Heartbroken

My heart the last 2 weeks has been very heavy. I might poke fun at at the fact that Ethan is in trouble or grounded. Or that my closets are all organized and bathrooms cleaner than they have been in years but whenever I'm near my son I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know why I'm taking this so personally. This is to be expected right. Our children will disappoint us. They will lie to us. They will make mistakes. Why does it hurt so much? 

I think what hurts is that he's growing up and I know that things are changing. The fact that he doesn't want to dance and act crazy in the car all the time. That there is a cool factor there and that carefree boy is gone. That it's not all fun and games anymore.  I'm also disappointed in him. I'm not a lazy person. I wasn't raised to be a lazy person. My father expected chores to be done and he expected them to be done correctly. He also didn't stand for excuses. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you ask someone and question and the answer isn't yes or no but this long drawn out reason for no. Just say no. Ethan has been doing the dinner dishes for almost 6 months. Why do I have to ask him if he's wiped down the counters? Why do I have to remind him to clean out the sink? It drives me crazy. Do it the right way. I don't want him to grow up to be a lazy person full of excuses and maybe I've raised him the wrong way and that is why he has problems remembering. Maybe this whole time that I thought I was doing a good job I really wasn't. Maybe I haven't taught him enough about discipline and organization, accountability.  I feel like I've yelled so much the last 2 weeks and I haven't gotten anywhere.

The other part that is driving me crazy and keeping me from moving on is he hasn't apologized. He hasn't come up to me and said that he was sorry for disappointing us and lying to us. I've made apologizing a big part of our lives. If Nate & I argue we always apologize to one another for saying something that was in appropriate and apologize for the kids if we need to. And we do it in front of the children.  We hug it out and we all move on. Saying I'm sorry and meaning it makes everything better. At least in our home it does. Why hasn't he done that. I read a quote one day that said something like, "A good man knows the words I'm sorry." Am I not raising a good man because that's all I've wanted for my son. I don't care if he is a genius. If he is the cutest but I want him to be an honorable good man one day. To be true to his word. To be able to say the words I'm sorry. So maybe he's not sorry. Maybe he isn't the boy I thought he was. And if he isn't then I have to keep fighting. I have to keep punishing him until he gives in. Not for me but for him.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could rewind to 5 years ago when he was still a little boy. I miss him.

Must. Slow. Down.

I must slow down my eating. This last week I've been eating too fast and it makes me feel so uncmofrtable. Thankfully I haven't been sick but it is causing me to get hot flashes which is a sign of dumping.

MUST. SLOW. DOWN.

Monday weigh in

I can't believe it has taken me over 48 hours to post this but I did it! I hit my final weight loss goal. Yesterday morning I weighed in at exactly 160 pounds. I've officially lost 106.60 pounds.

I feel strange. I feel like there should have been some type of celebration but it didn't really faze me. My goals have shifted so much and it's not about my weight anymore. In a way I think that's good but I also think it's scary. I don't want to ever not care about my weight and start gaining weight. I'm so scared that this is all so temporary and I will get fat again.  But then again maybe that fear is good. That fear will keep it from happening.

I'm not sure what my body will do from here. My body's goal weight and mine might not be a match. I might lose more weight. I know for sure when I have a tummy tuck I will lose this squishy belly and my surgeon said about 10-15 pounds.

So if I don't care about my weight what do I care about. The Gate River Run. I want to do it. I want to finish it. I can't believe it's 2 weeks away.  Some days I have all the confidence in the world. Other days I'm scared of miles 6-9. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Layering

Limited jeans eBay
Flannel shirt- Old Navy
Express cardigan- thrift store under $3.00

Friday outfit

Thank God it's a warm day finally! I had to enlist Chrissy help for a picture this morning. I'm feeling super casual & I like it ;)

Limited capris
Limited tank top & jean jacket

Thursday Cashmere

J Crew Cashmere Sweater- $14.98

Limited Jeans- $15 (same as yesterday)

Ann Taylor Loft Tank too-$8.50

Express Peacoat- $23.27

change of location today! I wasn't dressed before my husband left so he waited at my work for me and snapped a couple pictures. Such a team player!

The wedges are from my sister in laws wedding. I want to try this sweater with a rolled up jean shirt under it like this one.

Horizontal running

Tonight I'm horizontal running 3 miles & cuddling with my hubby & Felix.

Hump day

Ann Taylor Loft tank top $25
limited Jeans- $15.25
Earrings- Valentine Day gift from the man

I think this is my most expensive outfit.

BFF hookup

All jeans in size 10. 2 pairs gap jeans, one pair express jeans, one pair american eagle jeans, 8 cardigans and the green tank top like shirt. $35 from her local thrift store!

I love my BFF! I can't wait until she comes to visit next month & we can hang out.

Monday Blues.

I know it's Tuesday but it feels like a Monday.

Here's my outfit. It's in the 50's this morning but will get up to the 70's by lunch so I added tights & boots to this $10 Express dress. Excuse the face & hair. I wasn't finished getting ready & I feel super awkward taking pics lol

Weight: back down to 161 (this weekend it showed 159.6 at one point!)

Training: fail last week. Not a fail I just took it easy because I wanted to give my knee time to heal. It feels much better & I'm back at it today!

Thursday outfit

Limited pants- $6.00
Buckle t-shirt- 9.00
Jean jacket from the other day

So my review on yesterday's outfit....Blah. I didn't like the shoes with the pants. I didn't like the length of the t-shirt & the loose fit of the khakis. I'm going to have the pants altered. I'm undecided on how the jean jacket looked or if a longer one would look better along with a cute pair of flats.

Wednesday Outfit

Express purple tank top- $5.00
Banana Republic jeans- $15.25
Jacket, jewlery, and shoes already owned.

Added a jacket for work.

My outfit today

Express brown tank top- $5.00
Express jean jacket- $15.00
Limited cropped pants-$10.00
Jewelry & shoes already owned.

I did it. Kinda

I ran the Run 5 for life this Saturday. I was really nervous starting out. It felt weird and lonely to be in that group of people without a friend or partner. Underneath my sunglasses I was holding back tears. I was gripping onto my hands. When the gun went off I just like Forest Gump started running. The first bridge was the Acosta and even thought it was steep I made it over. I made sure not to get carried away with the momentum of the downside and after the bridge leveled out I was able to keep my stride. Them main street bridge was cake. The grating was a little wonky but the incline was nothing. The overpass to Riverside? Holy hell!!! I kept shuffling and pushing through and again controlled my speed on the way down. I made it to the Fuller Warren and on my way back to the finish line. I was drinking and gargling water at the proper stations. I was over 4 miles in and I felt great. The weather was perfect. My hip was not hurting at all. My side was not hurting at all. My Nike + announces that I have less than .5 a mile to go and I'm going over the incline that goes over the railroad track. Up, straight, up, straight, up straight. It was then when I started to feel a pain in my left knee. I must have made a noise because the guy behind me looked back at me. I made it to the top and now was the curvy downhill fun part. Last stretch to the finish line and i couldn't run. I tried. Every step or shuffle I took with my left knee it would give out underneath me. 4.79 miles.  I stopped and I cried. I cried not because of the pain but because I had to stop. I was so close. I could hear the music. I could see the finish line and I couldn't run. Finishing the spiral was painful. I didn't think I could even walk the rest of the way. I held onto the rail and cried my way down. 30-40 people and each one felt like a knife in my heart. I had them. When I got down to the straight away I called Nate crying. I told him I didn't think I could finish. He told me he was there waiting for me and I could do it. Just walk it Sabrina. Be proud of yourself you did it. So with my pride as low as it could be and my knee burning underneath the knee cap I walked the rest of the 5 miles to the finish line. No strong finish for me but I finished with my husband standing at the end waiting for me. So I did it. I finished a 5 mile race by myself. I didn't run the whole thing but I finished and according to my husband that means I was successful on my goal.

How do I feel now? I looked up the location of the pain and have self diagnosed it was runner's knee. An article from Runners World said that it is irritated by hills and downward runs which would make sense since I went over 4 bridges for the first time. It recommends icing the knee for 2-3 hours. Using pain reliever. All I can use because of surgery is Tylenol and rest. It also recommends strengthening your thighs to help support your knee and gradually increasing your hill work out. The pain now is come and go. I felt fine during my newborn session yesterday but when we went to the beach the stairs hurt my knee. What I did like is after my 5 miles last week I felt like an old as sore woman this time I felt good.

Emotionally I feel a little bummed. I have a hard time being proud of myself if you haven't been able to tell. If I set a goal I want to do it. This will not be my last visit on that track. I will show myself that I can run that without stopping. I'm also nervous. Will my knee be okay for the Gate?  I'm going to be a good girl and follow all the rules and not push it. And then there is the thought of what if this happens during the Gate?  Thankfully there are less bridges during the Gate. The main street bridge and then the big dog during the last mile. I'll be okay. 4 more weeks until the Gate River Run. 4 more weeks until I can say I did it!

Oh, and today's weigh in. Yeah I gained weight. lol I knew it was going to happen though. When I weighed last week it was very low at 161 but on Tuesday and throughout the week I was weighing in around 165. I stay honest with my weight chart so I knew there was no weigh the 5 pounds would just disappear. It seems like 165 is where I should have been. Again how do I feel? lol I don't care! I'm a 165. I'm 8 months out from surgery and 5 pounds from my goal weight. I'm wearing a size 10 pant today. My temporary wedding ring is now too big for me.  I didn't eat bad last week. I didn't do anything to gain weight. I'm A OK with weighing 165 and having a weight gain this week.

New goal

I want to be able to do a cartwheel & use a hoola hoop.

The Run 5

The course for tomorrow's 5 mile run. No fan fare. No team mates. No big deal. Running on my own just to prove to myself I can.

High five

I was out to lunch today & saw my RNY surgeon at the restaurant. I walked up and said hi & he replied, "Wow you look great!" He asked me how much I've lost & I told him I was 2 pounds from my goal & weighed 162. He whipped up his hand & gave me a high 5!

Thrift store fail but Ebay SCORE!

Yesterday morning as I thought about my 4 shirts and 2 jeans I decided it was time to go shopping. I have to own more clothes. I have to come of that cash and spend it. I immediately head to my favorite online sites. Banana Republic, Gap, and Express. All of which are having 25% sales. I put 3 shirts and 2 pants into my cart at BR and use my coupon code and the grand total was $180!!! For 3 t-shirts and 2 pants. I don't think so. The same basic formula happened at the Gap and Express too. I couldn't do it. What if they didn't fit long? I would be pissed.

I went across the street to my local thrift store where I scored my 3 jeans a couple weeks back. I searched for work pants and a work blazer and came up with NOTHING! I thought it would be easy. Size 12 is a general size right? Not a single damn thing. I wanted it too. I wanted those $4.00-$7.00 Banana Republic gently used pants. But I walked out of the thrift store with nothing.

So I ventured to Ebay. I've purchased cruise dresses on Ebay before but not anything too major. Let me tell you I scored! I spent more than I would at a thrift store but less than if I bought them from the store even with my 25% coupon. On average I spent about $11 for each item. Some items being valued at $80 new!

Here's my stash.

 $14.50 Limited Cargo Capri Pants

 4 Ann Taylo Loft Cami, Teal, blue, white, black $8 a piece

 Express Stretch Cropped Work Khaki Pants $9.99

 Cashmere J Crew Boat Neck Sweater $14.98

Express Womens Dress Tunic $10.50

 Express peacoat $23.27

 Express cropped jean jacket $14.73

 The Limited Casual Dress Pants $6.00

 Ann Taylor Shell $23.28

 6 Express Tank Tops $25.00

Buckle T-shirt $9.00

You're my inspiration

No, I'm not referencing one of my favorite Chicago songs. Even though every time someone says it to me I start singing this power ballad in my head. I'm referring to text, emails, and post on Face book I receive from friends telling me that I'm such an inspiration to them. That my weight loss journey has inspired them. That my workout schedule has inspired them. It's all very nice but it makes me uncomfortable and the biggest reason is because I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've cheated and none of them know that. That I don't deserve to be there inspiration. That if they knew I had surgery none of them would be saying that. Am I a fraud?  Will someone get mad at me one day and then blast my secret to the world on face book. Will everyone think I was a liar?

Then again should I feel like that. I am doing more than anyone in my RNY support group. Nobody else is running this race coming up. Nobody is working out. Even they have told me that I've inspired them. So should it matter. Yes, no matter what I would have lost weight but this surgery was made to help lose 60-80% of your excess body fat and thanks to exercising I'm less than 2 pounds away from losing 100% of my excess weight. I did that. I didn't have to. I made goals and I stuck with them. I've pushed through the voices in my head and I'm battling the some negativity as everyone else. Why can't I just be as proud of myself as everyone else is?

Something I never thought about

Something I didn't think about before I had surgery. That it would feel different to sit on my butt. It's almost uncomfortable. Lack of padding perhaps? My driver seat is the worst now. Too embarrassing to carry an inflatable donut around?