Nate had made plans for us to go to his friend's green card party a few weeks ago. The night before the green card party I started to panic. I didn't even realize what I was doing until around 2pm Saturday. Friday night I tried to get out of going to the party by using my son as an excuse. "Oh, I don't spend enough time with him. You go to the party and I can take him out to a movie." Nate got annoyed but said we would talk about it in the morning. The next morning I tried the same thing and I pretty much had him convinced. He was being selfish and I should get to take Ethan out. When I went shopping later that day I started thinking of why I really why I didn't want to go. The real reason wasn't because of Ethan or Nate. It was because I was embarrassed. Here is my good looking husband dragging around his fat wife. I feel like getting a shirt that says, "I won't be fat long!" I feel like everyone else in the world is smaller than me. I'm the Goodyear blimp roaming the streets. I'm embarrassed to go out. To try to squeeze past someone in a crowded spot. I'm ashamed of myself.
It's not an easy thing to say or admit to either. Nate wouldn't understand how I felt. In his sick twisted mind I'm beautiful. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel like I'm worth very much right now. Just a big nasty mess.
I sucked it up. I came home and told Nate that I would go and I'm glad that I did. I did have a fun time. He had a fun time. I still felt like I was being judged and I hate that. I just wanted to disappear. May could not come soon enough. :-\
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