Lack of control=Crazy Sabrina

I know when I feel like I have a lack of control in things I go nuts. Especially my emotions. I find comfort in organizing my life and my family's daily lives. So step one was going out to buy a calendar. 

Step 2: creating menu with Nate & kids. They have to be involved. This is going to be their lives the next 3 weeks. They need to pick meals that will work for the 3 of them based on their schedules. 

Simple food. 

Step 3: Sunday go shopping 

Step 4: Family meeting on Sunday.  Talk about what is done when. Put on a

Chart so Nate doesn't have to memorize everything.

Step 5: what bills he has to pay on the 1st.

Overwhelmed

I'm not nearly done. In the next 30 days I will be in Jacksonville for 5 days. During that time I'm expected to get some new business on the books. Along with work obligation I have to be confident that my husband can do his daily routine plus mine. The planning, the accountability, our kids, our schedules, dinners, homework, laundry, picking up, yard stuff, & so much more.

Am I going to come home to a messy house, piles of clean clothes, dirty clothes, missed activities, missed homework, and things I can't undo? 

Freaking the fuck out! I have 3 days left in Jacksonville before I leave for 2 weeks to another fucking country. On a different time zone. How can I call to wake them up? And instead of making list and getting things ready I'm typing dumb ass blogs. 

Ya think all of this has to do with the way I feel towards my husband right now? I truly feel like this man has zero idea how much it takes to run this house. To manage the kids during the day after school, the amount of stuff we get done before he even gets home. And my damn kids when I'm gone like to forget! They don't want to tell him what they do. Ugh! 

I got to get going!!!

Happily Ever After....at times.

I warned you there was a brain dump coming up. I hold a lot in. I have a lot on my mind and plate on most days. When the "stuff" in my brain becomes more negative than routine I have to get it out or I will fucking explode!

Disclaimer: I'm not getting a divorce. I'm happily married most of the time. These are just my thoughts. 

I'm going to be 100% honest at this very moment I don't know how I feel about my marriage.  I hope this is a normal feeling. What I'm most concerned about is this is a feeling I've been having more and more and expressed to my husband and nothing has changed.

I understand that the people I've know who have been married for 30 years said there are ebbs and flows of a relationship. I get that. I get that there are going to be down times. What I'm concerned about is that down times and feelings for me are all the same things.  What that shows me is A.) these feelings aren't going away B.) He doesn't care enough to change them 

I also know that I'm not the girl that just sticks. I want happiness. I want equality. I want a partner in life. I want passion. I want understanding. I want support. I want the truth. I want communication. I want my partner to push me to be a better person. I want movement and growth.  I know I'm a tough girl but sometimes I would like him to be more tough than me.

If I've rolled my eyes more than I've laughed in the last month...isn't that a bad sign. Or just part of the ebbs and flows of marriag.

The fear of failing and growing up

Please bare with me because I feel like my mind is filled with shit and emotion right now. I feel like if I don't get this crap all out I might blow up on someone.

The biggest concern I have right now is my son. He's no longer and baby and his future is right there on the edge. The small choices he is making will make a huge impact in his life and I'm scared he doesn't understand the importance of it. I'm scared he might not be a hard worker. I'm scared that he might not be a big dreamer. I'm scared that I've screwed up somewhere along the way. Did I not hold him to the mat long enough. Has his life not been discipline enough? Am I overreacting? Will he figure it out? Should he have figured it out by now?

And with all of this. All this worry and anger at him. Disappointment. Concern. I feel this overall sadness. I miss my boy. I miss my 3 year old. I miss my 6 year old. The 9 year old who would play nerf guns with me. The 11 year old that would dance in the car with me. I've never felt so disconnected and uncool to him. Like the last thing in the world he wants to do is be with me. That I'm not the fun one. I'm not the sports one. I'm the accountable one. Will he realize that one day or will he just think his mom was no fun?

My sisters are raising babies. I feel like I have stuff in common with them but they don't have anything in common with me. Raising a teenager is so hard. Not on the amount of sleep you get but on your heart. I love him so much and I just want the best for him. I just wish I felt like he understood that. I never thought that I would sit in front of my son and cry. Cry because he has broken my heart. Cry because I feel like he is a liar. Cry because I have fears for him and I can longer make it better. And as much as I appreciate the advise from my sisters I know that they can't understand because I didn't understand. I didn't understand with my own friends went through this. I judged them and gave them advise when I really had no clue. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back. To hold him longer. To curl up on the couch with him again. I miss him.

It's made me appreciate my parents now. Its made me understand the anger they had towards us when we screwed up. It wasn't filled with anger as much as it was with disappointment, fear, and losing faith in the fight and maybe the disappointment you feel within yourself as a parent, as a failure. I'm in no way saying the tactics were right but what I'm saying is that I'm a mom that has tried every emotion possible and one day I fear he is going to say, "My mom wasn't a good mom." That just like we have judged our parents he will do the same. That in 3 short years he could leave. He could not attend college. He could marry some girl and never come back. That he could find it a burden to visit me. That fear makes me feel bad for my parents. I think about the times I've cut them off or haven't put in an effort and it makes me sad that it could happen to me. Sooner than later.

So, what do I do? I can't give up. I promised him when he turned 13 that I would walk beside him at times, behind him at times, and sometimes I would drag him from the front BUT one way or another we would get through these teenage years together. Do I care if he becomes a doctor? No. But I've always committed to him becoming a good man. If it takes all I have in me. I don't have a choice.

Cruise Lesson and Tips

Every time I plan a trip with my family I always learn something. If I wasn't an organized person I don't think I would have been able to enjoy myself. I think it would have cost us more money and not a run a smoothly. The hiccups that did occur barely hit our radar.

So here is my list of what I think we did well.

Money: We knew when we booked the trip that the cost alone was just step one of what we were going to pay out of pocket. We paid our cruise off in October with the expectation of gifting the cruise as part of our kids Christmas gift.

1. Watch the cruise prices after you book: Carnival will prices match current offers. Nate kept a close eye on the pricing and contacted Kristen every time there was a promotion. It resulted in $280 in room credits.
2. Luggage: We were going to need additional luggage for the kids. We included this in our Christmas budget and surprise for the kids.
3. Christmas gifts: I worked bathing suits, flip flops, dress ups, snorkels, and cash into the kids Christmas gifts. I suggested snorkel sets for each of the kids from family. Their lanyards for the S&S cards were gifted from Marie. Money from my mom Ethan saved as the start of his cruise fund.
4. Research the Excursions: Thanks to forums like Cruise Critics you can research each port and even your exact ship. Through the site I was able to book each excursion outside of the ship saving almost $50 per person in the DR and $75 per person in Aruba. Total Excursion price in DR: $343 including trip, taxi, and captain tip. Aruba: $89 including trip and taxi
5. Spending money: A cruise is all inclusive up to a certain point. For our family we planned an extra $1,500 in spending money. To pay for the excursions and extras. Extras: Gambling, coffee shop, pictures, souvenirs, Camp Ocean from 10pm-1am, ect. Split your spending money between your credit card and cash. Then split your cash into smaller bills for tipping drivers, stewards, ect.
6. The cruise includes food and water/juices/lemonade. We promised our kids soda during the week so we purchased a soda card for each. You could either pay $3 per glass or purchase a $45 unlimited. You aren't required to purchase the soda card for each person in the cabin so we purchased it only for Lorelei and Ethan. If we wanted a soda they could then grab it for us. (FYI: Each passenger can also bring a case of soda a piece on the ship. If we wanted to save $80 we could have done that but our kids were excited about unlimited soda. I did bring a couple cases on to mix with my drinks.)
1. Cheers Card: Cruise ships now also include drink cards. For $480 you could buy a card that included unlimited coffee, bottle water, powerades, rockstars, and 15 alcoholic drinks a day. If you plan on drinking it is a good deal. The ship also allows each adult to bring one bottle of wine. I forgot mine in the car but Nate brought a bottle of his beer that looks like a wine bottle. If you purchase this item each adult in the room is required to buy it. That would have been an additional $900 for us so we had planned not to do it. BUT since Kim had 2 rooms she was technically the only adult in her room and only required to buy 1 so we split the cost 1 card with her. That allowed for 7-8 drinks per night split between Nate and I along with unlimited coffee. Momma needs her lattes! (If we were required to pay the $900 we wouldn't have done it.)
7. Kids Money: If you are going on vacation you know your kids are going to want to spend money. On a cruise they can spending extra money in the arcade, candy shop, gift store, and build a bear. Starting after Christmas our kids started working to save their money. Ethan had his $100 from my Mom and then he got paid for cleaning and babysitting. Lorelei started cleaning every Friday with her brother and would save her money in her piggy bank. They didn't spend a dime during that time and ended up saving a big chunk of cash for themselves. Yes, it was mostly our money. Yes, I paid them to do chores they would be required to do for free but I would have had to give them money anyhow. At least they had to earn it, save it, and budge it during our vacation. We put each of the  kids money into envelopes and labeled them with their names. Each night before bed Nate would sign into their S&S cards from cabin TV and deduct what they spent and put it into our pile of cash. We never told them no. We let them spend their cash on what they wanted but also held them accountable for their spending. Like Ethan's $50 in the arcade the first night. On shore days, they would tell us how much of their money to bring and Nate would hold it for them and be their bankers.  Ethan ended up spending 75% of his money and Lorelei spent 20% of hers.

Media Package: At first we were against this. We enjoy turning off our phones for the week and locking them into the safe during our cruise but this time we did purchase the media package on only Nate's phone. The purpose being to keep in touch with Marie and Kim while on board via FB messenger and to keep track of our new friends while on board.  To communicate with Ethan I brought a stick pad and dry erase board and I would write notes and leave them on the door. It worked perfectly.

Items I'm glad I packed:

1.  Highlighter (we reviewed the fun times kids events each morning and highlighted the things we wanted to do. I then carried them with me all day so we knew when/where/what was going on)
2. 2 beach towels: The ship provides beach towels for you to use on and off the ship but if not returned they cost $22 a piece. I don't trust my kids so we bought our own and they had to keep track of their specific towels all week.
3. Decorations for the Door: It was fun. Kids loved it BUT it also helped Lorelei recognized which room was ours. 
   
4. Sticky Notepads: See above
5. Long sleeve: evening on the ships can get chilly. It was nice having comfy long sleeves some nights
6. Snorkel sets- Most beaches would charge $5-15 for snorkel set rentals. Our kids received as a Christmas gift and used at each island for free.
7. Life jacket- We brought Lorelei's life jacket to help her snorkel. This was something we learned during our cruise with Ethan. a 5 year old has an issue floating, breathing, swimming, all at once. The life jacket helped her float and be able to focus on snorkeling.
8. Over the door shoe rack: Genius. Organized. I will never go on another cruise without one.

Room Service: Use it. Enjoy it. It's free. It's 24 hours. After our island days we would sometimes come back on board and order a couple sandwiches. Ethan and his friends ordered it at all hours of the day or night. They have the best BLTs. And you already read how we used it for Grand Turks along with the morning on leaving the ship.

Easter:  I'm glad I was organized and planned ahead for that day. Lorelei doesn't understand there isn't magic to it. It allowed us to come back into town and still have some sort of holiday.

Organized Dinner outfits: I know it seemed extreme to organize each night and then even assign a set per night based on excursion schedules but it was so helpful! My family looked great and it was a no brainer. No arguing. Bickering. What do I wear? I took out the 4 hangers every night and everybody was set. I also knew that my kids after spending 6-7 hours on an excursion wouldn't want to put on their most dressed up outfits so I planned easy sundresses and shorts/polos for those evening. 

And yes, I still like to dress up on dinner nights. Some of our fellow cruisers seemed more relaxed but to me you are sitting down in a formal dining room. Put on a nice sundress and a collared shirt for the boys. A little bit of effort never hurt any one and it makes for nice pictures.

When packing for the kids we also made sets for each day..That made for easy grab and go for every morning.

Tip your Josie:  When we get on a ship one of our top priorities is to introduce ourselves to our room steward and hand her $20. She then makes sure you have cold ice in your room for the beer you smuggled in. :) Yes, she knows we smuggled it in. No she does not care. Each night should would make sure they were cold for us. You can also ask her to clean out the fridge of the mini bar stuff and fill it with your own carried on sodas. Just make sure to tell you kids not to touch the stuff from the fridge!

What I would do different:

More shirts/underwear: One day 7 I skipped breakfast and sat outside of the laundry room and washed some clothes for my kids. They were running low and shirts and underwear. Especially Ethan. I would have packed more to avoid the laundry. It cost me about 80 minutes of my time and $8 in cash. (I got to read my book while I waited and Nate brought me my favorite breakfast from the dining room and he took Lorelei swimming while I finished up)

Tuxes: I choose to carry on the tuxes because I was worried they would get wrinkled or lost. In the future I would toss those bad boys in the garment bags. They were a pain to carry.

Things I should have packed: Baby powder (For the boys), heavy hair conditioner (the sun and salt water was harsh on all our hair), Nail polish-to fill in the chips of my gel nails towards the end of the week, Nail file- for the chips and dings from the week.

Room Selection: We didn't need 2 rooms and we managed with zero issues in our inside cabin but on our next cruise I would probably upgrade to an ocean view ONLY because it would allow for a tad bit more space. Even though it would pain us because we would miss the glorious darkness an interior room provides.

Let them be:  As a mom that likes spending time with my kids I had a hard time with this one. We did this well but I think I would have prepared myself for it more. I really thought Ethan would want to spend more time with us. By day 7 it kinda hurt my feelings that he didn't but I didn't want to ruin their fun or force them to spend time with us. At one point a saw a teenage boy "hanging out" with his parents. He was sitting at a seperae table and looking miserable having lunch "together". Or I saw a parent dragging their child around but they were playing on a handheld device. I had to remind myself that this is their vacation too. If they wanted to sleep in and stay out late (within reason) even though to me it made no sense it's what he wanted to do. 

It did make for some good one on one time with Nate and I. 

I think that's it! I hope you enjoyed the quick summary. It was literally a brain dump that I haven't read though. Sorry about the improper grammar or English. Deal with it!

Day 9: Bye Conquest

7:15am. "Room Service"

On the last night of the cruise the room steward always leave your disembarking information on your bed along your zone number. We had number 17. You are scheduled to leave anytime between 8am to 11am the next morning depending on when you zone is called.

I had placed a room service sheet our door the evening before to be delivered Saturday morning. I hate to stand in line at the breakfast buffet with 1,000 other people on the last day. I ordered a mix of cereal, bagels, fruit plates, muffins, and juices for us and the kids. We woke up and one by one took showers and laid back down in bed. I kept the door cracked and waited for our zone to be called. Typically people move to the upstairs common areas and wait for their numbers. The cleaning staff likes to get into the rooms as quickly as possible to prepare for the next cruisers. We were able to get an extra hour or so of sleep and relaxing by hiding in our room. At 10am Josie asked us to leave the rooms and at 10:10 our zone number was called. 

You leave the ship by scanning your S&S card one final time and then head to the luggage zone. It is so organized we found our luggage right away and proceeded to the customs line. We were out in the shuttle area pretty quickly. This is where we waited.  It took about 45 minutes for our turn on the shuttle. Again it was very organized but not enough shuttles for the amount of passengers for this particular park and go.

We loaded into the car and began our journey home. The kids slept on and off. My husband tried to sleep on and off but he was driving. At the half way point we stopped at 7-11 for 5 taquitos, hotdog, 2 bags of chips, honey bun, monsters, Gatorade, and mountain dew. $20 of  random food because we were all tired of eating fancy food.

We arrived home pretty quickly. No traffic. No extra stops. It was Easter morning and Lorelei was excited to see what the Easter bunny would leave us. Yes, the Easter bunny magically came to our house while we were away. Or a prepared Momma shopped for the baskets, separated each basket per person and bagged them up. Hid them in the house sitter's closets and instructed her to hide them Sunday morning before she left for the day. 

Easter Dinner: We had originally planned to have dinner at a friends house but the week before our departure the idea of coming home, getting dressed, and socializing after a long week and trip home sound exhausting. I went ahead and purchased some nice NY strips steaks for us for dinner prior to leaving and asked Lauren to put them in the fridge prior to her leaving. We had perogies and I made a quick green bean casserole with deviled eggs. It was quick. It was simple. It was our Easter dinner.

The kids unpacked the bags for me while I sat on the couch and watched every missed Bravo series. Thank you loves! They also wrote a list of all the items they loved and were thankful for during the cruise. We sat down at dinner and discussed our list and trip with a final rewind. 

The kids had one more day of vacation the next day but I still sent them to bed at 8pm. My kids needed sleep and so did we!

Day 8: Sea Day: We do what we want

This morning was our Dr. Seuss breakfast that we had signed up for back on Day 1. Ethan had told us the night before that he would be grumpy and not really interested in attending our 8:30am reservation. I didn't want to force him so I asked Skyler if he wanted to go. He said no but Fisher jumped in that he would! Despite the 1am bed time Fisher was wide awake and ready to go. Miss Lorelei on the other hand had to be dragged to it. Once she got to the restaurant she perked right up. That girl isn't a morning person I tell you.

The Dr. Seuss breakfast was so cute. The dining room looked great and Fisher was such a great fill in big brother. The menu was designed after a Dr. Seuss book. The food all were named after Dr. Seuss related names. We had borrowed a shirt from Mia so Lorelei could follow the Dr. Seuss theme.

 

Fisher and I ordered the "Fox in the Socks Steak and Eggs" Lorelei ordered the "Truffula Tree Pancakes, and Nate ordered the "Scrambled Super- dee Dooper-dee-Booger Special de a la Peter Te Hooper Omellette...all the way. During our breakfast the staff did a song and dance and then one by one the characters came out. The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and 2, Sam I am. and somebody else. My meal was the most perfect meal to fill my stomach and become tired again. Lorelei and I had already decided that we would eat breakfast and take our naps early. That's exactly what we did. Ate, took pictures, thanked Fisher, and everybody went back to bed until 11am. 

Ethan and the whole teen crew slept until 11am. Missed breakfast. Missed their last day of vacation but did what they wanted to. He showered quickly and work up his squad and went to eat hamburgers for breakfast. By now Ethan was eating a minimum of 2 hamburgers a day for lunch. The burger was called the Ringer and had an onion ring and bbq sauce on it. So damn good but can't beat the street tacos. Lorelei woke up and had some afternoon activities that she wanted to attend at camp. Painting, making t-shirts, and some arts n crafts. While Lorelei was in camp Nate and Ethan went and check out a the watch deal and Ethan pulled the trigger and 2 new watches. He looked like a little grown up with them on and was so serious about picking one up. I laid in bed and read my book. I was at that portion of my book were I was so close to the end I didn't want to stop reading and there was nothing on the fun times that I wanted to do. I also knew that Nate had an itching every since popping his chair last night to go play cards so we all went our separate ways. Eventually when I got hungry I got up and went upstairs to eat tacos and find a quiet spot to read. Then I found Nate and we picked Lorelei up around 1pm so they could eat lunch. Nate wanted burgers, Lorelei wanted pizza, and a salad, and 2 ice cream cones. We watched Daddy eat his burger but she was getting a little tired so she carried her lunch back to her room so I could read to her and she could take a 10 minute nap. 2 hours later I was finished with my book and I woke her up to get in the shower.

Nate and Marie got ready for dinner early and attended a Past Guest Cruise Party while I helped the kids get ready. Correct kid. Ethan was no where to be seen. The whole week he knew he had to be back by 5pm to shower. I left his clothes out with a note and Lorelei went looking for him.  Went looking for him= Stop by the Candy shop. By the time we got back to the room he was showered and partially dressed and apologetic. The three of us went upstairs to walk around before dinner. Ethan showed us a bar/lounge area on the 4th floor that was practically empty. I had no idea that the stair led to anything down there. The bar was quiet. Large with big comfy chairs and played old love songs. It had a grand piano in the center. And it was like walking into a secret world. Ethan said the teens all hung out down there and the bartender didn't mind because they could buy sodas down there from the bar. He said they also let the teens play the piano and that some of the kids could play and would take turns. He order his sister a Shirley temple and then told me about how the bartender in the Lobby Bar loved him and would give him extra cherries in his. He then led  us further town the hall into the art gallery and said they hung out in there sometimes and then in a large open area on the 4th floor.

 

We all sat down for our last cruise dinner. The kids were anxious and again wanted out. I don't think they ordered dessert. Even Lorelei. She knew she had candy in the room she could hit up before going to Camp Ocean. Even better the candy came out of Ethan's money because the night before he bet her $5 candy credit she wouldn't eat escargot. She ate it. The ship had farewell parties planned for each age group and they couldn't wait to get to them.

 

I was able to squeeze one family picture before they took off.

 

 

We went back to our room to pack. All luggage has to be out of the room between 8pm-11pm. The day before I had already back the dirty clothes. They were starting to take over our cabin. That morning I packed all my clothes/shoes and the kids clothes/shoes and put aside dinner outfits, night outfits, pjs, and morning clothes for each. Nate and I made quick work of packing and had all the bags out right at 8pm.

 

We headed up stairs to the Casino for the night. Nate gambled most of the night and I hung out with Marie and Kim. We didn't do much but gamble a little bit. Kim and I are cheap and chat with all the friends we made during the trip. It was a pretty tamed last night. Daddy was in the middle of a poker game when it was time to pick up Lorelei so I left him down to play. Lorelei and I grabbed our nightly pizza and ice cream to go and went back to our room to finish our book. Daddy walked in right as we were falling asleep and took the book and pizza out of our hands and tucked us in. As he crawled into his bed he said, "Man we didn't really do much today." I replied to him, "We did what we wanted. I wanted nothing more but to float around and read my book, you wanted to get some casino time in, and the kids wanted to do what they wanted. It was a perfect last day."

 

Tomorrow: The trip home and our unconventional Easter. Lessons I learned. What I would change. What I would do the same.