My reality

My reality might be a little different than yours. Tomorrow when my husband has a colonoscopy I have more fears than a normal wife.  It's such a simple process but my husband's life and health is anything but simple ever. After his mother's death which started with a colonscopy and his brother's recent diagnoses of colon cancer my fear factor is up a bit. I know when they roll him away for this simple procedure I will be holding back fears and tears. Counting down the moments when I can look into my husband's eyes again.

Exagerrated fears right? Fears of a wife that has seen cancer, heart attacks, and nightmares of a future that doesn't contain my best friend.  I'm looking forward to fast forwarding past tomorrow.

I'm expecting and sick.

2 weekends ago while visiting friends in GA I was asked how far along I was. Seriously 140 pounds and I still get asked that question?  I told the lady I wasn’t expecting and that not to feel bad it was just the dress. A dress that I wear all the time. So, do most people think I look knocked up when I’m in that dress. I’m 148 pounds and a size 8 but the extra skin around my stomach makes my belly stick out. I went from feeling like the hottest girl at the party to the fattest girl at the party.  I can’t wait to get a tummy tuck.

 

Then last weekend we had friends over at our house. I’m sitting around with 4 girlfriends laughing and having a good time. One of the friends look at me and said, “Don’t take this wrong but you are too skinny girl. My kids having been asking if Mrs. Sabrina is sick.” I laughed awkwardly and then started to cry. So I’m either too fat, pregnant, or too skinny. I can’t win. Maybe I don’t look as good as I think I do. Do I look sick?  I felt like I was punched in the gut. I don’t understand how she could say that to me.  These people have been in my life on a daily basis. They’ve seen the transition. How could they ask if I was sick?

 

I don’t know what to think about it. I just cried and went to bed and everyone went home. She sent me a text the next day apologizing for the timing. I feel like if she was concerned about my weight she should have approached me privately and asked me about it. I haven’t lost weight in months. I’ve actually fluctuated 1-4 pounds over the last 2 months. I’m not trying to lose weight. I eat! I actually get concerned with my freedom of eating some days and have to take a step back to make sure that I’m making healthy choices on a daily basis with some free days.  

 

Most days I feel skinny but I wonder if that is in my head. Now it makes me wonder if I’m not as skinny as I think. I do hate my stomach. I think my stomach makes me look fat. So then is it the opposite do I think I have a fat stomach but I actually look really sick to people?

 

I think the part that hurts the most is that at 148 pounds I still have to question my weight and looks. I wasn’t expecting that.