My husband kept track of his food journal yesterday and got up this morning and did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. I proud of you baby. Keep up the good work.
This morning Chrissy & I went running and the little bitch (that's my name for the Iphone app we use) tricked us. I thought it was going to be 5 minutes run 3 min walk. WRONG. I was running (use your Forest Gump accent) and my legs started to burn. I looked down at the app and I was 6 minutes in. 6 minutes! Is that bitch crazy? Today it switched to a 8 min run and 5 minute walk. Was not ready for that so we lowered it down. I want to push for 6 mins tomorrow and 8 mins Saturday and a day to rest on Sunday. Run for 8 mins straight? Can you believe it?
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I don't think he understands and he never will
My husband and I don't fight much. We argue. We bicker. I tell him I'm not speaking to him while I'm trying to hide my smile and we move on. We've done enough fighting in the past to get us through the next few years. The one thing we do fight about is his health. During my run with Chrissy yesterday I told her that he will die. That I realize that. If he doesn't change he will die before me. I didn't cry. I didn't get choked up. I was stating a fact. Yesterday when John and I were talking about age differences and Nate being so much younger than his brothers and sister he said he was going to have to face a lot of heart break watching his family pass away and I said no I didn't think. Nate will pass away before them. Just stating a fact. I know this in my heart. I've been dealing with this fear for over 5 years and I guess I've accepted it. At this moment I believe that I will be a widow before any of my friends.
It' makes me so mad. It makes me mad that I have to remind him to go to the doctor. I have to remind him that he has an issue. He isn't like everyone else. He has to eat better. He has to be active or he will die. I hate that I have to yell and scream that at him. Doesn't he love us? Doesn't he want to see his son and daughter get married. See them become parents. Doesn't he want to grow old with me and do all the things we've talked about? Or is he just so selfish and lazy and accepting of his fate that he would rather do what he wants and enjoy the time he has.
Today he went to see Dr. Joe (aka Dr. Love). A doctor's appointment that was about a month overdue. He said Dr. Joe was tough on him. Told him no heart attacks on his watch. He wants him on a 1800 calorie diet. No potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, deserts. He wants him exercising every day. He told him to come back in 3 months and he wants him down 5 pounds. He told him everything in his belly is from the carbs. Nate told me all of this and what he "has" to do but I think by lunch time he will forget all about it. I told him to download the MyFitness app and keep track of his calorie and activity dairy for an entire month and he can by himself a gift at the end of the month. I'm almost willing to bet that by Monday he will forget about all of the above. I'm sure at this point some people are thinking, "Give him the benefit of the doubt." I have. I've listened to all of this before. I'm his wife. I've listen to him complain about himself and what he "needs" or "has" to do. I've never seen him stick with it. Not even for a week. I'm tired of hearing just words. They lose their value. I'm not like that with him. When I tell him I'm going to do something I do it. My words hold value to him and others. I think my heart has done what it needs to do when he couldn't do what he needed to do. It's harden. My world will shatter one day. My husband will have another heart attack. Nobody has just one. It could kill him or it could scare him straight. But at this point from what I've seen it's what I believe will happen.
You could also say, "C'mon Bre. He stood by you." We are not equals. He has heredity issues that could drop him dead right now. When I'm mad at him and I don't kiss him goodbye I instantly regret it in the car because I fear that today can be the day. If I don't hear from him for hours at at time. I always go there. The thoughts the fears are always in my head. He is not equal to the guys he's eating lunch with, his heart is broken. His cholesterol is broken and he has to work harder than all of us to be healthy. I know it's unfair but it's his life. I tried so hard to yell and argue to make him see it. To make him care but I can't. I can just do me and prepare. Prepare myself for the day I lose my husband and my children lose their father. If he doesn't do something that day will come sooner than later.
It' makes me so mad. It makes me mad that I have to remind him to go to the doctor. I have to remind him that he has an issue. He isn't like everyone else. He has to eat better. He has to be active or he will die. I hate that I have to yell and scream that at him. Doesn't he love us? Doesn't he want to see his son and daughter get married. See them become parents. Doesn't he want to grow old with me and do all the things we've talked about? Or is he just so selfish and lazy and accepting of his fate that he would rather do what he wants and enjoy the time he has.
Today he went to see Dr. Joe (aka Dr. Love). A doctor's appointment that was about a month overdue. He said Dr. Joe was tough on him. Told him no heart attacks on his watch. He wants him on a 1800 calorie diet. No potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, deserts. He wants him exercising every day. He told him to come back in 3 months and he wants him down 5 pounds. He told him everything in his belly is from the carbs. Nate told me all of this and what he "has" to do but I think by lunch time he will forget all about it. I told him to download the MyFitness app and keep track of his calorie and activity dairy for an entire month and he can by himself a gift at the end of the month. I'm almost willing to bet that by Monday he will forget about all of the above. I'm sure at this point some people are thinking, "Give him the benefit of the doubt." I have. I've listened to all of this before. I'm his wife. I've listen to him complain about himself and what he "needs" or "has" to do. I've never seen him stick with it. Not even for a week. I'm tired of hearing just words. They lose their value. I'm not like that with him. When I tell him I'm going to do something I do it. My words hold value to him and others. I think my heart has done what it needs to do when he couldn't do what he needed to do. It's harden. My world will shatter one day. My husband will have another heart attack. Nobody has just one. It could kill him or it could scare him straight. But at this point from what I've seen it's what I believe will happen.
You could also say, "C'mon Bre. He stood by you." We are not equals. He has heredity issues that could drop him dead right now. When I'm mad at him and I don't kiss him goodbye I instantly regret it in the car because I fear that today can be the day. If I don't hear from him for hours at at time. I always go there. The thoughts the fears are always in my head. He is not equal to the guys he's eating lunch with, his heart is broken. His cholesterol is broken and he has to work harder than all of us to be healthy. I know it's unfair but it's his life. I tried so hard to yell and argue to make him see it. To make him care but I can't. I can just do me and prepare. Prepare myself for the day I lose my husband and my children lose their father. If he doesn't do something that day will come sooner than later.
Goal List Update
1. Weigh less than 200 pounds (5 pounds away!)
1a. Weigh 220 (almost there!)
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
3. Take Family pictures (Scheduled for the first of November)
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan Nate, Ethan, and I went to a waterpark yesterday and I rode every ride with them and I didn't get stuck!
9. Wear shorts Done and I'm never going back! It's too damn hot to live in FL and not wear shorts!
10. Dance in a club or bar
11.Run a 5K, (ran my first one and signing up for the 2nd)
10K,
River Run
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work Wore a skirt to work last week :)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark) Went to Fort Desoto beach this weekend and did not get eaten by a shark!
17. Wear knee high boots (I can't wait to find a pair of riding boots & cowboy boots!)
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate
23. Buy a new bathing suit
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets
28. Run the bleachers at FC
29. Wear leggings
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
1b. Weigh less than Nate. My husband is making this hard for me since his weight is going down too.
2. Weigh: 170.
Lose 100 pounds (166.6)
Weigh: 160
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express (bought my first shirt from Banana republic!)
10. Dance in a club or bar
11.
10K,
River Run
Half Marathon by next fall
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;) things sure have gotten fun :):):) but the 2 I have in my head hasn't happened yet. ;)
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room almost there. I have my up and down days
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family We need to buy Lorelei a seat. grr
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate
24. Wear a cocktail dress
25. Do an obstacle course or high rope course including a zip line
26. Play on a softball team (I'm currently on a softball team but I'm already talking myself out of it. Stick with it Bre!)
27. Buy a sexy bra from Victoria Secrets
28. Run the bleachers at FC
30. sing Karaoke
31. Tuck my shirt in
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Reaction?
Reactions to the before & after picture? Mine? Disgust was first. Especially when I was editing the before picture last week. And let me clarify the word editing for you. I take these pictures with my son standing on a table holding a black curtain up behind me. I set the camera settings and hand my camera to my husband. I upload the images sharpen and add the full black background. If not you would be able to see the rest of my living room in the picture. I don't mess with me. I don't warm the picture up. (obviously by the paleness of the before) I don't take out stretch marks or make anything better or worse. Editing is simply making it a clean shot to focus on me :)
Okay back to my reaction. First: Disgust. I'm disgusted by what I allowed myself to get to. This isn't heredity. I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I did that. All of that to myself. I'm disgusted by it and I will never ever allow myself to treat my body like that again. Second: Disbelieve I HAD NO IDEA! I walk out of my shower everyday with a mirror on my left and a mirror in front of me and I never saw it. I walked out of the bathroom with a mirror directly in front of me and I never saw it. When I went to edit the before pictures I was in disbelieve. That was me. Not even at my heaviest but 20 pounds lighter than last August. Third: Thankful I'm so thankful for my husband. I'm so thankful that he could love me just as I am. Not just in the inside but on the outside. The he was turned on by me. The he was still calling me sexy. Once in 9 years did he call me fat. Out of ALL the arguments we have had he said it once. I'm so thankful for that because he could have used that to hurt me and he didn't. Fourth: Excitement. The after!!! OMG. I'm not even at my goal weight yet! This is when I actually started to dissect the picture. Look at the front and my neck. I have a neck now! This is the exact bra and panties I wore as last time and do you see how my cups are running over. Now it's too big. You can't even see my itty bitties in there. Backside, first I noticed my bar again. Do you see how it was thinned out from being stretched to fit and you can see my skin under. (this is a brand new bra so this isn't wear but just pulling too tight) It also was on the first set of hooks and now it's on the last and straps pulled as tight as they can. Then moving to my back roll. One side is almost gone! The side, 9 months prego to 5 months prego! OMG no clue my stomach was poking out that far. No wonder why my husband says how skinny I am now when he hugs me. He can actually reach me! And look at my legs. How much thinner they look in the after.
My husband's reaction: "Did you enlarge the first picture? You didn't do anything to it? OMG you look like a man. I feel like Shallow Hal right now and never saw that. Good job baby."
Ethan: "bahahahaha Momma you were so pale! Why are you so white? And you shrunk! Have you gotten shorter? OMG."
Friend: "OMG Sabrina!!! That is totally awesome!! your tattoo has even moved! Amazing!! The instant you have your tummy tuck, you will probably go down 2 more sizes. You are looking small as it is!! So proud of you!! 2 different people! Seriously!! No way!!! I never saw you like that. Oh, and I've deleted the pictures"
Sister: "You were pale! Big difference! I can tell a difference all around....so whens the next picture?"
Overall, I feel pretty good about this. I'm not embarrassed at all. It is what it is. I was what I was but the bottom line is it what I was and not who I am now or who I will ever be again. I'm not ashamed of these pictures. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the work I have put in and continue to. It's not easy. It's not magic. I deserve to be proud of myself at this moment. The good, the bad, and the ugly this is me and I'm okay with that.
Okay back to my reaction. First: Disgust. I'm disgusted by what I allowed myself to get to. This isn't heredity. I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I did that. All of that to myself. I'm disgusted by it and I will never ever allow myself to treat my body like that again. Second: Disbelieve I HAD NO IDEA! I walk out of my shower everyday with a mirror on my left and a mirror in front of me and I never saw it. I walked out of the bathroom with a mirror directly in front of me and I never saw it. When I went to edit the before pictures I was in disbelieve. That was me. Not even at my heaviest but 20 pounds lighter than last August. Third: Thankful I'm so thankful for my husband. I'm so thankful that he could love me just as I am. Not just in the inside but on the outside. The he was turned on by me. The he was still calling me sexy. Once in 9 years did he call me fat. Out of ALL the arguments we have had he said it once. I'm so thankful for that because he could have used that to hurt me and he didn't. Fourth: Excitement. The after!!! OMG. I'm not even at my goal weight yet! This is when I actually started to dissect the picture. Look at the front and my neck. I have a neck now! This is the exact bra and panties I wore as last time and do you see how my cups are running over. Now it's too big. You can't even see my itty bitties in there. Backside, first I noticed my bar again. Do you see how it was thinned out from being stretched to fit and you can see my skin under. (this is a brand new bra so this isn't wear but just pulling too tight) It also was on the first set of hooks and now it's on the last and straps pulled as tight as they can. Then moving to my back roll. One side is almost gone! The side, 9 months prego to 5 months prego! OMG no clue my stomach was poking out that far. No wonder why my husband says how skinny I am now when he hugs me. He can actually reach me! And look at my legs. How much thinner they look in the after.
My husband's reaction: "Did you enlarge the first picture? You didn't do anything to it? OMG you look like a man. I feel like Shallow Hal right now and never saw that. Good job baby."
Ethan: "bahahahaha Momma you were so pale! Why are you so white? And you shrunk! Have you gotten shorter? OMG."
Friend: "OMG Sabrina!!! That is totally awesome!! your tattoo has even moved! Amazing!! The instant you have your tummy tuck, you will probably go down 2 more sizes. You are looking small as it is!! So proud of you!! 2 different people! Seriously!! No way!!! I never saw you like that. Oh, and I've deleted the pictures"
Sister: "You were pale! Big difference! I can tell a difference all around....so whens the next picture?"
Overall, I feel pretty good about this. I'm not embarrassed at all. It is what it is. I was what I was but the bottom line is it what I was and not who I am now or who I will ever be again. I'm not ashamed of these pictures. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the work I have put in and continue to. It's not easy. It's not magic. I deserve to be proud of myself at this moment. The good, the bad, and the ugly this is me and I'm okay with that.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Before & After
Here goes nothing. Picure on the left is 266.6 on June 4, 2012. Picture on the right 204 on Oct 1, 20012. 62.6 weight total weight loss. I had no idea what I looked like. I never saw the girl on the left. I also didn't realize how much sun I had been missing.
Self Image
Before surgery the psychologist told me I had a healthy self image. I looked in the mirror and I didn't see a almost 300 pound girl. It wasn't until I saw facebook post of me and was disgusted or shocked. I would immediately untag myself. I hate unapproved FB pics. lol She said that when I started to lose weight I would see the same thing. I would see FB pics and be amazed at the thinner image I see. Sometimes I do. The first group picture posted that day I was shocked about how thin my upper body looked. I know this is in my head. Well kind of. The spare tire is there but allowing myself to feel proud of this body that I'm working my ass off for is a challenge. I think time will help ease these negative thoughts in my head. Nate hugged me last night and told me how skinny I was and I immediately replied, "All but this" as I grabbed my belly. He reminded me what I don't work off he will get taken off. Not to worry and just to enjoy this. That's what I need to work on right now. Actually feeling as confident as I must look on FB. Hopefully this before and after today will help push me forward with enjoying and celebrating my new body. I celebrate the numbers but I need to celebrate the girl I see in these pictures too.
What a weekend!
I feel like an old ass woman this morning. My legs are killing me! I would love to say, "Oh, I feel wonderful. Like a rock star," but I'm keeping it real. I feel sore. I think it's from 2 things. 1.) The fast superhero speed running I was doing around those bases Friday night and 2.) the terrain of the 5K. Up, down, in, and out. Oh, and the icing on the cake: the stairs at the jaguar games. Thank God for good seats and there are only about 15 steps! I woke up this morning not wanting to run but decided to get up and go for a walk. Get my legs stretched back out and start fresh tomorrow. I'm ready to sign up for my next 5K this week schedule for Oct 28th. The Pumpkin Run in Evergreen Cemetery. I'm thinking bumble bee socks, and antenna headband and maybe a cute little stinger on my butt. :) My husband might be joining me for this one. Finger's crossed.
How did I do at the football game? Fantastic! For the shit that went down I actually wish I was more intoxicated so I could have all been a blur but I was stone cold sober. I had 3 1/2 beers before the game and switched to water inside the game. I brought a bag of chicken inside with me and snacked on some of that during the game and drank my water. Worked out perfectly. Everyone enjoyed the pulled chicken recipe and the BBQ beans so I'll take this moment to pat myself on the back.
Weight check in? 203 baby! And Nate? 203!!! Grrrr. Don't worry all that beer he drank last night will catch up to him this week. He did pick me up yesterday like I was Baby from Dirty Dancing. I'm still not comfortable with him doing that but it's nice to know he can without killing himself.
Before & After? Tonight! It's kind of unfair though because the bra I wore before is almost half empty. I wonder if you will be able to tell in the pictures? I guess I need to go out and buy new bras...grrr. Positive side: I can pick up some sexy ones from Victoria Secrets :)
On a more personal note I love those moments in life when you learn something about yourself. Good or bad. Last night I realized how much I love my husband and more importantly our marriage. We are far far from perfect and I will continue to bitch at him if the trash can is still full tonight but I thank my lucky stars for us to be where we are right now. We've earned it. The blood, sweat, and lots of tears. We've earned it. Almost a decade together and we know what works with each other. We love and respect one another. I can't tell you how many times he told me last night that he loves our marriage and he woke up this morning saying how thankful he is for us. I couldn't agree more. I saw this quote yesterday and I think it applies to us. "the couples that are 'meant to be' are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before." That describes us and our commitment to each other and our children very well. We probably shouldn't have made it through the things we have and will continue to face but we respect each other and we are in this forever. I'm just so thankful for him. Now if only I can weigh less than him he would be out of the dog house this week! ;) I know you never come here unless you think I'm mad at you Nate so unless you give me a reason you won't be coming by but if you do I LOVE YOU. I LOVE US. I'M SO VERY PROUD OF US. Thank you for an amazing weekend and your continued support and unconditional love. Believe me I know I don't deserve what God has given me with you.
How did I do at the football game? Fantastic! For the shit that went down I actually wish I was more intoxicated so I could have all been a blur but I was stone cold sober. I had 3 1/2 beers before the game and switched to water inside the game. I brought a bag of chicken inside with me and snacked on some of that during the game and drank my water. Worked out perfectly. Everyone enjoyed the pulled chicken recipe and the BBQ beans so I'll take this moment to pat myself on the back.
Weight check in? 203 baby! And Nate? 203!!! Grrrr. Don't worry all that beer he drank last night will catch up to him this week. He did pick me up yesterday like I was Baby from Dirty Dancing. I'm still not comfortable with him doing that but it's nice to know he can without killing himself.
Before & After? Tonight! It's kind of unfair though because the bra I wore before is almost half empty. I wonder if you will be able to tell in the pictures? I guess I need to go out and buy new bras...grrr. Positive side: I can pick up some sexy ones from Victoria Secrets :)
On a more personal note I love those moments in life when you learn something about yourself. Good or bad. Last night I realized how much I love my husband and more importantly our marriage. We are far far from perfect and I will continue to bitch at him if the trash can is still full tonight but I thank my lucky stars for us to be where we are right now. We've earned it. The blood, sweat, and lots of tears. We've earned it. Almost a decade together and we know what works with each other. We love and respect one another. I can't tell you how many times he told me last night that he loves our marriage and he woke up this morning saying how thankful he is for us. I couldn't agree more. I saw this quote yesterday and I think it applies to us. "the couples that are 'meant to be' are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before." That describes us and our commitment to each other and our children very well. We probably shouldn't have made it through the things we have and will continue to face but we respect each other and we are in this forever. I'm just so thankful for him. Now if only I can weigh less than him he would be out of the dog house this week! ;) I know you never come here unless you think I'm mad at you Nate so unless you give me a reason you won't be coming by but if you do I LOVE YOU. I LOVE US. I'M SO VERY PROUD OF US. Thank you for an amazing weekend and your continued support and unconditional love. Believe me I know I don't deserve what God has given me with you.
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