in my head.  Nate hugged me last night and told me how skinny I was and I immediately replied, "All but this" as I grabbed my belly.  He reminded me what I don't work off he will get taken off. Not to worry and just to enjoy this.  That's what I need to work on right now. Actually feeling as confident as I must look on FB.  Hopefully this before and after today will help push me forward with enjoying and celebrating my new body. I celebrate the numbers but I need to celebrate the girl I see in these pictures too.

What a weekend!

I feel like an old ass woman this morning. My legs are killing me! I would love to say, "Oh, I feel wonderful. Like a rock star," but I'm keeping it real. I feel sore.  I think it's from 2 things. 1.) The fast superhero speed running I was doing around those bases Friday night and 2.) the terrain of the 5K.  Up, down, in, and out. Oh, and the icing on the cake: the stairs at the jaguar games. Thank God for good seats and there are only about 15 steps!  I woke up this morning not wanting to run but decided to get up and go for a walk.  Get my legs stretched back out and start fresh tomorrow.  I'm ready to sign up for my next 5K this week schedule for Oct 28th.  The Pumpkin Run in Evergreen Cemetery.  I'm thinking bumble bee socks, and antenna headband and maybe a cute little stinger on my butt. :)  My husband might be joining me for this one.  Finger's crossed.

How did I do at the football game?  Fantastic!  For the shit that went down I actually wish I was more intoxicated so I could have all been a blur but I was stone cold sober.  I had 3 1/2 beers before the game and switched to water inside the game.  I brought a bag of chicken inside with me and snacked on some of that during the game and drank my water.  Worked out perfectly.  Everyone enjoyed the pulled chicken recipe and the BBQ beans so I'll take this moment to pat myself on the back.

Weight check in?  203 baby! And Nate?  203!!! Grrrr.  Don't worry all that beer he drank last night will catch up to him this week.  He did pick me up yesterday like I was Baby from Dirty Dancing. I'm still not comfortable with him doing that but it's nice to know he can without killing himself.

Before & After?  Tonight!  It's kind of unfair though because the bra I wore before is almost half empty.  I wonder if you will be able to tell in the pictures?  I guess I need to go out and buy new bras...grrr.  Positive side: I can pick up some sexy ones from Victoria Secrets :)

On a more personal note I love those moments in life when you learn something about yourself.  Good or bad.  Last night I realized how much I love my husband and more importantly our marriage.  We are far far from perfect and I will continue to bitch at him if the trash can is still full tonight but I thank my lucky stars for us to be where we are right now.  We've earned it.  The blood, sweat, and lots of tears. We've earned it.  Almost a decade together and we know what works with each other.  We love and respect one another. I can't tell you how many times he told me last night that he loves our marriage and he woke up this morning saying how thankful he is for us.  I couldn't agree more. I saw this quote yesterday and I think it applies to us.  "the couples that are 'meant to be' are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before."  That describes us and our commitment to each other and our children very well.  We probably shouldn't have made it through the things we have and will continue to face but we respect each other and we are in this forever.  I'm just so thankful for him.   Now if only I can weigh less than him he would be out of the dog house this week! ;)  I know you never come here unless you think I'm mad at you Nate so unless you give me a reason you won't be coming by but if you do I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE US.  I'M SO VERY PROUD OF US. Thank you for an amazing weekend and your continued support and unconditional love.  Believe me I know I don't deserve what God has given me with you.