You're my inspiration

No, I'm not referencing one of my favorite Chicago songs. Even though every time someone says it to me I start singing this power ballad in my head. I'm referring to text, emails, and post on Face book I receive from friends telling me that I'm such an inspiration to them. That my weight loss journey has inspired them. That my workout schedule has inspired them. It's all very nice but it makes me uncomfortable and the biggest reason is because I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've cheated and none of them know that. That I don't deserve to be there inspiration. That if they knew I had surgery none of them would be saying that. Am I a fraud?  Will someone get mad at me one day and then blast my secret to the world on face book. Will everyone think I was a liar?

Then again should I feel like that. I am doing more than anyone in my RNY support group. Nobody else is running this race coming up. Nobody is working out. Even they have told me that I've inspired them. So should it matter. Yes, no matter what I would have lost weight but this surgery was made to help lose 60-80% of your excess body fat and thanks to exercising I'm less than 2 pounds away from losing 100% of my excess weight. I did that. I didn't have to. I made goals and I stuck with them. I've pushed through the voices in my head and I'm battling the some negativity as everyone else. Why can't I just be as proud of myself as everyone else is?

Something I never thought about

Something I didn't think about before I had surgery. That it would feel different to sit on my butt. It's almost uncomfortable. Lack of padding perhaps? My driver seat is the worst now. Too embarrassing to carry an inflatable donut around?

Because I'm a blonde

Yea yea yea! STOP!!! No I'm not. Not anymore. I'm a brunette again! I bit the bullet Saturday & dyed my hair brown again after 8 years of being a blonde. I love it! It's a nice break for my hair & something I wanted to try for a long time. I don't know how long I will keep it like this but for now bye bye blonde hello brunette!

Here are some pics from my phone!

And the aggravation begins

It's going to be a record high of 84 degrees today. Absolutely beautiful. The problem? I have nothing to wear! I have plenty to wear for cold weather. Leggings, boots, sweaters. I have nothing to wear for warmer weather to work. I can't come in leggings and a tank top. It was so frustrating this morning and no different than a year ago when I had nothing to wear because everything too small. Nate says, "Let's go buy you new clothes." Oh yes, let's go waste money on new clothes. The A&F size 12 jeans I bought last Friday are even a little baggy in the butt already. Do you know how pissed I would be if I spent $79 on them instead of $3.95 (Oh yes under $4 for A&F jeans be jealous!) Let alone how hard it was to find 3 pairs of jeans in a thrift store. It took me an entire hour to search 2 long ass racks of jeans to find 3 jeans.

I want to look nice. I don't want to look like a slob but I also don't want to spend $300 on new clothes and new shoes. I know this probably sounds like blah blah blah blah blah. Whine me a river Sabrina. You're too small for your clothes. I promise you it's still a problem. A problem that I need a cheaper alternative to solve. I think I need to go thrift store shopping on a Saturday or Sunday and actually spend some time there. No kids. No husband. Maybe I could take Chrissy to help me dig?

Weight loss goal!!!

I've been so focused on my running goals I didn't even realized what happened when I registered my weight today...165. Thats 100 pounds since my surgery date!!!

It's funny how my goal priority has changed. I'm more focused on my running goals instead of my weight goals. I'm still nervous about the Gate but I know I can do it. I ran 4 miles without stopping. That's almost halfway there. I can do it.

I went to the thrift store Friday and I bought 3 pairs of jeans. 1 size 12 from Banana Republic and 1 from Abercrombie and Fitch. A&F is the skinny bitch store! I can't believe it. I also got a size 10 trouser jean and it fit. All for $21 I might add!!! Crazy to think when I get a tummy tuck I will be around a size 8. I thought before this journey started I would be a 14. I was happy at a 14. I have a hard time realizing that I've done this. There's no telling where I would be if I wasn't running. Would I be thinner? Of course. But would I be a size 10? Probably not. I've earned this.

4 miles down

Last night I ran 4 miles without stopping on the treadmill. I ran it in 54.37 according to Nike+. It felt good to be back out there. My right hip did start to hurt but I just pushed through. I think more yoga would help stretch that out. I felt good running. The most difficult part was the last half a mile and I think that's just because I knew what was coming. The end!

Music really helped me. I've learned my lesson. I use to run to the kind of music I like. Slow songs, slow country songs. All wrong! When a good beat song came on I ran faster. I've changed my running play list and I'm adding more beat/running appropriate songs.

I worked hard to slow my breathing down like Charlyn kept reminding me and like yoga teaches. That helped me with that feeling of  panting. I also remembered to shake it up and loosen up like my sister kept reminding me. I'm glad that I was able to run with her those couple times in Dec. I feel like she taught me things that will make me a better runner. I'm very excited for her and Katherine to come down and run/walk the Gate River Run with me. I don't know what this run means so much to me. I almost signed up for the Donna half marathon the other day which is next month and longer but doesn't frighten me so much. Maybe it's because it's such a big deal here in town and I've always wanted to do it. I'm weighed in at a 100 pound weight loss this morning but that doesn't excite me as much as completing the Gate River Run.

Tonight's training is 40 minutes of cross fit. I'm going to run 2 miles and then work out in Chrissy's gym. I love the punching bag! Thursday is a 3 mile run, Friday rest, and Saturday another 4 miles! I'm back on track and pumped up about it! 7 more weeks until the Gate!!!

Honesty

This blog won't help me if I'm not honest with it. There's no therapy to my thought process if I'm holding it in. I've never held anything back from this blog so much so it's gotten me in trouble at times but I have for the past 2 weeks. I've posted the good and not the bad and it's because of the accountability and the shame. So here is its. I haven't ran outside or on the elliptical since Jan 7th. I've still been doing yoga but I've fallen off the wagon for my 15K training program and it hit me last night that I'm failing. It has become so hard to do it without a partner. Chrissy is out. Whenever she starts running again she will be starting the process over from sqaure one and Nate doesn't like to run and even though he says, "Oh, I will run with you." He's not pushing me.  He's not making me get out of bed to run. Or he's offered to ride his bike next to me. How awkward would that be? This will be a challenge for me. If I have no one here to push me I have to be the strong one. I have to push myself. After all this is my goal not anyone elses.  Chrissy said I could use her treadmill tonight so no excuse of not running in the dark by myself or it being too cold. I have to do this.