If only it was that easy

"Why not just make a life style change, stick to it and then you won't need surgery?" Really! Why didn't I think of that? I could have saved 10 years of my fat years if I only thought of that before now. Number of times I've heard that to date since my big choice. Twice. I'm sure it won't be the last. If it was that easy I would have done it already. Everytime I've lost weight I've put it back on plus more. I need to do this. I want to do this. I'm going to do it. Jump on the support me train or get left at the station and hold your thoughts and opion to yourself please :)

Month 1

Check in with Dr. Love. Current weight 281. That's down 1.1 pounds from last month. (It's the little things that matter) My blood pressure was good. I'm going to start on a half dose of phentermine a day for the next month and see if that helps my appetite and boost my metabolism. We also talk about the 5 No's again and he said No means NO. Whole grain is not allowed. If I'm going to eat anything a small potato would be okay because it will fill me but not cause the up and down cravings bread or pasta will.

We also discussed my goal weight. He said that between the next 6 months, exercises, maintaining a 1400 calorie diet, controlling my insulin, and weight loss surgery I should be able to reach 140 with no problem. He then went on to say that based on my height 180 would probably be a good weight. It still think that sounds high and too close to 200 for me. I would like to be around 160.

So, here goes my 2nd month. I'm hoping to use the elliptical more. 100 calorie burn is what we are aiming for our 1 mile a day. And control my food intake. Wish me luck!

Day 2 Nate's Body by Vi

Current weight 208.8

His goal 175

He is on day 2 of a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch. He is adding frozen fruit to the shakes and they are deliscious. He said they were alright. But to him everything is alright. He needs to buy some healthy snack for inbetween breakfast and lunch but other than that I think he's good to go. We are coming up to the hardest part to me which is the weekend. I wonder how he's going to do or what he's going to do if we are out and about. I know he can stick with this and drop those pounds quickly. He's even showed some interest in the treadmill! I'm so very proud of him and he's motivating me to get my act together.

Scale

281.5

2nd yummy shake down. Oh, if there was ever a need for sarcasim font that would be now.

What's shakin'?

Besides the ground between VA & PA. I still can't believe there was a 5.8 magnitude earthquake in VA this past week. Hurricane Irene is out there brewing and now an earthquake? Sign from God, the start of the zombie Apocalypse???

What's also shakin' starting today is my breakfast and lunch. You might remember in this post I discussed the 1400 calorie diet Dr. Love said that I needed to be on for the next 6 months. I've struggled trying to accomplish that. I thought that the way I can reach my 1400 calorie rule is by having a shake in the morning and a shake for lunch. Nate purchased this Maxmuscle High 5 Protein Shake and didn't use all of it. I figured why not? I made 10 ounces this morning with 2% milk. (The gas station didn't have skim milk) and let me say it wasn't delicious. I guess I was expecting it to taste like a McDonald's milk shake but that was just my silly fat brain not being smart. I'm still going to suck up the not so yummy taste and stick with it for at least until I meet with my doctor again on Sept. 8. I need to lose something for my weight in.

Nate Dogg is on the Body by Vi shake challenge. We just signed him up this morning. He will drink a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch and then a normal dinner and snacks. Our friend Tina has lost 16 pounds in 2 months. I want Nate to be on the road towards fitness because as soon as I have my surgery they weight loss will happen rapidly for me. I don't want to leave him behind. He mentioned using the elliptical last night. :) Makes me excited that he is ready to get on this train with me.

I ate what????

1400 calorie diet? FAIL
1 mile a day? FAIL

I have to get my shit together. We just went grocery shopping yesterday and that will help me with my goals. I'm also going to take the doctor's offer to be on phentermine the next few months. The amount of food I eat is ridiculous! Nate is such a good husband and has never uttered a word about my eatting habits but this weekend he called me out on it. Not in a rude or mean manner he just mentioned something about 4 piece of pieces..(okay maybe it was 5. I don't really remember), left over Orange chicken, and cheeseits? Really? Talk about a fat ass. That can't be a turn on for my husband to watch his fat ass wife shovel that kind of food into her mouth. If the phentermine will help my appeitite and limit the amount of food I'm eatting then I'm willing to do it.

Emotional madness

Nate had made plans for us to go to his friend's green card party a few weeks ago. The night before the green card party I started to panic. I didn't even realize what I was doing until around 2pm Saturday. Friday night I tried to get out of going to the party by using my son as an excuse. "Oh, I don't spend enough time with him. You go to the party and I can take him out to a movie." Nate got annoyed but said we would talk about it in the morning. The next morning I tried the same thing and I pretty much had him convinced. He was being selfish and I should get to take Ethan out. When I went shopping later that day I started thinking of why I really why I didn't want to go. The real reason wasn't because of Ethan or Nate. It was because I was embarrassed. Here is my good looking husband dragging around his fat wife. I feel like getting a shirt that says, "I won't be fat long!" I feel like everyone else in the world is smaller than me. I'm the Goodyear blimp roaming the streets. I'm embarrassed to go out. To try to squeeze past someone in a crowded spot. I'm ashamed of myself.

It's not an easy thing to say or admit to either. Nate wouldn't understand how I felt. In his sick twisted mind I'm beautiful. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel like I'm worth very much right now. Just a big nasty mess.

I sucked it up. I came home and told Nate that I would go and I'm glad that I did. I did have a fun time. He had a fun time. I still felt like I was being judged and I hate that. I just wanted to disappear. May could not come soon enough. :-\

Ugh

That expains how I feel about this picture. I'll take a picture in this same shirt that is obviously hugging the crap out of me every month during this journey. I will also take a picture in front of the same door so we can see how much more of the door we will be able to see a year from now.

I probably shouldn't have labeled it because it brought tears to my eyes. So disgusting. We are going to a friends party tonight and I don't want to go. I want to stay home and hide. I really don't want to go with all those skinny girls. :(

Dressing the Excess

In my vivid imagination I imagine that after my surgery all my excess skin will just melt away and the skinny chic inside of me will be revealed. In my reality I know I will be left with excess skin in my belly, arms and legs. I know I also have a couple options with how to deal with this cruel reality. 1.) Fly to Mexico and have one of those fabulous cheap doctors get rid of all of it. Which my husband has already said, "Hell to the nah, " to. Even if I had it done here in the states, it is going to leave some very large and semi-visible scars. 2.) Deal with it. I can be thankful for losing the weight and use that as my reminder of what I could still be like. I can dress the excess to make me happy.

Remember in this post I mentioned a few of my goals. This is how I plan on dressing the excess while achieving those goals and rocking the new me. :)

#17 Wear knee high boots. I love the nautical feel of the strips and jacket in this outfit. I also like the stable/western look of the black boots.

#16 Go to the Beach. This bathing suit is perfect for me. I like a deep V to show off the girls. (Hmm. I wonder if they will still be around? Note to self: google Mexican boob job) Anyhow I also like that it will show off my new shape. I love the straps. It reminds me of a retro style suit from the 50's & 60's.

#12 "Fun"things with my husband. Did you think that was a PG goal? That goal is for all the things I've been to shy to do before. ;) ;) Completely Rated R!

Push up corset for my girl that will probably leave me. Coverage for the belly area.

More coverage for the belly but still very sexy.


#9 Wear shorts. I haven't worn shorts since before Ethan was born. I live in FL! I've worn capris and knee length shorts but I haven't worn girly shorts in 11 years! I can't wait!

I love this outfit. It achieves my shorts goal but also will help cover up my upper arms. I could wear cap sleeves or slightly longer.

This outfit screams FL vacation to me! Light blue is probably one of my favorite colors and I love how light and airy it feels for these warm 99 degree days. Also again this light cardigan can cover my upper arms.

I know these aren't shorts but I think I could pull this off during the fall before it gets too cool. Again because of my job I love the nautical feel of this.

#7 Shop at the Gap, Banana Republic, Express

Right now I shop at Lane Bryant 90% of the time. It's the only store I've shopped at basically in 11 years. My husband loves to shop but I hate it because the store he can fit into I can't. It's torture. Most days I think I dress like a slob. This isn't me. This poorly dressed person. I can't wait to dress for who I really am.

I don't know about the pink heels but I love this outfit for work.


Another favorite! See the arm cover up?

I could see me wearing this outfit on a marketing trip or seminar.

#14 Wear a skirt to work. Last time I did that was....2003. When I moved to FL I was a size 14/16. I bought a skirt and wore it to work a few dozen times. I felt great when I wore it. Before that was probably 2000. I'm not a huge skirt person but I would love the option to feel more like a girl and not one wearing a parachute of garbage bag.

I love this outfit because it's not Britney Spear's short but also covers the upper arms.

thanks to Pinterest I have 56 pieces of my vivid imagination pinned. All images are from my board.

1400 CAL NO CARB DIET

NO POTATOES, DESSERTS, RICE, PASTA, OR BREAD.

Hmmmmm. The 1400 calorie example menu that the fabulous Dr. Love game me includes, whole wheat toast, whole wheat crackers, , oatmeal, whole wheat bread, whole wheat pasta, but in pen is written the dreaded 5 No's. No rice? My boss just told me that whole wheat pastas are allowed. I'm going to try that this month. Switching to only whole wheat pasta's and see what Dr. Love says in a month.

I'm don't think I'm going to start this today. I'm not prepared. I have no idea what to cook for dinner tonight. Or even what to eat at lunch. I think I need to do some research and menu planning. I don't want to jump into this right now and feel like I failed when I eat hamburger helper tonight.

I need to find a few self-help weight loss surgery books. You know how I love a good self-help book. Off to search and work!

I think I'm in love

This morning was my first visit with Dr. Love, I mean Dr. Joe. He was wonderful!!!! He was so positive and upbeat. For the next 6 months I will go visit with him and record all of the items I listed below. The idea is to retrain your pancreas, brain, and stomach. He will work on my pancreas and brain. Surgery will obvious fix my stomach. (Warning: I'm awful at medical jargon and terms and will probably mess some of this stuff up) I'm going to be on a 1400 calorie diet for the next 6 months. I'm suppose to stay away from POTATOES, DESSERTS, RICE, PASTA, BREAD. (what about the 12 boxes of hamburger helper I just bought!) This will help retrain my pancreas to not crave evening snacks and junk. Walk a mile each day. Retrain the brain and stimulate my metabolism.

He asked me about going back on phentermine to help with the weight loss but I said no. 2 reasons. I don't want to lose too much weight during this next 6 months and not be eligible for surgery. The second reason is too personal to put even on a page that no one reads :)

My blood pressure was 140/90. Not too bad but the bottom number is not good. He switched my medicine to Benazepril-Hydrachlorothiazide. (Whatever that means!)

I left with such a better feeling than I had with my previous doctor. This guy gets it. His staff gets it. Day one of my journey begins!!!

Oh, and I felt great until I walked off the elevator and this woman looked down at my stomach. I know she was thinking, "Is she pregnant or isn't she?" Blah!

Current weight: 282.2

Weight Loss Goals

I'm sure this will be on ongoing goal list. I will updated it as I achieve or add things to my list.

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds
2. Weight: 145. This is my goal. This will change once I speak to my doctor.
3. Take Family pictures
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan
9. Wear shorts
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark)
17. Wear knee high boots
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate

Then you will be pretty

We just came home from a 4 day vacation in Virginia Beach. Actually it was half vacation and half work since I had a handful of photography sessions during the weekend. I saw people that I haven't seen since high school. All extra 120 pounds of me. I felt like screaming I won't be fat foor too much longer. Or I'm going to require these same people to see me in a year and a half from now. lol Anyhow, when I walked into my Mom's house my Lola asked if I was pregnant. Nice. Why can't I get fat width ways instead of looking like I'm pregnant? I told my parents and Lola what I was planning on doing in May. They all seemed very supportive but you never know with them. Anyhow, on my last day while eating lunch with my Lola she pointed out that after I had surgery I will be pretty. I just said yes. I thought I was pretty now. I thought my Grandmother and mother would think I'm pretty now. I guess I was wrong. Part of me wants to defend them. After all I'm fat. But c'mon! Who says that to their granddaughter or children? I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I know that sometimes I look pretty. I guess not to my family.

Tomorrow is my first doctors appointment with Dr. Joseph Czerkawski. I'm very excited to start this six month process. I'm going to remind myself to stay positive and to be patience. I'm ahead of the game already.

I also opened a fortune cookie last night that said something like, "Keep you plans a secret for now." It's funny how my boys could have open that cookie. Or I could have thrown it away since it had been there for 5 days but I opened it and I felt like the message was directed to me.

The story of the fat

I wouldn't say that I was always fat because now looking back at myself pre-Ethan I wouldn't consider myself fat. I was a size 14, around 170 pounds at 20 years old. I could wear almost anything I wanted and look good in it. Shit that summer I was even wearing a bikini to the beach! I was a size 13-14. During my size 14 years, I tried slim fast drinks to lose weight. I didn't exercise but I was out at the clubs dancing almost every night! While pregnant with Ethan I remember the day I went over 200 pounds. My ex-husband made a comment about it at my doctors visit. At that time I still didn't feel fat. I was carrying a baby. I had high blood pressure and lots of water retention. After I delivered Ethan I lost 20 pounds of the 60 I had put on. That still put me at 220 by 21 years old. Again looking back at pictures of me holding Ethan I didn't look fat as I felt. Oh, what I would give to be back at 220. :) After that it just started to happen gradually. 220, 240 when I met Nate. 250-260 for a long time. 8 years ago I tried weight watchers and failed miserably. I think I lost a total of 4lbs and thought it was a waste of time after a month. In 2005 I tried phentermine and vitamins. I lost 25 pounds but the cost of the vitamins and prescription was close to $150 a month. It was an expense I didn't want to keep paying and stopped. Hello 25 pounds! In 2008, I joined Anytime Fitness. I went maybe 10 times and lost 0 pounds...obviously. $400 down the drain. In 2009, I joined the gym with my boss. I tried eating healthy. I was actually going to the gym. I went from the end of June until October. I even worked out during one of my business trips. But I saw very little weight loss and with Linda's sickness I slowly stopped going. I liked the feeling of working out. Of getting that sweat dripping off my head. It felt great!!! But I didn't see any results and I got discouraged and eventually stopped.

2010 (250-260): During my pregnancy with Lorelei I gained 25 pounds. At my 6 week post appointment I was back to my post pregnancy weight. 11 months later I'm back at 283. It's 100% my fault. Nate & I have been eating like crap. I bought a treadmill in March and I used it a few times but could never schedule in a good time to do it. When I got home from work, dinner, dishes, baby, it was 8:30 before I got to sit down and I was tired. Even though I'm typically a morning person, since Lorelei's birth I haven't been. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I want sleep. So, if she sleeps in until 7:30am, I'm sleeping until 7:30am. I'm not making the time to burn off what I'm putting in. Now, I feel fat! I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel sorry for my husband. I feel embarrassed for my son. I want it gone. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to stand up tall and not try to disappear when I walk into a home. I want to be happy with me.

My choice

I'm fat. Well actually I'm not just fat, I'm morbidly obese. How disgusting is that? I've made a choice. In May I'm going to elect to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I understand that I'm choosing to have surgery to fix something that I might be able to fix by shutting my pie hole and getting on a treadmill but the truth is I've tried. I've struggled and I'm gaining more weight. The truth is I'm killing myself. The longer I am fat, no morbidly obese, the more years I'm taking off of my life. The more time I'm letting slip through my fingers with my husband and my beautiful children. I'm ready for a new life for me and my family.

The journey won't be easy. Don't be fooled to think that I'm taking the easy way out. The insurance carrier requires that I participate in a minimum of six months weight-management program that documents that following components:
Vital Signs
Dietary Program
Physical Activity
Behavior intervention to reinforce healthy eating & exercise habits

I must also have a psychological evaluation. Wonder if I will pass that? :)

The out of pocket expense is going to be around $6,000. That price alone has been a struggle with me. $6,000 on myself? I could spend that money on my kids or husband. But I keep reminding myself that this isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

For the next 9 months I'm going to document my journey though this blog. After the surgery I'm going to document my choice. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be filled with ups and downs. That I will face challenge. With the support of my husband I know that I will reach my goal. To live my life.

Current Stats: Weight-283.3 BMI:41.8