The story of the fat

I wouldn't say that I was always fat because now looking back at myself pre-Ethan I wouldn't consider myself fat. I was a size 14, around 170 pounds at 20 years old. I could wear almost anything I wanted and look good in it. Shit that summer I was even wearing a bikini to the beach! I was a size 13-14. During my size 14 years, I tried slim fast drinks to lose weight. I didn't exercise but I was out at the clubs dancing almost every night! While pregnant with Ethan I remember the day I went over 200 pounds. My ex-husband made a comment about it at my doctors visit. At that time I still didn't feel fat. I was carrying a baby. I had high blood pressure and lots of water retention. After I delivered Ethan I lost 20 pounds of the 60 I had put on. That still put me at 220 by 21 years old. Again looking back at pictures of me holding Ethan I didn't look fat as I felt. Oh, what I would give to be back at 220. :) After that it just started to happen gradually. 220, 240 when I met Nate. 250-260 for a long time. 8 years ago I tried weight watchers and failed miserably. I think I lost a total of 4lbs and thought it was a waste of time after a month. In 2005 I tried phentermine and vitamins. I lost 25 pounds but the cost of the vitamins and prescription was close to $150 a month. It was an expense I didn't want to keep paying and stopped. Hello 25 pounds! In 2008, I joined Anytime Fitness. I went maybe 10 times and lost 0 pounds...obviously. $400 down the drain. In 2009, I joined the gym with my boss. I tried eating healthy. I was actually going to the gym. I went from the end of June until October. I even worked out during one of my business trips. But I saw very little weight loss and with Linda's sickness I slowly stopped going. I liked the feeling of working out. Of getting that sweat dripping off my head. It felt great!!! But I didn't see any results and I got discouraged and eventually stopped.

2010 (250-260): During my pregnancy with Lorelei I gained 25 pounds. At my 6 week post appointment I was back to my post pregnancy weight. 11 months later I'm back at 283. It's 100% my fault. Nate & I have been eating like crap. I bought a treadmill in March and I used it a few times but could never schedule in a good time to do it. When I got home from work, dinner, dishes, baby, it was 8:30 before I got to sit down and I was tired. Even though I'm typically a morning person, since Lorelei's birth I haven't been. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I want sleep. So, if she sleeps in until 7:30am, I'm sleeping until 7:30am. I'm not making the time to burn off what I'm putting in. Now, I feel fat! I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel sorry for my husband. I feel embarrassed for my son. I want it gone. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to stand up tall and not try to disappear when I walk into a home. I want to be happy with me.