One month ago I was going crazy. Worried about my house. My kids. Our routine. Would this man be able to keep it up. Would I come home to a big ole mess? It made me mad, upset, cry, and on. I was gone for 2 whole weeks. Limited contact and a daily countdown courtesy of my husband.
So, how did he do? Amazing! I came home to a clean picked up house. Kids homework done. Tutoring session attended. Dinner made every single night except for one. Laundry done. I was very impressed!
He impressed me and that's a difficult task. I am so proud of him. :)
The 2 weeks were good for us. We both cried when we finally saw each other. I missed him. I missed our kids but I really missed him. I think we needed that. We needed to miss one another. The happiness and relieve I felt when I was finally in his arms again were true emotion. I function fine without him. I'm use to traveling and being without him. I'm also use to being independent. (Except for dog shit and trash cans) I don't have a dependent need on him but I do like him. The experiences I had those two weeks I know I would have enjoyed even more if he was there with me. What can I say...he's a good time. And we have a good time..better time when we are together.
To thank him, I've gone out of my way to make the last week about him while battling walking pneumonia. Going out to celebrate his birthday, playoff celebrations, birthday parties, farmers market, car show, TPC, and whatever else I can do to thank him and show him how much I appreciate him. I even agreed to Penguin playoff tickets! Talk about one happy husband.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
All Aboard the Debra Crazy Express!!!
I've been back home for just a little over 24 hours. I'm sick with walking pneumonia and my mind still racing from the last 2 weeks. By this time most are over this vacation and have deemed it the worst vacation ever. Man what an awful statement. My poor mother. My poor sisters. I'm faced with the choice to ignore the emotions that went on or blog about it and possibly re-upsetting people. I've decided because of my need to be authentic that I can't ignore the feelings and must follow my method of therapy by getting it out.
So lets go! I'm going to start with the adventure of Debra's Crazy Express. Even though this is the last thing that happened chronologically I am choosing to discuss it now and not let it effect my recap of the trip.
Disclaimer: Please remember that these are the my feelings and if you don't like it click on the X in the upper right hand corner.
So recap about Debra and I...Katherine tried to say that I'm Debra's boogie man. Bullshit. Up until the last few years I wasn't Debra's anything. Debra and I were closest from 2001 to 2007. She was there the night I gave birth to my son. She was the one I called when my son was injured and I told nobody else. We helped each other out a lot those 6 years. It wasn't until Dad, Mom, and Katherine pulled me into the Willie situation that things turned bad between Debra and I. Remember that bus they pushed me under? After the birth of Lorelei I invited Debra to our home and we were able to talk and she understood my intent was from a place of concern for her kids and that it wasn't even my idea! Then when Debra and I saw each other for the first time in 3 years at the camping trip we got out of the car and hugged each other and cried. We were very close up until she moved out of my house. So am I Debra's boogie man? No. Let's be honest Debra spent 32 years of her life having an on again off again feud with Katherine not me. The reason Debra doesn't surprise me is because I was close to her and I've seen her work her sick magic. I've seen her in Willie's face causing a fight and crying to the police. I've heard her laughing this twisted laugh and then turn on the tears for her games. Like I said in my blog many years ago. Debra is who she is. She would never stab you in the back. She will walk right up and stab you in your heart and then smirk. I know this about her and because of that what she doesn't shock me anymore. I expect it from her.
So Debra created a tornado of emotion for her own personal agenda. Most of the anger and issues were direct at me. I would say 75% me and 25% Charlyn. The problem is I cared about 15% and Charlyn cared about 85%. Making Charlyn the unintended victim of the game. I think the reason Charlyn was so effected by the drama is because she's been so far removed from any of it before. She had heard of Debra's games before but had never seen her at work before. This trip, on the last night of vacation she got to see it with her very own eyes. She's also a mother now. So, I think because Debra used her daughter in her game it really bothered Charlyn.
We all know by now that Debra made up most of that night and Christina jumped on the Debra Crazy Express but it doesn't make a portion of their feelings invalid. Their disappointment was a valid feeling even though it wad misdirected. I stand by what I told them, if their feelings were hurt by not having pictures on the wall then I am sorry. These are my sisters. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings. I would never travel thousands of miles with a stack of pictures with the intent to hurt two of my sister's feelings. I'm not made like that. I'm also not unsympathetic of their disappointment. I heard them that night. Even if I would not accept the blame for their lack of responsibility I could still understand their disappointment.
I'm not 100% emotionless about the situation but the items that bothered me really don't have to do with Debra. Like I said, I know her. I've seen her engaged at her sick games before. I have very low expectations with her and this is the exact reason why when my sister said Debra was coming I no longer wanted to attend. I'm also use to being the target. Charlyn is the good sister and gets a pass usually. I'm the bad sister. I typically get the blame for most things. And hey as far as I know it's probably warranted but its my reason for not being bothered by it.
So jabber jaw, what did bother you about that night?
1.) The lack of emotion and compassion about my mother from Debra and Christina. This is quite simple. You alone are accountable for your reactions and actions. Our mother paid a lot of money to get her daughters to the Philippines. She also spent a lot of time. She also exhausted a lot of her own mental emotion from her own personal issues. Debra and Christine absolutely did not care about any of this. They had a choice to end this trip on a positive note for my mother's sake or to end it on a negative note for their own sake and they choose the latter. Even once it was out and my mother knew there was drama brewing they had a choice to squash it for my mother's sake and neither one of them choose that path.
2.) Christina's willingness to hop on the Debra Crazy Express. I can make excuses for her but as she made clear over the week she's an adult now. 25 years old and has a fulltime job. She's not naive to Debra's craziness. Out of all of us Christina and Christopher grew up with her. She made a choice to team up with Debra against me and Charlyn. She spent over 24 hours talking shit about me to cousins I had just met. Her disrespectful tone of voice towards us when we tried to explain to her that printing pictures were her responsibility not ours. Katherine made an excuse that it was because Christina doesn't know us. I call bullshit again. Christina might not know us like Charlyn and I or her and Kat but she does have history with us. She has spent vacations with us. She's spent time with us. She spent weekends on my apartment floor while my mom spent weekends at bingo. I took her school clothes shopping when my mom didn't want to spend the money on it. She's been involved in other family event with us. Weekends where with the help of Katherine I've traveled 9 hours to spend time with my sisters and brother. She knew my heart enough to borrow money from me. She knew Charlyn's heart enough to take a free car from her. We supported her when she decided not to move to MD. We supported the choices she made and Charlyn and I also helped facilitate her moving into Carol's home. Texting and encouraging her into the move and applying at Geico. So for Kat to say she doesn't know us is a bullshit excuse. Christina more than anybody could have shut most of this down. She could have disagreed with Debra. She could have chosen to not engage in conversations about me. She could have spoken to us with respect. She could have warned Charlyn and I almost 24 hours before. She could have tried to changed the course of the Debra Crazy Express. Christina's choice speaks louder to me than Debra's actions. Christina's disrespectful tone speaks volume to me. We are her older sisters and deserve her respect. Our mother who paid for almost 90% of her trip deserved her respect. This 25 year grownup really showed her maturity level and character to me. I would take Caroline's fake life to Christina's disrespect any day. And a part of me...large part of me wishes Charlyn would have taken her chance and told Christina off at the airport! Even though the grownup side of me knows that nothing good would have come from it. Charlyn would have been more upset and Christina would have argued and been rude to her.
And that is that! I'm officially jumping off the Debra Crazy Express and leaving it on the tracks!
So lets go! I'm going to start with the adventure of Debra's Crazy Express. Even though this is the last thing that happened chronologically I am choosing to discuss it now and not let it effect my recap of the trip.
Disclaimer: Please remember that these are the my feelings and if you don't like it click on the X in the upper right hand corner.
So recap about Debra and I...Katherine tried to say that I'm Debra's boogie man. Bullshit. Up until the last few years I wasn't Debra's anything. Debra and I were closest from 2001 to 2007. She was there the night I gave birth to my son. She was the one I called when my son was injured and I told nobody else. We helped each other out a lot those 6 years. It wasn't until Dad, Mom, and Katherine pulled me into the Willie situation that things turned bad between Debra and I. Remember that bus they pushed me under? After the birth of Lorelei I invited Debra to our home and we were able to talk and she understood my intent was from a place of concern for her kids and that it wasn't even my idea! Then when Debra and I saw each other for the first time in 3 years at the camping trip we got out of the car and hugged each other and cried. We were very close up until she moved out of my house. So am I Debra's boogie man? No. Let's be honest Debra spent 32 years of her life having an on again off again feud with Katherine not me. The reason Debra doesn't surprise me is because I was close to her and I've seen her work her sick magic. I've seen her in Willie's face causing a fight and crying to the police. I've heard her laughing this twisted laugh and then turn on the tears for her games. Like I said in my blog many years ago. Debra is who she is. She would never stab you in the back. She will walk right up and stab you in your heart and then smirk. I know this about her and because of that what she doesn't shock me anymore. I expect it from her.
So Debra created a tornado of emotion for her own personal agenda. Most of the anger and issues were direct at me. I would say 75% me and 25% Charlyn. The problem is I cared about 15% and Charlyn cared about 85%. Making Charlyn the unintended victim of the game. I think the reason Charlyn was so effected by the drama is because she's been so far removed from any of it before. She had heard of Debra's games before but had never seen her at work before. This trip, on the last night of vacation she got to see it with her very own eyes. She's also a mother now. So, I think because Debra used her daughter in her game it really bothered Charlyn.
We all know by now that Debra made up most of that night and Christina jumped on the Debra Crazy Express but it doesn't make a portion of their feelings invalid. Their disappointment was a valid feeling even though it wad misdirected. I stand by what I told them, if their feelings were hurt by not having pictures on the wall then I am sorry. These are my sisters. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings. I would never travel thousands of miles with a stack of pictures with the intent to hurt two of my sister's feelings. I'm not made like that. I'm also not unsympathetic of their disappointment. I heard them that night. Even if I would not accept the blame for their lack of responsibility I could still understand their disappointment.
I'm not 100% emotionless about the situation but the items that bothered me really don't have to do with Debra. Like I said, I know her. I've seen her engaged at her sick games before. I have very low expectations with her and this is the exact reason why when my sister said Debra was coming I no longer wanted to attend. I'm also use to being the target. Charlyn is the good sister and gets a pass usually. I'm the bad sister. I typically get the blame for most things. And hey as far as I know it's probably warranted but its my reason for not being bothered by it.
So jabber jaw, what did bother you about that night?
1.) The lack of emotion and compassion about my mother from Debra and Christina. This is quite simple. You alone are accountable for your reactions and actions. Our mother paid a lot of money to get her daughters to the Philippines. She also spent a lot of time. She also exhausted a lot of her own mental emotion from her own personal issues. Debra and Christine absolutely did not care about any of this. They had a choice to end this trip on a positive note for my mother's sake or to end it on a negative note for their own sake and they choose the latter. Even once it was out and my mother knew there was drama brewing they had a choice to squash it for my mother's sake and neither one of them choose that path.
2.) Christina's willingness to hop on the Debra Crazy Express. I can make excuses for her but as she made clear over the week she's an adult now. 25 years old and has a fulltime job. She's not naive to Debra's craziness. Out of all of us Christina and Christopher grew up with her. She made a choice to team up with Debra against me and Charlyn. She spent over 24 hours talking shit about me to cousins I had just met. Her disrespectful tone of voice towards us when we tried to explain to her that printing pictures were her responsibility not ours. Katherine made an excuse that it was because Christina doesn't know us. I call bullshit again. Christina might not know us like Charlyn and I or her and Kat but she does have history with us. She has spent vacations with us. She's spent time with us. She spent weekends on my apartment floor while my mom spent weekends at bingo. I took her school clothes shopping when my mom didn't want to spend the money on it. She's been involved in other family event with us. Weekends where with the help of Katherine I've traveled 9 hours to spend time with my sisters and brother. She knew my heart enough to borrow money from me. She knew Charlyn's heart enough to take a free car from her. We supported her when she decided not to move to MD. We supported the choices she made and Charlyn and I also helped facilitate her moving into Carol's home. Texting and encouraging her into the move and applying at Geico. So for Kat to say she doesn't know us is a bullshit excuse. Christina more than anybody could have shut most of this down. She could have disagreed with Debra. She could have chosen to not engage in conversations about me. She could have spoken to us with respect. She could have warned Charlyn and I almost 24 hours before. She could have tried to changed the course of the Debra Crazy Express. Christina's choice speaks louder to me than Debra's actions. Christina's disrespectful tone speaks volume to me. We are her older sisters and deserve her respect. Our mother who paid for almost 90% of her trip deserved her respect. This 25 year grownup really showed her maturity level and character to me. I would take Caroline's fake life to Christina's disrespect any day. And a part of me...large part of me wishes Charlyn would have taken her chance and told Christina off at the airport! Even though the grownup side of me knows that nothing good would have come from it. Charlyn would have been more upset and Christina would have argued and been rude to her.
And that is that! I'm officially jumping off the Debra Crazy Express and leaving it on the tracks!
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Trip almost over
3 more days before I head back home and start to digest the last two weeks. Digest a lot of emotions and memory while trying to bust my ass at work and drag my son over the finish line of the 9th grade.
My husband and I always roll our eyes at people's Facebook perfect lives and I believe my friends would think that's what the last 2 weeks have been. I think in reality it had its moments of fun, laughter, and privilege it also was filled with emotion, lessons, saddens, anger, and understanding. None of which are a bad thing if they are used as a learning tool.
Stay tuned!
Friday, April 15, 2016
Lack of control=Crazy Sabrina
I know when I feel like I have a lack of control in things I go nuts. Especially my emotions. I find comfort in organizing my life and my family's daily lives. So step one was going out to buy a calendar.
Step 2: creating menu with Nate & kids. They have to be involved. This is going to be their lives the next 3 weeks. They need to pick meals that will work for the 3 of them based on their schedules.
Simple food.
Step 3: Sunday go shopping
Step 4: Family meeting on Sunday. Talk about what is done when. Put on a
Chart so Nate doesn't have to memorize everything.
Step 5: what bills he has to pay on the 1st.
Overwhelmed
I'm not nearly done. In the next 30 days I will be in Jacksonville for 5 days. During that time I'm expected to get some new business on the books. Along with work obligation I have to be confident that my husband can do his daily routine plus mine. The planning, the accountability, our kids, our schedules, dinners, homework, laundry, picking up, yard stuff, & so much more.
Am I going to come home to a messy house, piles of clean clothes, dirty clothes, missed activities, missed homework, and things I can't undo?
Freaking the fuck out! I have 3 days left in Jacksonville before I leave for 2 weeks to another fucking country. On a different time zone. How can I call to wake them up? And instead of making list and getting things ready I'm typing dumb ass blogs.
Ya think all of this has to do with the way I feel towards my husband right now? I truly feel like this man has zero idea how much it takes to run this house. To manage the kids during the day after school, the amount of stuff we get done before he even gets home. And my damn kids when I'm gone like to forget! They don't want to tell him what they do. Ugh!
I got to get going!!!
Happily Ever After....at times.
I warned you there was a brain dump coming up. I hold a lot in. I have a lot on my mind and plate on most days. When the "stuff" in my brain becomes more negative than routine I have to get it out or I will fucking explode!
Disclaimer: I'm not getting a divorce. I'm happily married most of the time. These are just my thoughts.
I'm going to be 100% honest at this very moment I don't know how I feel about my marriage. I hope this is a normal feeling. What I'm most concerned about is this is a feeling I've been having more and more and expressed to my husband and nothing has changed.
I understand that the people I've know who have been married for 30 years said there are ebbs and flows of a relationship. I get that. I get that there are going to be down times. What I'm concerned about is that down times and feelings for me are all the same things. What that shows me is A.) these feelings aren't going away B.) He doesn't care enough to change them
I also know that I'm not the girl that just sticks. I want happiness. I want equality. I want a partner in life. I want passion. I want understanding. I want support. I want the truth. I want communication. I want my partner to push me to be a better person. I want movement and growth. I know I'm a tough girl but sometimes I would like him to be more tough than me.
If I've rolled my eyes more than I've laughed in the last month...isn't that a bad sign. Or just part of the ebbs and flows of marriag.
I'm going to be 100% honest at this very moment I don't know how I feel about my marriage. I hope this is a normal feeling. What I'm most concerned about is this is a feeling I've been having more and more and expressed to my husband and nothing has changed.
I understand that the people I've know who have been married for 30 years said there are ebbs and flows of a relationship. I get that. I get that there are going to be down times. What I'm concerned about is that down times and feelings for me are all the same things. What that shows me is A.) these feelings aren't going away B.) He doesn't care enough to change them
I also know that I'm not the girl that just sticks. I want happiness. I want equality. I want a partner in life. I want passion. I want understanding. I want support. I want the truth. I want communication. I want my partner to push me to be a better person. I want movement and growth. I know I'm a tough girl but sometimes I would like him to be more tough than me.
If I've rolled my eyes more than I've laughed in the last month...isn't that a bad sign. Or just part of the ebbs and flows of marriag.
The fear of failing and growing up
Please bare with me because I feel like my mind is filled with shit and emotion right now. I feel like if I don't get this crap all out I might blow up on someone.
The biggest concern I have right now is my son. He's no longer and baby and his future is right there on the edge. The small choices he is making will make a huge impact in his life and I'm scared he doesn't understand the importance of it. I'm scared he might not be a hard worker. I'm scared that he might not be a big dreamer. I'm scared that I've screwed up somewhere along the way. Did I not hold him to the mat long enough. Has his life not been discipline enough? Am I overreacting? Will he figure it out? Should he have figured it out by now?
And with all of this. All this worry and anger at him. Disappointment. Concern. I feel this overall sadness. I miss my boy. I miss my 3 year old. I miss my 6 year old. The 9 year old who would play nerf guns with me. The 11 year old that would dance in the car with me. I've never felt so disconnected and uncool to him. Like the last thing in the world he wants to do is be with me. That I'm not the fun one. I'm not the sports one. I'm the accountable one. Will he realize that one day or will he just think his mom was no fun?
My sisters are raising babies. I feel like I have stuff in common with them but they don't have anything in common with me. Raising a teenager is so hard. Not on the amount of sleep you get but on your heart. I love him so much and I just want the best for him. I just wish I felt like he understood that. I never thought that I would sit in front of my son and cry. Cry because he has broken my heart. Cry because I feel like he is a liar. Cry because I have fears for him and I can longer make it better. And as much as I appreciate the advise from my sisters I know that they can't understand because I didn't understand. I didn't understand with my own friends went through this. I judged them and gave them advise when I really had no clue. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back. To hold him longer. To curl up on the couch with him again. I miss him.
It's made me appreciate my parents now. Its made me understand the anger they had towards us when we screwed up. It wasn't filled with anger as much as it was with disappointment, fear, and losing faith in the fight and maybe the disappointment you feel within yourself as a parent, as a failure. I'm in no way saying the tactics were right but what I'm saying is that I'm a mom that has tried every emotion possible and one day I fear he is going to say, "My mom wasn't a good mom." That just like we have judged our parents he will do the same. That in 3 short years he could leave. He could not attend college. He could marry some girl and never come back. That he could find it a burden to visit me. That fear makes me feel bad for my parents. I think about the times I've cut them off or haven't put in an effort and it makes me sad that it could happen to me. Sooner than later.
So, what do I do? I can't give up. I promised him when he turned 13 that I would walk beside him at times, behind him at times, and sometimes I would drag him from the front BUT one way or another we would get through these teenage years together. Do I care if he becomes a doctor? No. But I've always committed to him becoming a good man. If it takes all I have in me. I don't have a choice.
The biggest concern I have right now is my son. He's no longer and baby and his future is right there on the edge. The small choices he is making will make a huge impact in his life and I'm scared he doesn't understand the importance of it. I'm scared he might not be a hard worker. I'm scared that he might not be a big dreamer. I'm scared that I've screwed up somewhere along the way. Did I not hold him to the mat long enough. Has his life not been discipline enough? Am I overreacting? Will he figure it out? Should he have figured it out by now?
And with all of this. All this worry and anger at him. Disappointment. Concern. I feel this overall sadness. I miss my boy. I miss my 3 year old. I miss my 6 year old. The 9 year old who would play nerf guns with me. The 11 year old that would dance in the car with me. I've never felt so disconnected and uncool to him. Like the last thing in the world he wants to do is be with me. That I'm not the fun one. I'm not the sports one. I'm the accountable one. Will he realize that one day or will he just think his mom was no fun?
My sisters are raising babies. I feel like I have stuff in common with them but they don't have anything in common with me. Raising a teenager is so hard. Not on the amount of sleep you get but on your heart. I love him so much and I just want the best for him. I just wish I felt like he understood that. I never thought that I would sit in front of my son and cry. Cry because he has broken my heart. Cry because I feel like he is a liar. Cry because I have fears for him and I can longer make it better. And as much as I appreciate the advise from my sisters I know that they can't understand because I didn't understand. I didn't understand with my own friends went through this. I judged them and gave them advise when I really had no clue. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back. To hold him longer. To curl up on the couch with him again. I miss him.
It's made me appreciate my parents now. Its made me understand the anger they had towards us when we screwed up. It wasn't filled with anger as much as it was with disappointment, fear, and losing faith in the fight and maybe the disappointment you feel within yourself as a parent, as a failure. I'm in no way saying the tactics were right but what I'm saying is that I'm a mom that has tried every emotion possible and one day I fear he is going to say, "My mom wasn't a good mom." That just like we have judged our parents he will do the same. That in 3 short years he could leave. He could not attend college. He could marry some girl and never come back. That he could find it a burden to visit me. That fear makes me feel bad for my parents. I think about the times I've cut them off or haven't put in an effort and it makes me sad that it could happen to me. Sooner than later.
So, what do I do? I can't give up. I promised him when he turned 13 that I would walk beside him at times, behind him at times, and sometimes I would drag him from the front BUT one way or another we would get through these teenage years together. Do I care if he becomes a doctor? No. But I've always committed to him becoming a good man. If it takes all I have in me. I don't have a choice.
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