Is it by the amount of money you make? The size of your home? The laughter in your house? The size of your pants? The amount of love in your heart? The strength of your family? The car you have?
How do I measure myself? I was raised in a house by a father that had a nice home. That had nice things. We didn't want for much. Behind the close doors was a heavy hand and a mean mouth. A father that told me that I was a loser. I was a bitch. I would never become anything but a loser. I couldn't tell you the amount of time I heard those things from my father. How many times I felt the wrath of his anger on my face or behind. My stomach or my throat. But we had a nice big house with a beautiful yard. On some weekends I was raised in my mother's home. I watched her drink beer/wine from breakfast until sleepy time. I watched her beat herself up because husband molest her children and try to drink her pain away. Boy did I love her though. In my eyes she was perfect. She let us do whatever she wanted. She never said a mean thing to me or my little sister. We were the pretty ones, the tall one, the smart one (her not me lol) but my two older sisters were never good enough. It wasn't until I was older that I realized unless I followed a strict line that I would never be good enough either. That it didn't matter if I was the pretty one, the tall one, the one who could make her laugh, that as long as I stood my ground that I would never be her daughter. But if I take away the inside of the homes I grew up in and just measured based on had. What we had I guess you could say we measured out pretty well.
I have a nice home. We have 2 decent cars. We both have 2 good jobs. We are blessed with 2 beautiful children. I guess we measure out really well on paper. When I measure my life it's based on so much more than the numbers on paper.
I don't measure myself based on my haves. I measure myself mainly on my children and my husband. The home not house we have built. The way we all hang out together as a family. The laughter and memories we are building together. I fail sometimes. I have to regroup sometimes. When I try to be a sterner parent and I see or hear my father. I step back. I apologize to my son. Always and I readjust. I'm a work in progress and we as a family will figure this out together. I've learned more patience and understanding through my son. He is such a wise and warm hearted boy and sometimes I can't believe I made him. He will be a good man one day. A good father. A good husband. I know this and I tell him this all the time. I always remember to praise him for his achievements and stand by his side and support for his misses. He is punished. He has consequences but I could never tell him that he was a loser. My daughter. My sweet baby girl. I feel such a huge obligation to her and my success as a parent will be measures largely on the woman, sister, mother, wife, friend she grows to be. I think because I was raised in a house full of women I know what I want and don't want for my daughter. I don't want her to have to go through the things I did to be able to look herself in the mirror. From the moment I found out I was having a daughter I knew my job was about to get harder. If I could pick anyhow as her role model it would be my younger sister and my stepmother. To be a fighter and maintain her dignity and grace. That would be something worth pouring into my measuring cup. My husband. My "drives me up the wall" love of my life. I wish so badly that I met him before I did. So I could truly have spent a lifetime with him. The time we were given just doesn't seem like enough for me. My job as a wife is always in a 'Needs Improvement' status. I could always do better. I could always remind myself that I love him for who he is and everything that he has not for the faults that drive me crazy. That's the good thing about me. I'm willing to admit that I'm a work in progress. I'm far from perfect and every year if I can become a better wife or mother or friend then I've had a good year. I want to be a better wife. It's so hard for me to be a laid back wife. I'm trying. I really am. My strengths are my husbands weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths and I need to celebrate that more. Our marriage as a whole is an excellent. Thank you Jesus. We really did work so hard to almost destroy it 3 years ago. One thing that never changed during that time is I loved him and God did he love me. We did it. We were able to beat our demons and now we are stronger than I could ever imagine. After spending almost 9 years with this man I can honestly say that I like him. I LIKE HIM!!! I enjoy the moments I get to spend with him. I get giddy when I see him walk into my office still and feel this flutter (which I thought was made up before) when he kisses me still. Because I like him I can't help but be head over heels in love with him. In love with the way he makes me feel and in love with the fact that we are happy. I'm sure on facebook it seems cheesy or over the top but I'm thankful. I've been in an unhappy unhealthy marriage and I'm so thankful that I was given Nate as my husband.
I measure myself based on my friendships. Can you believe one of my closest friends tells me how nice I am? I feel like saying, "are you crazy? You must not know me. I'm not nice." I guess the reality is I am. My sister somehow read a blog post that was up for 30 minutes and I said some not so nice things. Reality is; it's my blog. It's my thoughts. I could say whatever I wanted to but now I feel bad. Just because it's in my head and in my thoughts or maybe even the way I feel doesn't mean that I want to use those words to hurt someone. To hurt her. So if you are still reading my blog post. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I said those things about you. The truth is that maybe just like I believe you don't know me I probably don't know you. And if you would ever like to work on that I would be happy to get to know you again.
I measured myself that day when I found out she had read it. I didn't like how I felt knowing I had hurt her feelings. It's not my intentions through this blog, through my facebook, through my words to hurt any ones feelings. This blog is how I learned how to get my thoughts out. They are my thoughts and not rules or facts just the rambling of a 32 year old girl who is trying to keep her shit together. I measure myself by my mirror and the way I see myself emotionally and the world perceives me. I want to be a good person. I want to be a loving person. A nice person. On the other side I want to fight with dignity for what's right and wrong. I want to be a strong woman that my children can be proud of. A provider and lover for my husband. I want to make mistakes. Lots of them and learn from them. Every year I want to say I did better. I improved this and I learned this.
If I lost my house, my car, my job tomorrow I could still measure my life in a large cup. As a wife, mother, friend, family member I'm always trying to improve and be the best I can be. As my life physically keeps changing over this next year I excited to see how these relationships will change and improve.
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