The answer

While sitting at home last night in the darkness of the living room, the kids in bed and the man at hockey I could help but think about our debt and what we are going to do about it. I can't feel helpless because being a victim isn't going to fix it. I did what any girl of 2014 does and I looked up debt on Pinterest. There a found a link to this article. http://www.thedebtmyth.com/paying-off-more-than-147000-in-debt/. It explained the journey of Jackie, a woman just like me that was once in debt. Unlike Jackie I have a job and have had steady employment for over 10.5 years. If Jackie could pay of debt while unemployed at some points I could do this. Or should I say we could do it.  I understood her process because it mirrored Dave Ramsey's book which I read a few years ago. You pay the smallest amount first and put all extra money into that card. Once that card is paid off you take that regular payment and put it all on the next smallest card, once that card is paid off you take those 2 monthly payments plus all extra money and put it all into the next card. The process is slow at first but once you have freed up a couple items of debt you are throwing larger snowballs at the next item. I've done it before and it worked.  I'm going to do it again.

 

I downloaded the app and imputed all of our debt into the app. This includes car payments and all monies owed. It does not include his student loans or our home loan. Once we conquer these items we will focus on his student loan and then hopefully pay off our house!  I feel relieved to have a plan. And to have it all organized now. To be able to see it and know that it's actually not that bad. Credit card wise it's very manageable.

 

Step #1 was to organize it.

Step #2. Pay minimums to all debts except for the lowest. Put as much as you can into that card until it's paid off. That includes any photography money or side work Nate and I do. I have approximately $600 coming in on Oct 1st for photography. That will payoff card #1 and half of card #2..starting the snowball effect.

Step#3. Stop using credit. This was something I did before last year and a standard we lived by. If we didn't have it in cash we didn't do it. We lost sight of that and debt quickly built up.

Step#4. Cut out extras cost and put toward card #1. For example I sold our Jaguar tickets for the next game last night. $126 in our bank that I can pay towards that account. Nate also found some items around the house he could sell and I'm going to push photography more. I've enjoyed the time off but I need to hustle if I want to see these snowballs flying at this debt!

 

Nothing major has happened and my bank account has $29 until the first but the thought of having a plan now is a small life ring in this mess.

I'm not an alcoholic

FYI: I don't have a drinking problem. These past 3 weeks have been cake. Now I just have to control my intake vs my weight. Finishing up the month alcohol free and will work on that. 

Drowning and I don't know how to stop

I'm over this. I'm over of negative bank accounts and wondering when we will run out of money before pay checks. I'm tired of debt. Of credit cards with no available balance. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems so out of control and I have no idea how this happened.

Nothing is different in our lives. No added expenses. The only thing I can pinpoint it on is taking my sister and her kids in. That helped drive up my credit card debt. School shopping, grocery shopping, dinners for 8, activities for 8, gas for 3. Very slowly the balance went up. In some ways I wish I never let them move in because now I'm the one left with the bill and no thanks on top of that. No relationship on top of that. A big $300 a month bill and a fuck you to go with it. Thanks.

Then buying the house because our only card now had a large balance we had to open other cards to do things that were priorities to the house and yard. My fucking neighbors and that fence. The backyard improvements happened way before we wanted them too.

Now I have no idea what I've paid and what I haven't. I'm scared because of the large amount on my card they are going to cancel it. I just have no idea how to fix any of this anymore. How can I be so broke when we make more money than we have in the past?  I even stopped keeping a checkbook balance because I just don't want to know.

I feel like I need to cut things off but I really have no idea what. We have tried to keep things to a minimum and it still isn't helping. I just feel like I'm drowning and I haven't felt like this since my separation from Matt.....I'm put no this smile and I'm trying to act like everything is okay but it's not. I'm just tired of dog paddling with no sign of shore ahead.

First Weekend Update

Okay here is our weekend update. Weekend number 1 no alcohol.

Friday night was our club social for the propeller club. Nate and I signed in and headed down the porch to the party. At the end of the porch was the drink table. Beer and wine were the only two options. We both looked at each other and talked ourselves into not doing it. "Do you have soda?" I asked.  Soda and a bottle of water it was. After the social instead of going out we stopped at Publix and headed home to our kids by 9pm.

Saturday we hung around the house and did chores. We also got some home improvement jobs finished. It only seemed natural to pull out the drill and a bottle of beer. We both chatted about it while we were completing the work but didn't do it.

Sunday we did yard work and watched the Jaguar game. Again it only seemed natural to finish the yard and sit in a chair and enjoy 1 beer but we passed. And passed again during the Jaguar game. 

Red Gatorade in a wine glass. Still feels like summer. Lol

We honestly thought about it all weekend. Does that mean we have a problem? No, I think it's just an adjustment and since it's a restriction now it's on our mind. It's like when you go on a diet and say you can't eat chocolate. All you think about is chocolate. We made it and we are committed to this challenge. I'm glad we are both on the same page right now. It makes it so much easier to ignore those 4 Sweetwater IPA's and Pumpkin Ale in our fridge.

Update: I'm going to a painting party tonight at a get this...Winery. Okay, stop laughing. They will be handing out free wine samples every 10 minutes for 3 hours. I told Jenn I would be the DD and she had to drink my samples.

I went inside

After my last post I left my computer and went to an AA meeting. I spoke to my husband on the way there about the things I had been feeling and thinking and told him I just wanted to go inside and see what it was about. I had to introduce myself but I didn't say Alcoholic because I don't think that is the right label. I didn't take a chip because I don't know if that is the right step for me. I enjoyed the meeting and the lady speaking was someone I actually knew and assumed all the wrong things about her. The meeting was about humility and it was a great topic to listen to. I left there feeling like I wasn't an Alcoholic but that I was going to stop drinking for 30 days. Not a single ounce. IF that proves to be a problem then obviously I need to take a step back and rethink things.

Just like with Al Anon AA is an amazing thing. For $2 a meeting you get an awesome counseling session.  I think I will attended a couple more. What harm will it do? None but it could enlighten me greatly.

The best part is after pointing out things to Nate about what I considered our bad choices during the past 9 months I could tell it really hit home with him too and he is on board. He didn't argue with me and told me when I said it all together it sounded pretty bad.  We need to make better choices for our family.  I use to be the girl that had 2 or 3 beers but maintained my dignity and grace...now I'm drunk Sabrina. I want to go back to that girl.

My challenges around..a club social tomorrow night, football games, and various dinners. No cheating.

Thirty days starting Sept 9. Ready Set Go!

Taking a step back

I've always had 1 goal and that is to become a better version of myself year after year. Up until the last year I think I've succeeded. Looking back at the last 9 months of 2014 I think I'm failing. How do I fix that? There's only 1 way I know how to and that is to STOP. Stop the things I'm doing that are being toxic in my life. #1. Drinking. Do I have a problem? No, but drinking regardless if you have a problem or not is at a root of a lot of evil and strain in life. I think that my behavior when I drink is disgusting. I think that up until this last year I was able to say my kids haven't seen me drunk and I can't say that now. I don't care if they can tell or not. I can and it's not okay. Drinking cost money which I'm trying to get a hold of and it puts on weight which I'm trying to maintain. Drinking equates to a midnight stop at McDonald's or a greasy breakfast the next day. Drinking is fun in moderation but when it becomes too much of a focus then it's time to say STOP. I don't know how to drink without going overboard because the beer I'm drinking is too strong for my body. I hate the way I feel physically and emotionally afterwards. Maybe I do have a problem. Drinking is a problem for me. If you wake up regretting something the next day doesn't that make it a problem? Now this is the part that scares me. My husband likes it too.  There is no in between for him either. I told him Sunday morning I was done. I had to take a step back and he was very casual about it. If we question a $40 movie night with our son but not $40 in beer that is a problem. I hope this isn't like 2009 for us. I hope this is a problem we can solve together and be on the same page. I'm not saying we are Alcholic but I'm saying I can see where this is all heading. And I want out.

It's going to be hard because our lives are filled with drinking. Jaguar games. Family gatherings. Dinners with friends. How do I avoid those situations without causing a big Sabrina doesn't want to hang out with us fight again? Do I make a declaration? Or does that make it obvious that I think there is an issue? Or am I avoiding a declaration because I don't want someone to hold me accountable? After all there is a Jaguar game in 2 weeks and of course I want to drink.

Ugh I hate this. I hate that there is a persona of Drunk Sabrina. I hate that I've let my guard and class down. What do I do now? How do I move forward but still live in the same settings. The reason I like this blog is because as I type by the end of a blog I come to some realizations. I've realized by the end of this blog there is a problem. Drinking is a problem for me. I can't believe I just typed that.