I think I'm in love

This morning was my first visit with Dr. Love, I mean Dr. Joe. He was wonderful!!!! He was so positive and upbeat. For the next 6 months I will go visit with him and record all of the items I listed below. The idea is to retrain your pancreas, brain, and stomach. He will work on my pancreas and brain. Surgery will obvious fix my stomach. (Warning: I'm awful at medical jargon and terms and will probably mess some of this stuff up) I'm going to be on a 1400 calorie diet for the next 6 months. I'm suppose to stay away from POTATOES, DESSERTS, RICE, PASTA, BREAD. (what about the 12 boxes of hamburger helper I just bought!) This will help retrain my pancreas to not crave evening snacks and junk. Walk a mile each day. Retrain the brain and stimulate my metabolism.

He asked me about going back on phentermine to help with the weight loss but I said no. 2 reasons. I don't want to lose too much weight during this next 6 months and not be eligible for surgery. The second reason is too personal to put even on a page that no one reads :)

My blood pressure was 140/90. Not too bad but the bottom number is not good. He switched my medicine to Benazepril-Hydrachlorothiazide. (Whatever that means!)

I left with such a better feeling than I had with my previous doctor. This guy gets it. His staff gets it. Day one of my journey begins!!!

Oh, and I felt great until I walked off the elevator and this woman looked down at my stomach. I know she was thinking, "Is she pregnant or isn't she?" Blah!

Current weight: 282.2

Weight Loss Goals

I'm sure this will be on ongoing goal list. I will updated it as I achieve or add things to my list.

1. Weigh less than 200 pounds
2. Weight: 145. This is my goal. This will change once I speak to my doctor.
3. Take Family pictures
4. Take pictures with Nate, maybe boudoir pictures :)
5. Go to an amusement park with Nate and go on all the roller coasters
6. Go iceskating
7. Shop at the Gap, Learners, and Express
8. Go to a waterpark and ride all the rides with Ethan
9. Wear shorts
10. Dance in a club or bar
11. Run a 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon
12. Try "fun" things with my husband ;)
13. Go to a costume party
14. Wear a skirt to work
15. Hold my head up high when I walk into a room
16. Go to the beach (please Lord don't let me get eatin' by a shark)
17. Wear knee high boots
18. Play a full basketball game against Ethan and his friends.
19. Buy bikes and go on bike rides with the family
20. Wear one of Nate's t-shirts to bed
21. Go horseback riding
22. Go to one of those underground clubs with Nate

Then you will be pretty

We just came home from a 4 day vacation in Virginia Beach. Actually it was half vacation and half work since I had a handful of photography sessions during the weekend. I saw people that I haven't seen since high school. All extra 120 pounds of me. I felt like screaming I won't be fat foor too much longer. Or I'm going to require these same people to see me in a year and a half from now. lol Anyhow, when I walked into my Mom's house my Lola asked if I was pregnant. Nice. Why can't I get fat width ways instead of looking like I'm pregnant? I told my parents and Lola what I was planning on doing in May. They all seemed very supportive but you never know with them. Anyhow, on my last day while eating lunch with my Lola she pointed out that after I had surgery I will be pretty. I just said yes. I thought I was pretty now. I thought my Grandmother and mother would think I'm pretty now. I guess I was wrong. Part of me wants to defend them. After all I'm fat. But c'mon! Who says that to their granddaughter or children? I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I know that sometimes I look pretty. I guess not to my family.

Tomorrow is my first doctors appointment with Dr. Joseph Czerkawski. I'm very excited to start this six month process. I'm going to remind myself to stay positive and to be patience. I'm ahead of the game already.

I also opened a fortune cookie last night that said something like, "Keep you plans a secret for now." It's funny how my boys could have open that cookie. Or I could have thrown it away since it had been there for 5 days but I opened it and I felt like the message was directed to me.

The story of the fat

I wouldn't say that I was always fat because now looking back at myself pre-Ethan I wouldn't consider myself fat. I was a size 14, around 170 pounds at 20 years old. I could wear almost anything I wanted and look good in it. Shit that summer I was even wearing a bikini to the beach! I was a size 13-14. During my size 14 years, I tried slim fast drinks to lose weight. I didn't exercise but I was out at the clubs dancing almost every night! While pregnant with Ethan I remember the day I went over 200 pounds. My ex-husband made a comment about it at my doctors visit. At that time I still didn't feel fat. I was carrying a baby. I had high blood pressure and lots of water retention. After I delivered Ethan I lost 20 pounds of the 60 I had put on. That still put me at 220 by 21 years old. Again looking back at pictures of me holding Ethan I didn't look fat as I felt. Oh, what I would give to be back at 220. :) After that it just started to happen gradually. 220, 240 when I met Nate. 250-260 for a long time. 8 years ago I tried weight watchers and failed miserably. I think I lost a total of 4lbs and thought it was a waste of time after a month. In 2005 I tried phentermine and vitamins. I lost 25 pounds but the cost of the vitamins and prescription was close to $150 a month. It was an expense I didn't want to keep paying and stopped. Hello 25 pounds! In 2008, I joined Anytime Fitness. I went maybe 10 times and lost 0 pounds...obviously. $400 down the drain. In 2009, I joined the gym with my boss. I tried eating healthy. I was actually going to the gym. I went from the end of June until October. I even worked out during one of my business trips. But I saw very little weight loss and with Linda's sickness I slowly stopped going. I liked the feeling of working out. Of getting that sweat dripping off my head. It felt great!!! But I didn't see any results and I got discouraged and eventually stopped.

2010 (250-260): During my pregnancy with Lorelei I gained 25 pounds. At my 6 week post appointment I was back to my post pregnancy weight. 11 months later I'm back at 283. It's 100% my fault. Nate & I have been eating like crap. I bought a treadmill in March and I used it a few times but could never schedule in a good time to do it. When I got home from work, dinner, dishes, baby, it was 8:30 before I got to sit down and I was tired. Even though I'm typically a morning person, since Lorelei's birth I haven't been. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I want sleep. So, if she sleeps in until 7:30am, I'm sleeping until 7:30am. I'm not making the time to burn off what I'm putting in. Now, I feel fat! I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel sorry for my husband. I feel embarrassed for my son. I want it gone. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to stand up tall and not try to disappear when I walk into a home. I want to be happy with me.

My choice

I'm fat. Well actually I'm not just fat, I'm morbidly obese. How disgusting is that? I've made a choice. In May I'm going to elect to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I understand that I'm choosing to have surgery to fix something that I might be able to fix by shutting my pie hole and getting on a treadmill but the truth is I've tried. I've struggled and I'm gaining more weight. The truth is I'm killing myself. The longer I am fat, no morbidly obese, the more years I'm taking off of my life. The more time I'm letting slip through my fingers with my husband and my beautiful children. I'm ready for a new life for me and my family.

The journey won't be easy. Don't be fooled to think that I'm taking the easy way out. The insurance carrier requires that I participate in a minimum of six months weight-management program that documents that following components:
Vital Signs
Dietary Program
Physical Activity
Behavior intervention to reinforce healthy eating & exercise habits

I must also have a psychological evaluation. Wonder if I will pass that? :)

The out of pocket expense is going to be around $6,000. That price alone has been a struggle with me. $6,000 on myself? I could spend that money on my kids or husband. But I keep reminding myself that this isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

For the next 9 months I'm going to document my journey though this blog. After the surgery I'm going to document my choice. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be filled with ups and downs. That I will face challenge. With the support of my husband I know that I will reach my goal. To live my life.

Current Stats: Weight-283.3 BMI:41.8

MB Ideas

I also love the pics from this recent masterbedroom makeover. http://www.suburbanspunkdesign.com/2010/05/master-bedroom-redo-reveal.html

Our Nursery Inspiration

This is the nursery inspiration we settled on for Lorelei found on ratemyspace. The boys are going to paint the nursery this weekend and I can't wait to get started on the rest!

Wall Decal: http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=23979381

The wall color is Martinique Dawn from Valspar, pink window panels are from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and the chandelier is from Home Depot. (Hampton Bay Kristin Collection Antique White Finish 3-Light Mini Chandelier (Model # HB3430-44)

Letter: http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=27036713

I think for now we have decided to go without the bumper and bedding sets because of the risk of SIDs. We will be putting on a bed skirt though which I will be making :) I want to run the bedskirt to the ground to help conseal storage. I think I will also be leaving out the mobile. As a baby Ethan did not use and then he tore it down every morning lol.

I was thinking of adding a few other ideas in to make it our own and not an exact replica. over the changing dresser/table. something like this.

Next to the changing table a small antique white rocking chair with these neat toy and book holders attached to the wall.

And then the dresser we are painting to match the crib lining the dressers with a lighter paper.