I miss you

Nate & Linda at our wedding 03.08

I've never really lost anyone before. I've been very fortunate to be from a pretty healthy family.  My parents even with their unhealthy habits are pretty blessed.  My husband on the hand has not been that lucky.  He lost his father within the first 6 months of us dating.  I didn't really know Howard. I met him the first time on Father's Day and he passed away a few days after Thanksgiving.  What I did know was that he was loved and respected by his children.  And that he accepted Ethan as his almost immediately upon meeting him.

He left behind the love of his life, Linda.  Nate's mother and Ethan's Gran Gran.  The death of Linda was probably the most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to be a part of. She was a fiery woman with such pride and grace.  A true spit fire well mannered southern woman.  She went into the hospital for a routine medical procedure and spent next 4 months in the hospital before she passed away on November 8, 2009.  I can't believe it's been almost 3 years. It feel likes yesterday when my husband, Marie, & I were spending almost every lunch break at the hospital with her.  Sometimes talking to her. Sometimes just sitting there.  Her struggle was so up and down. I remember trying to figure out if I should travel to the Panhandle at one point and when I came to the hospital she was sitting up.  Just gotten a new haircut. Was talking about joining the weekly Wii activities.  I felt like it was okay to travel for the week.  Things were finally turning around.  When I came back from the trip things were different. She was back on the machines and back in bed.  She missed her Granddaughters wedding.  She spent the evening in the hospital while the rest of us went and watched Dena get married.  She was miserable. She hated being stuck in that bed. No windows. No freedom.  It's not the kind of woman she was. Her nails looked bad. She hated the way her skinned looked. 

During all of this my marriage was falling apart.  My husband was dealing with the thought of losing his mother. He was angry. He was scared. He was grieving. He was trying to be hopeful. I was trying to stay in control. To plan. To Organize. The only things I know how to do. Among the other things going on this put a huge weight on our marriage and our relationship with one another. The struggle of possibly losing his mother and our struggle of not being able to conceive along with the other was too much for us.

Eventually Linda made her choice. She was tired. She wanted more than the life she was going to have.  She wanted to go home. To our home. She wanted to pass away the way she had lived her life. With dignity.  That caused the biggest rift in our family.  Nathan and I understood what his Mom wanted and we supported her.  Understandably some of his brothers and sisters did not.  They wanted their Momma to live.  They wanted to be able to go to the hospital and visited her.  I'm not sure that even on the day she was transported to our home that some of them were at peace with her choice. 

This is where things changed for me. After being in the 10x10 hospital room with a room of children watching them hear from their Momma's doctor and herself that she was done.  Watching their hearts break as they realized the end was coming. I got in my car and I called my mother for the first time 7 months. I needed my mother. I called her and I cried on her voicemail.  I told her Linda was dying and I needed her.  That Ethan was about to lose his Grandmother and I didn't know if I could handle it.  I never received a return phone call. 

The day she came home I remember how happy she was.  We had decorated our guest room with her curtains, her pictures, her artwork. The grand kids drew pictures and we hung them on the wall.  "We Love you Gran Gran"  She was wheeled into the sunlight for the first time in 4 months and as she came into my foyer she said, "oh, it's so beautiful."  My cobwebbed ceilings were beauty to her compared to the hospitals she had been stuck in.  A frosty!  She wanted a frosty that night and the Hospice nurse said she could have whatever she wanted.  I've never seen anyone eat a spoonful of a Wendy's frosty with such pleasure.  The entire family was there.  We all lived in our home for 3 days. Air mattresses filled the living room.  Kim brought us dinner and did what a true friend would do and tried to bring some laughter into our hearts.  A typical and appreciated Kim move.  The days she was home were again an up and down journey.  The doctors had told us 24 hours.  We were on our 3rd day. We took turns sitting in the room with her.  The wonderful Hospice nurse was there almost the entire time.  Sunday morning of November 8th all the grandchildren were out of the house. The men except for Nate went to a Jaguar football game. It was my turn to sit with Linda. I was holding her hand and she opened her eyes for the first time in hours. I called for Nate and Marie. They came in and each held her hands. She looked at them like she was taking it all in for one last time. Diane & Amy told her it was okay. Her family would be okay and she slowly passed away. 

It was the most beautiful and heart wrenching moment of my life.  The day Heaven got a little more beautiful. 

During this time we had struggled with conceiving a baby.  We had given up during this point and 6 weeks after Linda's death after quiting the fertility medicine months before we found out we were pregnant.  A few short months later we found out we were having a little girl.  A fiery little southern girl she would be just like her Gran Gran. Given the same initials after her Gran Gran. I struggle with the fact that Lorelei just like her father never will know her Gran Gran.  But I also know that the choice Linda had to make would have been 100x's harder if she knew that her baby was about to have a baby.  And a girl. Oh Lordy would she be over the moon to have a little girl.  She would be broke by now spoiling this child.  I know there was a reason for the way things happened but it still makes me sad sometimes. It amazes me at times when I'm in my car and I hear a song that I will start crying. That all those emotions from those 4-5 months come back.

I think losing Linda is what changed the way that I held onto things. In the hospital one time Linda asked me about my mom and I told her I hadn't spoken to her.  She told me to forgive her. Even though my phone call went unreturned I forgave my mother. I forgive her now. Life is too short to add people to your "I'm not talking to them list"  There is no winning in a war like that. Love your loved ones. Forgive them.  Enjoy the moments you are given and move on from the moments that hurt you.  I use to make such a big deal over things. We have some stuff going on now and I'm more likely the one to say, "uh whatever. Don't make a big deal over it. Let's just move on."  With my husband I think it's been the opposite. In some ways it's harden his heart and that man can hold a grudge better than anyone right now.  I hate to see him like that because it's not in his true nature to be grudgeful.  A Brigance is typically a laid back person.  Just like their father. Where I use to think it was a weakness I know find it admirable. It brought a lifetime of peace to their family that most don't get to enjoy.