Monday, June 24, 2013

First Grayson Family Camping Trip

It was amazing! The moment I got home I missed it. I missed my sisters. I missed their kids. I wanted to go back to the woods. With a working air mattress.

I was so nervous heading up there and the week before I kept thinking how much I wished it was over with already. I told Nate that I needed him to be the positive one. I needed him to talk me out of being upset and to be the ying to my yang. Ends up I didn't need that.

From the moment we got there everything went off great. Debra & Katherine got along great. I loved seeing them laugh together. Katherine is so funny and she really cracks Debra up. (And yes I think you're funny too!) You could tell how much Debra missed her family. She was emotional all weekend. Especially around Dad. I feel bad for not going to visit her more often and plan on making a better effort from now on. It's only 3 hours away.

Watching my sister's with their families was very nice. I've been the mom the longest and playing this roll as a grown up the longest. It was nice to have them all in the same boat as me now. Debra is amazing with her 3 kids and does a great job with them. They are very well behaved and I just adore them. Katherine and David are great parents too. You can tell what a great team they are together with their daughter, cooking, and more. David too find's Katherine very funny and she cracks him up. (And yes I think you're funny too!) And their little girl is so edible! I could eat her up with a spoon!

Christina is Christina. My mini Charlyn. Such a wise and responsible girl. I can't wait to see where her road leads here. Her possibilities are endless.

I have a new found liking for my step mother Lynn. She's been married to my Dad for 5 years now and this is the most time I've ever spent with her. She came walking up in a long moo-moo and red hot flat wheels with feathers on it, manicured toes and nails, and red lipstick. I loved it! It was who she was. She didn't go anywhere without the lipstick. Even at the beach I noticed the tube in her hand. lol My kind of lady. And she was a lady. Just like my step mom Carol. She was well put together and up for almost anything. She's funny and sarcastic. I realized that everything bad I thought about her I was told from other people. I based my opinion on her on other people's bad updates. And I should know better than that. Nobody ever reports the good only the bad. I'm not saying we left as BFF but I do have a new founded respect for her and I liked her. She put a lot of time into planning the trip with my father's best interest at heart. She bought stuff for the Grand kids to keep them busy, planned a menu to meet every body's needs and really just impressed me.

Her daughter Liz...blah. She wasn't friendly at all. Which caused Caroline to not participate a lot. We hardly saw either one of them. Seeing the 2 of them together reminded me of the time when they verbally attacked and bashed me on FB. 7 months pregnant and taunted me about going into labor. Maybe one day when they are mothers they will realize how much my husband wants to punch them all in the face. I forgive easily. He doesn't. It was a bit ironic that for the 3 or 4th time my father forgot to call Ethan on his birthday right before the trip. He called the next day and said he didn't forget that he didn't get home until 9pm and I would have loved to point out the fact that when I didn't call to wish him a Happy's Father's Day by 5pm I was viciously attacked from all his hounds. But I didn't. I'm sure he thought about it. At least I hope he did.

Forgiveness. I spoke to my sister about forgiveness that weekend. Who we forgive and who we don't. I forgive Katherine. I forgive Caroline. I forgive Debra. I forgive Rodney. I forgive my mother. It's harder for me to forgive my father. I'm not sure if he realizes what he did. Not just the physical abuse but the verbal abuse. I have a hard time being lovey dovey to him. Or to bow down to him. The last time I did that was the summer of 1998 and I refuse to go back. I think that kept me distant as some points of the camping trip. Just my own internal struggle with my father. I think I kept it undercover though. I hope. I do admire him. I admire his strength and perseverance. He was served a shitty hand and could have gone down a different path. I'm proud of what he was able to accomplish as a young orphan. So it's a struggle for me.

Overall the camping trip was great. I seriously sat at my desk Wed, Thursday, and Friday and wished we were back there. I can't wait for the next one.  When is the next one???

1 year Update

I'm a little behind on my blogging. Life has been going so crazy fast since May I haven't had the time to sit down and put my thoughts down.

June 4 was my one year mark for surgery.  This past year has been amazing. More than I ever imagined. I thought I would be a size 14 at my smallest. I thought I would weigh 180 at my smallest. I reached those goals and exceeded them. I'm a size 8 in pants and currently weigh between 148-150 pounds.  It all feels surreal. Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and it will all be back. That this life isn't only temporary. I doubt my ability to sustain it.  Ugh stop being negative Sabrina!

First my updated Goal list

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)
1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :) (schedule for the summer)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
BEAT Nate in a 5K
10K
Gate River Run (signed up and ready to go!!!)
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate (Ultra in Miami)
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets I'm crossing this off this list because I'm too cheap to buy a bra from VS but I do own 3 bra's now and 1 is red and sexy. Plus Nate bought me some panties from VS so I think that counts.
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
32. Buy an outfit from Black & White Market, J Crew
33. Buy a pair of jeans at a regular store other than Old Navy.

Pretty impressive. I'm so very happy with how the past year has gone.

Reality Check:  I need to stay focus. I don't want to lose any more weight but I also don't want to go back to being fat. I feel like lately I've been eating more so I'm setting my timer and going to stick with my schedule. I'm actually okay with gaining 10 pounds back but you get what I'm saying. I don't want to forget that it's very easy to gain all this weight back and I never want to go back there.

Running. I haven't been running because of a lack of a partner. The Green's were nice enough to include me one day which was nice. I enjoyed the run and it felt great. I made a commitment to Chrissy starting today to start running again. I don't want to run 5+ days a week anymore if it doesn't fit in my schedule but I do want to run at least 3 days a week including a long run of 8 miles or more.  I can't seem to wake up in the morning so we are going to run right after work.  I'm signing up for the Wounded Warrior 8K this fall and the MC half marathon. I thought I was going to sign up for a Marathon but because of all the other stuff we have planned and our future changing I'm not sure I can commit to it.

"You're so skinny" I don't know why I hate hearing this. I guess because I assume that people mean it in a bad way even if they don't. Or if they are heavier than me I don't want them to hate me for it. Or judge me for it. I feel better. I feel more confident but I in know way think that I'm better than my friends or family that are struggling with their weight. I don't want to be an outsider to them. The big girls. Those are my girls. I understand their battle and what's in their heart. I understand not going out places because you are ashamed of yourself. I understand holding yourself back from living the life you want because of the weight. I don't want to be an outsider to them.

The skin- What can I say? It's there. It's not awful but I know it's there. It could be so much worse. So so much worse. So I'm thankful. I do want some cosmetic surgery but that will come when it's the right time financially for my family.
I can't even put into words how amazing this past year has been. I'm a happier person. My family is happier.I look back at those pictures of me and I really had no idea. I didn't know I looked like that. I don't ever want to go back.


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Facebook Before and After

Right: 05/12              Left 05/13