4 years ago I found a place to vent. A place of my own. My blog was my ability to get my thoughts out, scream at the world, scream at myself, speak from my heart, sometimes from my head, and of course safe a bunch of interior designs. I type. I cry. I cry as I type but after I hit publish I felt so much better. If you know me at all you know that I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I like to process things. I like to think about things and this blog allowed me to do it. I would get all this crap out of my head and then a few days later I would come to terms with things realize I was right, realize I was wrong, realize what direction I would move forward in. I guess I should follow through with that train of thought here on my blog but I didn't need to since I had it all figured out. So, I can see how some of my blogs can see bipolar to some. Now in the last few weeks my blogs have been more public. Shit just this morning it's been viewed 6 times and I didn't even post this morning! I've been questioned on my blog postings. I've been high fived on my postings. I've made people cry and hurt people's feelings. That wasn't what this was suppose to be. This was suppose to be for me. Not a gateway to conversations and feelings I wasn't ready to discuss. That's the selfish side of me screaming STOP! STOP READING THIS! THIS IS MINE! I know it's like trying not to look at the carwreck on the side of the road though. Or checking your boyfriends email or voicemails. Once you start you just can't stop. lol We've all been there before. On the flip side when I told my sister I was going to cancel it or move to another place she gave me a sad face and said she liked reading it. My other sister told me it helped her understand me more and understand my weightloss journey. I know that's a good thing but it also makes me very vunable. Your thoughts, your heart, your feelings are the best ammunition to use against someone. Remember I choose what I let the Grayson's see or know. They were on a need to know basis. Kid updates, family updates, but never my heart. Never my feelings. Am I willing to risk that? Or is it time for Bre to move on. Or is it time for Bre to open herself up. In the end no one can really hurt me. At the end of the day the mean thoughts, emails, phone calls, judgements don't matter. I have my family. My husband, my children, my life in FL and they can't touch that. But maybe what I can do is rebuild something I worked so hard to remove from my life. . My relationship with the rest of them.
So what will I do? Oh, you know I have no fucking clue. Blog, think, process. That's my thing. My husband let me crawl into a warm tub yesterday and listen to love songs. Today's slacker radio station: Love songs. Somehow the sad songs heal my heart. I think I got that from my mom. I remember how she woudl sit on her computer and listen to the sad songs, that I know by heart now, and cry but it made her feel better. It makes me feel better.
Weight Update: 207.2 this morning!!! Can you freaking believe it! I'm so close to under 200 pounds for the first time since 2001. What did I pick as an reward? New asics running shoes! I know it amazes me too. My goal of weighing less than Nate? He weighed in at 204.2 (butthead!) I have a doctor appt in one hour. I hope to hear that the last 3 months I've been a good girl. God knows I'm trying. I'm not dieting. I'm just being a healthier version of me. I'll update you on what he says. Also the status of my before and after picture? I want to be honest the reason I have posted it is because of you! lol Whoever you guys are. The before is not pretty. It's me. In my bra and panties not sucking in, all 266.6 pounds of me. IT'S NOT PRETTY. Shit, I'm not sure if 207.2 of me is that pretty either but it's an improvement. When I realized more people were reading this I didn't want to post the picture. I didn't want them to copy and paste it on their computers and mail them out with their Christmas cards. lol I decided last night if I'm going to keep this blog I'm going to do it. I'm going to put myself at your mercy. If I'm going to move forward with my weight with my family I have to trust. I have to canonball into the deep end. This is how I'm going to do it. Sun glasses recommended because my belly was WHITE!
Also, if I'm going to keep this I might as well apologize for my grammer and writing skills now. My husband is the brains and I'm the beauty. I don't want to put too much thought into this. Just the ramblings of a 32 year old girl not a New York Times editorial. No judgements please!
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