My Wish

Stage 9: Radiant Love. Couples who, as they survive tragedy, crisis, and normal hormonal development, find their love constantly reignited become the couples that others come to admire greatly. Their love seems to radiate from them.

he just doesnt get it

I live in a constant fear that my husband will be dead one day. And he just doesn't get it. We got into another fight yesterday because of my concern with his health and it scares the shit out of me that he is not scared of death. That he thinks that he is Superman. That he says things like, "I'm not going to die" or "you do it why can't I?". The worst part is he has 100% put it all on me because he doesn't want me to talk to anyone else about my concerns with his life choices. When I tell him to ask his doctors if it okay or to tell his mom or sister, he says I don't want to drag them into it. He doesn't understand that if he has another heart attack they are all going to come to me for answers and he will no longer be there to be self accountable for his actions. But I will. So his response to that is just don't tell them! Thank you. Thank you for then letting it sit on my conscious for the rest of my life. That I can live in my own mental prison knowing that I didn't do everything I could to keep you safe. Thank you for loving me that much. I always give into him and every time I do I feel weaker. I am a stronger person than this but after an argument like this I don't feel like it. I should be able to say no to him especially if it is our best interest. But even after I did yesterday and he got mad I kept thinking I should haven't have said anything. It is my fault that he was in a bad mood. What's the big deal Sabrina? He just wants to have a good time? What the big deal you stupid girl?!? Your husband's life. Isn't that more important than making him happy at that moment. Won't he love you and understand eventually? But he doesn't. He thinks that I am irrational and just paranoid and probably no fun. And just a bitch. There have been times that he has slept all day and I haven't heard from him and it is 2, 3, 5pm and my head is racing with thoughts. First I get angry. I know he is sleeping but then I get scared. What if he's not? What if he has had another heart attack and there is no one there to call 911. What if he is laying on the floor and can't get help? Then I get even more angry, this son of a bitch is making me scared and not decent enough to pick up his phone or to have told me he would be off today and asleep. Why isn't he picking up the phone? Maybe he can't? Oh God, what if....then the thoughts reappear in my head. The last time it happened, I didn't even pick Ethan up first because I didn't know what I was going to be walking into. I didn't know if he was okay. I didn't know if I would see him laying lifelesly on the floor and I couldn't bear our son seeing that. Who has to worry about those things? And then instead of understanding my fears he gets mad at me for being upset. Can't I take a day off? Can't I just sleep? Yes, of course but can't you just tell me??? If not, my imagination runs away with me. Plus what 31 yr old man sleeps until 5pm? I knew a 30 yrs old man that did and a few weeks later he had a heart attack. And it was you, you jackass!!!! How can he just pretend these things didn't happen? Why isn't he able to be super careful with his health and life choices.

I can't lose him. I am so scared he is going to die. We are suppose to grow old together. I need him. I need him in my life. Ethan needs him in his life. But I feel like he either thinks that he is invincible or not afraid of death and doesn't value his life. He says it is neither one but then why is he like this? Why isn't he being to close as perfect as possible? Why doesn't he want to save me from feeling like this? Does he love the choices he is making over me and Ethan? Why is he so selfish? Can't he see that I just love him and I am so scared that this life we have can be over at any minute? What can I do to help him see that he can't continue on like this? I told him yesterday what he is doing after every incident like this is I am going to learn to not care. Because I am going to want to avoid the hurt when it does happen. And let me be very clear on this. It isn't IF it does happen. It is WHEN. I know that my husband will have another heart attack. I just don't know if he is going to survive this one. So if he doesn't care why should I? I know the way I am. I am able to turn my feelings off. It is hard but I avoid being hurt. He will push me away and it won't matter to me anymore because he I mourned him days, weeks, or years before. Right now I feel helpless. I feel like if this continues on I am watching a countdown clock and I am just waiting for it to hit 00:00. Then he will be gone and all of this our life would have been just a dream.

Tablescape Inspirations

http://freshpalette.blogspot.com/2007/12/tablescapes.html

I was thinking about adding a print on the table to lean against the way. I need some layers and more depth to the buffet..

my craiglist $15 beauties

Like with everything else in my house this might not be these pretty things final resting place but I think when the light above is installed it might be. So I found these on craigslist yesterday 3 week old post, Crate & Barrel vases for $25. I was planning on spraying them white but after I washed them I actually like them. Oh, and I offered her $15. Can you say "SCORE!!!"

my wired balls

wire balls purchased from cb2. You couldn't even notice them before in this post on the shelf. color to the rescue!Rust-oleum colonial red & warm sunset. 2 coats The detail pops out now.

Now I think I want to spray the basket white. I had to take this picture with the flash on because it still didn't have that POP i was looking for.

Attempt to add some color

my inspiration is our dining room art and then classic white ceramics. this is what I worked on today. so far so good! tell me what you think

The original thrift store finds. after I spray painted them black of course.A little bit of white gloss spray painttwo coats of white

And then I added the black beauties from the guy on the street. I need candles still but I like it. I want to find another table runner too. I love this one but I have had the hardest time to find alternatives.

I had an idea

While talking/working this morning with Yari I had a bright idea. Per my previous post I need to lighten up the decor in my house. While looking at our dining room art, I decided to accessories with crisp whites, red, and yellow. Then I remembered our co-ed shower my girls threw for us last year. LEMONS!!! Crisp white and lemons and a green accent (because of my couch)..check out these pics from Pottery Barn

Check out the picture below. It is my next project. I have a bed tray with an insert. I am going to spray paint it a nice fresh color and use it on my coffee table. One of the fun things is that it has a glass insert so I can change out the fabric I place underneath it. And it will cost less than $10.

It feels good have some direction again! I think I am even going to give my blog a new fresh look to inspire me even more :)