Expectations

I lead my 2nd Al Anon meeting today on expectations. I had very high expectations of other people. I expected people to behave a certain way and to carry themselves in a higher manner. I use to say, "Who does that?" all the time. It was my phrase when talking to my husband about people. Over the past several years I've adjusted my expectations of people and the results have been amazing. I think my parents are better parents because I've adjusted my expectations. My sister's are better sister, my friends are better friends, my children, and so on. I used the example of  Ethan's birthday party. I invited my family with 0 expectation for any of them to show up. When I got the email from my older sister that her and her family plus Christina would be attending I was shocked. They were taking time off of work for my son. It really touched my heart. Then when I got the call from my Dad you can say my floor pretty much hit the ground. Not having such high expectations of people really allows me to enjoy who they really are instead of what my will is on them.

My mom also called me on my birthday this year. I don't expect that and I honestly still haven't listened to the message but the fact that she called me is enough for me.

Lowering my expectation has also improved my marriage. I don't know when I became so damn perfect but in my mind I was and I put so much pressure on Nate. He was constantly disappointing me and I would equate that into him not loving me enough. He would lie to me or avoid the truth because of all the expectations I put on him. I made myself up to be perfect and him to be the one who needed improving. The truth of the matter was I was the problem. I was setting him up to fail. I was setting him up and destroying his self worth. I'm still not cured of that but I do believe I'm better. I've said it hundred times he is a better partner to me than I am of him. He allows my flaws and never punishes me for them. He's allowed me the last 10 years to be a work in progress. People are crazy when they think he married up or what would he be without me. Shit, where would I be without him? I have someone to love me unconditionally. He never made me feel like I had to be perfect. He just loved me. As broken and shattered as I was when he met me. Even now when my healing isn't finished he lets me work through it on my owns and doesn't put pressure on me or expectations. When I started to allow him to be himself and lowered my unreasonable expectations our marriage and the unnecessary fights stopped. Even typing this though I know that I could do better when it comes to my husband.

What's funny is that during the meeting I realized I have to work more on isn't my expectations of others but my exceptions of myself. I hold myself up to a very high standard. I must pick up my house before people come over, must have this big party for Lorelei because that is what people expect me to do. I'm expected to do that. It's not my party and it doesn't matter if my daughter wants box mac n cheese and it doesn't matter what it appears to look like on FB. What matters is I'm giving my daughter the day she wants. It's okay for me not to be perfect. I have to release myself of my own expectations.

I ended today with this quote: "I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open."  What a great way to live day to day. It's okay to have boundaries. I've set boundaries with my mother. Not dictated boundaries but boundaries I've set mentally. I've sent my expectations low. I can't expect her to be things shes not and will never be and that's okay. And my heart is wide open. I can accept any type of love she wants to give me and appreciate it without resentment. What an amazing feeling.