Family

Webster dictionary defines the word family as a group of persons of common ancestry. It's a simple definition for such a complicated word.

My family for instance..my Mother hasn't spoken to me since the end of March. My sister, Katherine hasn't spoken to me since our wedding, and Debra, I haven't spoken to her in well over a year. My father I have spoken to him 2 times by choice since March. You would think one or many of the above would hurt but they don't. not really. well 1 person..my mom. why would she behave like this to me? BC of money? BC I wasn't able to give money to her which I had done at every moment previously. When I got off my honeymoon..I called my mom first and the first thing she asked me was for money. Not hi, how was it, we missed you....nothing just money. And since my answer didn't come fast enough my phone has not rung....thanks MA!

Whose next? Katherine. Katherine at the age of 30 does not know who she is. how can I be upset with someone who is still trying to find out who and what she is. She has tried the nice girl thing and now she let Debra take her under her wing. Debra, that could stab you in your heart with a smirk on her face and not drop a tear. The same Debra that tormented and verbally attacked Katherine since they were children. I told Katherine this when we got into that argument. I feel sorry for her. Debra will tear her down and Katherine won't find happiness until she has mended all ties because that is the true person she is. She wants family.

Debra....debra debra debra...what can I say about her. She is who she is. No need for a knife in the back- she can take it right to your heart. Growing up we were separate. I didn't like her and she hated me. When I gave birth to my son and saw a different side to the mean and hateful Debra. I saw someone who wanted to be a mother. That mean and anger was gone. She was loving and caring. Then God gave her her gift..her first daughter Gracen. Everything she had ever wanted..She was going to be a good mother. I had no doubt she could do it. Then 2 summers ago that woman left. I was too far away to find out why or how but she packed up and she left and the old Debra was back. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing the people in her life...including her angels. I got a phone call from my father and sister Katherine telling me about the problems back home and they ask me to help take the 2 girls from Debra. With our fathers help 1 would go to me and 1 to Katherine. I agreed. If they needed me I would do it no matter what my sister would think...the children come first. Then the phone call comes from my mother...please help..the baby has called and Debra is saying and doing awful things...please call...I made the call and my niece picks up the phone and she is crying asking for help. saying that mommy told them to say good bye and they didn't want their mommy to go..please help auntie please help...then Debra voice snicker...aw Sabrina say good bye you will never see them again and nothing...no answer on the phone nothing....I called the police. please just go and check on the kids. Please make sure they are all right. This is a decision I made that night. The night were after hundreds of phone calls from my mom, Katherine, and my dad finally pulled me into their drama bubble. I called the police on my sister because I did not know what she was capable of. I didn't know and I wasn't willing to trust the unknown at that moment. Do I regret it? No never. When you are faced with a moment like that I hope that you pick the one where you can lean down and look your child in his eye and know that it wasn't from hate, or spite or anger...it was for the girls...the innocents.

Then there is my dad....and for once I don't really have too much to say about him. Can I forget? No. I can never forget. I know what happened in our home. I know where I get my angry from. Do I forgive him? Yes. I feel overall it could have been worse...I could have been worse bc that is what he set us up for failure. Something happened a few months before my wedding and my father and I had a talk that changed my way of handling my father. I wasn't a child talking to her father but I was an adult and I wasn't going to be pushed around or bullied into things. I am a well mannered respectable adult and that is who he spoke to that morning. What did I get from it? The words, "I am proud of you kiddo" I find it very hard to hate or dislike people that made me who I am today. My father told me over and over that I would become nothing and now 10 years later he can say that he is proud of me. It is like my inability to hate Matt...he drove me to succeed...how can I hate him? And of course my son....my Ethan. my unconditional love. Every thought and choice I make he is in my mind.

I live in FL in my bubble because of that I am thought of as selfish self center and thinks she is too good for everyone. That is not true. But all of the madness that goes on up there and it is always going on...I don't want to be a part of it. I am not the mean vindictive person that left VA all those years ago...I have been around the world and back...I hit bottom and with hard work and dedication, I got back up. But being down on the bottom I opened my eyes and took alot in...I was humbled. I was smacked in the face with reality. I was shown that I wasn't as tough as I thought I was and that I didn't need to be that girl anymore. One night I sat down on the floor and cried my eyes out. I was balled up in the dark and cursing and begging God for some help. and I felt this little hand my face and he said momma don't cry. and he started wiping my tears away. He saved me. My little boy. I don't bite my tongue but I am not rude or disrespectful. I won't stand by and watch a mother fail her children but I can fully support a stumble and assistance back up. Which God willing she is doing. I have seen the good in her. I know she can be everything her 3 little ones deserve. The mother she has wanted to be for 7 years. I am who I am with conditions. I don't believe I am above anyone. I answer to someone. someone who is more important that the VA Grayson's and when it comes down to it all that matters is him and that he is proud of me. And if I am every questioned for my actions I can justify them to my sons eyes. My father and I are cool. I figured him out finally. My mom...she broke my heart. I don't know what to do there. But I need her and I want her and I miss her. Oh, God I miss her.


I think the problems with my sisters about me come because I scare the shit out of them. When you are raised to fight with anger and cruelty. When it is all you know to spit this poison in every direction it scares them that that isn't me....because it was. There profiles have this in your face this is me...take it or leave it description..you can hear the intimidation in it. I on the other hand am the opposite of that...don't get me wrong. I am who I am. You can take it or leave it as well. I am a mother first. When I am in a moment everyday that is in my head/my heart. I am a mother. No I won't join you out for drinks. No I don't use crude words even when my son isn't around. I am a mother. Do I drink yes. Has my son seen my drink a beer...maybe 5 times. Do I curse...oh yes...has my son heard me? has my co-workers..no I am a mother/professional. Do I get joy from hurtful games on people expense...no. I have a heart. I couldn't do that. I have been there. I have been a game piece in someone sick game. and it hurt like hell. I don't like being that person....now I like myself. I like my picture perfect life. I worked hard for it...my husband has overcome so much and my son is growing to be the one thing I ask of him...a man. Why do you need anger and hate to infect your life?

If I have any faithful blogger I have a test for you. Next time you yell at your husband or your child or do something hurtful, walked into the bathroom and look for 40 seconds in your mirror. I guarantee you will not like who you see.