It's official with the Monday morning weigh in. I'm under 200 pounds for the first time in 12 years! I remember 200 vividly. We went to the OB/GYN for a checkup while I was pregnant with Ethan. I stepped onto the scale and it went passed 200 and my ex-husband and I just looked at each other. I never was able to reach below 200 again. I was 20 years old. I'm now 32 and today's official weight is 199!!!!
Goodbye to the 83.22 pounds I've lost since August 2011! We are never ever getting back together. (Did I just quote Taylor Swift? Gag me! PLEASE!)
In the 19 weeks since surgery I've lost 67.6 pounds. I don't know the average. I actually think they stray from averages because every one's weight loss is so different. I'm very happy with where I'm at. Sometimes in my head I picture myself to be smaller during these points but that's just because I've got a good imagination. I'm feeling pretty good. While brushing my hair today I noticed what seemed to me lots of hair coming out. My protein is up and I take my vitamins (during the week. I need to take it on the weekends too) so I should haven't much to worry about there. My energy is up. I feel good. I can wrestle and play with my husband more. The clothing thing kinda bums me out. I pulled out a trash bag full of clothes last night that are too big. I hate spending money or wasting money so I dread buying new clothes. I know I have to. I tried to look in the thrift store a couple times but my time was limited and I didn't put the time into it that is required. I don't want to spend a fortune on temporary clothes.
I wonder what size I will end up being? Right now depending on the brand an XL is too big and a Large is perfect. The size 16 jeans I bought from Old Navy are now a tad too big but the 14 BR pants I bought won't button. I still have 30-40 pounds left until I reach my goal of 160-170 and I hope that weight comes from my belly. When I first started this I thought the smallest size I would be was a 14 but now I think it's possible it might be smaller. One things I didn't expect to get so itty bitty are my girls. I bought 5 new bras this past spring in large C and small D sizes and they are all too big. Not just around but cup size big time! I could fit a whole panera bagel in one of my cups. I think I might splurge and buy myself a Victoria Secret pushup bra. I've been to big to shop there in the past and I love that I'm not limited to just one store. I could actually buy a cute small bra that my daughter's head won't fit into. Ugh, I just looked up the cost and I don't want to spend $50 on a stupid bra. lol Why do I have to be so cheap?
One-der Land feels great. I can't believe I'm here. I can't wait to get away from the 200 border line. I wonder sometimes how much running is helping me and where I would be without it. The ladies I know personally with RNY do not exercise regularly and look fantastic and sometimes it passes through my mind that I could do that too. The difference is I promised myself that I wanted to be active not just skinny. I want to ice skate, rock climb, rope course, canoe, everything and anything I want to do with my children and my husband. In order to live that life I need to be in shape. Not psycho fitness queen but I need to build my body up.
Speaking of husband's can I just tell you how amazing he's doing!?! When I'm curled up in bed I can hear him out there working on the elliptical. He thinks twice before he puts anything into his mouth and he's making great choices. I can't wait until he reaches his first goal he's set for himself and gets to reward himself. I'm looking forward to seeing what we will both look like in Vegas in January. I asked him the other day which Bre he prefers Bre 1.0 or Bre 2.0. You know that man wouldn't say 2.0. I know he does. I know he likes seeing me happy. That he liked chasing me yesterday and he told me he like being able to wrap his arms around me now. swoon. I just love this man. I get so nervous sometimes and I feel like this world is going to be pulled out from underneath me. 2 beautiful children. An amazing husband. A partner in life that loves me for me. The good and the bad. A wonderful family and life here that I wouldn't change. Can it be real? Or will someone take it away from me? Will I mess it up? Will I wake up and realize it's all a dream? I remind myself to stop. Don't over think. Enjoy this life you have built.
Today I celebrate in silence that I've hit a big goal for myself. I've thought about it posting it online. It's funny I don't care if people know what I weigh anymore. I'm proud to shout from the top of the Facebook feed I weight 199 pounds! But I don't want to upset the people that are still struggling with their own weight on FB. I don't want to sounds like I'm bragging or showing off. But I am proud of myself and I'm celebrating the hard work I've put in the last 19 weeks. Way to go Bre!!!!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
My husband
He's making this goal for me even harder but I'm very proud of him. He weighed 195.6 this morning!!! He even got on the elliptical at 10pm last night. He's only missed 1 day on that thing so far.
The not so little things
After my softball games I took Lorelei & Ethan to the park to play for a few moments. They took off & I stood down below trying to yell instructions at my crazy brave girl. Before I knew it I was up on the juggle gym running, climbing, & sliding down the slide with my littles. My husband stopped me as I was climbing up this bar & said, "you would have never down this before." That's the moment when I realized I was doing what I had wanted to do. One of my reason for having this surgery. I was participating in my children's life instead of standing down below. From that moment on Nate & I played with our children & I hid my tears. I'm doing it. I'm achieving the life I wanted. Regardless of the numbers I'm living the life I always wanted. This one moment made my surgery & 4:45am morning runs worth it.
Speaking of numbers check this out! Please ignore my toes. They were having an ugly moment. Under 200 pounds!!! For the first time since I was 20 years old!!!
Speaking of numbers check this out! Please ignore my toes. They were having an ugly moment. Under 200 pounds!!! For the first time since I was 20 years old!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Current BMI and a zucchini lover???
Holy hell we ran for 8 minutes straight today! And I didn't pass out. We did the full 3.2 miles running 8 minutes and walking 5 minutes. I think it took us just under 40 minutes. After yesterday's inhaler I didn't think I was going to be able to do it but I did. Whoop Whoop!!!
I had a bad reaction to my lunch yesterday. I ordered a fat free turkey no carb wrap with honey mustard from Jersey Mike's. I think I ate it too fast because before I could finish half of it I felt sick. I took off half of the wrap and it was the first time I ate something so wrap/bread soft so it could have been a reaction to that but I really think it was because I ate too fast. Lesson learned.
BMI update. In August of 2011 my BMI was 41.7 and my current BMI is 29.7. I've gone from obesity to overweight! Small victories people!
I'm working on some new recipes for next week. What do you think? I've enjoyed cooking since I've had surgery. It fun to cook stuff other than hamburger helper all the time. The other night I cooked in my Batgirl cape. Momma the superhero! Ethan got a kick out of it. If you have any healthy family recipes you would like to share pass them my way! Check out these recipes I found with my new favorite ingredient zucchini and squash. My sister in law is so proud of me for this new zucchini obsession.
Zucchini Chips. http://www.tablefortwoblog.com/2012/08/06/zucchini-chips/
Pre surgery I didn't eat zucchini UNLESS it came from a Japanese restaurant and wad dipped in shrimp sauce. These days I eat them all the time. I like to use them as a filler instead of rice and add them to browned turkey and black beans. I put them in my egg muffins. They really aren't that bad. At our seafood boil Paulette brought some zucchini chips over and they were very good. I tried to make them a few weeks ago and I didn't dry them out enough. I'm going to retry with this recipe. These will make a great snack.
I'm going to check out the farmers market and see if I can find a deal on zucchini because I have another recipe I wanted to try. Check this out.
Fun right? It's called Pizzucchini. http://dashingdish.com/recipe/pizzucchini/
Healthy and fun for the kids. Ignore my grocery list but I need turkey, 4 large zucchini, grated parmesan, and mozzarella.
What about this? Spaghetti Squash & Meatballs? http://www.alaskafromscratch.com/2012/09/17/spaghetti-squash-meatballs/
No carb spaghetti. Costco has some chicken meatballs that we are dying to try. Where the heck do you find squash this big? Hopefully the farmers market. When are squash and zucchini in season? I want to eat the vegetables that are in season and on sale to help save money.
and one more zucchini recipe! Gosh I hope they are in season! Zucchini Lasagna!
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2009/02/zucchini-lasagna.html
My sister was making lasagna for her husband's birthday and she had my craving lasagna but typical lasagna is loaded with no so healthy goodies. I need one of these slicers. http://www.amazon.com/OXO-Grips-V-Blade-Mandoline-Slicer/dp/B001THGPDO?ie=UTF8&tag=ginsweiwatrec-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969
I think these look like wonderful hearty fall recipes. I hope the weather keeps cooling down around here. I'm dying to eat some warmer meals and buy a pair of boots and leggings with sweaters!
I had a bad reaction to my lunch yesterday. I ordered a fat free turkey no carb wrap with honey mustard from Jersey Mike's. I think I ate it too fast because before I could finish half of it I felt sick. I took off half of the wrap and it was the first time I ate something so wrap/bread soft so it could have been a reaction to that but I really think it was because I ate too fast. Lesson learned.
BMI update. In August of 2011 my BMI was 41.7 and my current BMI is 29.7. I've gone from obesity to overweight! Small victories people!
I'm working on some new recipes for next week. What do you think? I've enjoyed cooking since I've had surgery. It fun to cook stuff other than hamburger helper all the time. The other night I cooked in my Batgirl cape. Momma the superhero! Ethan got a kick out of it. If you have any healthy family recipes you would like to share pass them my way! Check out these recipes I found with my new favorite ingredient zucchini and squash. My sister in law is so proud of me for this new zucchini obsession.
Zucchini Chips. http://www.tablefortwoblog.com/2012/08/06/zucchini-chips/
Pre surgery I didn't eat zucchini UNLESS it came from a Japanese restaurant and wad dipped in shrimp sauce. These days I eat them all the time. I like to use them as a filler instead of rice and add them to browned turkey and black beans. I put them in my egg muffins. They really aren't that bad. At our seafood boil Paulette brought some zucchini chips over and they were very good. I tried to make them a few weeks ago and I didn't dry them out enough. I'm going to retry with this recipe. These will make a great snack.
I'm going to check out the farmers market and see if I can find a deal on zucchini because I have another recipe I wanted to try. Check this out.
Fun right? It's called Pizzucchini. http://dashingdish.com/recipe/pizzucchini/
Healthy and fun for the kids. Ignore my grocery list but I need turkey, 4 large zucchini, grated parmesan, and mozzarella.
What about this? Spaghetti Squash & Meatballs? http://www.alaskafromscratch.com/2012/09/17/spaghetti-squash-meatballs/
No carb spaghetti. Costco has some chicken meatballs that we are dying to try. Where the heck do you find squash this big? Hopefully the farmers market. When are squash and zucchini in season? I want to eat the vegetables that are in season and on sale to help save money.
and one more zucchini recipe! Gosh I hope they are in season! Zucchini Lasagna!
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2009/02/zucchini-lasagna.html
My sister was making lasagna for her husband's birthday and she had my craving lasagna but typical lasagna is loaded with no so healthy goodies. I need one of these slicers. http://www.amazon.com/OXO-Grips-V-Blade-Mandoline-Slicer/dp/B001THGPDO?ie=UTF8&tag=ginsweiwatrec-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969
I think these look like wonderful hearty fall recipes. I hope the weather keeps cooling down around here. I'm dying to eat some warmer meals and buy a pair of boots and leggings with sweaters!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Happy Tuesday
Another weekend has zoomed by and I was exhausted by it. Thanks to the rain I didn't have to face the softball issue. Our game was cancelled and I felt like I could breath again. Up until I received the text that it had been cancelled I felt anxiety like I never have before. Isn't that weird? It's something that I could have done in my sleep before. I was about to write I don't know why but the truth is I do. I don't like the attention. I don't like standing at home plate and knowing all those people are looking at me. I don't like the feeling of everyone looking at me when I'm at first and the ball is being thrown in my direction. I've worked so hard to blend in the last 10 years I'm scared and embarrassed to put myself out there. I have a double header on Friday and then 2 weeks off. I'm going to suck it up and go to the game. So what if it's 2 hours of me making an ass out of myself. I need to put myself out there. I need to overcome this feeling of hiding.
I also decided to do a photo session with just me. It's scheduled for 5 weeks from now. The theme is "Strength & Freedom". I've been in contacted with an amazing photographer who will do an awesome job helping me figure out how I want to demonstrate the theme. I want to be able to look at these pictures when I feel like I can't go any further. When I feel like I can't run another step or wake up another morning and see the strength in my eyes. The free part come from this feeling of me being in a box. I've worked so hard not to stick out that I want to be free! I want to play in puddles, dance in the rain, twirl in circles and be free. In my last family sessions I've always had someone to hide behind. My husband or my children. This time it will be just me. I've already thought about backing out but I'm going to force myself to do it. I need to do this to get outside of my head. To see me the me that I am now and the me I want to be. Nov 16th is the date so stay tuned!
Whizzy returned today during running. I had to use my inhaler for the first time and wasn't able to get my breathing under control during our 3 minute walk time. I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm digressing instead of progression but again I'm just going to push through.
I'm 2 weeks away from my annual Fort Lauderdale business trip. Last year I hid in my room most of the time because I felt fat and I wanted to be invisible. I almost passed out at the cocktail reception because I was overweight and overheated. This year I'm hoping will be much better. My boss asked me how I'm going to handle the questions and silly me asked, "What question?" The "wow what have you been doing?" question. I hadn't thougth about that. I've seen these same 100 people for the past 9 years and they've never seen me weigh this little. Sometimes I think people won't notice. I'ts 64 pounds Bre not 10! Of course people will notice and of course people will want to know how I did it. What do I say? I've googled this online and most articles say it's no body's business and to say hard work. Which would be 100% true. This is not easy. Nothing about it has been easy but I don't want to mislead people either. I don't want to say diet and exercise and you can do it too!! That would be a lie. At least for me it would be. I wouldn't have been able to do this without surgery. I had weight loss surgery. I'm not ashamed of it at all but I'm also not sure if I want to have the same conversation 100 times. I'll let you know how I handle it. I'm just going to wing it or avoid the actual subject as much as possible.
Weight loss goals. I weighed in yesterday morning at 202.4 3 pounds away from my under 200 weight loss goal. Nate's current weight is the 199! Obnoxious! Only slightly because I am very proud of him. He is still keeping track of his food and using the elepitical every night. He's going to make it harder on me than I thought!
I also decided to do a photo session with just me. It's scheduled for 5 weeks from now. The theme is "Strength & Freedom". I've been in contacted with an amazing photographer who will do an awesome job helping me figure out how I want to demonstrate the theme. I want to be able to look at these pictures when I feel like I can't go any further. When I feel like I can't run another step or wake up another morning and see the strength in my eyes. The free part come from this feeling of me being in a box. I've worked so hard not to stick out that I want to be free! I want to play in puddles, dance in the rain, twirl in circles and be free. In my last family sessions I've always had someone to hide behind. My husband or my children. This time it will be just me. I've already thought about backing out but I'm going to force myself to do it. I need to do this to get outside of my head. To see me the me that I am now and the me I want to be. Nov 16th is the date so stay tuned!
Whizzy returned today during running. I had to use my inhaler for the first time and wasn't able to get my breathing under control during our 3 minute walk time. I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm digressing instead of progression but again I'm just going to push through.
I'm 2 weeks away from my annual Fort Lauderdale business trip. Last year I hid in my room most of the time because I felt fat and I wanted to be invisible. I almost passed out at the cocktail reception because I was overweight and overheated. This year I'm hoping will be much better. My boss asked me how I'm going to handle the questions and silly me asked, "What question?" The "wow what have you been doing?" question. I hadn't thougth about that. I've seen these same 100 people for the past 9 years and they've never seen me weigh this little. Sometimes I think people won't notice. I'ts 64 pounds Bre not 10! Of course people will notice and of course people will want to know how I did it. What do I say? I've googled this online and most articles say it's no body's business and to say hard work. Which would be 100% true. This is not easy. Nothing about it has been easy but I don't want to mislead people either. I don't want to say diet and exercise and you can do it too!! That would be a lie. At least for me it would be. I wouldn't have been able to do this without surgery. I had weight loss surgery. I'm not ashamed of it at all but I'm also not sure if I want to have the same conversation 100 times. I'll let you know how I handle it. I'm just going to wing it or avoid the actual subject as much as possible.
Weight loss goals. I weighed in yesterday morning at 202.4 3 pounds away from my under 200 weight loss goal. Nate's current weight is the 199! Obnoxious! Only slightly because I am very proud of him. He is still keeping track of his food and using the elepitical every night. He's going to make it harder on me than I thought!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Feeling normal
It's amazing how a small cup of popcorn can make you feel normal. It's not the large bucket with a side of cheese like I was use to but it is something. It feels big to me & it makes me feel like I'm really watching a movie. 
Friday, October 5, 2012
I can't do this
I don't know what has happened to me the last few days but it's like Sybil in my head. I've almost all but convinced myself to quit softball. I just don't know if I can do it or if I'm up for doing it. The late games sound exhausting to me. The hour drive to and from the field. Tonight's game is at 10pm and I won't get home until after midnight. Seriously, I go to bed around 9:30pm :( It's every Friday for the next 2 months. I look so forward to Friday evenings and now they are taken. Nate keeps telling me not to quit. That he won't allow me. I just don't know if I want to do it or if I can do it. I'm sure psychologically it's mostly because I'm scared I'm not good enough and if that is my legitimate reason I must push on. I must set a good example for my son and Nate.
And now with running every morning this week I have dreaded it. I've prayed for Chrissy to sleep in or rain. None of which ever happens. During the run inside my head is awful. I can't do this. This hurts. I can't make it. Let's just stop. It wasn't like this last week or the weeks before that. I want to adjust the timer and knock a couple minutes off of it. I want to stop running and just walk the rest of the way.
I don't know what is happening. I don't know what switch went off. As I was pushing myself this morning I kept reminding myself that I'm less than a handful away from under 200 for the first time in 12 years. PUSH Sabrina! But it's still mostly negative stuff. How do I change the crazy negativity inside my head?
Help me! Has this ever happen to you? How have you fixed it? How do you stop the negativity monster? I don't want to quit. I know that I will feel like shit if I quit. I hate feeling like this. I've been so down the last couple days when I have so much to be happy about. :-\
Nate update: He got up and worked out this morning and used his calorie counter yesterday. Way to go hot stuff. I'm very proud of you.
And now with running every morning this week I have dreaded it. I've prayed for Chrissy to sleep in or rain. None of which ever happens. During the run inside my head is awful. I can't do this. This hurts. I can't make it. Let's just stop. It wasn't like this last week or the weeks before that. I want to adjust the timer and knock a couple minutes off of it. I want to stop running and just walk the rest of the way.
I don't know what is happening. I don't know what switch went off. As I was pushing myself this morning I kept reminding myself that I'm less than a handful away from under 200 for the first time in 12 years. PUSH Sabrina! But it's still mostly negative stuff. How do I change the crazy negativity inside my head?
Help me! Has this ever happen to you? How have you fixed it? How do you stop the negativity monster? I don't want to quit. I know that I will feel like shit if I quit. I hate feeling like this. I've been so down the last couple days when I have so much to be happy about. :-\
Nate update: He got up and worked out this morning and used his calorie counter yesterday. Way to go hot stuff. I'm very proud of you.
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