My husband and I don't fight much. We argue. We bicker. I tell him I'm not speaking to him while I'm trying to hide my smile and we move on. We've done enough fighting in the past to get us through the next few years. The one thing we do fight about is his health. During my run with Chrissy yesterday I told her that he will die. That I realize that. If he doesn't change he will die before me. I didn't cry. I didn't get choked up. I was stating a fact. Yesterday when John and I were talking about age differences and Nate being so much younger than his brothers and sister he said he was going to have to face a lot of heart break watching his family pass away and I said no I didn't think. Nate will pass away before them. Just stating a fact. I know this in my heart. I've been dealing with this fear for over 5 years and I guess I've accepted it. At this moment I believe that I will be a widow before any of my friends.
It' makes me so mad. It makes me mad that I have to remind him to go to the doctor. I have to remind him that he has an issue. He isn't like everyone else. He has to eat better. He has to be active or he will die. I hate that I have to yell and scream that at him. Doesn't he love us? Doesn't he want to see his son and daughter get married. See them become parents. Doesn't he want to grow old with me and do all the things we've talked about? Or is he just so selfish and lazy and accepting of his fate that he would rather do what he wants and enjoy the time he has.
Today he went to see Dr. Joe (aka Dr. Love). A doctor's appointment that was about a month overdue. He said Dr. Joe was tough on him. Told him no heart attacks on his watch. He wants him on a 1800 calorie diet. No potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, deserts. He wants him exercising every day. He told him to come back in 3 months and he wants him down 5 pounds. He told him everything in his belly is from the carbs. Nate told me all of this and what he "has" to do but I think by lunch time he will forget all about it. I told him to download the MyFitness app and keep track of his calorie and activity dairy for an entire month and he can by himself a gift at the end of the month. I'm almost willing to bet that by Monday he will forget about all of the above. I'm sure at this point some people are thinking, "Give him the benefit of the doubt." I have. I've listened to all of this before. I'm his wife. I've listen to him complain about himself and what he "needs" or "has" to do. I've never seen him stick with it. Not even for a week. I'm tired of hearing just words. They lose their value. I'm not like that with him. When I tell him I'm going to do something I do it. My words hold value to him and others. I think my heart has done what it needs to do when he couldn't do what he needed to do. It's harden. My world will shatter one day. My husband will have another heart attack. Nobody has just one. It could kill him or it could scare him straight. But at this point from what I've seen it's what I believe will happen.
You could also say, "C'mon Bre. He stood by you." We are not equals. He has heredity issues that could drop him dead right now. When I'm mad at him and I don't kiss him goodbye I instantly regret it in the car because I fear that today can be the day. If I don't hear from him for hours at at time. I always go there. The thoughts the fears are always in my head. He is not equal to the guys he's eating lunch with, his heart is broken. His cholesterol is broken and he has to work harder than all of us to be healthy. I know it's unfair but it's his life. I tried so hard to yell and argue to make him see it. To make him care but I can't. I can just do me and prepare. Prepare myself for the day I lose my husband and my children lose their father. If he doesn't do something that day will come sooner than later.
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