Because I'm a blonde

Yea yea yea! STOP!!! No I'm not. Not anymore. I'm a brunette again! I bit the bullet Saturday & dyed my hair brown again after 8 years of being a blonde. I love it! It's a nice break for my hair & something I wanted to try for a long time. I don't know how long I will keep it like this but for now bye bye blonde hello brunette!

Here are some pics from my phone!

And the aggravation begins

It's going to be a record high of 84 degrees today. Absolutely beautiful. The problem? I have nothing to wear! I have plenty to wear for cold weather. Leggings, boots, sweaters. I have nothing to wear for warmer weather to work. I can't come in leggings and a tank top. It was so frustrating this morning and no different than a year ago when I had nothing to wear because everything too small. Nate says, "Let's go buy you new clothes." Oh yes, let's go waste money on new clothes. The A&F size 12 jeans I bought last Friday are even a little baggy in the butt already. Do you know how pissed I would be if I spent $79 on them instead of $3.95 (Oh yes under $4 for A&F jeans be jealous!) Let alone how hard it was to find 3 pairs of jeans in a thrift store. It took me an entire hour to search 2 long ass racks of jeans to find 3 jeans.

I want to look nice. I don't want to look like a slob but I also don't want to spend $300 on new clothes and new shoes. I know this probably sounds like blah blah blah blah blah. Whine me a river Sabrina. You're too small for your clothes. I promise you it's still a problem. A problem that I need a cheaper alternative to solve. I think I need to go thrift store shopping on a Saturday or Sunday and actually spend some time there. No kids. No husband. Maybe I could take Chrissy to help me dig?

Weight loss goal!!!

I've been so focused on my running goals I didn't even realized what happened when I registered my weight today...165. Thats 100 pounds since my surgery date!!!

It's funny how my goal priority has changed. I'm more focused on my running goals instead of my weight goals. I'm still nervous about the Gate but I know I can do it. I ran 4 miles without stopping. That's almost halfway there. I can do it.

I went to the thrift store Friday and I bought 3 pairs of jeans. 1 size 12 from Banana Republic and 1 from Abercrombie and Fitch. A&F is the skinny bitch store! I can't believe it. I also got a size 10 trouser jean and it fit. All for $21 I might add!!! Crazy to think when I get a tummy tuck I will be around a size 8. I thought before this journey started I would be a 14. I was happy at a 14. I have a hard time realizing that I've done this. There's no telling where I would be if I wasn't running. Would I be thinner? Of course. But would I be a size 10? Probably not. I've earned this.

4 miles down

Last night I ran 4 miles without stopping on the treadmill. I ran it in 54.37 according to Nike+. It felt good to be back out there. My right hip did start to hurt but I just pushed through. I think more yoga would help stretch that out. I felt good running. The most difficult part was the last half a mile and I think that's just because I knew what was coming. The end!

Music really helped me. I've learned my lesson. I use to run to the kind of music I like. Slow songs, slow country songs. All wrong! When a good beat song came on I ran faster. I've changed my running play list and I'm adding more beat/running appropriate songs.

I worked hard to slow my breathing down like Charlyn kept reminding me and like yoga teaches. That helped me with that feeling of  panting. I also remembered to shake it up and loosen up like my sister kept reminding me. I'm glad that I was able to run with her those couple times in Dec. I feel like she taught me things that will make me a better runner. I'm very excited for her and Katherine to come down and run/walk the Gate River Run with me. I don't know what this run means so much to me. I almost signed up for the Donna half marathon the other day which is next month and longer but doesn't frighten me so much. Maybe it's because it's such a big deal here in town and I've always wanted to do it. I'm weighed in at a 100 pound weight loss this morning but that doesn't excite me as much as completing the Gate River Run.

Tonight's training is 40 minutes of cross fit. I'm going to run 2 miles and then work out in Chrissy's gym. I love the punching bag! Thursday is a 3 mile run, Friday rest, and Saturday another 4 miles! I'm back on track and pumped up about it! 7 more weeks until the Gate!!!

Honesty

This blog won't help me if I'm not honest with it. There's no therapy to my thought process if I'm holding it in. I've never held anything back from this blog so much so it's gotten me in trouble at times but I have for the past 2 weeks. I've posted the good and not the bad and it's because of the accountability and the shame. So here is its. I haven't ran outside or on the elliptical since Jan 7th. I've still been doing yoga but I've fallen off the wagon for my 15K training program and it hit me last night that I'm failing. It has become so hard to do it without a partner. Chrissy is out. Whenever she starts running again she will be starting the process over from sqaure one and Nate doesn't like to run and even though he says, "Oh, I will run with you." He's not pushing me.  He's not making me get out of bed to run. Or he's offered to ride his bike next to me. How awkward would that be? This will be a challenge for me. If I have no one here to push me I have to be the strong one. I have to push myself. After all this is my goal not anyone elses.  Chrissy said I could use her treadmill tonight so no excuse of not running in the dark by myself or it being too cold. I have to do this.

Ice skating

I went ice skating last night! We had fun as a family & my weight wasn't holding me back! Time to mark that off my goal list!

"Momma works"

My fabulous friend and daycare provider came over last night to catch up. We hadn't seen each other since we came back from Vegas and had some family issues to both discuss. We sat on Lorelei's floor while Little Miss played with her baby dolls before bedtime. We started talking about how much Lorelei has been talking and that it seems like just in the 5 days I was gone her speech has developed more. Chrissy was telling me that Lorelei talks about Daddy all day. That her Daddy does this and this and she asked her what about Momma. Lorelei replied, "Momma works".  It broke my heart to hear that. She's right though. Momma gets up earlier than she does and is out the door before she wakes 5 days a week to take Ethan to school.  If I have sessions or meeting with BMC after work then some days I don't see her at all.  On the weekends if I have a session I'm gone for 3-4 hours at a time. Sometimes multiple times a day.  Momma does work and maybe it's too much.  I don't want to miss out on things in her life. This is my last baby. My last chance to enjoy every moment of her life and Ethan's. How do I find that balance of providing for my children and being there for them. At the end of the day I know that the name brand clothes won't matter to them as much as my undivided attention.

I say all the time that I'm going to slow things down, plan less, have less sessions. I increased my prices last year and figured it would slow down. I made almost $12,000 last year in photography. That's a lot of extra work. I obviously didn't keep my word.  I'm making the statement again. I can't do anything about the sessions I currently have planned but I'm doubling my prices in the hopes that I will do 50% less session. 

I'm also going to switch weeks with Nate on dropping Ethan off. I want to be able to say good morning to my little girl. 2012 was really a year for me. It was a year I was making goals for myself and being selfish for the first time in 11 years. That time has come and gone though. I need to find a balance of time for me, time for us (Nate & I), and a time for we (my family).  Everything else just doesn't really matter.

Updated Goal List

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)

1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)  (schedule for the end of April)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
BEAT Nate in a 5K
10K
Gate River Run (signed up and ready to go!!!)
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate (Ulta in Miami)
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets I'm crossing this off this list because I'm too cheap to buy a bra from VS but I do own 3 bra's now and 1 is red and sexy. Plus Nate bought me some panties from VS so I think that counts.
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
32. Buy an outfit from Black & White Market, J Crew
33. Buy a pair of jeans at a regular store other than Old Navy.

I'm sexy and I know it

No not really. Vegas was a whole new world for me. A world where Sabrina dresses up in 3 inch heels, short shorts and dresses, and sexy tights. A world where men stopped and pointed to their friends to check out the legs on this giant walking down the aisle. A world where a man asked me to dinner 2 feet away from my husband. A world where 50 year old men stopped to tell me how great my legs were and how lucky my husband was. A world where my husband noticed a man stop in his track and my husband gently put his hand on my ass and stayed by my side.

I would be a liar if I was to say it didn't feel good. It was flattering. I've never considered myself an ugly girl but I don't know if I was as pretty as these men were making me feel.  Is that a bad feeling? To say that these men made me feel pretty. I don't know why but that statement makes me feel like a betrayal towards my husband.

Vegas was a different world. In my real world I wear boots, leggings, jeans (when they fit) and my favorite go to sandals. But it was nice to live in this world of dressing up for a few days. I've asked Nate to take me to places in Jacksonville where I could actually get to use those clothes again. We will see if that happens.

Weight update

Did I tell you I gained weight? On 12/31 my official weigh in was 170. Last Monday before vacation I weighed in at 170.4. That is my first official weigh in with no loss and weight gain since my surgery date. How did I feel abut it?  A OKAY! It's .4 of a pound. I've recently started to round out my diet adding carbs back into it. I'm 10 pounds away from my goal weight and I don't want to lose more weight after 160 and the way to do that is to enrich your diet. I was expecting some sort of weight gain.

The plan did not include my Vegas diet but I was on vacation and enjoying some food treats. What did I eat? Here's the breakdown.

Monday Lunch: 1 serving of Orange Chicken from Panda Express no rice
1 slice of the works pizza at the airport
and a half of a beef hot dog (no bun) and 10 cheese fries at the Stratosphere

Tuesday: Scrambled egg breakfast
1/2 of a turkey panini
1/2 of a ham, cheese croisant (no top bread)

Wednesday:
I can't remember lunch
Sushi no rice. cucumber wrapped and sashimi

Thursday:
Over easy eggs, potatoes, grilled vegs
Some of Nate's left over chirzzo
Cobb salad with ranch

Friday:
egg white veg omelet with potatoes
Chicken nachos shared with Nate
Sushi with rice this time. 6 pieces and brussel sprouts
1 slice of pizza around 2 am!

Saturday:
Cheese and crackers tray
Hamburger no bun, about 10 french fries
1 slice of pizza with ham and pepperoni

I brought a can of almonds with me and a bag of beef jerky. I used that as snacks throughout the day and brought some additional jerky at the hotel. I guess overall it wasn't an awful list. More pizza than I have most weeks.  I also didn't run while in Vegas but we walked so much. I didn't think the balls of my feet could handle running. I was expecting my Monday weigh in to be ugly. When I weighed in this morning I was pleasantly surprised 168.4 Down 2 pounds. I'm a bit shocked. I was expecting a couple pounds of weight gain. I wonder if it's because my calorie count was higher and my body liked that. Oh, I also want to add that I did drink a protein shake every morning while in Vegas. I knew that I wouldn't have choices of high in protein food all the time so I wanted to make sure to at least have 35 grams of protein to start my day off.

Stay tuned for some Vegas related post in the next couple!

Structure

I'm kinda a freak. My entire life is tracked and organized on my outlook calendar. I then sync my appointments with my husband. If it's not on the calendar it's not happening. With all of our family events over the summer even Howie and Gordon had me syncing my calendar with theirs. When I go for a doctor's appointment I don't take a card with my future appointment I put it right in my phone. I'm good to go. I can set an appointment for 6 months to a year out because I know what my schedule looks like. I even have hair appointments scheduled through this summer. When I go get my hair done it's not because, "Oh, I just realized my hair needs to be colored" it's because this anal chick scheduled her appointment 6 months beforehand. 


I don't know when I became like this. I think it happened between divorce 1 and marriage 2.  I think smart phones just help create a monster. I can tell you if 16 year old Sabrina knew 32 year old Sabrina she would think she was crazy!  There is some benefits to being so structured and organized but there is also some downsides. One of the major ones is it's overwhelming to others. To Nate and Ethan. To have every day of their lifes mapped out. To have weekend after weekend planned out. I forget to plan day to relax. I want to change that.

I find a sense of peace in structure and an organized event. I can have a good time when I know things are going to flow a certain way.  This all leads me to Vegas. Vegas has been Nate's baby. The purpose of the trip is to attend CES. The Consumer Electronic Show. Nate has always wanted to attend so a few months ago I suggested that we forgo Christmas gifts and go to Vegas instead. He booked the flights, he booked the hotel, he signed us up for tickets to CES. He researched the shows and purchased the tickets to 2 shows. All I've done is buy 5 outfits to wear at night. I've done little to no research on the place. I've talk to a few people but the city is huge and the amount of things to do are unlimited. This causes a bit of anxiety for me. I have a hard time relaxing when I don't know what's going on. My husband is the direct opposite of me. He is able to just fly by the seat of his pants. I envy that at times.

I want to be able to let go during this Vegas trip. Part of my journey as a new Bre is mental too. To let go of the things that hold me back. Being too structure is one of those things. Vegas will be a tough trip for me. I'm flying into a city I've never been too with no real plan.  And I plan on having fun! Oh, wait that sounds like a plan.....

Last Vegas outfit

This is my dress & shoes for O. Dress $15, shoes $28. Earrings $10. Please excuse the sports bra and post yoga hair do.