My Wish

Stage 9: Radiant Love. Couples who, as they survive tragedy, crisis, and normal hormonal development, find their love constantly reignited become the couples that others come to admire greatly. Their love seems to radiate from them.

he just doesnt get it

I live in a constant fear that my husband will be dead one day. And he just doesn't get it. We got into another fight yesterday because of my concern with his health and it scares the shit out of me that he is not scared of death. That he thinks that he is Superman. That he says things like, "I'm not going to die" or "you do it why can't I?". The worst part is he has 100% put it all on me because he doesn't want me to talk to anyone else about my concerns with his life choices. When I tell him to ask his doctors if it okay or to tell his mom or sister, he says I don't want to drag them into it. He doesn't understand that if he has another heart attack they are all going to come to me for answers and he will no longer be there to be self accountable for his actions. But I will. So his response to that is just don't tell them! Thank you. Thank you for then letting it sit on my conscious for the rest of my life. That I can live in my own mental prison knowing that I didn't do everything I could to keep you safe. Thank you for loving me that much. I always give into him and every time I do I feel weaker. I am a stronger person than this but after an argument like this I don't feel like it. I should be able to say no to him especially if it is our best interest. But even after I did yesterday and he got mad I kept thinking I should haven't have said anything. It is my fault that he was in a bad mood. What's the big deal Sabrina? He just wants to have a good time? What the big deal you stupid girl?!? Your husband's life. Isn't that more important than making him happy at that moment. Won't he love you and understand eventually? But he doesn't. He thinks that I am irrational and just paranoid and probably no fun. And just a bitch. There have been times that he has slept all day and I haven't heard from him and it is 2, 3, 5pm and my head is racing with thoughts. First I get angry. I know he is sleeping but then I get scared. What if he's not? What if he has had another heart attack and there is no one there to call 911. What if he is laying on the floor and can't get help? Then I get even more angry, this son of a bitch is making me scared and not decent enough to pick up his phone or to have told me he would be off today and asleep. Why isn't he picking up the phone? Maybe he can't? Oh God, what if....then the thoughts reappear in my head. The last time it happened, I didn't even pick Ethan up first because I didn't know what I was going to be walking into. I didn't know if he was okay. I didn't know if I would see him laying lifelesly on the floor and I couldn't bear our son seeing that. Who has to worry about those things? And then instead of understanding my fears he gets mad at me for being upset. Can't I take a day off? Can't I just sleep? Yes, of course but can't you just tell me??? If not, my imagination runs away with me. Plus what 31 yr old man sleeps until 5pm? I knew a 30 yrs old man that did and a few weeks later he had a heart attack. And it was you, you jackass!!!! How can he just pretend these things didn't happen? Why isn't he able to be super careful with his health and life choices.

I can't lose him. I am so scared he is going to die. We are suppose to grow old together. I need him. I need him in my life. Ethan needs him in his life. But I feel like he either thinks that he is invincible or not afraid of death and doesn't value his life. He says it is neither one but then why is he like this? Why isn't he being to close as perfect as possible? Why doesn't he want to save me from feeling like this? Does he love the choices he is making over me and Ethan? Why is he so selfish? Can't he see that I just love him and I am so scared that this life we have can be over at any minute? What can I do to help him see that he can't continue on like this? I told him yesterday what he is doing after every incident like this is I am going to learn to not care. Because I am going to want to avoid the hurt when it does happen. And let me be very clear on this. It isn't IF it does happen. It is WHEN. I know that my husband will have another heart attack. I just don't know if he is going to survive this one. So if he doesn't care why should I? I know the way I am. I am able to turn my feelings off. It is hard but I avoid being hurt. He will push me away and it won't matter to me anymore because he I mourned him days, weeks, or years before. Right now I feel helpless. I feel like if this continues on I am watching a countdown clock and I am just waiting for it to hit 00:00. Then he will be gone and all of this our life would have been just a dream.

Tablescape Inspirations

http://freshpalette.blogspot.com/2007/12/tablescapes.html

I was thinking about adding a print on the table to lean against the way. I need some layers and more depth to the buffet..

my craiglist $15 beauties

Like with everything else in my house this might not be these pretty things final resting place but I think when the light above is installed it might be. So I found these on craigslist yesterday 3 week old post, Crate & Barrel vases for $25. I was planning on spraying them white but after I washed them I actually like them. Oh, and I offered her $15. Can you say "SCORE!!!"

my wired balls

wire balls purchased from cb2. You couldn't even notice them before in this post on the shelf. color to the rescue!Rust-oleum colonial red & warm sunset. 2 coats The detail pops out now.

Now I think I want to spray the basket white. I had to take this picture with the flash on because it still didn't have that POP i was looking for.

Attempt to add some color

my inspiration is our dining room art and then classic white ceramics. this is what I worked on today. so far so good! tell me what you think

The original thrift store finds. after I spray painted them black of course.A little bit of white gloss spray painttwo coats of white

And then I added the black beauties from the guy on the street. I need candles still but I like it. I want to find another table runner too. I love this one but I have had the hardest time to find alternatives.

I had an idea

While talking/working this morning with Yari I had a bright idea. Per my previous post I need to lighten up the decor in my house. While looking at our dining room art, I decided to accessories with crisp whites, red, and yellow. Then I remembered our co-ed shower my girls threw for us last year. LEMONS!!! Crisp white and lemons and a green accent (because of my couch)..check out these pics from Pottery Barn

Check out the picture below. It is my next project. I have a bed tray with an insert. I am going to spray paint it a nice fresh color and use it on my coffee table. One of the fun things is that it has a glass insert so I can change out the fabric I place underneath it. And it will cost less than $10.

It feels good have some direction again! I think I am even going to give my blog a new fresh look to inspire me even more :)

Ideas to Lighten Things Up

I know you must think I am spray painting crazy. But even Oprah's doing it! Check out what was in the current edition of O.

This really makes the options endless. I would love to get started ASAP but with spring right around the corner Nate & I really need to get started on our yard and power wash the back porch. That is our plan for next weekend. Well, my plan and I am going to let him in on it ;)

This & That

We have been quite busy the last few months with little projects here and there. I thought I would share them with you most are thrift store or yard sale finds. I am not happy with my "tablescapes" so I have just put things down for now until I get all the pieces I want. My goal is to lighting the accessories up a bit. I love the black furniture but I want white accessories to pop out on them. Still lots and lots of work to do. And if you couldn't tell I'm too ADD to focus on one room. Disclaimer: Pictures taken at night, poor lighting, and the room isn't dusted

I bought these candle sticks the same time I bought the ones on top of the kitchen cabinets. Yaritza & I found them at the Jacksonville Humane Society Thrift Store. The price was $2-3 a piece. They had a ton of candle sticks that were a dark brown prior to spray painting. The candle is not staying. I want white candles just need to go buy some. I was thinking about spray painting the candle stick white instead. What do you think?

The glass bell I bought at the Humane Society Thrift store $4 and spray painted the brown base black. The ceramic dish I picked up at one of trips to the VA Thrift Store. It was under 5. What should I put into the bell? I was thinking about artichokes or some pretty pears?

The print I purchased for $1 from the JHS Thrist Store. I scored the day I got the candle sticks. :) It went perfect with the ones I had already purchased from allposters.com for the dining room but almost 99% less! The frame I purchased from Michael's during a 50% sale. I think it was $8. I have read that some ladies paint the mats so I want to try it with this one. It is currently a cream but I want it white.

$2 for these ceramic candle sticks! Courtesy from the man on the side of the street. I didn't have to do a thing with them but they do need candles.

The picture ledge was a gift yrs ago from my previous in-laws. I never used it and it was a cherry wood color. Spray painted it black :) The frames I had around the house and the abacus belonged to Nate's dad. See the picture of the baby? That is Nate's mom holding him as a child :) One of my favorite pictures. The iron thingy I purchased from Joann's for 70% off, it was $4 something. Previously a rustic iron color..spray painted it black

The square short vase I purchased for $2 at the Goodwill Thrift Store. It is a gorgeous store with great furniture pieces but it is expensive. Oh I also scored some fake lemons for a .10 a piece because the manager was tired of picking them up that day.

This is the shelf we purchased before Xmas off of Craigslist. I love it. The storage is great for decorating items I'm not currently using. I'm not satisfied with the items on the shelf though. The family & inspire sign I got for xmas. They were original black and you couldn't see them. Hubby spray painted them off white for me. The oval short urn in the middle I purchased from the Micheal's clearance section and was a dark red color. It was only a few bucks and I spray painted it the same off white color. I really really really want to lighten the shelf up. I found a few ideas in the current pottery barn magazine and Better Homes & Garden Magazine I picked up at Lowes this morning. I'll let you know how it turns out!

Wall Wine Rack

During a yard sale field trip, we found this from a guy on the side of the road. He had the best prices of the day! (I am going to post pictures of all our little treasures in a bit.) So, Nate eyed this not so great hand made wine rack. Someone did an awesome job building this thing but never painted(spray painted) it. It was only $3!!! We figured, why not! If it ends up looking like crap then it is only $3 down the drain.

Okay, now I know she isn't a looker. But can you at least see her potential?

She will hold 3 wine bottles and glasses below. First, I had to vacuum it! It had cobwebs and dust/dirt in the nooks and crannies. The left shelf was loose so I used wood glue and clamp to secure it into place. I then used some wood filler to fill in the seams.

Then I primed her. I ran out of primer so I finished it up with some cheap black spray paint. This is her after coat #1. Nate wanted to paint her instead of spray paint. But since he isn't home...hehehe No, the real reason is because it is made from real wood and when I tried painting real wood with a brush before I had problems going with the grain of the wood. Yes, I know I painted 3 tables but I used a roller. She also isn't a simpole flat surface so I thought spray paint would get into the places I couldn't reach.
This is after coat #2 1/2. I ran out of black spray paint!!!! Didn't I just say you can never have enough black spray paint? I have to respray within 4 hours so I have to run to the store. Why? Because if you wait longer it can cause the paint to buckle and lift. And I am not sanding this biotch...I mean beauty, if I mess it up!

Thrift Store Lamp

We are in desperate need of table lighting in our living room. I found the diamond in a rough lamp at one of mine and Yaritza's favorite thrift store. It is basically a giant warehouse of crap! We have found all kind of great things there. Like this thing. I have named it thing because I honestly don't know what it is. :) I mean ....thing is a official decorating name...absolutely.

$4 It is heavy as shitz and was original concrete gray. I primed and spray painted it Mediterranean blue. We haven't finalized his home yet.

Okay, back to my lamp. I think it was $6. it was chipped and scratched and just needed some TLC.

It was originally brown with silver accents. I wanted it black, of course :)

I taped off the silver, cord, and top. Then I sanded it. Basically just roughed it up a bit.

Primed. This is the primer that I used on our coffee table so it was free :) Oh and the painters tape I had in my "shop" from painting the house.

I spray painted it black satin. $3.44 from Lowes. I probably had enough at home but hey you can never have too much black spray paint :)

This is after I pulled off the tape. I think it looks great. Without the lampshade the project cost around $10. I was thinking of something like the one below. A rectangle lampshade to go with the base. I think that the shade might be more than the actually lamp but I am okay with that because I still saved almost 80% retail cost. And as soon as I find the perfect one it will stand proudly and brightly in our living room

Kitchen Chalkboard

With the boys camping this weekend I decided to tackle a few of my thrift store/yard sale projects. First up was a chalkboard for our Kitchen. I searched and searched for the perfect painting/frame to spray paint. The spot in my kitchen needed some longer and narrow. A few weekends ago Nate, E-Diddy and I went to a handful of yard sales. (Yes, the boys love going to yard sales! It was actually their idea. :) It was a load of fun and we scored some great finds. We do need to work on bargaining a bit. We are too nice!) So, we stumbled upon an estate sale. And we found this painting. It ended up that it was one of the previous owners favorite and she had it over her bed for probably 30 years. We should have paid somewhere around $5 but c'mon it was an estate sale. The ladies mom was in heaven and E-diddy got 20 free Coke-Cola pencils. We felt bad after the lady said it was one of her mom's favorites especially knowing that I was going to spray painted but I am sure the sweet lady would be happy to know that it will be used and loved years to come.

Original Painting & Frame

I sanded the flowers down a bit to get rid of the texture and then primed the whole thing.

Then I used Chalk board spray paint and the canvas. I didn't cover the frame because I wanted to get underneath the edge of the frame. I gave it 3 coats of paint. The CB spray paint was around $4 at Walmart

Then I covered the canvas with newspaper and sprayed 2 coats of red spray paint on the frame. I used the same spray paint on the projects for the cabinet ledge. So it was free :)

And here she is in her glory. There was already a nail hanging but it needs to be lowered when my hubby returns. I am going to attack a string to hang the chalk. This thing is going to be great for messages and To Do List. The entire project cost under $15 bucks. I am thinking about making one for E-diddy out of a full length mirror frame to hang on the wall behind his door.

Check out this similar chalkboard from Ballard Designs for over $100 some up to $329! I think it would be child abuse if I paid this much for a chalkboard!

Art Work & Curtain Idea's for our Master Bedroom

Courtesey of the stamford wife This would also give me something to do with some of our TTD pics..and the other frames scrapbook paper

The look for our bedroom

Doesn't that look like a nice place to shut the door and relax? Check out BowerPower for her look for less

Fear

No doubt that this a-hole has haunted me for years. I still have nightmares that include Jason chasing me around the house and for some reason he never gets me but he almost does everytime. When I wake up I lay perfectly still and listen in the dark bc I just know he is in my house somewhere. (See why I don't watch scary movies)

My biggest fear right now is 1pm-9pm. My husband's new possible hours. For a job opportunity he has decided to close down Innobyte in the middle of April. He was offered a Cisco position that would be the first step to his dream career but the hours are 1pm-9pm. When he told me the other week I started to cry. I love my husband. I want to be with him and have him home with us. And I felt bad for crying in front of him because I don't want him to feel guilty about this. I know he needs to do this and I can't hold him back. Now that emotion is sadness not fear. The fear comes in from this. The ending of my first marriage was during a night shift. He was working 2 to 11pm and I worked 8-5pm. Monday through Friday we didn't spend anytime together. Ethan was in daycare and by the time he came home we were both asleep. And he met another lady that worked with him and they spent 5 days a week together and the rest is history. I am scared it is going to happen again. I know that my husband isn't my ex. He is a better man than X could ever be but I am still scared. Just like I know Jason isn't real, I still have the dreams.

Homemade Cake Stand

LOVE IT

Check it out here