Slow down

Everyday I get a little more sad that my boy is getting to big. Oh lord, how I wish I could stop time.

Everyday I realize how much more I have to teach him in the next 3 years. How to make a taco, what to do if you pop a tire, how to balance a checkbook, so much more to do.

I like her I really do

I want to clarify something despite all of this I still actually like my sister. I think she has a good heart. I think she loves her family including her siblings. I think that the two of us are the funniest in the family without us the rest would be kinda boring. I just think she needs counseling. I think she needs to get these extreme highs and lows fix. I think she needs to let go of the extreme drama and vengeance and grudges she holds.

I like her. I love her and it saddens me that this happened. BUT I still stand by my big ole Shut the Fuck up. She needs to shut her mouth sometimes. For God sake 90+ comments on one silly post. She needs to be able to handle a Shut the Fuck Up without a complete meltdown.

And for the utmost record since I know you read my blog Katherine. You need to forgive your father. You need to open your heart to him and just love him the way he is. Life is short. He won't be around forever and if he died tomorrow you would never forgive yourself for the way you have been acting. Dad loves you. He misses you. He misses Dave. Stop this nonsense already. Stop this pattern already.

Think about your own kids. Would you like them to treat you like this years from now? Would you like them to hold your feet to the fire the way you do to others? Forgive, learn, and move on. Love your family and hold them close.  I'm cooking dinner tonight for a neighbor who just lost her father 2 hours ago...don't let that be you one day.  I know your heart and you would never forgive yourself.

Don't let pride hold you down. I love you sis.

My apology

Even though my husband said I shouldn't feel bad for Katherine I can't help but feel sorry for her. Even though I find her delusional and a bully I hate the idea of my sister crying and feeling bad. Why did she have to let this all get out of control? Why does she keep repeating the cycle with her siblings and parents. I would take 100% of the blame if it wasn't for the fact that she's done to all of us including our parents. Even her freaking husband. It's so embarrassing the way she puts stuff out on Facebook. Does she have any idea the amount of text and phone calls we get about it...not about us but about her being crazy?  That people actually unfollow her because of the amount of miserable pregnancy post she post or the uncomfortable negative stuff she writes about her husband? Talking about stripping a man of his manhood. Nate and I think he has stockholm syndrome. The truth is he is so utterly scared of her maybe Christina too. Or she's created a mini me in Christina which I'm scared she will do with her own children. Can you imagine 3 more of them talking to Dave or his parents in the manner she does?  Scared she will light up their facebooks, cut them off, take his kids away from him. It's so sad. Yet, I still feel bad for her. I still wish she would get therapy. I wish she would or could take a step back and realize the shit storms she causes and the embarrassment. Is there no pride in our name to her? I can't imagine how this must make our parents feel. How badly our unknown relatives poke fun at it. Have some pride woman!

So this was my apology text to her sent last Friday at 3:51pm

"I'm trying to not feel bad for the last few days but I do. The thought of you preggo and crying makes me sad even though I stand by everything I've said. Please please please take a step back and look at what you are doing. What you've done to me, Christina, Christopher, mom, dad, Caroline, David...it's not okay. I don't want anything bad to happen to you so please get off Facebook take care of yourself. I love you despite still wanting you to shut up.

No need to respond bc I've blocked your number from my cell."

Yes, I blocked her number and unfriended her on Facebook because I don't trust myself not to keep yelling, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The force is too strong.

Yet...I still received a response from David...saying to leave her alone and stop attacking a pregnant woman.

And that's where my husband lost his shit. The same phone call my husband made to David 6 years ago when Katherine started all this shit between me, dad, and Charlyn. When KATHERINE called me over 125 telling me my whole family hated me and what was the matter? Was I going to lose my baby.  KATHERINE! And Nate called David man to man and asked him to please step in and make her stop and what did he do? He laughed. What did Katherine do? She laughed and kept calling me. Yet, here I am feeling sorry for her!!! Ugh I hate this weakness in me. That's what I feel like it is. This sympathy. It's a weakness. If I was stronger I could be more like Katherine and Debra. One will stab you in your heart the other will stab you in your back and then blame you for it.

My blog is blowing up!!!

Most of my blog post receive 6-7 views TOTAL! Check out my current stats! Someone's been reading my shit. lol Ladies stop exhausting yourselves. I'm not really that exciting but I am flattered.

I let it happen!

Finally, I let it happen! Katherine has been trying to suck me into an agreement for weeks and I finally let it happen! A girl can only take so much but it's my fault. My favorite part is that she's trying to use my own words to argue against me. Thanks to this little old blog that she obviously read but didn't like. Oh well. Don't read it then! 

I think this would be a great time to mention the only time I almost lost my shit on the vacation. After the Philippines and before Abu Dhabi there was a moment when Chalryn emailed all the kids about Lola and helping her in the future. Immediately Katherine sent a group message trying to engage in an argument about it. Charlyn tried to diffuse, I tried to diffuse but she wanted to argue. She wanted to be involved in drama any way possible. Who does that? I can't stand argumentive people who just want to argue for the sake of arguing. My life is too good to need this type of entertainment from people. Plus it's kinda sickening and reminds me of Debra. Starting arguments or drama just for the sake of it. So, I stopped replying or I gave thumbs up because at that moment a middle finger seemed like too much. Then eventually I just left the conversations because it was driving me bonkers!!! Every ding on my phone annoyed me so I removed myself. 

After removing myself I sent the following message to my husband and in-laws, "I know you guys are sleeping but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you guys and being a Brigance! I've had a good time but nobody does family better than we all do!!!"

God I love this family. The best part is we aren't perfect. We have had disagreements. We have had issues but we've talked them out. Sometimes we don't even agree on the outcome but agree that we love each and our company far too much to be bothered by it. #blessedtobeabrigance

As far as my own family has come it is still disfunctional as hell. Back biting, jealousy, stubbornness, I don't get it. I'm losing hope in them. I can't allow myself to get sucked into people who just like to argue. I can't! I just can't with Katherine and her minion Christina. 

So anyhow I lost my cool with her finally. 1. I knew she didn't like my perception of Christina from my last blog. 2. You come to a post just to force interaction and conflict 3. You can't admit it! Just say, yep I'm bothered. Yes, I was trying to annoy you guys. I can't stand that! Now I sound like a Real Housewive...own your shit! She's molding Christina which is a sad sad state. It's like Carole to Bethenny. 

Guess what? Now I will be the bad guy. She can put me in the same category as dad, Mom, & whomever else she's dumped. I don't care. The worst part is a conversation is worthlessness if she can't work things out with her own father she can't sit and have a conversation with me. It's hopeless. It was good while it lasted.  #byefelicia 

One Lucky Girl

One month ago I was going crazy. Worried about my house. My kids. Our routine. Would this man be able to keep it up. Would I come home to a big ole mess? It made me mad, upset, cry, and on. I was gone for 2 whole weeks. Limited contact and a daily countdown courtesy of my husband.

So, how did he do? Amazing! I came home to a clean picked up house. Kids homework done. Tutoring session attended. Dinner made every single night except for one. Laundry done.  I was very impressed!

He impressed me and that's a difficult task. I am so proud of him. :)

The 2 weeks were good for us. We both cried when we finally saw each other. I missed him. I missed our kids but I really missed him. I think we needed that. We needed to miss one another. The happiness and relieve I felt when I was finally in his arms again were true emotion. I function fine without him. I'm use to traveling and being without him. I'm also use to being independent. (Except for dog shit and trash cans) I don't have a dependent need on him but I do like him. The experiences I had those two weeks I know I would have enjoyed even more if he was there with me. What can I say...he's a good time. And we have a good time..better time when we are together.

To thank him, I've gone out of my way to make the last week about him while battling walking pneumonia. Going out to celebrate his birthday, playoff celebrations, birthday parties, farmers market, car show, TPC, and whatever else I can do to thank him and show him how much I appreciate him. I even agreed to Penguin playoff tickets!  Talk about one happy husband.

All Aboard the Debra Crazy Express!!!

I've been back home for just a little over 24 hours. I'm sick with walking pneumonia and my mind still racing from the last 2 weeks. By this time most are over this vacation and have deemed it the worst vacation ever.  Man what an awful statement. My poor mother. My poor sisters. I'm faced with the choice to ignore the emotions that went on or blog about it and possibly re-upsetting people. I've decided because of my need to be authentic that I can't ignore the feelings and must follow my method of therapy by getting it out.

So lets go! I'm going to start with the adventure of Debra's Crazy Express. Even though this is the last thing that happened chronologically I am choosing to discuss it now and not let it effect my recap of the trip.

Disclaimer: Please remember that these are the my feelings and if you don't like it click on the X in the upper right hand corner.
 
So recap about Debra and I...Katherine tried to say that I'm Debra's boogie man. Bullshit. Up until the last few years I wasn't Debra's anything. Debra and I were closest from 2001 to 2007. She was there the night I gave birth to my son. She was the one I called when my son was injured and I told nobody else. We helped each other out a lot those 6 years. It wasn't until Dad, Mom, and Katherine pulled me into the Willie situation that things turned bad between Debra and I. Remember that bus they pushed me under? After the birth of Lorelei I invited Debra to our home and we were able to talk and she understood my intent was from a place of concern for her kids and that it wasn't even my idea! Then when Debra and I saw each other for the first time in 3 years at the camping trip we got out of the car and hugged each other and cried. We were very close up until she moved out of my house. So am I Debra's boogie man? No. Let's be honest Debra spent 32 years of her life having an on again off again feud with Katherine not me. The reason Debra doesn't surprise me is because I was close to her and I've seen her work her sick magic. I've seen her in Willie's face causing a fight and crying to the police. I've heard her laughing this twisted laugh and then turn on the tears for her games. Like I said in my blog many years ago. Debra is who she is. She would never stab you in the back. She will walk right up and stab you in your heart and then smirk. I know this about her and because of that what she doesn't shock me anymore. I expect it from her.

So Debra created a tornado of emotion for her own personal agenda. Most of the anger and issues were direct at me.  I would say 75% me and 25% Charlyn. The problem is I cared about 15% and Charlyn cared about 85%. Making Charlyn the unintended victim of the game. I think the reason Charlyn was so effected by the drama is because she's been so far removed from any of it before. She had heard of Debra's games before but had never seen her at work before. This trip, on the last night of vacation she got to see it with her very own eyes. She's also a mother now. So, I think because Debra used her daughter in her game it really bothered Charlyn.

We all know by now that Debra made up most of that night and Christina jumped on the Debra Crazy Express but it doesn't make a portion of their feelings invalid. Their disappointment was a valid feeling even though it wad misdirected. I stand by what I told them, if their feelings were hurt by not having pictures on the wall then I am sorry. These are my sisters. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings. I would never travel thousands of miles with a stack of pictures with the intent to hurt two of my sister's feelings. I'm not made like that. I'm also not unsympathetic of their disappointment. I heard them that night. Even if I would not accept the blame for their lack of responsibility I could still understand their disappointment. 

I'm not 100% emotionless about the situation but the items that bothered me really don't have to do with Debra. Like I said, I know her. I've seen her engaged at her sick games before. I have very low expectations with her and this is the exact reason why when my sister said Debra was coming I no longer wanted to attend. I'm also use to being the target. Charlyn is the good sister and gets a pass usually. I'm the bad sister. I typically get the blame for most things. And hey as far as I know it's probably warranted but its my reason for not being bothered by it.

So jabber jaw, what did bother you about that night?

1.) The lack of emotion and compassion about my mother from Debra and Christina. This is quite simple. You alone are accountable for your reactions and actions. Our mother paid a lot of money to get her daughters to the Philippines. She also spent a lot of time. She also exhausted a lot of her own mental emotion from her own personal issues. Debra and Christine absolutely did not care about any of this. They had a choice to end this trip on a positive note for my mother's sake or to end it on a negative note for their own sake and they choose the latter. Even once it was out and my mother knew there was drama brewing they had a choice to squash it for my mother's sake and neither one of them choose that path.

2.) Christina's willingness to hop on the Debra Crazy Express. I can make excuses for her but as she made clear over the week she's an adult now. 25 years old and has a fulltime job. She's not naive to Debra's craziness. Out of all of us Christina and Christopher grew up with her. She made a choice to team up with Debra against me and Charlyn. She spent over 24 hours talking shit about me to cousins I had just met. Her disrespectful tone of voice towards us when we tried to explain to her that printing pictures were her responsibility not ours. Katherine made an excuse that it was because Christina doesn't know us.  I call bullshit again. Christina might not know us like Charlyn and I or her and Kat but she does have history with us. She has spent vacations with us. She's spent time with us. She spent weekends on my apartment floor while my mom spent weekends at bingo. I took her school clothes shopping when my mom didn't want to spend the money on it. She's been involved in other family event with us. Weekends where with the help of Katherine I've traveled 9 hours to spend time with my sisters and brother. She knew my heart enough to borrow money from me. She knew Charlyn's heart enough to take a free car from her. We supported her when she decided not to move to MD. We supported the choices she made and Charlyn and I also helped facilitate her moving into Carol's home. Texting and encouraging her into the move and applying at Geico. So for Kat to say she doesn't know us is a bullshit excuse. Christina more than anybody could have shut most of this down. She could have disagreed with Debra. She could have chosen to not engage in conversations about me. She could have spoken to us with respect. She could have warned Charlyn and I almost 24 hours before. She could have tried to changed the course of the Debra Crazy Express. Christina's choice speaks louder to me than Debra's actions. Christina's disrespectful tone speaks volume to me. We are her older sisters and deserve her respect. Our mother who paid for almost 90% of her trip deserved her respect.  This 25 year grownup really showed her maturity level and character to me. I would take Caroline's fake life to Christina's disrespect any day. And a part of me...large part of me wishes Charlyn would have taken her chance and told Christina off at the airport! Even though the grownup side of me knows that nothing good would have come from it. Charlyn would have been more upset and Christina would have argued and been rude to her.

And that is that! I'm officially jumping off the Debra Crazy Express and leaving it on the tracks!