Another weekend has zoomed by and I was exhausted by it. Thanks to the rain I didn't have to face the softball issue. Our game was cancelled and I felt like I could breath again. Up until I received the text that it had been cancelled I felt anxiety like I never have before. Isn't that weird? It's something that I could have done in my sleep before. I was about to write I don't know why but the truth is I do. I don't like the attention. I don't like standing at home plate and knowing all those people are looking at me. I don't like the feeling of everyone looking at me when I'm at first and the ball is being thrown in my direction. I've worked so hard to blend in the last 10 years I'm scared and embarrassed to put myself out there. I have a double header on Friday and then 2 weeks off. I'm going to suck it up and go to the game. So what if it's 2 hours of me making an ass out of myself. I need to put myself out there. I need to overcome this feeling of hiding.
I also decided to do a photo session with just me. It's scheduled for 5 weeks from now. The theme is "Strength & Freedom". I've been in contacted with an amazing photographer who will do an awesome job helping me figure out how I want to demonstrate the theme. I want to be able to look at these pictures when I feel like I can't go any further. When I feel like I can't run another step or wake up another morning and see the strength in my eyes. The free part come from this feeling of me being in a box. I've worked so hard not to stick out that I want to be free! I want to play in puddles, dance in the rain, twirl in circles and be free. In my last family sessions I've always had someone to hide behind. My husband or my children. This time it will be just me. I've already thought about backing out but I'm going to force myself to do it. I need to do this to get outside of my head. To see me the me that I am now and the me I want to be. Nov 16th is the date so stay tuned!
Whizzy returned today during running. I had to use my inhaler for the first time and wasn't able to get my breathing under control during our 3 minute walk time. I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm digressing instead of progression but again I'm just going to push through.
I'm 2 weeks away from my annual Fort Lauderdale business trip. Last year I hid in my room most of the time because I felt fat and I wanted to be invisible. I almost passed out at the cocktail reception because I was overweight and overheated. This year I'm hoping will be much better. My boss asked me how I'm going to handle the questions and silly me asked, "What question?" The "wow what have you been doing?" question. I hadn't thougth about that. I've seen these same 100 people for the past 9 years and they've never seen me weigh this little. Sometimes I think people won't notice. I'ts 64 pounds Bre not 10! Of course people will notice and of course people will want to know how I did it. What do I say? I've googled this online and most articles say it's no body's business and to say hard work. Which would be 100% true. This is not easy. Nothing about it has been easy but I don't want to mislead people either. I don't want to say diet and exercise and you can do it too!! That would be a lie. At least for me it would be. I wouldn't have been able to do this without surgery. I had weight loss surgery. I'm not ashamed of it at all but I'm also not sure if I want to have the same conversation 100 times. I'll let you know how I handle it. I'm just going to wing it or avoid the actual subject as much as possible.
Weight loss goals. I weighed in yesterday morning at 202.4 3 pounds away from my under 200 weight loss goal. Nate's current weight is the 199! Obnoxious! Only slightly because I am very proud of him. He is still keeping track of his food and using the elepitical every night. He's going to make it harder on me than I thought!
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