I weighed in at 207.5 at the doctor's office with all my clothes on. Not bad. the lady said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight." But I'm pretty positive she says that to everyone. My blood pressure was 110/70. I no longer need blood pressure medicine! 11 years later and I can say I no longer have high blood pressure. What! What! The doctor came in after a 20 minute wait, looked over my chart quickly and said I was doing great. Asked me if my energy was coming back...yes. Was I taking my vitamins...yes (well most of the time. I remember during the week but forget on the weekends) And that was it. I always feel so rushed with him and hate his bedside manner. I want C doctor. He made me feel all warm and fuzzy. No blood test this time. Next appt is Dec 18 and we will go over my blood work then. We talked about eating and drinking. Told me it was bad because it will either A.) fill up your pouch with water and you won't eat or B.) wash all you food away. 32 years I've had a glass of milk with dinner or lunch this is going to be a hard habit to break. I have to do it though because it's been making me feel nauseous and get overheated. Not a good feeling. Yesterday I had to take my shirt off in the car on the way home. My poor son was embarrassed but I was so freaking hot and sweaty. My plan to fix this is to A.) stop ordering water when we go out to eat. I've been doing it because if you say no drink the waitresses look at me weird but then I drink the water and regret the feeling. B.) tell Ethan to smack my hand when I try to take a drink of his milk or Lorelei's. I'll keep you updated on the progress. He asked if I had any restrictions and besides this most recent drink/food issue I haven't. He said no dumping means I'm following the rules. I guess that was a pat on the back.
So 2 thumbs up for me. I can't believe I'm 8 pounds away from weighing less than 200 hundred pounds. This feels like a fairy tale. It feels like I'm going to wake up and realize this was on a possibility but not reality. I wish I would have done this sooner in my life. I would do this surgery again in a heart beat. No regrets. My original weight loss goal is 170 & I can taste it! It taste like protein and lots of running but it's so worth it!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
4 years ago I found a place to vent. A place of my own. My blog was my ability to get my thoughts out, scream at the world, scream at myself, speak from my heart, sometimes from my head, and of course safe a bunch of interior designs. I type. I cry. I cry as I type but after I hit publish I felt so much better. If you know me at all you know that I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I like to process things. I like to think about things and this blog allowed me to do it. I would get all this crap out of my head and then a few days later I would come to terms with things realize I was right, realize I was wrong, realize what direction I would move forward in. I guess I should follow through with that train of thought here on my blog but I didn't need to since I had it all figured out. So, I can see how some of my blogs can see bipolar to some. Now in the last few weeks my blogs have been more public. Shit just this morning it's been viewed 6 times and I didn't even post this morning! I've been questioned on my blog postings. I've been high fived on my postings. I've made people cry and hurt people's feelings. That wasn't what this was suppose to be. This was suppose to be for me. Not a gateway to conversations and feelings I wasn't ready to discuss. That's the selfish side of me screaming STOP! STOP READING THIS! THIS IS MINE! I know it's like trying not to look at the carwreck on the side of the road though. Or checking your boyfriends email or voicemails. Once you start you just can't stop. lol We've all been there before. On the flip side when I told my sister I was going to cancel it or move to another place she gave me a sad face and said she liked reading it. My other sister told me it helped her understand me more and understand my weightloss journey. I know that's a good thing but it also makes me very vunable. Your thoughts, your heart, your feelings are the best ammunition to use against someone. Remember I choose what I let the Grayson's see or know. They were on a need to know basis. Kid updates, family updates, but never my heart. Never my feelings. Am I willing to risk that? Or is it time for Bre to move on. Or is it time for Bre to open herself up. In the end no one can really hurt me. At the end of the day the mean thoughts, emails, phone calls, judgements don't matter. I have my family. My husband, my children, my life in FL and they can't touch that. But maybe what I can do is rebuild something I worked so hard to remove from my life. . My relationship with the rest of them.
So what will I do? Oh, you know I have no fucking clue. Blog, think, process. That's my thing. My husband let me crawl into a warm tub yesterday and listen to love songs. Today's slacker radio station: Love songs. Somehow the sad songs heal my heart. I think I got that from my mom. I remember how she woudl sit on her computer and listen to the sad songs, that I know by heart now, and cry but it made her feel better. It makes me feel better.
Weight Update: 207.2 this morning!!! Can you freaking believe it! I'm so close to under 200 pounds for the first time since 2001. What did I pick as an reward? New asics running shoes! I know it amazes me too. My goal of weighing less than Nate? He weighed in at 204.2 (butthead!) I have a doctor appt in one hour. I hope to hear that the last 3 months I've been a good girl. God knows I'm trying. I'm not dieting. I'm just being a healthier version of me. I'll update you on what he says. Also the status of my before and after picture? I want to be honest the reason I have posted it is because of you! lol Whoever you guys are. The before is not pretty. It's me. In my bra and panties not sucking in, all 266.6 pounds of me. IT'S NOT PRETTY. Shit, I'm not sure if 207.2 of me is that pretty either but it's an improvement. When I realized more people were reading this I didn't want to post the picture. I didn't want them to copy and paste it on their computers and mail them out with their Christmas cards. lol I decided last night if I'm going to keep this blog I'm going to do it. I'm going to put myself at your mercy. If I'm going to move forward with my weight with my family I have to trust. I have to canonball into the deep end. This is how I'm going to do it. Sun glasses recommended because my belly was WHITE!
Also, if I'm going to keep this I might as well apologize for my grammer and writing skills now. My husband is the brains and I'm the beauty. I don't want to put too much thought into this. Just the ramblings of a 32 year old girl not a New York Times editorial. No judgements please!
So what will I do? Oh, you know I have no fucking clue. Blog, think, process. That's my thing. My husband let me crawl into a warm tub yesterday and listen to love songs. Today's slacker radio station: Love songs. Somehow the sad songs heal my heart. I think I got that from my mom. I remember how she woudl sit on her computer and listen to the sad songs, that I know by heart now, and cry but it made her feel better. It makes me feel better.
Weight Update: 207.2 this morning!!! Can you freaking believe it! I'm so close to under 200 pounds for the first time since 2001. What did I pick as an reward? New asics running shoes! I know it amazes me too. My goal of weighing less than Nate? He weighed in at 204.2 (butthead!) I have a doctor appt in one hour. I hope to hear that the last 3 months I've been a good girl. God knows I'm trying. I'm not dieting. I'm just being a healthier version of me. I'll update you on what he says. Also the status of my before and after picture? I want to be honest the reason I have posted it is because of you! lol Whoever you guys are. The before is not pretty. It's me. In my bra and panties not sucking in, all 266.6 pounds of me. IT'S NOT PRETTY. Shit, I'm not sure if 207.2 of me is that pretty either but it's an improvement. When I realized more people were reading this I didn't want to post the picture. I didn't want them to copy and paste it on their computers and mail them out with their Christmas cards. lol I decided last night if I'm going to keep this blog I'm going to do it. I'm going to put myself at your mercy. If I'm going to move forward with my weight with my family I have to trust. I have to canonball into the deep end. This is how I'm going to do it. Sun glasses recommended because my belly was WHITE!
Also, if I'm going to keep this I might as well apologize for my grammer and writing skills now. My husband is the brains and I'm the beauty. I don't want to put too much thought into this. Just the ramblings of a 32 year old girl not a New York Times editorial. No judgements please!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Accountability
Please help me. The people that are reading this blog. I need accountability. Words are just words & a waste of time if I don't follow through. Whether its on my family or personal relationships or weight loss please push me to keep my word. Don't let me get pissed in a week & blame it on someone else. This isn't a pity party. Hold me accountable!!!
No boogieman
I really hate people who play the victim. Who like to blame everyone else for the bad things that happen in their life. Imagine how I felt when I realized this no excuse momma had her very own boogieman to blame. Bad trip home? Boogieman's fault. Fight with my father? Boogieman's fault. Crossing the line? The Boogieman pushed me. Bad relationship with my Mother? Boogieman's doing. Regardless if the Boogieman has had a small hand in any of it I always put the full blame on her.
Stop blaming the boogieman Sabrina! Stop saying your ready to forgive & move forward but pull out the same old blame card. Why can I be so forgiving with all the rest of them but not her? I guess reality is I blame the current strain of my relationship with my mother on the boogieman. I feel like she has been working behind the scene against me instead of the way I worked to get her sister/kids to her wedding to help her. The way she didn't work to mend things for my wedding. I think that was the creation of the boogieman for me. To know that on the one happiest days of my life she was still trying to be hurtful & say mean things about me on my wedding day. But are you really holding onto that Sabrina? Are you that pathetic? It was 4 years ago. It didn't ruin your day, move on. Then, during my 7 months of pregnancy the day of constant beatings. Over 100 text messages. "Your parents hate you. Your own mother can't stand you. You're father thinks your disgusting." Laying in bed sobbing. feeling defeated bc I couldn't fight for myself because I had to fight for my baby. My husband calling her asking her to stop & her reply being, "oh, are you going to go into labor? Hehehe". Are you still holding onto that? Still blaming the Boogieman for that Bre? You didn't go into labor. You called your father & had a great conversation with him & your mother. You gave birth right when you were suppose to. You said you forgave. Did you? And now the little things. You blame the boogieman. Lets not act like you don't remember you made choices Sabrina. You choose to shut yourself off from all of them. Yes, it might have been to protect yourself but it was still your choice. Not hers. You decide what & when they can be part of your life. If they don't know you it can't be their fault you shut down a long time ago. If your relationship is strained with your mother it's your fault. You show no desire to fix it. You decide to live your day thinking you are fine without her.
You can't then go back & blame the boogieman. & maybe the blame is because of jealousy. mostly because of your mom. you wish you could go back at the same time you refuse to give in. I'm not asking you to look past the parts the boogieman has played in your hurt but its time to move on. Its time for you to stand by the choices YOU made & continue to make. but you cant blame someone else for everything. No excuses, remember?
Did I just give myself a lecture? Lol I must be losing it! I love & hate moments like this. The moments when I feel like I have everything figured out & realize I have a lot to learn. I thought this next year would be about my weight loss. I have a feeling it will be a whole lot more. Closing some doors permanent. Opening new doors. Whatever they might be I must remember that they are my choices.
Stop blaming the boogieman Sabrina! Stop saying your ready to forgive & move forward but pull out the same old blame card. Why can I be so forgiving with all the rest of them but not her? I guess reality is I blame the current strain of my relationship with my mother on the boogieman. I feel like she has been working behind the scene against me instead of the way I worked to get her sister/kids to her wedding to help her. The way she didn't work to mend things for my wedding. I think that was the creation of the boogieman for me. To know that on the one happiest days of my life she was still trying to be hurtful & say mean things about me on my wedding day. But are you really holding onto that Sabrina? Are you that pathetic? It was 4 years ago. It didn't ruin your day, move on. Then, during my 7 months of pregnancy the day of constant beatings. Over 100 text messages. "Your parents hate you. Your own mother can't stand you. You're father thinks your disgusting." Laying in bed sobbing. feeling defeated bc I couldn't fight for myself because I had to fight for my baby. My husband calling her asking her to stop & her reply being, "oh, are you going to go into labor? Hehehe". Are you still holding onto that? Still blaming the Boogieman for that Bre? You didn't go into labor. You called your father & had a great conversation with him & your mother. You gave birth right when you were suppose to. You said you forgave. Did you? And now the little things. You blame the boogieman. Lets not act like you don't remember you made choices Sabrina. You choose to shut yourself off from all of them. Yes, it might have been to protect yourself but it was still your choice. Not hers. You decide what & when they can be part of your life. If they don't know you it can't be their fault you shut down a long time ago. If your relationship is strained with your mother it's your fault. You show no desire to fix it. You decide to live your day thinking you are fine without her.
You can't then go back & blame the boogieman. & maybe the blame is because of jealousy. mostly because of your mom. you wish you could go back at the same time you refuse to give in. I'm not asking you to look past the parts the boogieman has played in your hurt but its time to move on. Its time for you to stand by the choices YOU made & continue to make. but you cant blame someone else for everything. No excuses, remember?
Did I just give myself a lecture? Lol I must be losing it! I love & hate moments like this. The moments when I feel like I have everything figured out & realize I have a lot to learn. I thought this next year would be about my weight loss. I have a feeling it will be a whole lot more. Closing some doors permanent. Opening new doors. Whatever they might be I must remember that they are my choices.
2 pounds
208.8! 2 pounds from last week. I know I keep saying I'm ready for the stall but I know it will mess with my head. 4 pounds away from Nate. 3 month appointment tomorrow. I hope my labs come back okay. 1 more day of at home vacation with my hubby. Happy Monday
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I think it's real this time
I think this will be my first stall or gain this Monday. I weighed in at 210.6 last week. I've done everything right this week but I haven't lost any weight. Not going to let this get me down. It's weird that for some reason I feel fatter than I was a few weeks ago even though I've lost weight. A large part of this is so mental. I have my first softball game on Friday & I'm so nervous. I don't want to suck. I hat the attention of my at the plate. Then the 5K Saturday. I still don't have that I love to run feeling but I want to keep pushing through. Fingers crossed for even a couple ounces of a loss tomorrow!
What a weekend.
48 hours of Husband & Wife time. Not our roles as momma/dada, providers, caregiver, responsibilities. Just us. The two that built this family enjoying each other. We started off by riding with the windows down which I never do for 40 miles. It sounds like such a little thing but my husband loved it & I loved doing it for him. Hate my hair after though. For on a scooter for the first time because I wasn't worried about being the fat girl on the scooter. Walked hand & hand down the streets of St Augustine. I got to tell him how much I love & appreciate him over the candlelight of our favorite restaurant. How the time we have together never feels like enough. I don't know what I did to deserve this man but I'm so thankful. I'm in love with my husband more today than I was 4 years ago. Our marriage & relationship has evolved just like we have. We are growing up together & we are in this 100%. Not for our children but because we love each other. I love him. For all of him & he's a saint for loving me just as I am. We have one more day of hooky before the real world starts again Tuesday & then we get one day in November to take out pics (our photographer had a death in the family) & then it's Vegas in Jan!!!
I know you don't read this often Nate but if you do happen to read this thank you. Thank you for being the man who changed my heart. People give me so much credit for the changes & improvements in your life but I don't think they know how much I needed you. How much I need you. You are my strength. my straight line. You fill my heart & soul with unconditional love even when I don't deserve it. You give me the strength to face the hurt in life & to be the mother I want to for my children. And you blow my mind away 9 years later. I love you Mr. Brigance. Always.
I know you don't read this often Nate but if you do happen to read this thank you. Thank you for being the man who changed my heart. People give me so much credit for the changes & improvements in your life but I don't think they know how much I needed you. How much I need you. You are my strength. my straight line. You fill my heart & soul with unconditional love even when I don't deserve it. You give me the strength to face the hurt in life & to be the mother I want to for my children. And you blow my mind away 9 years later. I love you Mr. Brigance. Always.
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