Ugh

That expains how I feel about this picture. I'll take a picture in this same shirt that is obviously hugging the crap out of me every month during this journey. I will also take a picture in front of the same door so we can see how much more of the door we will be able to see a year from now.

I probably shouldn't have labeled it because it brought tears to my eyes. So disgusting. We are going to a friends party tonight and I don't want to go. I want to stay home and hide. I really don't want to go with all those skinny girls. :(

Dressing the Excess

In my vivid imagination I imagine that after my surgery all my excess skin will just melt away and the skinny chic inside of me will be revealed. In my reality I know I will be left with excess skin in my belly, arms and legs. I know I also have a couple options with how to deal with this cruel reality. 1.) Fly to Mexico and have one of those fabulous cheap doctors get rid of all of it. Which my husband has already said, "Hell to the nah, " to. Even if I had it done here in the states, it is going to leave some very large and semi-visible scars. 2.) Deal with it. I can be thankful for losing the weight and use that as my reminder of what I could still be like. I can dress the excess to make me happy.

Remember in this post I mentioned a few of my goals. This is how I plan on dressing the excess while achieving those goals and rocking the new me. :)

#17 Wear knee high boots. I love the nautical feel of the strips and jacket in this outfit. I also like the stable/western look of the black boots.

#16 Go to the Beach. This bathing suit is perfect for me. I like a deep V to show off the girls. (Hmm. I wonder if they will still be around? Note to self: google Mexican boob job) Anyhow I also like that it will show off my new shape. I love the straps. It reminds me of a retro style suit from the 50's & 60's.

#12 "Fun"things with my husband. Did you think that was a PG goal? That goal is for all the things I've been to shy to do before. ;) ;) Completely Rated R!

Push up corset for my girl that will probably leave me. Coverage for the belly area.

More coverage for the belly but still very sexy.


#9 Wear shorts. I haven't worn shorts since before Ethan was born. I live in FL! I've worn capris and knee length shorts but I haven't worn girly shorts in 11 years! I can't wait!

I love this outfit. It achieves my shorts goal but also will help cover up my upper arms. I could wear cap sleeves or slightly longer.

This outfit screams FL vacation to me! Light blue is probably one of my favorite colors and I love how light and airy it feels for these warm 99 degree days. Also again this light cardigan can cover my upper arms.

I know these aren't shorts but I think I could pull this off during the fall before it gets too cool. Again because of my job I love the nautical feel of this.

#7 Shop at the Gap, Banana Republic, Express

Right now I shop at Lane Bryant 90% of the time. It's the only store I've shopped at basically in 11 years. My husband loves to shop but I hate it because the store he can fit into I can't. It's torture. Most days I think I dress like a slob. This isn't me. This poorly dressed person. I can't wait to dress for who I really am.

I don't know about the pink heels but I love this outfit for work.


Another favorite! See the arm cover up?

I could see me wearing this outfit on a marketing trip or seminar.

#14 Wear a skirt to work. Last time I did that was....2003. When I moved to FL I was a size 14/16. I bought a skirt and wore it to work a few dozen times. I felt great when I wore it. Before that was probably 2000. I'm not a huge skirt person but I would love the option to feel more like a girl and not one wearing a parachute of garbage bag.

I love this outfit because it's not Britney Spear's short but also covers the upper arms.

thanks to Pinterest I have 56 pieces of my vivid imagination pinned. All images are from my board.

1400 CAL NO CARB DIET

NO POTATOES, DESSERTS, RICE, PASTA, OR BREAD.

Hmmmmm. The 1400 calorie example menu that the fabulous Dr. Love game me includes, whole wheat toast, whole wheat crackers, , oatmeal, whole wheat bread, whole wheat pasta, but in pen is written the dreaded 5 No's. No rice? My boss just told me that whole wheat pastas are allowed. I'm going to try that this month. Switching to only whole wheat pasta's and see what Dr. Love says in a month.

I'm don't think I'm going to start this today. I'm not prepared. I have no idea what to cook for dinner tonight. Or even what to eat at lunch. I think I need to do some research and menu planning. I don't want to jump into this right now and feel like I failed when I eat hamburger helper tonight.

I need to find a few self-help weight loss surgery books. You know how I love a good self-help book. Off to search and work!

I think I'm in love

This morning was my first visit with Dr. Love, I mean Dr. Joe. He was wonderful!!!! He was so positive and upbeat. For the next 6 months I will go visit with him and record all of the items I listed below. The idea is to retrain your pancreas, brain, and stomach. He will work on my pancreas and brain. Surgery will obvious fix my stomach. (Warning: I'm awful at medical jargon and terms and will probably mess some of this stuff up) I'm going to be on a 1400 calorie diet for the next 6 months. I'm suppose to stay away from POTATOES, DESSERTS, RICE, PASTA, BREAD. (what about the 12 boxes of hamburger helper I just bought!) This will help retrain my pancreas to not crave evening snacks and junk. Walk a mile each day. Retrain the brain and stimulate my metabolism.

He asked me about going back on phentermine to help with the weight loss but I said no. 2 reasons. I don't want to lose too much weight during this next 6 months and not be eligible for surgery. The second reason is too personal to put even on a page that no one reads :)

My blood pressure was 140/90. Not too bad but the bottom number is not good. He switched my medicine to Benazepril-Hydrachlorothiazide. (Whatever that means!)

I left with such a better feeling than I had with my previous doctor. This guy gets it. His staff gets it. Day one of my journey begins!!!

Oh, and I felt great until I walked off the elevator and this woman looked down at my stomach. I know she was thinking, "Is she pregnant or isn't she?" Blah!

Current weight: 282.2

Weight Loss Goals

I'm sure this will be on ongoing goal list. I will updated it as I achieve or add things to my list.

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds
2. Weight: 145. This is my goal. This will change once I speak to my doctor.
3. Take Family pictures
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan
9. Wear shorts
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark)
17. Wear knee high boots
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate

Then you will be pretty

We just came home from a 4 day vacation in Virginia Beach. Actually it was half vacation and half work since I had a handful of photography sessions during the weekend. I saw people that I haven't seen since high school. All extra 120 pounds of me. I felt like screaming I won't be fat foor too much longer. Or I'm going to require these same people to see me in a year and a half from now. lol Anyhow, when I walked into my Mom's house my Lola asked if I was pregnant. Nice. Why can't I get fat width ways instead of looking like I'm pregnant? I told my parents and Lola what I was planning on doing in May. They all seemed very supportive but you never know with them. Anyhow, on my last day while eating lunch with my Lola she pointed out that after I had surgery I will be pretty. I just said yes. I thought I was pretty now. I thought my Grandmother and mother would think I'm pretty now. I guess I was wrong. Part of me wants to defend them. After all I'm fat. But c'mon! Who says that to their granddaughter or children? I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I know that sometimes I look pretty. I guess not to my family.

Tomorrow is my first doctors appointment with Dr. Joseph Czerkawski. I'm very excited to start this six month process. I'm going to remind myself to stay positive and to be patience. I'm ahead of the game already.

I also opened a fortune cookie last night that said something like, "Keep you plans a secret for now." It's funny how my boys could have open that cookie. Or I could have thrown it away since it had been there for 5 days but I opened it and I felt like the message was directed to me.

The story of the fat

I wouldn't say that I was always fat because now looking back at myself pre-Ethan I wouldn't consider myself fat. I was a size 14, around 170 pounds at 20 years old. I could wear almost anything I wanted and look good in it. Shit that summer I was even wearing a bikini to the beach! I was a size 13-14. During my size 14 years, I tried slim fast drinks to lose weight. I didn't exercise but I was out at the clubs dancing almost every night! While pregnant with Ethan I remember the day I went over 200 pounds. My ex-husband made a comment about it at my doctors visit. At that time I still didn't feel fat. I was carrying a baby. I had high blood pressure and lots of water retention. After I delivered Ethan I lost 20 pounds of the 60 I had put on. That still put me at 220 by 21 years old. Again looking back at pictures of me holding Ethan I didn't look fat as I felt. Oh, what I would give to be back at 220. :) After that it just started to happen gradually. 220, 240 when I met Nate. 250-260 for a long time. 8 years ago I tried weight watchers and failed miserably. I think I lost a total of 4lbs and thought it was a waste of time after a month. In 2005 I tried phentermine and vitamins. I lost 25 pounds but the cost of the vitamins and prescription was close to $150 a month. It was an expense I didn't want to keep paying and stopped. Hello 25 pounds! In 2008, I joined Anytime Fitness. I went maybe 10 times and lost 0 pounds...obviously. $400 down the drain. In 2009, I joined the gym with my boss. I tried eating healthy. I was actually going to the gym. I went from the end of June until October. I even worked out during one of my business trips. But I saw very little weight loss and with Linda's sickness I slowly stopped going. I liked the feeling of working out. Of getting that sweat dripping off my head. It felt great!!! But I didn't see any results and I got discouraged and eventually stopped.

2010 (250-260): During my pregnancy with Lorelei I gained 25 pounds. At my 6 week post appointment I was back to my post pregnancy weight. 11 months later I'm back at 283. It's 100% my fault. Nate & I have been eating like crap. I bought a treadmill in March and I used it a few times but could never schedule in a good time to do it. When I got home from work, dinner, dishes, baby, it was 8:30 before I got to sit down and I was tired. Even though I'm typically a morning person, since Lorelei's birth I haven't been. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I want sleep. So, if she sleeps in until 7:30am, I'm sleeping until 7:30am. I'm not making the time to burn off what I'm putting in. Now, I feel fat! I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel sorry for my husband. I feel embarrassed for my son. I want it gone. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to stand up tall and not try to disappear when I walk into a home. I want to be happy with me.