Heartbroken

My heart the last 2 weeks has been very heavy. I might poke fun at at the fact that Ethan is in trouble or grounded. Or that my closets are all organized and bathrooms cleaner than they have been in years but whenever I'm near my son I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know why I'm taking this so personally. This is to be expected right. Our children will disappoint us. They will lie to us. They will make mistakes. Why does it hurt so much? 

I think what hurts is that he's growing up and I know that things are changing. The fact that he doesn't want to dance and act crazy in the car all the time. That there is a cool factor there and that carefree boy is gone. That it's not all fun and games anymore.  I'm also disappointed in him. I'm not a lazy person. I wasn't raised to be a lazy person. My father expected chores to be done and he expected them to be done correctly. He also didn't stand for excuses. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you ask someone and question and the answer isn't yes or no but this long drawn out reason for no. Just say no. Ethan has been doing the dinner dishes for almost 6 months. Why do I have to ask him if he's wiped down the counters? Why do I have to remind him to clean out the sink? It drives me crazy. Do it the right way. I don't want him to grow up to be a lazy person full of excuses and maybe I've raised him the wrong way and that is why he has problems remembering. Maybe this whole time that I thought I was doing a good job I really wasn't. Maybe I haven't taught him enough about discipline and organization, accountability.  I feel like I've yelled so much the last 2 weeks and I haven't gotten anywhere.

The other part that is driving me crazy and keeping me from moving on is he hasn't apologized. He hasn't come up to me and said that he was sorry for disappointing us and lying to us. I've made apologizing a big part of our lives. If Nate & I argue we always apologize to one another for saying something that was in appropriate and apologize for the kids if we need to. And we do it in front of the children.  We hug it out and we all move on. Saying I'm sorry and meaning it makes everything better. At least in our home it does. Why hasn't he done that. I read a quote one day that said something like, "A good man knows the words I'm sorry." Am I not raising a good man because that's all I've wanted for my son. I don't care if he is a genius. If he is the cutest but I want him to be an honorable good man one day. To be true to his word. To be able to say the words I'm sorry. So maybe he's not sorry. Maybe he isn't the boy I thought he was. And if he isn't then I have to keep fighting. I have to keep punishing him until he gives in. Not for me but for him.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could rewind to 5 years ago when he was still a little boy. I miss him.