Reaction?

Reactions to the before & after picture?  Mine?  Disgust was first. Especially when I was editing the before picture last week.  And let me clarify the word editing for you.  I take these pictures with my son standing on a table holding a black curtain up behind me. I set the camera settings and hand my camera to my husband. I upload the images sharpen and add the full black background.  If not you would be able to see the rest of my living room in the picture. I don't mess with me.  I don't warm the picture up. (obviously by the paleness of the before) I don't take out stretch marks or make anything better or worse. Editing is simply making it a clean shot to focus on me :)

Okay back to my reaction.  First: Disgust.  I'm disgusted by what I allowed myself to get to.  This isn't heredity.  I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I did that.  All of that to myself. I'm disgusted by it and I will never ever allow myself to treat my body like that again. Second: Disbelieve  I HAD NO IDEA! I walk out of my shower everyday with a mirror on my left and a mirror in front of me and I never saw it. I walked out of the bathroom with a mirror directly in front of me and I never saw it.  When I went to edit the before pictures I was in disbelieve. That was me. Not even at my heaviest but 20 pounds lighter than last August.  Third: Thankful I'm so thankful for my husband.  I'm so thankful that he could love me just as I am.  Not just in the inside but on the outside.  The he was turned on by me. The he was still calling me sexy.  Once in 9 years did he call me fat.  Out of ALL the arguments we have had he said it once.  I'm so thankful for that because he could have used that to hurt me and he didn't.  Fourth: Excitement.  The after!!! OMG. I'm not even at my goal weight yet!   This is when I actually started to dissect the picture.  Look at the front and my neck.  I have a neck now!  This is the exact bra and panties I wore as last time and do you see how my cups are running over.  Now it's too big. You can't even see my itty bitties in there.  Backside, first I noticed my bar again. Do you see how it was thinned out from being stretched to fit and you can see my skin under.  (this is a brand new bra so this isn't wear but just pulling too tight) It also was on the first set of hooks and now it's on the last and straps pulled as tight as they can.   Then moving to my back roll. One side is almost gone!  The side, 9 months prego to 5 months prego! OMG no clue my stomach was poking out that far. No wonder why my husband says how skinny I am now when he hugs me. He can actually reach me! And look at my legs. How much thinner they look in the after.

My husband's reaction: "Did you enlarge the first picture?  You didn't do anything to it?  OMG you look like a man.  I feel like Shallow Hal right now and never saw that.  Good job baby."

Ethan: "bahahahaha Momma you were so pale! Why are you so white?  And you shrunk!  Have you gotten shorter? OMG." 

Friend: "OMG Sabrina!!! That is totally awesome!! your tattoo has even moved! Amazing!! The instant you have your tummy tuck, you will probably go down 2 more sizes. You are looking small as it is!! So proud of you!! 2 different people! Seriously!! No way!!! I never saw you like that. Oh, and I've deleted the pictures"

Sister: "You were pale! Big difference! I can tell a difference all around....so whens the next picture?"

Overall, I feel pretty good about this.  I'm not embarrassed at all.  It is what it is. I was what I was but the bottom line is it what I was and not who I am now or who I will ever be again.  I'm not ashamed of these pictures. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the work I have put in and continue to.  It's not easy.  It's not magic.  I deserve to be proud of myself at this moment. The good, the bad, and the ugly this is me and I'm okay with that.