Please bare with me because I feel like my mind is filled with shit and emotion right now. I feel like if I don't get this crap all out I might blow up on someone.
The biggest concern I have right now is my son. He's no longer and baby and his future is right there on the edge. The small choices he is making will make a huge impact in his life and I'm scared he doesn't understand the importance of it. I'm scared he might not be a hard worker. I'm scared that he might not be a big dreamer. I'm scared that I've screwed up somewhere along the way. Did I not hold him to the mat long enough. Has his life not been discipline enough? Am I overreacting? Will he figure it out? Should he have figured it out by now?
And with all of this. All this worry and anger at him. Disappointment. Concern. I feel this overall sadness. I miss my boy. I miss my 3 year old. I miss my 6 year old. The 9 year old who would play nerf guns with me. The 11 year old that would dance in the car with me. I've never felt so disconnected and uncool to him. Like the last thing in the world he wants to do is be with me. That I'm not the fun one. I'm not the sports one. I'm the accountable one. Will he realize that one day or will he just think his mom was no fun?
My sisters are raising babies. I feel like I have stuff in common with them but they don't have anything in common with me. Raising a teenager is so hard. Not on the amount of sleep you get but on your heart. I love him so much and I just want the best for him. I just wish I felt like he understood that. I never thought that I would sit in front of my son and cry. Cry because he has broken my heart. Cry because I feel like he is a liar. Cry because I have fears for him and I can longer make it better. And as much as I appreciate the advise from my sisters I know that they can't understand because I didn't understand. I didn't understand with my own friends went through this. I judged them and gave them advise when I really had no clue. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back. To hold him longer. To curl up on the couch with him again. I miss him.
It's made me appreciate my parents now. Its made me understand the anger they had towards us when we screwed up. It wasn't filled with anger as much as it was with disappointment, fear, and losing faith in the fight and maybe the disappointment you feel within yourself as a parent, as a failure. I'm in no way saying the tactics were right but what I'm saying is that I'm a mom that has tried every emotion possible and one day I fear he is going to say, "My mom wasn't a good mom." That just like we have judged our parents he will do the same. That in 3 short years he could leave. He could not attend college. He could marry some girl and never come back. That he could find it a burden to visit me. That fear makes me feel bad for my parents. I think about the times I've cut them off or haven't put in an effort and it makes me sad that it could happen to me. Sooner than later.
So, what do I do? I can't give up. I promised him when he turned 13 that I would walk beside him at times, behind him at times, and sometimes I would drag him from the front BUT one way or another we would get through these teenage years together. Do I care if he becomes a doctor? No. But I've always committed to him becoming a good man. If it takes all I have in me. I don't have a choice.
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